Dumper considering reconciliation

reconciliation
1

I broke up with my gf of 1 year 4 months ago. I was feeling like the relationship was one sided. early in the relationship I treated her the best, spent as much time with her as I could, got into the same hobbies, paid for everything when would go out, went to all the places she wanted, etc. I loved her, but I never felt like I was her ideal man, as much as she said it, she never really did much to show it. I think the turning point was 6 months in the relationship when she came forward about something that happened between her and her ex while we were dating. her ex has a meth problem and she was visiting him to see how he was doing( I didn’t know about any of this), said her ex looked worse than ever and in an emotional state stuff ended up happening between the two of them. she told me a couple days after it happened; apologized, said she felt terrible, wanted us to grow together, there’s no one she loves more than me. etc… but she also insisted that if I couldn’t truly forgive her than I shouldn’t be with her. I was upset but i forgave her because at that time I wanted nothing more than to be with her. I never brought it up ever after that. In my head however the event reinforced this idea that I’m not ideal for her.

In the last 3 months of our relationship I was still taking her places, paying for everything, trying to support her as best as I could. she lost her car in wreck so I was driving her to and from work everyday in addition to my work commute. .I told her i’ll take her to work early in the morning especially because it’s dark, but I also suggested she try the bus or lightrail that was right across the street from her place of work to get home in the afternoon. All the driving her around was getting irritating, but nothing changed. My work schedule had to accommodate her schedule, she had Saturdays off, but there’s literally no reason she needed that day off, her managers even threatened to take that day off away from her a couple time, I told her it’d be easier for me to get any other day on a regular basis and it would probably be easier for her too; that way we can see each other. it went in one ear and out the other.

We started arguing more, she could see I was getting less patient with her, spending less of my free time with her, and just not really communicating with her. I think I exhausted myself trying to swoon her by really stepping out of my comfort zone. I’m a big introvert and it seems like she doesn’t want that. In trying to be something else I not only got exhausted but I became a bit resentful. we broke up when i went alone to visit my mom to sort out some tax stuff, my gf tried contacting me, she knew where I was and what I was doing. I missed her call because my phone is an old piece of crap that sometimes forwards calls to voicemail automatically with no notification. when I got into contact with her the next day she started accusing me of forwarding her calls on purpose, and She wanted to know what was wrong , and I told her, I didn’t forward those calls and the reason I’ve been so distant is because “I feel like I’m carrying all the weight in the relationship, I’ve rearranged my life around you, but you haven’t done the same.” I asked her if that made sense, she said “it sounds like you don’t want a relationship.” and then I said “you’re right” out of frustration. I apologized for not being more clear about all my feelings, she then proceeded to call me judgmental. And that pissed me off and I ended it there. the next day she texted me apologetic, saying she understands how I feel, she said she hopes I find happiness in life and that the year we spent together was amazing in her opinion. I responded with “I’m sorry, you’re wonderful, beautiful and I wish you the very best, goodbye” and her response to that was “you really were the man of my dreams”

we haven’t spoken since then. I keep toying with the idea of reconciliation, maybe not now but in the near future. I feel so frustrated. I keep having dreams about her.
if I were to go that route what are my chances anything would go well? she seemed like she was still hurting from all her previous relationships/bad break ups. It bothered me a lot, I was trying to make a relationship work, but I was dealing with all her baggage. I just felt like I was being taken for granted, and I wish i communicated that better, I didn’t really know what I was trying to convey to her at the time, it’s only after 4months of NC and self reflection that I realize what my issues with her were. I’ve gone elsewhere for advice and the majority of the it is “she seems immature, move on.” I understand that completely, but what if I reach out?

2

Can I just ask: what did you get out of this relationship that you want back?

3

Well, I guess I just miss having a cute, relatively easing going person to hang out and share affection with. Easy going in the sense that she didn’t really care that I’m in my mid 20’s(she’s the same age) and just getting by with my lame job.I think we both want something simple in life, but when it comes to relationship dynamics, her expectations seem unhealthy. Sometimes she’d employ emotional blackmail on me. I feel like only maladjusted or desperate people are going to put up with that kind of thing. None of this bodes well for her. I wanted to help her, but she’s so stubborn. I guess part of it is selfishness to want to be the one that “saves” her or w/e. it’s the same shit that had her communicating with her meth addicted ex.

We had plans to move in together and whatnot, but I left the area after the break up, back to living at home to recuperate. I still commute to that area for work. Being back home gets frustrating sometimes, so I yearn for what could’ve been had I tried to work things out a little more. I talked to my therapist before the break-up and he pretty much said this relationship would just be limping along if I continued. Sometimes I don’t think of it at all, other times I get sentimental. fwiw, I have enjoyed being able to focus on my own needs as of late. As I write this response, I don’t feel that my heart’s in this thing right now. She said I’ll never see her again the day before she sent her final goodbye message. Even if she were to see me, she’d probably hold this “break up” against me.

4

Should I try to feel things out? see if I get the sense that she’d be willing to work with me?

5

does anyone have any advice?? It’s been 5 months. It was easy to write off all her actions with everything fresh in my mind. now I’m reflecting on myself and I’m thinking I didn’t give her much of a chance to fix what was broken. Just assumed she would not really address the issue.

6

The only way to find out if she’s willing to talk about things, is to contact her. Maybe ask if she would consider a sort of negotiation where you each express the positives and negatives of your prior relationship and what changes you could each make as to how you would treat each other to make each other happier. If she’s agreeable to this, you could do it by phone or maybe in person. Once you get past this step, she may want to take it slow before attempting a possible reconciliation. In that case, just go out and have lots of fun together and prove to each other that you’ve made the necessary changes. Don’t tell her this, but in my opinion, it seems you’ve bent over backwards to please her and yet she didn’t reciprocate very much. Maybe that can change, but only if she understands your point of view and you two can calmly discuss all the issues. Both sides have to be willing to work together in order to make things better… Wishing the best for you.

7

Thanks, this helps a lot. I was angry with her when I broke up. I moved out of the area we lived in but I still work by there. It would have to be a slow thing. I left her in such a bad situation. She already has trust and abandonment issues. Im scared to see what she will say if I contact her. Should I just be apologetic from the start?

8

Hi Capetown, Are you in South Africa? Okay,maybe only apologize for the anger you showed during the break up. But you don’t need to apologize for the reasons you broke up with her. They were legitimate reasons. That’s why I suggested calmly discussing ways to improve your interactions with each other.

9

Oh no, I’m in the U.S. I haven’t made any moves, like I said I’m kind of scared to reconnect. The fact that she hasn’t broke NC in 5 months now is telling isn’t it? like she probably moved on…in a way it confirms some of my worst feelings about how she didn’t love me enough. I get the sense if I go back I’ll have to be living in apology. Also is there value in not coming back? like it might be a lesson to her to look more inward and fix some of her issues. I don’t know if reaching out to her would negate that lesson. idk how much I actually care about teaching her something, I think I’m more concerned about my pride in all this. how it looks for me to come crawling back when she might shoot me down. That could feed more into her ego. I feel like I have to do something drastic to get over this. either move far away accepting I’ll never see her, or contacting her and profusely apologizing.

10
I hope you’re doing well. I’m sorry I ended things so abruptly. I felt so angry in the moments leading up to our break up. I felt as though I was being taken for granted. It was a growing resentment that I was struggling with long before anything really bad happened in our relationship. I wrote it off as my own insecurity early on. As things got more intense it became apparent that our dynamic was not healthy for me. The anger stayed with me for months after we parted. I’ve been reflecting a lot. I miss you. I wish things were different. I wish we could start over. It wouldn’t be the same, but it could be better.

how do you think this message would go over if I sent it to her?

11

Hi, It sounds okay and she should appreciate the time, effort, and feelings you put in to it:) I hope you get a positive reply. If you don’t hear back from her or the reply isn’t what you want to hear, don’t feel bad about yourself! You were good to her and you tried your best. It would be her loss. Wishing you luck…

12

wow, so i never contacted her, I realized i was depressed and wanted to try to fix that first. this past fall was when the realization happened, I made appointments to see a doc to prescribe me anti depressants, then out of the blue my ex contacts me, want to try to reconcile. I panic, feel like I’m not ready to talk to her yet, feel like I need to sort myself out, but relucntantly i aggree to see her. 3 nice dates and then a petty argument at the end of the third. keep in mind during this time I’m still depressed in between two different medications.(the previous meds I got were giving bad reactions) immediately after this fight I am angry, I start taking new meds, which makes me antisocial and I isolate myself. I never text ex back after the fight and she never texts me. 3 months later i realized the new meds were making anti social, so i switch to a different medication. things are a lot more clear now, i realized how bad i handled everything now and feel like I should reach out this time and explain. this is my situation NOW. maybe it’s just v-day. I’m still not sure if we’re right for one another, but I do miss some things about her. there’s other things I could do without, but I’m scared she’s moved on too. I’m trying to leave the area for vacation, maybe I can reflect on it a little more. does anyone think she would be understanding?

13

@capetown
What was the petty argument about and what did you both say to each other? Most arguments can be avoided entirely or minimized so as to not offend, insult, or hurt the other person. Is the new medicine working for you to where you feel stable and happy? If so, it would be a good idea to contact her to explain and apologize too. You broke up with her a year ago, so she might have moved on, but you won’t know until you contact her. She really loved you and I’m sure she will be understanding… When are you leaving on vacation and how long will you be gone?

14

@patricia12
we broke up a year ago, but after 8months of no contact she texted me, the text was 4 months ago.
some background, sorry about the length.

she got really into radical veganism towards the end of our relationship(1 year ago). I tried to be as supportive of her choice as possible(always buy/cook her veg food when together, watch depressing docs about animals, try to listen when she talks about it) but i was never convinced veganism was a worthwile thing for me. she was so enthusiastic though. all she would talk about when we were together was vegan stuff, it made being together a lot less fun for me. It’s a lifesyle change and it felt like one more thing I had to commit to in order to keep the relationship functioning. The problem is she wasn’t doing the same, so when I became exhausted trying to support the relationship, it fell apart because she wasn’t supporting any of it she just kept doing her thing. When she has a problem, I’m there to comfort and support her, when I have problems, it felt like I had no one but myself. Does that make sense?. When we first broke up, this dynamic wasn’t so obvious to me and my failure through ALL of this has been my inability to articulate this to her.

But all I saw at the time was that she was becoming vegan and I was already trying to do a lot for her(see my first post), but it wasn’t enough until I embraced the vegan stuff. It felt like the veganism was driving us apart and her enthusiasm made it seem like she was choosing that lifestyle over me. I tried emphasizing that I’m not vegan when we were together, but she would get defensive when I did, so I just tried to roll with it. veganism became a sore-spot for me, but it was illustrative of the bigger problematic dynamic we had, which I summarized when we first broke up as “I’m holding all the weight of the relationship are you’re not doing the same for me.” to which she responded “sounds like you don’t want a relationship.”

fast forward after 8 months of No contact. we are trying reconciliation after she breaks NC. I tell her I’m dealing with depression, not sure this is right at the moment and seeing a doc. she feels bad about how we originally broke up and wants to help me. We go on a few dates, they’re fun, but it still feels weird. meds make me feel numb and again she’s talking about vegan stuff a lot(which is still a sore spot I’m associating with a bigger prob).THe last date I take her to beautiful neighborhood with a trail by the ocean and she loves it. we walk for like 6 hours then decide to get some food. Her being vegan I decide to take her to a vegan restaurant I heard great things about. we search for the place for an hour, turns out it’s closed, I immediately google another vegan place, we find it it’s a cool little bar/food place with other young people, but the food takes forever. we finally get the food to go, it’s around midnight I drive to a secluded spot, we eat.

The food was okay, it took us roughly two hours to find something to eat though and it’s past midnight and I’m tired, but I like sitting in the car and listening to her talk. Then she asks me about how my diets been lately, I mention I usually have a couple eggs for breakfast. She starts telling me how unhealthy eggs are. I get defensive and re-emphasize that I’m not vegan and I give her my reasoning(which she’s heard before and I thought she understood and accepted) and she dismisses it and goes on a rant, reasserts I’m wrong, and talks about why she finds veganism important. I starting sobbing, because this feels like the same problem that we had when we were together, nothing changed. There’s silence, i feel so confused and not certain how to articulate why I’m so bothered. She starts saying “you don’t like to talk, how am I supposed to fix our problem if you don’t tell me what it is?.”(let me emphasize that I was still pretty reluctant to see her at all because mentally I felt I wasn’t prepared to address our problemss). Eventually all I can muster up is “feels like what I say doesn’t matter.” to which she responds, “I listen to what you say, I just have facts and know what I’m talking about.” I tell see her “today’s been nice, up until this point” and “I’m sorry we got into this argument.” She accepts the apology(although idk why I’m apologizing) and I tell her I’m really tired and have to take her home. As I’m driving back there’s silence, I feel I’m being treated unfairly, but I’m tired, we get to her house. She asks “is everything okay” I respond “yeah,” I hug her. after the hug she whispers something to me, I’m too tired to understand, I just want to leave, but I think it was “i love you” I just say “good night.” I drive home angry, demotivated, I tell myself this is it, I’m not “putting up with this again.”

a week goes by i don’t know if I should continue, I feel so much dread, half a week goes by my depression gets worse, the presidential election happens, I get caught up in all the crazy current affairs, i still haven’t texted her, she hasn’t texted me, still not sure if I should.

two weeks after the incident, I start taking adderall, because my doc thinks if I become more productive, my depression might reduce. We try just adderall, nothing else to asses the effectiveness. adderall makes me antisocial, I’m completing more tasks, but I don’t have desire to be around any people, and so I start thinking “to hell with my ex, she never accepted me for me” I never contact her. It’s 4months later since that fight. I realized the adderall was making me become isolated and angry. I tell my doctor this, he takes me off adderall and switches me to a combination of ritalin and wellbutrin. Now I want to be around people, now I realize that debating the ethics of veganism with my ex was pointless, rather I should have articulated the bigger problem and that her veganism was only a small part of it. I feel bad about all that stuff, and miss her, but there’s still concerns about compatibility.

I’m going out to LA in a few days, I want to be away from this area and alone for a little. going to check out some art museum, a music show, maybe visit the independent theaters. Around Valentines day doesn’t seem like the right time to reach out to her if I decide to do that all. Seems like things would be too emotional, seems too soon, and if she’s moved on I don’t want to ruin that day for her.

15

It sounds like she needs to hear you out. But it’s not worth it if you don’t think you’re in the right state of mind.

Keep focusing on taking care of yourself

16

@Sansa
yeah I’m hoping I can find some clarity. I feel lost in general, so I’m hesitant about making my ex crutch for what might be a different problem.

17

@capetown - After I read about her being a vegan and how she lectures you about it, my thoughts are that you two are NOT compatible because this issue will continue and you will be miserable in the long run! Please consider dating someone else who is NOT a vegan. Hope you have a safe and fun vacation:)

18

@patricia12

You really thinks so? She’s said she’d love me, even, if I ate meat. It never felt that way though. I was vegetarian up until a month ago because I stopped caring. I don’t know how she rationalizes what happened. If it so important that she doesn’t care if it drives me away then yeah, that’s a bit upsetting to me. I never told her not do it, just that I’m not going to do the same. I’ve always tried supporting her interests and hobbies, even though they’re not inherently important to me, but the fact that she gets a lot out of it,is the reason I would encourage her. Vegan/vegeterian retention is like 84% so if she’s ends up in that statistic would she ever have a regret? I guess it doesn’t matter.

thanks I’ll try to enjoy my vacation.