Did I ruin things for good?

reconciliation
1

Hi there,

So this girl I dated for 2mths broke up with my on Xmas Eve over text, saying she didn’t want this as much as I did and was open to keeping in touch as friends.
I told her that I’m not interested in being friends as I didn’t wanna be a text buddy. Proceeded to text each other well wishes etc…

She’s older than I am in her early 30s while I’m im 27.

From week one, she mentioned she wasn’t interested in a relationship as she’s jaded, broken and confused… Literally every week she’d try to end things by saying we should stay friends etc… And I’d try to talk and understand so our dating period continued in this weird tango throughout.

Leading up before the break-in, she even told me that she kinda liked me a lot and was sorry for being confused.

Shes the first girl I’ve ever dated properly in 10 years, so I’m very inexperienced.

So after Xmas Eve, I texted her saying how important I believe she is and so we agreed to be friends.

Continued talking over text but she’d never reinitiate contact and it was always me reaching out first and she’d always end the conversation early.

This basically went on right up till this month.

To summarise everything I’ve done so far since the break up,

I made the mistake of getting emotional and sent a few chunky texts saying how I want to have a good communication with her, more with her etc… Only if she’s ready.

All of which was ignored.

Then I proceeded to tell her how I’m rooting for her and wish her success in finding herself again.

All of these happened on different occasions.

And 3 days after the last “well-wishers” chunky text two weeks ago, I caved and sent her an “I miss you but I know this is impt to you so I’m reaching out just to see what happens”

No reply.

In these 3 months, I’ve went on NC 2-3 times, all of which was 1 week (I felt like our dating period was too short for 30days),

During all of these NC, I’d always be watching her instastories though…

My latest NC was 1.5 weeks ago immediately after I sent the i miss you text. This time I stopped watching her instastories.

Then on the most recent Saturday, I watched a story of hers, and texted on Sunday saying “is it too soon to be in contact?”

This time, she didn’t even see the message. Single tick.

2 days later I reached out on instagram with a private message “insert photo* saw this and thought of you!”

Saw it but no response.

Haven’t talked since.

Personally, I did a lot of reflecting, my actions have come off as needy and desperate even. Even though I didn’t bombard with like tons of text everyday (whenever she doesn’t reply, I’ll wait a day or two) and I don’t feel like I’ve begged though maybe her perspective begs to differ…

I really want her back cos I do like her as a person, despite the flaws and radio silence but I’m truly okay if she doesnt see the same.

I don’t take things personally and can be quite positive which in this case works against me cos I’m not even offended by her silence as I see it as a natural response to her not wanting conflict, being annoyed or voicing out a rejection.

Also, I’m progressive by nature and have taken steps to improve my own life. Everyone tells me to let it go, move on etc… But I do believe that we could be great together and I hate to give up without giving it my all first.

Sorry for the ramble, I’m just writing as it comes.

To summarize what I’ve done,

  • reached out non stop with different texts on this site… even the elephant text,

  • tried 2-3 NCs (max 1 week)

  • tried being vulnerable and opening up my thoughts in an attempt to have a conversation,

In the span of 3 months.

So I’d honestly like to know, if I should give up for good? Did I screw things up beyond repair? And a more personal question… am I delusional? Haha I try to keep myself realistic but I could be blind to myself…

My current action plan is to:

Go on a full 30 days NC, not watching her stories etc…

Then reach out with a friendly text,

If I don’t get a reply,

I’d like to admit the mistakes I’ve done and apologize to her for them while telling her that I still believe she’s a good person and I treasure the connection we had and that I’ll leave it to her if she wants to reconnect.

Then leave it up to fate.

If I still stand a chance, could I get advice on whether my action plan is a good one?

From the articles I’ve read, i understand that such “vulnerable/ ultimatum-like” texts are counter productive, girls don’t like it, I lose the “mystery” of whether I “like her or not”…

And these articles advise to come from the angle of friends.

I’m an honest guy (or so I’d like to believe) and I feel like I won’t be genuine if I lie and say “let’s be friends” when I really wanna get her back.

But I accept that I could just be stubborn in this regard.

Please help!

Thank you

2

Forgot to mention, sometimes she blocks me on her stories and then unblocks me when I text her… Not sure if it’s an important detail or I’m over reading.

Most recently, when I broke NC and reached out via text, she uploaded a story (which I didn’t watch) then few hours later she blocked me from the story. After I reached out via Instagram 2 days later, I noticed that I was unblocked from the story.

Also, once in a few weeks her friend which I have on Instagram watches my stories (which she never does).

So despite getting ignored, she keeps me on Instagram (though she stopped following my stories about 1 month back).

I’m not sure if there’s any meaning or I’m over reading…

Thanks everyone!

3

You’re chasing her and she doesn’t respond. It seems you’ve already done all you can by texting her so many time. But if you want to try one more time after the 30 day no contact, try it. However, if she doesn’t reply in a positive manner, move on.

4

Thank you Patricia. Can I get help for a few more qns?

  • Should I continue with my action plan?

I really wanna try my best and my lack of experience prevents me from knowing the most effective way to get in touch with her.

Personally, I believe in absolute honest and straightforwardness but I understand that that’s counterproductive to this dating thing (at least according to the internet).

  • Is 30 days too long? Or should I do 20+ days or stick to more?

I’ll do the longer complete NC this time with no watching of her stories.

And get in touch after… if it doesn’t work, I’ll be okay to move on.

  • for personal clarity, I hate to say this but I’m starting to feel like she’s playing games intentional or not or it could also be my hidden insecurities playing tricks on my mind haha…

Thank you!

5

Just to add on (last one, promise)

My action plan, is to:

Hey xxxxxxx I’m in your area today, could you recommend me some good cafes?

If she replies,

I’d say “Cool, would you like to grab a quick lunch together? It’s okay if you’ve got plans”

And then just roll from there.

If she doesn’t reply,

I’ll wait 1-2 days and say,

"Hey, maybe you’re busy or not ready or keen on talking… and that’s okay.

I understand that maybe I’ve overwhelmed you with texts in the past, been clingy and I’d like to apologize for that. I know you don’t like such long texts but I really treasure the genuine connection we had and I really do believe we could be great together. I’m just continuing to be honest and real with you here.

I accept that maybe it’s just me who wants this and hey that’s really okay. I’d like to hear from you cos this silence is starting to hurt. You don’t have to if you’re not comfortable and trust that I won’t hold anything against you. I’ll leave it to you now to reconnect."

6

You only dated for 2 months. She told you she’s not ready for a relationship. She’s blocked you and unblocked you which is childish. And yet you’ve already done a lot of groveling with no positive responses from her.

Since she hasn’t been responsive to you pursuing her, you need to do no contact for at least 30 days. Your plan is convoluted. Make it simple and just ask her if she would like to meet for lunch. If she declines, it means she isn’t interested in you anymore.

7

Understood. I’ll do as you say, thank you so much for your advice Patricia it’s really relieving. Thank you!