My ex and I became official 3 months after his first relationship (of 2 months; he was dumped). We were together for 8 months. We are 25/26 years old; it’s my first official relationship and his second.
His reasons of breaking up with me included stress, could not cope with my expectations, no longer felt at ease with me, and ultimately, loss of his love/feelings for me. He did admit he missed me around 1 month after break up but then it transformed to “I had no more feelings for you” over the next few weeks.
I’m thinking maybe it’s ME that is the rebound (although we both dedicated our love in the relationship). I tried no contact around 2 months after break up and the longest was 25 days (he didn’t contact me as well) and then I started bombarding him with messages.
The breakup was 4 months ago and now he’s in a new relationship again. I was texting him “if we’re given one more chance I would really cherish it”; then he broke the news to me: “Sorry Iaia, I’m already in a relationship again”. There, I wished him well and stopped the messages.
I used to think (I still do) he had to learn what commitment should be, and now that he is a new relationship, although I wish him well, I think the same old issues would repeat themselves (feeling helpless and overwhelmed by his SO’s needs and expectations which happened to his two previous relationships including the one with me). But I also understand I’m not his counsellor; that’s his own lesson to learn now.
What should my mentality be? In fact after typing all this, I probably have some kind of answer. But what bothers me is that whenever I wake up I still think of my ex, knowing that he has a new girlfriend instead of experiencing and learning about love together with me.
@iaia - Sorry for your situation. Do NOT contact him while he is in a relationship with someone else. To me it sounds like you had unrealistic expectations and demands. Guys hate to be told they are not doing enough for a girlfriend and it will cause feelings to fade. Next time, don’t be so demanding of stuff like time etc… Spend more time with family and friends. Go on with your life and date others.
@iaia - Unrealistic expectations are expecting a guy to change who he is. How a man treats you and what he does to please you should be enough without you having to coach him. If it’s not, find someone else.
If the two people in a relationship are mature enough, sometimes they can work through an occasional issue together with respect. But in a very good relationship, there are NOT a lot of arguments. There are many happy fulfilling times wherein both are overjoyed to be together.
That’s why I was surprised when he wanted to break up - we were both relatively gentle people and we never had a lot of big arguments.
We agreed to learn instead of expect (my primary mode is future-thinking), and so over time I learnt that some of my expectations were not necessary so I was adjusting too. I didn’t feel like I was changing myself.
We both agreed we wanted to take it serious and could see ourselves dating a long time, so the real disappointment came in during the break up because he was giving up. So I started being a cheerleader and sometimes a coach. This I learnt from my mom I guess. I wanted us to grow together.
I have come to know him and myself better and understand that even though we were willing, doesn’t mean we can in the end. I understand we have limitations. If this is the road we have to take, separately, then I wish each of us the best.
@iaia
You wrote:“His reasons of breaking up with me included stress, could not cope with my expectations, no longer felt at ease with me, and ultimately, loss of his love/feelings for me.”
I’m curious as to what your expectations were? His loss of love and feelings for you is distressing, but overall he sounds very immature. Try not to think about what will happen to his current relationship with another woman. Go about your days and life without thinking about him as best you can. Consider dating other guys, but don’t rush into another relationship.
For an example, when I asked him to print out a few photos of us (he was more familiar with the neighbourhood) it took him three weeks to do it. Instead of being grumpy about it I could just do it myself. He said he didn’t realize it was so important to me and then he was upset by the fact that I was upset.
Another would be marriage. I do anticipate getting married after two to three years of dating and although it sounded reasonable to him, towards the end he felt crushed because he wasn’t sure if he could fulfill my hopes.
I came to understand getting married was not on his immediate agenda when he wanna break up and then I offered to take it slow. But still he “didn’t want me to change myself” and said he wanna be single for the time being (yeah I know it’s sarcastic that I stayed single longer after the break up, but I also saw it coming).