Elephant in the room letter.. Need feedback

Hey guys!! So I am through 45 days of no contact and I have decided to break no contact next week. I have written an elephant in the room letter which I plan on sending her with her belongings. Also I plan on sending Christmas gifts for her and her kid that I had ordered before we broke up. So here goes the letter:

Hi HER NAME,

Just wanted to drop off a short note for you with your things that I am sending. I wanted to let you know that I am completely fine with your decision and for the first time I am really working on myself for myself and it feels so good to respect yourself and feel your self worth. I couldn’t have given you or anyone else in future the best of me if I don’t respect or love myself first and I thank you for making me realize that. I also started mma again, learning french seriously, and taking counselling therapy to improve my behaviour which has made me feel significantly better about myself.

I wanted to also let you know how sorry I am for acting like I did after the breakup. It was totally disrespectful to you and I feel so bad about how I acted. I apologize that I hurt you, acting so needy, desperate and possesseive for no reason which was suffocating you.

Oh! Also, some good news! I had a fantastic change in fortune and luck the other day within the company after my 6 month review. I would love to fill you in about what happened…soon. You and I both need some space right now. I hope you and HER KID are doing great too. I am just sending a few gifts for him and you for Christmas/ New years. I know it’s late for that but I didn’t want to approach earlier because I was still putting myself together at that time and any efforts to approach you would have stopped me from healing. The time apart has also made me realize of the things that went wrong in our relationship and gives me a chance to actually work on my shortcomings. I just couldn’t see things clearly earlier. Just give my hugs and kisses to HER KID.

Kindest regards,

MY NAME

The reason why I mentioned about self-respect is because it was one of her complaints because of my needy behaviour that I need to respect and love myself first and only then I would be able to love someone else truly and not in an obsessive manner.
Any help would be great. Patricia, if you are reading this I would like your feedback as you already know my situation from my previous thread. Thank you so much! :slight_smile:

Hi, I think the letter is fine… the only part you might think about is at the end when you say give hugs and kisses to __ . It seems like too much schmoozing since you already mentioned him earlier in the paragraph.

I’m curious as to how you displayed neediness, desperation, and possessiveness during the relationship. And if your therapy has helped you change those thoughts in order to possibly put into action better behaviors.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Ok, I will remove that part. I was really doubtful of whatever she would tell me. For example, if she would go out I would doubt about where she really is going. But there was a reason behind that because she had lied many times about where she really was at many instances. Once, she told me that she’s going to Spain with her family, but in reality she was with her gay friend and I only found out about that through her gay friend’s instagram. She also admitted kissing another guy at a club over there and she was guilty about it and apologizing. The therapy actually has helped me control those aspects but that would depend on her behaviour too and I hope if we ever come back together she is more open about everything she is doing in her life to me rather than feeling that I am possessive and hide things from me.
One question though, me telling her that I have accepted the break up and needing space, could that backfire? Why would she want to come back if she feels I am already over her and moving on?

I agree with you and it’s against the advice of this site, but I think if you tell her you accept the breakup, it does sound like you’re okay with a breakup and thinking of moving on. You could omit that and start with “I just wanted to send a note for you along with your things that I’m sending. For the first time, I am really working on myself…”

I can understand you being suspicious of her words because she’s lied to you in the past. She should understand that when people are in a relationship, they need to be honest with each other! You say therapy has helped you control your emotions, but your behavior depends on you, not her! You are responsible for your own actions and reactions! If you get back together after both of you are willing to work through the issues, and she lies to you again or flirts with someone else, don’t act angry or jealous, just leave her if she won’t or doesn’t want to change! Have respect for yourself in that you won’t tolerate her deceiving you again. You deserve someone who is honest and faithful, don’t you?

I agree with you, If we end up together and her behaviour stays the same I should be the one leaving instead of getting jealous and overly possessive. It’s not mentally healthy even for me to keep going through the same process over and over again.
Anyways, there is an update. I really don’t know what to do now and I feel I waited too long :(. I bumped into her friend yesterday and she asked me how I was doing and all. I also asked her about herself and my ex and she said that my ex had moved to a different neighborhood last week. I am pretty sure she couldn’t keep up with the expenses of the place as it was big and I was helping her financially to fill her financial gap every month. The lease was ending in October of this year so I am pretty sure the reason of her moving out is that. But I am also thinking if things did get this bad for her, why didn’t she reach me out for help. Does she think of me as a complete stranger because I would have helped her even now because of our good past, I always saw her as family and nothing less. The problem now is that I don’t know her new address and mailing her things and the letter has become impossible now. Any advice, Patricia on how I should reach her? :frowning:

Actually I think it’s better that she moved to an affordable place and doesn’t depend on you for helping her out financially! Never let anyone take advantage of you.

Text or phone her and let her know you have her things you want to give back and some Christmas gifts for her and her son that you purchased before the breakup. Ask where you could mail them or if you should give them to one of her friends or what…

So I got a text from her after keeping no contact. Didnt send her any things yet and got her message out of the blue. No contact really does work. She sent me this.

Hey :) dunno why i feel called to contact you since a week or so....i dont want to be in non talking terms forever....... I hope you r doing great and that everything is going well. Take care:)

How should I reply to this though?

What she sent sounds casual friendly. Reply by saying; Where should I send your things and some Christmas gifts for you and your son I bought before we broke up. Hope you’re doing great too.

Okay so kinda had a detailed conversation with her. As I felt she was in trouble and she told me that she was kinda homeless these days. She had been staying with her friend’s for the past week but now her room mate is coming back and she has to bounce off from their. She didn’t ask if she could stay at mine but she told me all this when I asked her if she was doing okay along with that message. Should I offer her to stay at mine as I have an extra room? I hate seeing her suffer like this because I care about her as family before anything else. And she has a kid with her too. I guess karma is real, but it went hard on her and I am confused on how I should act…

No, don’t offer for her to stay with you! You’ve already broken up twice. She is 35 years old and needs to stand on her own two feet (so to speak) and be responsible for herself and child.

Does she have a job? How old is her son?

Surely one of her other friends can put her up for awhile until she finds her own place.