Hey all. For context, I’m 22 and my ex is 21. We dated for five months, and broke up because we had had a run of arguments and escalatory bad communication, and she dumped me based on the advice of her friends and family that five months wasn’t long enough for her first relationship to be having such a negative approach to communication. This was fair, and i’ve forgiven myself and her for the other things that led to the breakdown in the dynamic, more deep rooted problems and stress on my behalf that led to the bad communication. In the actual breakup, I was very careful to not make any of the major fatal mistakes, and we broke up on good, if not sad terms. Just very much concerned that this could be a case where my ex is determined to move on and nothing I do can change that. If it helps, my ex has OCD, Autism and Depression/CPTSD, while I have Depression, Anxiety, ADHD and Autism.
I’ve been trying really hard with everything, did EBP basics and the Advanced courses as while I cognitively understand that I will be fine if we don’t get back together, I do truly think we were just victims of bad timing and life stress, not fundamentally incompatible. I got to around two months and five days of No Contact, made big improvements in my life felt good and healed enough to send a message to her. It was pretty detailed, but basically just an Elephant in the Room message, admitting that I accepted the breakup, that it was the best thing for the both of us, apologising sincerely for my mistakes and then expressing my hope that we could be in each others lives, even as friends. However, it’s been 3 days and I’ve gotten no response from her. I know she has her phone put on no read receipts, so i can’t check if she’s even read it (though i think considering that she has the presence of mind to put her phone on DND, she’s surely either read it or deleted it by now). My message was quite emotionally heavy in content though, but framed positively with the story of the past, story of us, story of the present model.
This could explain things, but I did feel that there was a potential that she could be in a rebound relationship. I’ve seen her on social media filming a music video one on one with a guy friend of hers that she had admiration for. I don’t think there was feelings there, but she has expressed to me in the past that she is demisexual (only sexually attracted to people she has a romantic attraction to), so I feel that if she’s in a rebound, as her first boyfriend and the guy who took her virgnity, I feel like I have a natural advantage in the comparison. However, on her social media and mutual friends social media, I don’t think I’m reading into things when I say that she looks sad? Like, her eyes look heavy and bagged from not sleeping, her smiles are very forced and she looks alone and disconnected from anyone else, so I feel like that contradicts the idea that she would be in a rebound relationship, as people would tend to want to publicise their ‘happiness’.
I guess what i’m asking for advice on is whether i’m validated in feeling confused and unsure of what path to take. I know that the Bold Move as described in the EPB advanced course would literally be the worst possible thing i could do (She has had a history of crazy stalkers and fear of them), but I don’t know how to decipher any of this. Should I follow the guide’s advice of messaging an amended apology? Or message Indirectly? I do feel that my apology was detailed, sincere and covered the cause of the breakup.
One on hand, if she’s in a rebound relationship, would messaging her push her closer to the guy? I recall reading on the website that it can be a hard choice, but a right one to let her go into a rebound relationship as you should ‘lose the battle to win the war’. However, what if she’s not? Would messaging her again just read as insecurity or would it read as a gentle reminder?
Essentially, and I will admit to using ChatGPT to help work through my feelings with her, my little research seems to suggest that she is either
- Emotionally overwhelmed and determining how to respond
- In a rebound relationship and avoiding responding as it would endanger the relationship
- Committed to moving on, but making a choice to not respond, either for her sake or mine.
Of these, 3 is a confusing one to me as our relationship always valued honesty and ‘saying the hard things’. I feel somewhat confident that she would have the confidence to openly state her commitment to moving on, but then again, maybe I’m just discovering that she wasn’t a kind and compassionate person, or at least was only kind and compassionate to current partners. 3 would disappoint me, as I would honestly rather take a ‘no’ then an extended silence.
All in all, I’m very confused and not sure what to do. I feel like responding a week later with either an amended apology or an indirect message would get some kind of response, but maybe I should just leave her be? I’ll be honest, i’ve never been good at relationships, but this one felt like one where if I didn’t make a solid attempt to reconcile, I would really regret it. Has anyone else had an experience like this, and if so, what did you do afterwards? Did your ex eventually re-engage or tell you that she had moved on?
Thank you for any help you can provide.