Ending No Contact

Back in January, my girlfriend (ex) dropped a bomb on me that it wasn’t working out. We were together for just over a year and we were planning to move very far away together for her job. Our relationship started to fizzle about six months before the breakup and I attributed it to her job. Spoke to other people, both men and women, who dated into this challenging profession and its a pretty level consensus that her job commitment had a huge, if not all of the, part to do with her feeling that “it just felt wrong.” Yup, I got no concrete reasons we we’re breaking up.

Fortunately, immediately a friend guided me towards no-contact and I didn’t make many mistakes during the breakup after the conversation. We spoke three days later because I asked her to think about starting everything over (during the initial conversation) and she called to tell me her decision was final. We met about a week after that for her to return my stuff. We hugged affectionately, cried, and she apologized for having no concrete reason to be breaking up and that I deserved one. No contact held firm after that. 30 days was on 3/1. Today is 3/14.

During no contact, some games were played. We both subscribe to a social media platform for book readers (ok…there is no one on there but us) and we both had marked increased activity. Noteworthy was that she was marking books that I know she would hate and she knows I would love. I made a few facebook posts about going about my life but things I know would drive her nuts (like a video of me getting hurt pretty bad playing hockey) and the only thing she shared was an almost direct quote I made about three days before the break up began about how her life is about to get better.

Anyway. We’re at six weeks of no contact since the stuff exchange. I’ve done a lot of work on myself (particularly in categories I know she wanted me to work on) although I have stalled more recently as the hard depression is turning into an obscure cloudy depression. I’ve lost focus and stare at the wall a lot now. I’ve tried to date to get some confidence back but no dates. I’m holding a standard that I need to feel the way I did the first time we connected because my time is valuable. I don’t want to go back to where I was before we met and just go on dates for the sake of going on dates and getting laid, looking back, it was depressing. I just want to cuddle up with this girl I was crazy about from day one. I’m 36 years old and it took me to 35 (and god knows how many condoms, lol) to realize that I never fell in love before.

Realistically, I don’t think I can get her back. She’s quite calculating and decisive, she made a decision and what ever her reasons are she thinks they are good. I owe it to myself however to at least try. My goal now is to break no-contact and try to start our relationship over. I’ve accepted that the move together may have scared her and I may have to wait to move to be with her; but she is gone in three months and the clock is ticking for a reconciliation and time to bond again for a LDR. If we don’t get back together, then I’m willing to accept that and move on knowing I tried. I will probably curl up in a ball and cry for two weeks straight again. I will probably have to relive the tough emotional path that I just began to overcome but I will come out the second time hopefully fully healed and ready to move on. It’s a win-win for me…but first I have to execute the perfect end to no-contact.

So, community. Ask your questions. Offer suggestions. Some encouragement, ideas. Help me out please.

“Our relationship started to fizzle about six months before the breakup and I attributed it to her job.”

To be honest, if the relationship was more loving and better than any she’s ever had, nothing would have prompted her to break up with you. People seem to look for excuses other than incompatibility or lack of feelings.

You could call her and talk on the phone. Tell her the changes you’ve made. But don’t get your hopes up too high as she sounds resolute in her decision and she’s had at least 6 weeks to discuss the situation or change her mind.

If it works out, great, but if not, think about depression therapy.