Hey everyone, so I have been dealing with my break up lately which was around a month ago and I have been going through these forums which have really helped me get over. So long story short, I broke up from a 5 year long relationship, 6 including last one but it was mostly on and off with both of us trying to sort things out. We loved each other dearly but my ex wasn’t really happy for a while and she said that I am too possessive and overly protective which suffocates her. Also she told me she cant handle my mood swings, which I go through and its hard to control. So she decided to break up about a month ago, I spent the first week begging and pleading but after reading threads in this forum I decided to go for NCR. I successfully went through 4 weeks of no contact rule but yesterday I saw my ex at a party. I was surprised to see her there and she realized very early too about my presence over there. The thing is, I don’t get her reaction. She came and danced besides me pretty close a couple of times and it was really obvious that she wants me to notice her and maybe start a conversation. I decided to just stay silent and I kept dancing at my spot. This happened 2-3 times until both of us came to an unavoidable eye contact in the washroom. As this happened she came close to me and hugged me and both of us asked each other how were we doing. It was this short and then I decided to go my own way. I don’t really get what is going on in her mind because when breaking up she was very clear that she wants it even though I was begging her to give me one chance. But yesterday, it was really awkward for me because she wanted me to feel her presence and start a conversation with her I felt. At one point she even intentionally stopped her friends too besides me so they could dance close to where I was. Surprisingly, 24 hours after our encounter I see she has unblocked me on facebook as I was blocked yesterday morning. Does this mean anything? Should I continue no contact or should I send her an elephant in the room letter and try to patch things up? I would really take her back if I have an option because she really is my first true love and its really painful to see it go away like this. Thank you!
You need counseling therapy and maybe medication for your mood swings. Until you’re better, nothing will change. You could send the letter, but I don’t see how that will help you get better psychologically.
Actually I have already started taking therapies for that. My work offer free services of which I am taking advantage of. Also I have started mixed martial arts, and started learning a new language to feel better about myself. My question though was, seeing her reaction at the party and unblocking me on Facebook after that. Does all of that mean anything? I don’t want to send the letter if she still feels the same about me. I am working on myself and continuously would no matter what but I just want to know if I should go ahead with the letter and if all that was a positive attitude from her side? Thanks
Nobody knows what her reaction at the party means. I could be something positive or not. It’s fruitless to try and guess what unblocking you on Facebook means. Until she talks with you, you won’t know for sure. If you send a letter, be sure to include that you’ve started therapy for the mood swings.
Have you been diagnosed with bi-polar and if so, have you been advised as to what medication would help you?
I haven’t been diagnosed with bi-polar. I might have something else but I am still not sure what it might be. Yes, I will definitely mention that in the letter. I had bought a few gifts for her and her kid before all this happened for Christmas which I wasn’t able to give. Would it be wise to send all that with the letter? I was really attached to her kid too and I don’t have any other intention by sending this.
Yea, go ahead and send the gifts too.
I think the reason for the elephant letter is to help you regain contact with an ex who wants nothing to do with you. It sounds like you have already done that though?
I would not read much into her reaction at the party and unblocking. Maybe she misses you, is happy to see you or wants to talk, but that does not mean she wants you back.
You have to tread carefully at this point, though. Exes often just want to test you to see if you still want them back, even if they don’t want you. You have to take that power away from them.
I actually didn’t regain contact. I didn’t even get to say a proper good bye as out of a sudden she blocked me off her social media and stopped responding to my messages but she had been telling for a few days towards the end that its about time to finish it and all. That was the first time I saw her since she blocked me from everywhere and as I said I only said Hi and asked her how she was, she did the same. I completely ignored her the rest of the night and I noticed that I was unblocked on facebook the next day. Do you think I should still proceed with sending the letter at this point?
Yes, but don’t make it too long. Include an apology, but don’t ask to get back together yet. Let her know where you messed up and how you plan to improve yourself (like therapy etc…). Also send the Christmas gifts and let her know you bought them before the breakup. Good luck:)
PS: Curious as to your ages?
I am 27 and she is 35. We started dating when I was 21 and she was 29. I know there’s an age difference, but we never felt it because she kind of never grew up and still feels she is in her 20s. To be fair, I have kind of been emotionally abused in the relationship too. But after everything, I still felt that It was worth it because of what we went through together. The good and the bad times. We had the huge fight that caused our initial break up before this on and off thing on New Years eve of 2018. I was kind of mad at her for not coming out to this party to which we invited to over the phone, as she was a couple of hours late and she blew off on me and said that it was over, over the phone. I was shocked that how can someone 5 years into a relationship end it like that. As expected, after the party I went to her place to beg and plead. I didn’t find her there at 4 am so I decided to wait in my car for her. Around 5 am I see this DJ guy at a club we usually used to go together dropping her in front of her place. I was shocked and I knew something wasn’t right. I went right to her and asked that what the hell was going on, she replied that she told me it was done. Long story short, I begged her the following days and she didn’t show any interest. One day I randomly asked her how she was doing, she replied and we met for a coffee. After that, the on and off phase started. A couple of months later, I found out that she gave me oral herpes on my genitals as the guy who I saw her with on the New Years eve night gave it to her when he went down on her. They didn’t have anything more than that besides oral, because I once stalked her phone and read the messages with that guy where she was telling him how selfish was it of him to pass that to someone else without even telling them. Anyways, I dont blame the guy. I blame her for first getting intimate with someone like that so early in the breakup on the first night and then passing it to me after that. I clearly asked her before sleeping with her again if she had an intimate relationship with someone else because I am really paranoid about stds and she lied and told me no. She told me she got unlucky like me too and got it only on one encounter when I found out that I have contracted something. She wasn’t sure that she had contracted it either at that time. Even after all this, I wanted her because I really loved her with all my heart, I lost my virginity to her and I really saw a future with her always. I was always there for her financially too, because I have worked hard throughout these years and have been financially stable and she has been not. So I just wonder, If I was so loving and forgiving to her, why couldn’t she act the same way. I am not perfect, but its a fact that everyone has flaws. You just don’t dump them in the middle of the journey when actually the partner they are dumping could have dumped them a hundred times too because of their flaws. Patricia, do you think this could ever work out? Being a woman, what do you think?
WOW, you’ve been through a lot of turmoil with her! I think it could work if she ever gets to the point where she loves you enough to try to work through the past difficulties and a plan to have a much better relationship in the future.
Did she ever give you reason to be jealous or suspicious while you were in the relationship? I’m confused, did you break up a year ago (1st one) and then on and off this past year? (2nd one)
Continue therapy to resolve your mood swings and martial arts etc… Focus on you and try not to obsess about her. If you get back together sometime in the future, don’t be possessive and overprotective and she should want to be faithful to you.
Are you both being treated for herpes?
Yes exactly, we broke up a year ago and it was on and off this past year. She had a failed marriage because her ex had this fantasy of seeing her with other guys at bars and clubs and he would get turned on by seeing her kissing them and eventually sleeping with them. She met me like this and she was emotionally destroyed when I met her and she fell in love with me because of the way I treated her and got to know about her ex’s fantasies against her will. She told me back in the days that she loved how possessive I was about her and just wanted her to be only mine and everything so I was just used to treating her like that. She actually did give me reasons to be suspicious about her because she still slept with her ex a few times till almost a year after we were in a relationship and she said that she was being emotionally manipulated by him because of their kid and was spiritually destroyed. I appreciated that at least she was honest about it and I stopped sleeping with her till she was fully out of that madness with him and got a divorce and moved out finally. Years went by really good and I had the same possessive attitude towards her that she initially liked but she eventually changed I don’t know why. She also replied to her high school lover when he messaged her a few times to which I wasn’t comfortable of and thats why I was just suspicious a bit throughout because I know she is emotional and her exes took advantage of that in my opinion. Once she also just lied out on my face about going to a euro trip with her family. I trusted her with that until she really went there and started to avoid contact with me while she was there. Long story short, I added her gay friend on instagram with a fake account and found out that it was actually him who she went with and it wasn’t her family. I really failed to understand the reason that why she would lie to me about this and she told me that I would have panicked and gotten crazy for no reason and she didn’t want to see that which in my opinion is not justified. I was always honest to her about such things and never had even a bit of courage to lie even at time when I wanted. I truly believe that she loved me with all her heart at one point too but I just don’t get what brought us to this point. I even introduced her to my parents and family…
For herpes, she got treated initially, but then the doctor I think told her that she doesn’t need the medication unless there is an outbreak. I didn’t get any treatment for herpes at all because I read that if you get oral herpes down there on the genitals, there rarely is an outbreak as its not sitting in its comfort zone. But I eventually would want to get treatment if I start seeing someone else so I don’t give it to them. 
Sure, send the elephant letter when you are ready. I would give it more time, maybe another month or two.
You said you lost your virginity to her, so I assume you have never been with another woman. I think you should at least see what other women are like. Go on some dates.
I had to do some googling about mouth herpes, apparently, it’s the virus that cases cold sores, HSV-1, and 80% of people have the virus already. As long as you can verify it’s HSV-1 and you don’t have an active outbreak, I don’t think you need to disclose that to anyone.
HSV-2 is the bad one, and if you have that, you should disclose that to dates.
Even though this site advises going out on dates (as an ego boost) and Hijack suggested it, I don’t agree. You probably dated other women before you started dating your ex at the age of 21, therefore gaining general insight as to what you want in a partner. And you don’t need confirmation that you have qualities desirable to women, you know you do. As long as you love her and you’re trying to get her back, going out with someone else will make you sad, you’ll be thinking of your ex and compare the date to her. Also, if she finds out, she will think your declaration of love isn’t sincere! If and when you get to a point where you believe there is no chance for reconciliation and you take time to grieve and heal, then move on.
As to the herpes, I strongly suggest you see a doctor for advice.
I agree that going out on dates during NC might not always be a good move, but in this case?
What I read is he met his GF though her husband who had a cuckolding fetish. He lost his virginity to a married woman while her husband watched, then eventually began a relationship with her.
You said you are sure he dated other women and got an idea of what kind of woman he wanted. Well, I am not so sure. From my perspective, he probably didn’t have any success dating, and his motivation for entering into this relationship had nothing to do with his insight about what he wanted in a partner. I think his initial motivation was just to get laid.
Sure, he fell in love with her and all that, but to me it sounds like he has a lack of experience in dating. If true, I think dating others would give some perspective in all of this that you can’t easily get otherwise.
Actually he didn’t really see me doing it with her lol. He knew we started having feelings for each other even before we slept together and he didn’t want things to proceed further with me. She didn’t listen to him and she got really involved with me. It is true that I didn’t have any experience dating women before I met her but I have went out with a couple of women in our off/on phase this past year. As Patricia said, I really did get sad because I was trying to look for her in them but I just couldn’t feel the connection which made me even more depressed. I was honest to her even about going out with these two women and told her about how I felt. I told her because I wanted her to be sure if she wanted to sleep with me again knowing that I saw some other women in the off phase. But anyways, I did feel depressed going out with other women because at all times it was actually my ex who was on my mind and it was really painful. I wish to be with her again one day.
It’s good you did get out there and date, I think.
With my ex, we were together 4 years, split 8 months, then got back together 1.5 years, then split again and we have been apart 3 months. During the first time we split I felt sad when dating. I compared, and nobody was good enough.
When we split this final time, I didn’t date for a month. I did compare but that was good, because it meant I had high standards. I actually did meet someone who I instantly hit it off with, and she was better than my ex in many ways. She was so interesting and attractive that I actually forgot about my ex while anytime when I was with her. We only dated for about a month, but even though that relationship didn’t work out, it did show me that I can find someone else who does it for me, and now I long for my ex so much less. Sure, I still think of my ex a lot but that experience really did take the edge off.
I’d take some time and see how you feel, you may surprise yourself, I sure did when I met that woman.