I’ve just got a response for my letter.
It is written in a strange official manner and expains her point of view and decisions/ apoligies. She wishes me luck and hopes that some day when I get better we can meet and talk normally.
She is in this new “relationship” ( with the guy she cheated me on - in the end).
He is few years older, has a 9yo doughter and they live like 3000 km away.
But she says it is a decent man and has serious plans towards her… Yeah right.
Anyways I have to say that after our short meeting and talking I stared going down again. And today my self confidence is quite low.
I think this is over for now and I should move on.
The way I see it Kiwi, is that she is testing other areas right now.
Notice she said that when you get better you two can meet up and talk normally? That letter, man. lol
Moving on is what we all have to do for the betterment of ourselves. It doesn’t mean not strive for a new relationship with our exes, but get to a point where we are better so we can get them (or someone even more suited for us) back.
I have moved on from my relationship. Almost 9yrs with my ex. I felt betrayed on more than a few levels. My ex has sought me out repeatedly, but I am in such a good place… I can control my emotions, and I don’t give in to her. I bet it stuns her because before, in the relationship, and after the breakup…I gave in to her so much. lol I was a mess. But I got better. I became stronger, and I can finally see a future without her. That’s where it can turn around.
Finding ourselves and healing can attract so much. Not just our exes but opportunities and happiness… the possibilities are endless. We open ourselves back up to amazing things. That’s a beautiful things, and I am extremely confident that you will get there. You will get to the point where you see or hear from your ex and you won’t have relapses. You’ll appear wiser, more confident, emotionally steady… and you may attract her back. But fuck… at that point you might realize you don’t want her.
Yes she said it was hard for her to read my letter - but as I said it wasn’t supposed to be the ‘magic letter’ (thus I’ve tried to plant few positive anchors in it-to bring back good memories of me/us) but some kind of a closure letter. I’ve sent it now just because I felt sorry for how our meeting went and I felt sorry for her being sad and all. I wanted to give some explanation to why have my feelings and my behaviour towards her changed.
Now I feel it was a mistake to see her - and it was something I didn’t want to do - I didn’t reach out- the circumstances kind of made me.
@LAbound you commented I handled the situation rather well - and yes I felt like I took the power back after my visit in the city as I wasn’t needy or clingy but I was indifferent and maybe not too nice (she wrote that I appeared angry and nervous - but it was the situation with her father and our dog that made me really angry). But today I fell like I’ve ruined all my “getting better” work I mean after her letter I can see she is doing “fine” and I stopped being sorry for her. But I myself feel broken again Lost it…
Obviously I am /and was not over all the situation yet (2 NCs of 1mnth length) and maybe seeing her moving on without regrets hurts me deep down. Anyways message to other ppl here - DON’T CONTACT your ex if you are not 100% sure you’re ready - or you’ll get hurt again.
As for her “new relationship” - I think it as an absurd /rebound?/ because :
she has met the guy on her holidays - when we were still officially together and I wasn’t aware what’s coming - and he was her Couchsurfing host /yep…/
I’m pretty sure it is now a LDR cause he lives in Portugal and she’s 3000 km away in another country. And the’ve seen each other literally for just a few days- on her holidays/ I am not sure if they’ve spent NY eve together but I am quite sure she has no time for travel right now and the guy has his own stuff to run.
He has his life /doughter, business/ in Portugal and she has to finish her doctor specialisation in another country. So she has to stay there for at least 9 months and even then she has to keep working + study for her big final exam - and I don’t see any future for her in Portugal, lol.
She engaged in this new relation without any bereavement after our 13 years together. I am aware that - if it is true - she might get emotionally distanced from me sometime before - but is that enough to get fully healthy detached of that strong bond we’ve had? In the letter now she wrote that when I was gone abroad she didn’t miss me - she was rather “euphoric” - and worried about this feeling.
No wonder that her mum is so extremely worried about all this and her daughter’s future that she got into depression - but it had and still has no impact on my ex’s perception. Well it is her life, let her have it.
@LAbound could you remind me how long did it take you to get in the place you are now? I’d sooo like to be in the same point with my feelings.
I only just got to feel better few days after the NY eve so…
Today she has sent me a photo of our dog. She knows I love and miss the dog that is why. Later we texted a little - I just wanted to apologize for some harsh words I said before and for that she felt bad about our relationship (as she said she felt bad and the love was gone). And she apologized for how she has ended the relationship etc. But told me her feelings to all this situation and towards me haven’t changed - she doesn’t feel love anymore… Well I think it is over and nothing is going to change that.
Very similar situations here, met my ex while on a fellowship year in the States but had to leave after 6 months of a blissful relationship since my visa ran out. We decided to stay together and planned for me to move back so I could live with him. He has a stable life there so it was out of question for him to leave it behind for me and move away. Anyway, we decided it would be best for me to go back and we managed to keep our long distance working pretty well with the help of whatsapp and skype. He came to visit me and met my parents and we were planning to go on a Eurotrip or me to visit him for Xmas. So things were going very well, he kept telling me how much he missed me and we made plans for our future when suddenly (after he came back from visiting me and his family afterwards), things started going downhill. He started telling me he felt depressed that I wasn’t there, picked fights, was very critical of me, told me I wasn’t trying hard enough to go back etc. It got to the point that he set a deadline on our relationship. If I didn’t manage to go back by November that would be the end of it as he didn’t want to wait forever. Red flag right there but I missed it. Mind you, finding a job in a foreign country without any support is extremely tough and he wasn’t really doing much to help me out except complain. When I brought it up, he initially agreed with me and then said he was gonna try to be more helpful. I thought it was a good sign and he finally understood what I was going thru but some time later an old issue came up and we got in a huge fight and soon after that he broke up with me. Told me he didn’t feel any love for me anymore and the distance made it worse and he resented me for the way I bossed him around, told him what to do etc. etc. Basically, it all sounded like a lot of bs and that he just wanted out and came up with all those excuses to make it look like it was my fault. My friend told me he wasn’t ready for me and seemed very unsure about our relationship in the last month. My world came tumbling down obviously since I really thought we were gonna make it thru hard times and really hoped he was the one (he had also told me I was his soulmate). Turns out I was wrong.
I’m still trying to go back to where he lives, not for him but to pursue better options for myself. I don’t know if we stand a chance if I move back there but I’d love to go back to what we had since it was absolutely wonderful. We made each other very happy. How can I trust him again after this thou? I guess we hadn’t been together long enough (13 months) for him to make up his mind if I was worth the trouble but he kept telling me he loved me and wanted me back and wanted us to live together and try to build a life. Maybe I’m too old fashioned and take this stuff too seriously but we’re both adults (29 and 34) and I thought if a person says something at this age they stick by it. I know I wasn’t the best gf at a distance and I wasn’t there when he got lonely but it wasn’t my fault. He should know me better than that. Besides, we’re all human and I may have showed him the ugly side of me when I was depressed, unemployed and missing him badly but that’s also part of me that he’s got to accept it. I can’t always be the happy, funny person he met and fell in love with. So don’t blame yourself for “not being the same person and looking negative”. We all act differently depending on our circumstances but your essence doesn’t change. If he knows and values who you really are, he’ll love the negative, depressed and grumpy you just as much. I’m sure he’s not an angel either (my ex sure wasn’t but that didn’t make me resent him!)
To cut this short, even if our exes come around and want us back (for example when we’re back in their cities), we should really give it a second thought before accepting them. If they’ve dumped us once already, who’s to say they won’t do it when s*** gets rough again? It doesn’t mean they’re bad people, I still love my ex and think he’s a wonderful man that any woman would be lucky to have but they simply didn’t have the balls to come through for us. Whatever it is, do not blame yourself and just try to focus on the positive things in your life.
Thank you so much for your message. Its good to know of other people in a more similar situation to me like with a long distance relationship. My ex ran off with my friend the day he dumped me and then went to her country for 3 weeks like he was going to do by coming to visit me before we moved to his country together but instead the new girlfriend has moved to his country with him and they have only dated for 8 weeks!!! Pretty crazy behaviour but I think its classic relationship rebound and he too like your boyfriend could not stand to be away from me for so long, even though the day he broke up with me was JUST 3 weeks before he was going to be reunited with me and no more being apart. so its pretty crazy, but I guess they have no logic to these stupid things they do.
I just arrive in his country and home city yesterday and I really like it here. His family have told me they dont think his new girlfriend will stay living here because she can not speak the language so can not find work and only has him that she talks to. I make friends easily and make friends over the Internet already and have lived in and travelled many different cultures so I adapt well ans like new countries and culture. the family dont understand him and he won’t talk about anything about me or the break up just refuse to talk about it and they love me and have Skype me and hear a lot about me for over a year so like me a lot but don’t like the new girl or what he has done to me. They think they will break up and the girl return home soon.
I am focusing on myself and have a job interview already and people to meet up with as well. So if there was a chance in the future he wants me back I dont know if I would take him back as he has treated me very badly and not a care for me at all. It is like he just erase me and pretend it did not happen and I think and his family think that he knows how bad a thing he did to me and he doesn’t want to feel bad so does not acknowledge what he has done, pretends he is good and act ‘normal’. Pretty crazy. But people see he is not as happy with her like he was with me, all the photo’s we had together he looks so happy but photo with her not as happy and he would post photo to fb and say ‘how beautiful is my gf?’ But he does not do that with his new girlfriend.
I hope you moving to the same city as your ex works out well for you and you get a job and if you see him it goes ok. Stay strong, focused and live your life for you. For me I find it helps me to move somewhere new, new adventure, exciting, new life, opportunities and so much, the same for you too.
And maybe if our ex get the chance to be with us again they would not be so stupid to dump us again. If we make our life and our self so great and happy and independent many guys including our ex want to be with us.
Good luck and let me know how you get on.
Wow, that’s pretty crazy shit that your ex ran off with your friend and moved to his country with her! Definitely sounds like a rebound to me, what’s more it sounds like he simply put her in your place in the plans YOU made together. That must have really sucked for you! I think some men are just weak and can’t wait for too long for one woman (they want instant gratification). I’m pretty sure my ex didn’t jump into a new relationship right after we broke up but honestly it didn’t make it any easier for me.
Good for you that you’re enjoying your new life! I’m also the same: lived and traveled in many different countries and feel very confident outside of my comfort zone pretty much anywhere. Maybe these guys just can’t handle us since we’re such cool chicks:) Also it’s awesome that you have your ex’s family’s support. Unfortunately in my case my ex’s family was very much against me (although they didn’t even know me but they’re just very conservative and wanted him to end up with someone from his own culture!) I suspect it also had an effect on him since he started acting up after visiting his family back in his home country.
What you said about your ex knowing he treated you badly but not acknowledging it is also true. I think my ex is doing the same, acting like nothing happened and outright refusing to acknowledge that he hurt my feelings. He simply shuts down any conversation about it and acts as if he’s the “good guy” and handled everything so well. Of course nobody wants to think of themselves as a*holes even if they act that. Don’t worry, what goes around comes around and if he’s wronged you it’ll haunt him one day. If he doesn’t look as happy with his new gf maybe it’s because deep down it’s already bothering him. He can run away from everyone but not from himself…
Yeah it has sucked big time for me to deal with him running off with another woman and for her to have been a friend too. Neither show any remorse either. But like you said they will get there karma. Pair if selfish idiots.
And my ex wasn’t really a bad guy before all of this. He was lovely to me, always making me laugh and treating me so well. The only thing I have to complain about is him putting his uni course and free time to do stuff or see friends before me during the 7 months we spent apart and he could have contacted a bit more. He didn’t suggest skyping me very often, normally I suggested it and that annoyed and hurt me.
They are weak men, I believe women are mentally stronger than men and and can cope being on their own much better, men need someone around then a lot more and need constant encouragement and to feel good I think. They need to get mentally strong and sort their heads out.
But we must just continue our awesome lives and have fun. They will soon see what they are missing, all the amazing friends we have made in the new country/city and guys who want to hangout with us and be with us, us having a great time with out them where as there life not as good as when it was with us. Also them finally dealing with the break up and then suffering badly and realising what dicks they have been.
Yeah also he cant run away from himself. Think he sees how awkward it is with his ex being around his family but jokes and pretends things are ok. That will soon effect him too to see how he has upset his family so much and caused them a lot of stress. I saw a psychic who said many things about it all and said they wont last and he will feel bad and will miss not being so close to his family.
Hope things go well for you. When do you move or have you already?
@hayz Hmm yeah, no remorse in this situation is pretty messed up. But I’m sure it will come soon.
I can’t complain about my ex not staying in touch during our LDR, he was actually pretty good at it seeing how it was his first time. We chatted and Skyped a lot and he wanted me to constantly stay in touch. At the same time, he still did his own thing with friends etc. and I was happy he was doing it although I must admit I was jealous that I wasn’t there to enjoy it with him but I didn’t want to smother him. But the last month he had a huge conference to work on and he told me to leave him alone cuz he didn’t have time for me plus he wanted some space to figure things out. Honestly, I handled it pretty badly cuz it upset me a lot and things just got nasty from there. I’m not proud of my behavior during that period. Basically, LDR sucks:((( But people make it work, you just need BOTH parties to be equally invested in it which unfortunately didn’t happen in our cases.
I haven’t moved back to his country and not sure if I will any time soon (I’m looking for a job there but it’s extremely tough). I’m not worried about it, just gotta do what is best for me right now. If I ever go back, I have a group of friends there and will be able to lead a good life without him. If he wants to come back into the picture, I’ll be happy to give him another chance as I still have very strong feelings for him.
I don’t think his life without me is that bad or ever will be. He’s pretty well-off with a great job and a good social circle and although he told me often that I made his life much better and more meaningful, I don’t exactly expect him to be depressed without me and come running back. He’s simply not the kind of a person to look back and regret his decisions easily. Unless I show up in his town looking hotter and happier than ever, I’m afraid there’s no chance in hell he’ll start thinking what he’s missing. Then again, who knows… As they say where I’m from: “Another person’s soul is always in the shadow.”
That was a bit of a rant, sorry about that:) Hope things work out for you too!
Thats pretty sad if your ex wouldn’t miss you or regret the break up. Hope he does realise it.
My ex wasn’t terrible at staying in contact but could have been better but his uni course was very tough and getting top grades was more important to him and getting top grades. We whats apped everyday but time difference was hard as 10 hour difference and him studying and me working then we had to sleep too.
I got annoyed at my ex a few times asking him to skype more and whats app, but not angry just ask him to message and Skype more and make time for it. I wanted him to have fun and see friends and relax too and said this many times to him though he forgets this and says he too resented me, saying I told him not to have fun or see people etc which is not true as I have the messages where I told him to have fun…the only thing is if he was out for hours he would never message me then he might send 2 messages when he got home then straight to bed.
Hope you find a job soon and things go well for you.
@hayz
Yes, we’ve been thru that too, me wanting to Skype more and him being busy and all. I guess that’s pretty normal. We had an 11 hour difference so I know that’s tough. My ex also started school the month that we broke up and, like you said, school + work just became more important to him. He simply couldn’t handle that while also being in a LDR.
It’s not that he resented you, he just resented the whole situation. My ex also twisted a lot of the things that I said but once he got it in his head, there’s no point trying to argue. Unfortunately, I realized it too late. Could have saved myself many hours of bitter arguments.
Thanks, I’ll keep you posted on how it goes for me!
I mean after her letter I can see she is doing “fine” and I stopped being sorry for her. But I myself feel broken again