Ex is friendly but displays hot and cold behavior

reconciliation
1

Hey there people! :slight_smile: Hope you guys are doing fine.

Not going to tell you the story of my life, I’m just going to make a quick recap of what’s been happening. I have some questions.

My ex is now kind of friendly towards me. I actually got to contact him yesterday by showing him a piece of art I was working on. But the situation escalated WAY faster than I was predicting…
We got to ask each other how we were and what’s been happening, and had a pretty friendly conversation… until he brings up the naughty pics again. Even though when I was trying to avoid the subject, he insisted on it. And this is where things got interesting.
He didn’t delete anything or got rid of any of the stuff I gave him, which made me pretty happy. He was happy for knowing that I didn’t mind him keeping pics of my, well, you know… In fact, he was so happy that he didn’t have any problem talking endless times about my, um, breasts xD. And he got aroused just by looking at the pics again. I know that because he told me without any restraint.
So here we have an ex that is still sexually oriented towards me. xD But this was yesterday. Of course, we talked about how we missed talking to each other, but I was actually the one who brought the sweet memories. He only kept talking about my breasts and he was pretty interested in them. xD

I tried to contact him today, but now he’s quite unresponsive. Short replies, taking long whiles to reply… I don’t know if he’s busy or not. To me, this seems like hot and cold behavior and I do not like this at all. But hey, I’m calm. I’m more relaxed now that I managed to start a conversation with him. It was longer than it should be, but he kept the talk interesting in the beginning and then started trying to tease me. Of course, with the due respect towards me, but he was quite into the naughty talk, hahah xD

I do want to say that he gradually decreased the length of his replies as we were reaching the end of the conversation. I ended it first. I also want to say that playing hard wouldn’t get me anywhere here. He’s clearly confused about his feelings, or so he seems, so playing hard would push him away. Instead, I tried to make him feel comfortable. It was evident for me that he was trying to tell me something between the lines, but he was “scared” and so he was testing me. He thanked me every time I said “It’s okay.”

Please, guys, give me your opinion. :slight_smile: Also, if you have any suggestion about getting over his hot and cold behavior, I would appreciate if you could give me your insights. There’s nothing very clear about these situations on ex back websites, hence me posting my questions here.

Thank you in advance! :smiley:

2

Platinum,

It is similar in my situation. The good memories, the how are yous, the say hello to your family… These all still pretty much exist.

Don’t recall how long it’s been for your break-up and NC contact and your methods…

But I read a little that hot and cold signals can mean that your Ex still very much has feelings for you. If they were all hot you would of course get back together, and if they were all cold, your ex could clearly be telling you that it’s over.

It’s the middle ground that sucks… Mine finally agreed to a face-to-face, I wanted coffee, she suggested brunch, and just last night cancelled “brunch” plans because she thought it “wasn’t a good idea to meet up”. She text me 15 minutes ago saying perhaps her text was unclear, but that instead “she isn’t ready to be just friends yet”.

Add ADHD, and over dosing on Adderall to this-- and that’s my relationship. I’d be kicked out one minute, and I’m never talking to you again…to a phone call in the morning asking when I was coming back. It went on like this for a year until I sobered up.

Regardless, it sounds like he still has feelings, but he doesn’t know how to address them. It is easier for him to talk of sexual things, instead of the actual issues at hand. Would it be possible for you to meet up with him?

Best,
Wondering.

3

I think it’s still a little bit early for that, Wondering. You see, this was the second time we talked to each other after break up. I did 43 days of NC, but we broke up 2 months ago. I don’t know if he would agree for a meeting, I have no idea how he would react.

I don’t know how to react in a non-damaging way when he acts cold. One part of me wants to keep talking to him forever, like yesterday (he even fell asleep while talking to me, I had to be the one to send him to bed, hahah), and the other is scared of messing things up. I really need advice on how to address these behaviors.

4

Hi, Platinum. I agree that “mixed signals” can mean that the other person isn’t quite over you, but I think it’s helpful to accurately define “hot” and “cold.” A “hot” signal would be playful flirting or some sort of emotional sign - displaying jealousy when they see you with someone else, voluntarily bringing up important things from your past, doing something sweet for you, looking at you in a certain way… A “cold” signal would be not responding to your messages, not reaching out to you, ignoring you, being mean to you… etc.

I’m sorry to say, but I don’t think this is a case of hot and cold mixed signals. I think this is a case of your ex testing the waters to see if he can still sleep with you no strings attached, and then him pulling back when you didn’t respond the way he wanted. As you said, it was you who brought up sweet memories; all he wanted to talk about were your breasts. When men try to get into your pants, they’ll say just enough to soften you up - i.e., “yeah, i miss talking to you” - but they’ll keep focused on their objective.

If he really wanted to win you back, he’d court you properly, wouldn’t he? I know you miss him, but don’t accept less.

5

He was playfully flirting with me. And he did show a little sign of jealously when he misunderstood something I said. He also said he kept the gifts I gave him and asked me if I kept his. He talked about stuff from the past too. I may have explained myself wrong, hahah.

He’s not replying to my messages now. He has quite a busy college life, like me, but his can be even busier. I’m pretty sure I replied to him that way he wanted. He said “Please, don’t think bad of me for keeping your pictures.” to which I said “No, no, it’s fine.” He was quite intimate with me and always apologizing after saying something more intense, to which I said “It’s okay, just relax” It felt like he was acting by impulse. He wasn’t shy about his arousal either, and I let him know that it’s fine. So, no, I don’t think he’s withdrawing because he didn’t get the response he wanted.

And yes, I’m pretty aware that if he wanted me back, he’d court me xD Like, obviously. I also think he’s testing me, but what is he exactly testing from me? He wants sex? Hmm, he knows me well enough to know that he doesn’t stand a chance with me without any emotional bond first, and honestly he’s not that kind of guy.

What I really want to know is how to react to his cold behavior in a way that doesn’t damage my progress. Do I cut on the number of messages I send? Do I go on NC for a day or two?

By the way, I asked him “Do you still have my number?” to which he said “Yes, I do :)” and the conversation went on like:

Me: “Okay then, I just wanted to know. You know, I could use receiving some texts messages about other than my academic life and other boring stuff :)”
Him (playfully): “How about receiving ‘show those boobs’? I’m kidding, I’m kidding, don’t take me wrong xD”.
I laughed (I mean, I had to, hahah) and here’s where he showed a little jealously :stuck_out_tongue:
Me: “Well, that’s possible xD”
Him: “Someone sent you that?! :S”
Me: “No!”
Him: “Oh, you scared me for a moment. :S”

6

Male perspectives are more than welcome here! I could really used them, since you guys probably know more about a man’s mind and actions than me. :slight_smile:

I forgot to mention that he was quite happy to know of my progresses in college and my other progresses in life in general.
I left him my door open for whenever he needed support, help or even a shoulder to cry on, and he did the same. His mom is very sick, his cat nearly died but he’s recovering well, and he has quite a lot of work to do for college.
He was very playful and very nice to me when I talked to him. I made him quite at ease with me.

Now, I don’t know why he won’t reply to my messages. He replied to the first two, then he suddenly vanished. He’s online, but doesn’t reply to me. Like, what the heck is happening?
Is he feeling strange for all that talk? Is he busy? Maybe he is, but still replying wouldn’t take him that much tine.

I want to say that I’m seeing this as a negative thing, or that I’m in panic. In fact, this means that I might be half-way there, and that motivates me. I just want a clear and wise answer to my answers. :slight_smile:

7

I read somewhere that to deal with cold behavior you have to mirror them. I’d post the link here but I might be violating forum rules. For example, if he takes 3 hours to respond to a message, you do the same. And then reward him with positive reinforcement when he does.

8

I’m not sure if that makes much sense. Then if he takes a month to reply, I’ll only reply to him once a month is gone by? Won’t he withdraw further away?

You’re not violating anyone’s rules if you’re trying to help someone. It makes more than sense to post a link here because… well, you know, it’s obvious why. -.-’

I think I’m just going to give him some space and not become an annoying fly going bzzz who won’t leave him alone. Then I’ll try to figure out some excuse to iniciate a conversation with him. :slight_smile:

9

Hey guys, my ex replied to my “how are you?” message a while ago :slight_smile: I asked him about his day and he made the same, but he was a little bit short on his answers.
Then he complimented me. He said “You look pretty good on your profile pic :)” to which I said “Thank you :blush: You don’t look bad yourself too :)” Then it went on like:
Him: “^^ And the one in bikini looks good too :slight_smile: "
Me: “Why, thank you. :$”
Him: “Why the shy icon? XD”
Me: “I’m not shy, I’m just blushing”
Him:“You dummy xD”
Me:“I’m no dummy :c”
Him:“Yesh yesh you are”
Me:“No no”
Him” :slight_smile: "

An hour went by in silence, until I said I had to go to sleep.
What do you guys think? (Decent) opinions, anyone? :slight_smile: