Do I have a chance?

reconciliation
1

Basically, over the last few months I wasn’t putting enough effort into the relationship. I let quality drop as I just wasn’t sure if it’s what I wanted. Of course these things faded. I’m young and have been with this girl for 4 years, so I thought I’d maybe wanna try something new.

Fast forward this impacted us, and she broke up with me on Saturday. Since then I’ve seen her once where I made a complete fool of myself trying to win her back, then after she asked for space, I’m happy to respect this. I slipped up a bit today, as I messaged her to tell her she looked great in her newest post, and then I kinda poured my heart out a second time. It sucks. Anyway. I’m more than happy to give her this space now. Although right now she says she feels a lot less stressed and happy, I’m hoping she does start to miss me soon and hopefully reconsiders. So I will be giving her as much space until she’s ready to talk things out a bit, I have clothes at her house, and also in an ideal world if this is my fate, would like to say goodbye to her parents.

The problem is I can’t give up yet. I know what I want and I hope that she can give me the chance to show her I can change from the last few months and give it another shot (obviously only if she’s 100% willing too). I just need help with a few things.

Is it normal for her to have this much relief and be this happy straight away? Will she miss me later down the line or is it as good as done? (She said she’s only doubted her decision like 1% but it has only been a few days, this is almost like a new life for both of us as we’ve been together for ages)

Do you think I have a chance? Is it possible to even prove to someone you’ve changed without being able to get them into a relationship to show it, I understand she doesn’t want to be hurt again but I’m struggling to see how I’d prove such a thing.

How should I approach this? Should I completely ghost her? Will that lead to her realising that there is a ‘me shaped hole’ in her life atm? Whether it’s me or something else that fills that hole, it still exists, we spent a ton of time together. Or should I message her occasionally? Checking in on her? Should I be posting to my social media when I go out to subtly show her that I still exist and potentially make her miss our times together?

How do I focus? We’ve broken up on this scale before, and after a month we sorted things. However I never felt back then what I feel now. I feel like my heart has been ripped straight from my chest. My anxiety is worse, my ED is flaring up again, I feel sick constantly and I can’t focus! At work I think about how I can fix things, at home I think about it, I haven’t done anything other than one bike ride since the breakup! I really feel empty inside and my only mission is to fix this. I really hope I can

Please be as honest as possible. If it’s a lost cause I need to know now really, if you need any context I’m happy to provide. I just need help. I can’t do this anymore.

2

@throwawaylook198 How old are you two? Did you go out on a date with another girl while you were in a relationship with your ex or did you just think it or tell her you were thinking about it? What was the previous breakup about?

First of all, don’t think about your clothes at her place or saying goodbye to her parents!

Next, don’t stalk her social media or make any comments on her posts. And you don’t need to post stuff to show you exist or make her miss you. Her own thoughts and memories will cause her to miss you.

Even though you messed up, start honoring her request for space from this day forward!! Yes, it’s possible she would be a little happier now that she doesn’t have to confront you with her hurt or any more of your pleadings. She knows how you feel, so don’t nag her about it.

Four years is a long time and if she was happy being with you for most of those years, you probably have a good chance to eventually reconcile. If she gives you another chance, yes it’s possible to show you’ve changed by treating her well like in the beginning of your dating/courting days and not giving her any reason to mistrust you etc…

It’s likely she will start to miss you and contact you. Then answer appropriately. Depending on what she says, slowly start to reconnect by texting or calling occasionally to ask about her work or whatever. Maybe even ask to see her if you think it’s a possibility…

I understand you’re heart broken, but you need to focus on one day at a time! Whenever you find yourself obsessing about her or asking yourself questions that are irrelevant at this time, force yourself to divert your attention to something else… You could also talk with your parents to seek their guidance.

Wishing you luck and take care!

3

We’re both 18. We met at 14. I was never unfaithful, but she was acting very very jealous towards a girl who started work even tho I had no intentions and made that clear. Meanwhile my friends were suggesting maybe I should try a different lifestyle a little and all this gave me doubts about my relationship. Stupidly I kept it to myself, and this showed as I stopped seeing her as much, and even when I was staying round I was always too tired or in a slightly bad mood. This wasn’t constant but I know how I would feel if my partner was on and off like this, I can see why it’s gotten to this point.

As for our previous breakup, last year we’d started at different colleges and were both feeling down about it, having less time with each other, and we got a little insecure, we argued frequently in that time and broke up. Blocked each other on everything. To begin with I was so happy, I could do what I wanted, and kept myself busy and was happy with the outcome. Then after a week or two, it really hit me what I’d lost and I was desperate to get her back, I left a voicemail asking if we could talk and we did, on a field, we stared into each other’s eyes a bit and were very smiley, it was like we’d met again for the first time. We both decided to give it a go, and we would prove to each other we don’t have to argue all the time to settle our differences. After another week or two of slow and steadily seeing each other and going on cute dates, she agreed to get back with me.

All was good up until now, I saw her last thursday literally and everything was fine, she was still intimate and craving my attention as normal, but then on Saturday I had a pretty bad day and basically let her know all of the problems I was facing, and that I was worried she didn’t care which was a dumb thing to say. She then proceeded to break up with me saying that she wanted some freedom and that she also felt like I just didn’t put any effort in, and that she needs time being single to heal. When I spoke to her wednesday she said she was leaning towards not getting back together, so I’m really low on hope atm, I’m just hoping that overtime she does realise that she maybe misses us a bit and would like to try again.

I’d love for her to contact me but I just don’t think that’s likely. She seems happy atm, it’s only been 2 days of full no contact but I guess she’s probably loving it, cause on Wednesday she did say that she actually felt happy.

4

@patricia12 - sorry forgot to tag you.
do you really think i have a chance?
i dont understand that after 4 years she is completely happy with it

5

@throwawaylook198 Apparently she broke up with you recently on Saturday August 1st, so I’m guessing she is happily relieved that there is no more anxiety caused by a contentious relationship.

Are you two living nearby each other or in the same town? Still different colleges?

Arguments are one of the main reasons for breakups! For future reference; if there are differences of opinion important enough to discuss, talk with each other calmly and listen to her points of view. If necessary, come to a compromise of some sort. But NEVER yell, swear, or name call. And NEVER say anything you’ll regret such as what you said about her not caring about your bad day at work.

It might take a few days, weeks, or even months, but maybe she will miss more and more as the days go by and she might text to ask to talk (like you did after the last breakup).

Whenever you two talk again, DO NOT ask about her feelings for you and DO NOT pressure her about getting back together. But you could ask if she would like to see you. Then slowly/steadily see each other and go on cute/fun dates (like you did after the last breakup). Maybe abstain from intimacy for a while too. Let things happen naturally…

6

@patricia12
but surely she would also be upset? 4 years and she feels nothing but joy? i may have struggled with showing reciprocation and she may want some more freedom but surely she’d feel something?

yes. we actually work in the same store and occasionally walk by each other, although i have a whole week off from now so that’s one less thing to worry about. we also live about a 5 min drive from each other, in a sort of small town, so for example when cycling home from work i have to pass her house etc. we both have finished with college.

im just slightly worried that she doesn’t seem to care at all, like today she was out with her mate having fun and looks genuinely happy, i just dont get how those feelings are shut off overnight. today will have marked a week, so idk how she’s gotten through it all without any doubt and that fast, cause i want the secret!

but thank you for the advice, i hope she does contact me and miss me, it’s all i want atm, and to better myself so that if she does do that im ready for it.

7

@throwawaylook198 Stop agonizing about how she might feel or what she might be thinking!! Whenever you see her at work, just be courteous if there needs to be any interaction related to work.

8

@patricia12 it’s so tricky! i just want normality back

9

@patricia12 also, does her going out literally every day since the breakup mean that she will have less time or chance to miss me? in that case should i give up?

10

@throwawaylook198 You need to stop spying on her. And you have to stop obsessing about her! It won’t help you to continue dwelling on and obsessing about the situation.

If the 4 year relationship was mostly a good one, she will miss you whether she’s going out every day or not.

Because the breakup was only a very short while ago (8 days ago), don’t give up yet. You need to give her time to sort out her feelings and think about what she wants to do!

Continue no contact and focus on yourself.

11

@patricia12

You’re right. I need to stop looking at her socials and finding out what’s up. I’ll only fuel my anxiety and fears.

I feel it was good, we definitely loved each other I believe, just she was way better at showing it and now all of a sudden it’s been switched off.

Okay thank you, I’ll continue with no contact, it’s just a rough one cause surely I have to get the timing to a T because if I do it too long she’ll get over me if I end it too soon she won’t have had a chance to think

12

@throwawaylook198 Sounds like you’re thinking logically now:)

Take good care of yourself and stay safe…