Do I have a chance to reconcile with my guy friend, or did I loose him forever?

reconciliation
1

I need some help here. I have this guy friend (I’m 32 and he will be 43 in a couple months) and we met back in 2010 working together on a month long project for the summer. We live on opposite coasts and we barely talk on social media. He was happily married back when we met, but he quickly got a divorce and started to date one of the girls we worked with.

To make things more complecated, we met again a in late 2013, at a party he was having. His eyes sparkled when he laid eyes on me. I think he noticed some changes I had made between the last time he saw me, including the fact that I lost 30 pounds. But he would never say anything about it. He just said that I look really good. I blushed, we both admitted that we missed each other and in the midst of teasing me about missing him, he found a note in my hand telling him my feelings for him. He asked me if I love him and I had to fight the tears telling him yes and that I’m sorry I ruined our friendship. He hugged me close to his body, and assured me that I didn’t do anything wrong and that we are still friends. He told me to never apologize for my feelings if they are real, because why apologize for something you can’t change. He was happy he had me smiling again before I left the party (I had work the next morning). He never once brought up his girlfriend in our conversation. I felt fantastic and beautiful, and I’m sure he felt the self-confidence radiate from me. But he still had his girlfriend and he never told me how he felt about me except for that maybe there will be a chance in the future for us. I told him that I would rather us be friends than him feeling like he can’t talk to me because of my feelings getting in the way, I think he was happy that I said that.

As of right now, he has blocked me on social media. I have a feeling that he girlfriend made him do that because she never liked me and felt jealous that he would even look at me. I opened a separate Twitter account and he opened a separate account also (at least I believe it is him) and we talk maybe once a month. I’m afraid though that I have lost him as a friend and that he will never talk to me again. My self-confidence went from high to low the day he blocked me last Christmas and it’s been a struggle since then.

He is no longer with this girl after dating her for these years, and officially called it quits as of the beginning of this year. Now he is dating another girl. I decided to make myself have a “no contact” time for about 6 months or so until I get myself back to being the self-confident woman that he saw he last time we met 2 years ago. I figured that if he sees me missing from social media after I tried to get his attention and apologize for making him uncomfortable, maybe he will miss me and want to talk about this.

My guy friend remembers details about me that my average friends wouldn’t remember, he looked at me longingly the last time we met up and he held my hands when we talked, he asked me details about my plans for the day and if I wanted to work with him again in the future, but he also acts wishy-washy as I mentioned before. He also told me that he enjoys receiving messages on Twitter from me and that I make him smile, so that is why I continued to send him messages just as I always had. Also, he introduced me to his parents and sisters. We talked and I still keep in touch with his sisters (but I haven’t talked to them since I have him his space).

I wouldn’t necessarily call him my ex since we never had a real romantic relationship. But I’m hoping you can give me some advice here anyways. He knows I love him, and I have a feeling that he had a more-than-friendly feelings for me. Would 3 months of silence work for me, or would I be risking him forgetting about me altogether? Does being long distance make the chances of reconciliation of our friendship almost impossible?

Thank you!

2

Any help at all would be greatly appreciated from Kevin and anyone else!

One of the most heartbreaking parts was when he blocked me on Twitter, which was last year on Christmas Day. What kind-hearted man block a girl friend on Christmas Day? I have a suspicion that it was his girlfriend (well ex-girlfriend) who told him to).

I did pretty much everything that was listed at the beginning of what not to do and about a week ago (after seeing him on Instagram flirting with his rebound) I finally decided that I needed to do NC.

Another thing is that I don’t have his phonen number (I’m a shy person and I didn’t know how to ask him when we worked together and knowing he was married), and I certainly don’t have his address. So it’s not like I can text him or write him a letter at the end of my NC and try to rekindle our friendship.

I just really need some helpful insight and advise here please!

3

Please! Any help would be GREATLY appreciated! :slight_smile:

4

I’m sorry to say, but I think you’re doing too much fantasizing about this guy. He seems like a nice guy who was just being polite when he saw you at the party almost 3 years ago. The part about having a note in your hand about your feelings for him is very strange and probably made him feel awkward because he didn’t and doesn’t feel the same about you. Talking about a friendship was his way of being kind and polite so as not to hurt your feelings. He has dated other girls and lives across the country. It seems he’s always considered you just as a casual friend. You ask what kind of man would block a girlfriend on Christmas day, but you were never his girlfriend! He blocked you on Twitter for a reason and I highly doubt he did it was because his girlfriend told him to. Maybe you were pestering him too much. If he wanted to date you or have a relationship with you, he would have asked long ago or more recently, but he didn’t. Also the fact that he never gave you his phone number or email address speaks volumes, because if he wanted you to have his contact information, he would’ve given it to you. Seems you’re doing the chasing and he’s doing the retreating…

Are you going to try to rekindle a friendship via Instagram after a period of no contact? What other social media are you referring to when you say you think he might miss you on social media? When was the last time you had electronic communication with him and what did he write?

No, he won’t forget you, but don’t know if he would even want a friendship since you’re so far apart. Wonder how is it that you met his parents if he’s thousands of miles away from you and he’s probably living near his parents. Something to consider would be to start dating nice guys near you. One of them might lead to a “real” relationship. Please stop torturing yourself by obsessing about a guy that’s on the other coast and who has never really shown as much interest in you as you’ve shown in him. The reality is that a proper relationship takes two people wanting the same thing.

5

Thank you Patricia!
First, when I said “girl friend” I meant as in a friend that is a girl, not a legitimate girlfriend as you said. Second, I didn’t mention all the times he flirted with me on Twitter and in person the times he would come back to visit his parents and friends. He lives primarily on the west coast because his job requires him to (and his kids live there too). I’ll be honest, we both work in the entertainment industry.

The last time we met 3 years ago, I was nervous as heck and I wrote down in a paper what I wanted to say to him when I saw him in case if I blanked out and forgot what I wanted to say. I was on a fence deciding if it was wise to tell him about my feelings if I knew he has a girlfriend. At last minute I decided that I would rather keep him as a work-only friend, than risk loosing him forever just because I couldn’t keep my feelings to myself. Unfortunately, he saw my folder 3x5 card, and grabbed it out of my hand and read it before I could protest. He asked me if what I wrote was true, if I really love him (keep in mind I never wrote the word “love”). I whispered “yes, I love you” and I was fighting back tears (from embarrassment) and apologized. He grabbed my hands, hugged me, and told me with a smile that everything is ok between us and to promise him to never apologize for my feelings.

We continued to keep in touch on Twitter. He hardly ever had a chance to reply (on his public account) to me on Twitter because of his job keeping him busy, but I knew that he reads my messages dispite his lack of replies. The last time he did reply to me was on his private account in August when I told him that I had to move to the south after my parents sold their house and take care of my sick grandma. He assured me that he would always be here for me and that he felt bad that I was going through so much since my dog passed away in April. He only talks to me on his private account when he is at his home on the west coast.

His hot and coldness confusses me since he blocked me on his public Twitter account (which is his main source of communication). But I would rather him be his friend than nothing at all.

I’m not even sure if we are still friends since he never apologized or explained why he blocked me (I’m sure it was his ex girlfriend though). But I feel like I need to give him a NC so I can regain my senses and happiness that I’ve lost since Christmas.

I hope this clarifies some questions in my confusion situation here. If not, then I’ll seek help elsewhere.

6

I’m sure he cares for you a great deal and he was empathetic when hearing about your dog and grandmother. I understand how confused and hurt you must be by his conflicting responses since the blocking situation. Going no contact for awhile is a great idea because it’s for your own well being more than anything else. I hope you can resolve the friendship matter when you contact him.
Good luck…

7

@donnabella : hey there,i too feel you should not read too much into this,use the no contact and try to move on. since hes on the wesr coast,you communicate once a month,and you dont have his number,and also the fact that he didnt ask you for yours,pretty much sums it up. I might be wrong,but this is what seems like the best option. You have so much more to look forward in your life,dont give it away on someone who would not spend that much time on you. You deserve the best there is! Goodluck :slight_smile:

8

Though I appreciate both of your opinions, I would really like to hear what Kevin has to say about my matter. I’m still heartbroken, and I just really feel depressed that both of you are giving me negative feedback. I just really want Kevin’s professional opinion on this matter since he says that he could help me get my friend back. Thank you!

9

I’m not sure if I can request Kevin’s help with this, but I would really appreciate his insight on my situation.

I mean, I don’t think my friend necessarily “broke up” with me, more like wanted to have a break, and he just went into panic mode by blocking me instead of just ignoring me (like a normal reaction).

I just want to know from Kevin’s point of view, do I have a chance to gain my man friend’s trust in the future? I’m going on 14 or 15 days now on NC.

I hope to hear from you Kevin!

10

It has already been 20 days since I started the NC. Every day is a struggle, but I push through knowing that some day I might actually talk to my guy friend again and we can continue to be friends with out things being awkward.

I really would like Kevin’s opinion though… Or any man’s opinion. Thank you!