Did I ruin everything?

My boyfriend of 14 months broke up with me about 6 weeks ago. A little background: We pretty much immediately moved in together. After 6 months he felt like he couldn’t commit, so we moved in to separate apartments in the same complex. About every 6 weeks he’ll say he can’t commit. He loves me but he isn’t in love. During this week or so period where we are apart, he will date other women. We always end up back together. 8 weeks ago he proposed to me, ring and all. 4 days later he said he couldn’t commit and broke up with me. He then immediately went on an online dating site.

For a couple of weeks I hung in there trying to bargain with him - still seeing him while he had dates. He said he just needs time. He loves being with me and still wants to. Loves having sex with me and also still wants to… he just cant commit. BTW, this guy is 51. I decided to go no contact. I made it 12 days and two days ago we ran in to each other at the mailbox and he asked if I’d like to come over. I did. He made dinner and we had a nice evening catching up. I didn’t talk about the relationship. I left, he then texted asking if I’d like to come back and have sex. I declined.

Yesterday I texted him just something stupid and he ignored me… all day (this is what he would do when he was with another woman). He finally replied that yes he is with a woman. This woman spent the night with him last night. Today I texted and told him I’m so hurt and confused. Can’t move forward. Am tortured by the fact we live in the same place and I have to see this stuff. Asked him to meet me to talk. We did. He seemed irritated. He said we are done for now. I asked him to tell me that we are done for good, so that I can move forward. He said he can’t do that.

He needs to focus on closing his new house purchase (which is in a couple weeks) and after that he’ll know what he wants better. He said that he is casually seeing this girl a bit. We left and went to our own separate places. He said he’d talk to me later this week. When I got home I had a melt down and texted him that I was sorry, but I love him. I told him that I need him tonight and that I would like to come over and stay (sex). He said he can’t tonight because this girl might come over.

He said he could tomorrow night. I said forget it. I said that I feel like he is making a big mistake and that we could have something great. My last text said please don’t do this. He didn’t respond. Doing no contact made me feel good, now I feel like I’m back to square one. Did I just mess everything up? What do I do now?

Yes, you just messed up and need to find your self respect, but don’t beat yourself up over it … You should stop begging a guy that’s interested in and having sex with other women. I know you’ve been through a lot having lived together for awhile and now living in the same apartment complex. And now he knows he has you as an option. This guy is soooo confused! First he want’s you, then he doesn’t. You might consider absolutely no contact until he figures things out for himself and you talking to him won’t help him do that. You can’t control his emotions. I know you must be feeling hurt and betrayed. He gave you a ring and 4 days later he said he can’t commit. He keeps you dangling while he is having his fun. You don’t need him to say you’re done for good because it’s obvious he’s done for now and who knows how much longer this will go on. Maybe things will eventually work out for the two of you, but at this point, it seems highly doubtful. Please have higher expectations in a man. Focus on yourself and what you need and want in a relationship. You CAN move on and for your own sake, you should.
I wish you the best and I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Thanks for the response. He is now acting jealous because I had a date with someone. Driving by my house and texting me over and over again. I finally had to tell him to leave me alone and I mean it! I pushes me away and then gets jealous! I don’t understand. I did reply to his texts today, but I do feel done. I didn’t go to him as he asked and I just need to take a long break. It is a crazy roller coaster and I have to get off!

I’m so glad you decided to get off that insane roller coaster! Who cares if he acts jealous. He obviously doesn’t have any control over his emotions. You don’t need to understand why he does what he does. The main thing is he hurt you too many times and from the sound of it, there would never be a normal happy relationship with him (friend or romantic). I’m also glad you told him to leave you alone. Seems you need more than a long break, a permanent break would probably be much better!
I wish you the best and stay strong…