Difficult situation. Need advice

reconciliation
1

It’s been about 45 days now since my break up. She left me because she never felt like I made her a priority. She felt that I would always put my family before her because of my insecurities of taking care of them. She didn’t mind me taking care of them, she just felt that if I needed to step up for her, I wouldn’t because I put too much weight on my own shoulders. She felt I wouldn’t be a rock for her when she needed it. Admittedly true, I did put a lot of weight on myself, but I always did my best to show her that I loved her. Regardless, she didn’t see it. She’s typically headstrong and because of her past, she has difficulty trusting beyond what is cut and dry.

But going back to the breakup, I was definitely desperate the first week of the break up. Falling into the trap of needing to show her that I loved her unquestionably. This led to her being extremely anxious. But after that first week, I went to no contact. She started dating someone else (who is almost exactly like me) two weeks after the breakup. It hurt but I continued no contact.

I had been blocked from all social media accounts except one. After 40 some days of no contact and not interacting with her posts as well, I got a notification that my account had been tagged in one of her posts (this is a shared social media account so she wasn’t directly tagging me), but regardless I saw the post along with a situation that I could help her with. She had something that got damaged that is sold by my company so I decided to just send a simple message “discount available if you need it ??“ I felt that it had been a while since we spoke, all I wanted to do was let her know that I can still help as a friend. I’m sure she took it as me trying to get her back/see her though. Ultimately leading to my last social media account being blocked.

I’m not sure what to do anymore. I know I should continue no contact and continue to work on myself, but sometimes it feels increasingly difficult. She would interact with some of my posts (just viewing them) and it would always be me showcasing that I’m happy and growing). How is she going to miss me and know how I am growing and changing if she can’t see any of that anymore? I want her back in my life to any extent…we were best friends before we even started dating. Maybe that’s why it’s taking much longer for her to get over that pain stage? Did I mess up? Did I push her further away? I know with all the fun we had and the connection we had, we’ll eventually become friends again once she learns to trust me. But since she has such a hard shell, it worries me that the smallest things I do can push her further away.

I honestly want to reach out to her again, not soon, but maybe in a week or two. I just want to say

“ Just wanted to send a text to let you know that I’ve finally come to terms with the break up. We definitely weren’t in the right place for each other. I realize now, I have to let you go for both of us to be happy. That was always the goal anyways.

I wanted to also let you know that I’m sorry about the way I acted after the break up too. I was totally trying to be John Cusack and just trying to apologize, not trying to win you back. You’re truly a dynamite gal (although too much of a worry wart at times ?) and deserve to be happy. I apologize that I hurt you by how I acted.

But! Some good news! Things are definitely looking up and I’ve been more excited than ever to move forward! A lot of good things ?

Love to fill you in…but in the future. You and I both need some space right now. But life’s too short not to have people who were best friends back in our lives. See ya sometime!”

But I don’t know if that’s too much. I know an apology and letting her know that I shouldn’t be a source of anxiety can be a start, but I don’t know if it’s still too early and will push her more away from me.

2

First of all, you’re creating too many posts since just yesterday and you’re not patient enough to wait for responses. And because there are several posts, it’s difficult for people to keep track of what you have to say. You are too anxious and need to calm down. And comparing yourself to another guy doesn’t help you or change the situation.

She blocked you on social media because apparently she doesn’t want to hear from you. But instead of showing restraint, you jumped in and offered to get her a discount on something that was damaged and then she blocked you on that site too.

You wrote:“She started dating someone else less than 2 weeks after the break up. They’re doing all the things we used to do, even going to the place we first met, and he’s staying over at her place.” How do you know he’s staying over at her place?

Yes, your message is too much and shows how desperate you are!

You wrote:“I have to let you go for both of us to be happy” It’s obvious you’re not happy and she probably knows it too.

You wrote:“I was totally trying to be John Cusack and just trying to apologize, not trying to win you back.” This is a childish statement…trying to be like a movie star. This is not a good apology and of course it’s obvious you’re trying to win her back.

You wrote:“You’re truly a dynamite gal (although too much of a worry wart at times” This isn’t a compliment! In fact pointing out what might be one of her flaws is insensitive.

You wrote:“But! Some good news! Things are definitely looking up and I’ve been more excited than ever to move forward! A lot of good things. Love to fill you in…but in the future.” This is the most pitiful thing you could say showing your desperation. It’s like dangling bait and hoping the fish will bite. As if this ploy might be tempting enough for her to be lured in to asking you what the good news is.

You wrote:“But life’s too short not to have people who were best friends back in our lives.” You have no right to tell her best friends should be back in each others life.

You wrote:“See ya sometime!” Wow, this sounds so cavalier. You don’t know if you’ll see her or not.

You mentioned taking care of your parents. That’s commendable if they really need your help and giving then your time would be understandable. But apparently in spite of this, you didn’t give your ex enough attention. You could learn a valuable lesson from all of this that could help you with any future relationships you might have.

If you send a message, make it short and to the point. Apologize for your behavior after the break up and let her know you realize you weren’t good at showing your love for her. Wish her the best of everything and end the message. Since she’s with someone else now, she might not respond, so don’t be shocked if she doesn’t. Maybe someday she would let you know she wants to give you another chance, but don’t get your hopes up too high. Live your life and go on the best you can. Talk with a therapist or your pastor if you think it would help you.

Good luck and take good care of yourself too…

3

Thank you. I definitely hit a really big panic mode. I’ve been wavering in and out of confidence and desperation. And I lose who I am. I’ve never faced anxiety before because I’ve always been good at letting go.

This time however, because we were actually bestfriends; inside jokes, inseparable, shared experiences, help through tough times and all; before we dated, it makes it that much harder to lose her.

Again, I want so badly to get her back as my girlfriend again, but I want my bestfriend back even more.

That’s where the offer for a discount came in. That wasn’t coming from a place of pleading to see her. I knew that there was a chance that I wouldn’t get a response, or more negativity would ensue if I overextended, that honestly just came from a place as a friend. But clearly, it wasn’t perceived that way. Since she had tagged that account, I presumed it might’ve been ok, especially after a month and a half.

As for not giving her time. It wasn’t so much I didn’t give her time, it was more I didn’t show her that I loved her while I had the time with her. Unfortunately, a lot of the things I did were done out of sight, and never brought them up. Like how I would, almost once a week, stay up all night holding her as she had nightmares that she wouldn’t easily wake up from due to ptsd. I never told her I did things like that. That’s what eats at me the most.

She broke up with me because I made her feel like she wasn’t worth it. Because She didn’t see what I was doing. That’s why I want to apologize to her so desperately. Again, not so much to win her back as a girlfriend, but because I hurt my bestfriend and made her believe that she wasn’t worthy even though she was. Because she didn’t see it, she didn’t believe it.

She said it was my lack of action that made her feel unloved. Even though we don’t owe each other anything, that is what I truly want to remedy.

I have no idea what I was writing with that text. Half of me does want to move on so that I can have her as my friend back. I feel like the only way to get her trust back is by showing her that I am done. But that’s so much easier said that done. We always made movie references so I thought I could be witty with it. And I got an interview for a dream job she had always been excited, and pushed for me to get. I just wanted to share that fully with her. “Sometime” and “eventually” we’re terms that we always used meaning “never…but I’ll keep my eye out.”

I have no idea what I am doing. All I know is, I did something that hurt my friend and I want to do everything in this world to make it right. Almost all of our friends our mutual friends, so we might see each other…eventually…all I hope, again, is that there can be a connection made to be friends again. After that, only time will tell.

4

@joman249 Wow, what a tender heartfelt reply. I almost feel your sorrow through the words you wrote.

You wrote:“It wasn’t so much I didn’t give her time, it was more I didn’t show her that I loved her while I had the time with her.” Maybe it was difficult for you to transition from friend to boyfriend. A boyfriend shows his love through verbal expressions of love, sweet compliments, and romantic gestures etc…

You wrote:“She broke up with me because I made her feel like she wasn’t worth it.” I don’t understand this? What did you say or do that made her feel like this?

You wrote:“She said it was my lack of action that made her feel unloved.” Lack of what action???

It’s not what you do while she’s sleeping that counts, it’s what you say and do while you’re both awake. Why does she have PTSD?

5

I realize now it was difficult for me to switch between being a bestfriend and a boyfriend. At times I would forget to switch back. Instead of being tender, loving and supportive, I would be quick and solution-driven. It’s not that I wasn’t loving, I guess when it came to her bringing her problems up, instead of listening to understand, I only listened to find an “answer.” I can see how that could make her feel disconnected.

I made her question her self worth. Because I was failing to show my love properly, it made her question if she was worth being loved. She questioned whether or not she was doing enough to gain my love. Again, going back to the disconnect. I failed to communicate why I did or didn’t do certain things. For example, she wanted me to move in, but I had to take care of my family. Instead of helping her to understand the fear I held leaving them (parents had multiple surgeries and some risks) I only explained what was happening, so she wasn’t able to empathize and support me fully as well, which took its own toll on her.

That leads to the lack of action. Though I was sacrificing much to be with her, I never made it known because I thought it burdensome. She felt as though I was only with her when it was convenient. So she believed that I never took initiative to be with her. Though, again, this isn’t the case. Many times I left my family in times of need because I knew she needed me more.

She just wanted me there to support her and not fight her battles. Sometimes I would try to fight her battles and she fight mine which ultimately drained us. I have my traumas (family issues, financial issues, personal insecurities) and she had hers, stemming from sexual assaults and gun violence. I think ultimately we tried to fix each other and just ended up hurting ourselves and put the fault on each other. That is why I want to apologize so badly.

I don’t want us resenting each other. Again, we were best friends. Because we kept trying to win each other’s battle, we were both feeling under appreciated and drained. I want to tell her that I appreciated and loved every little thing that she did. And she was completely worth it even though I never showed it to her properly. She’s hurting because she feels worthless. I just want to tell her she is worth the world.

I don’t know how to do that without pushing her away though. So much of me wants to get her back to let her feel that. I know where my mistakes were, and I know what I can work on even more. But in the rebound relationship, when can I reach out? How long until I lose my chance?

6

@joman249 Continue to look at the mistakes you made and how you intend to fix them within yourself. Maybe another week or so, send her a message. No one can say if you even have a chance or not! And you won’t know unless or until you contact her. It’s also difficult to know how emotionally involved she is with the other guy.

I’m assuming you’ll have to email her because you’ve been cut off from the social media approach. When you compose your message, refer back to my advice above for some guidelines…

Good luck.