I have a little different situation. Just read EBP cover to cover and just started listening to the audio version of it today. My girl broke up with me about a month ago. We had been together off and on for a year (almost to the day). She is diagnosed bi-polar and I think that is why she keeps breaking up with me then coming back. This time around I think I figured out the bigger problem. I got her a nice necklace for being in each other lives a year (never said happy anniversary). After work I texted her asking how her day was and she replied right away OK. But then 4 1/2 hours later she chewed me out over text message saying quit trying to buy her love (I’m not) and all sorts of other BS. So after that I went directly to NC.
Wednesday the next week she gave me back a check for $4000 (we were buying a house together) through her co worker (we work for the same company). So I sent her an e-mail going off on her saying something to the effect that if I really mean nothing to her she would’ve given the necklace back with the $4000 instead of keeping it. I told her she must really hate me yadda yadda yadda. A day and half later she replied to the e-mail saying she doesn’t hate me and she never made any claims that we were together and I take small things that she says or does that we are together. Well the things she has said I’m her boyfriend to people. Wants to buy a house together. Tells me she doesn’t want me to leave and that she is afraid of her own feelings.
Tells me I’m a very important person to her. Has told other people that I’m always there for her and her son 24/7 and that guys like me almost never come along. All of those are big things for her to say that say we are together. And she said if you want the necklace back I can have it back as she has never opened it (but I know she showed it to her co workers). Any way I replied again telling her she sure has a lot of emotion and defensiveness for somebody that doesn’t like me and that I believe this all boils down to her being afraid of commitment and told her the pattern is everytime we get close she pushes me away. I’ve never heard back from her on that e-mail. But later that day she had a problem with her computer at work (I’m in IT) and asked if I could help her. There are 9 other guys that can help her but she contacted me. I told her I’m busy but maybe tomorrow. The next day I helped her (it is my job and I’m keeping things professional).
Well one of my co workers started giving me issues in her office and I stood up for myself right in front of her (she has never seen me stand up for myself before, but there has never been an issue that required me to in front of her). Then twice later that day I went out to smoke and I saw her but I pretended I didn’t see her and she called me over to smoke with her. Then Sunday 9 days later she texted me out of the blue telling me something cool about her son and I replied that is really cool and never heard back. Then 4 days the following week she contacted me for help with work related things and I helped her. Then Friday she texted me to meet her outside to smoke so I went and we just chatted, she was happy and smiling.
Then I brought up I am buying a house and it happens to be what we both want in a house and she got quiet. Then later I saw her out there and I did go smoke with her and she was fine again. I didn’t see her again or talk to her again till she texted me yesterday about a problem that she didn’t want to see me get in trouble for. She asked to meet me outside to smoke. Well she barely brought that up and we just chatted, she was smiling and laughing with me, a good amount of eye contact and she preened her hair once or twice that I noticed. I think she just made an excuse to see me honestly. I’m still not contacting her unless she contacts me. So what I need to know is how do I proceed? Do I just keep doing what I’m doing or is it time to start contacting her just a little?
So an update to my post yesterday. Last night she texted me about some IT stuff she was going to push through today. She has never talked to me about work stuff after work let alone text me about work stuff after work. And not to mention she texted this at 8:30 at night. Then today she asked me out on break with her and I told her I was busy but maybe this afternoon after I’m done. So I texted her when I was done letting her know I was going out on break if she wanted to join. She said she just got back from break but then 15 minutes later asked if I was still out and I was so she came down. When we were out there conversation was like the rest of the conversation except for a couple caveats. She walked behind me and poked me in the back and said stand up straight and smiled. Then she said she’s already getting over heated from the weather and had me feel her forehead. So now the touching is starting.
In my opinion her text about work last night proved my point she is making excuses to see me and hear from me because we didn’t communicate at all yesterday till that text came in. I just replied OK I’ll watch for those to come through and I took care of the ones she put through yesterday. And she just replied thanks. I think that is good too because she has been sending little texts here and there and I will reply and then she doesn’t reply. So a response to my response is a plus in my opinion.
Anyway let me know what you all think and what I should do next. I love this woman and I don’t want to do something stupid to push her away.
Guess no comments on this thread. Must be doing everything right.
Hi there,
Just read your story… what a rollercoaster!
To be honest, she sounds very manipulative. That doesn’t mean she’s a bad person. If you love her she is probably wonderful really, and she probably can’t help it.
It sounds like she has no idea what she wants, and that’s fine too.
The only way she will figure it out is if you cut her out for a proper NC period.
I know that’s hard, and it sounds counter-intuitive, but if you both take a step back and assesses your relationship, you’ll both be in a much better place in 30 days (or more) to make a decision about it.
Right now, you’re going around and around in circles and you’ll just end up hurting each other a LOT more than you need to.
Of course it would be great to work things out together, but sometimes things are so damaged that you both need to take a step back and work on yourselves.
So, my advice: Start NC now. No texts, no talking at work, no smoking together, pass on her requests to one of the other 8 guys you work with… no phone calls… nothing.
For at least 30 days.
Then see how you feel. It’ll be hard but it’ll make everything so much clearer!
Well,
I don’t know If I agree with the past comment. Tell me sth. What do you think you should do? Deep down we always know what we should do.
I am in the very same spot, friend.
Honestly Stefanos this all really sucks and I’m sorry you are going through this too. Nobody should have to go through this. Read through my other thread I started called Ultimatum. It has stuff that just happened today and I’m still trying to wrap my head around.
I agree with you Lin…that’s what I was telling him on his other thread is to not be too available and not to let her have too much power over the situation. A good 30 days will help a lot, I think.
Trust me I’ve been reading and learning as much as possible about my situation as I truly do love this woman and want to do the right thing. I don’t want to lose her if at all possible. That’s why I’m here looking for advice. I am going to limit contact per you philthedrill vs no contact. I’m just going to make myself not as available as I think I’m understanding you. My e-mail I was going to send to her was telling her I’m not going to see or talk to her for some time.
Trust me I’ve been reading and learning as much as possible about my situation as I truly do love this woman and want to do the right thing. I don’t want to lose her if at all possible. That’s why I’m here looking for advice. I am going to limit contact per you philthedrill vs no contact. I’m just going to make myself not as available as I think I’m understanding you. My e-mail I was going to send to her was telling her I’m not going to see or talk to her for some time.
Well, you can’t do complete no contact since you work with her, but I would keep it extremely limited. But you don’t owe her an explanations. She is the one who decided to break it off with you which means you’re free to do what you want. You don’t have to email and tell her what you plan to do, just do it. Take charge.
I agree. I am going to keep everything professional work related for right now. I think more than that is just too much right now.
There ya go, concentrate on you for a good while…focus on yourself and your happiness. If she wants to play the flirting, come here game and then not want to be with you, you have to stand strong against it because you deserve better than that.