Devastated and don't know what to do

Breakup Help reconciliation
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141

Just found out from my oldest step son that the other night when the ex was supposed to be at his mom’s? Well instead they went to Amanda’s house. And spent the fucking night.

I asked my ex why he lied and he said “Well I didn’t really lie that much…” he said that he went over to her house to set the record straight and to let her know that they’re broken up and that it got too late so instead of drive thirty minutes home to me, he just spent the night there. oh and that he “wanted to get away” from the “drama” i was causing.

I’m fucking pissed. I want every bit of her out of my fucking life. every thought. I never want to see anything related to her or hear anything related to her. I refuse to fucking do this anymore. It’s either she’s out of his fucking life or I am. And it’s looking more and more like it’ll be me out of his life.

I left the house to take a breather before I started saying mean things about her. Ex texts me threatening me pretty much saying how he’s going to go to his mom’s house if I’m going to just leave and that he “doesn’t want to feel this way”. Like neither do I? I just want to be told the fucking truth. If you didn’t go to your mom’s house then don’t fucking pretend like you fucking did. How about you be a goddamn man for once and just tell the fucking truth?

I’m fucking sick of this. I’m over it. I’m fucking done with it.

142

Yesterday I worked from 4:30-9:30 at night… Ex texts me at almost 8 saying he’s going to go to his mom’s house with the kids since he has to work the next day and nobody to watch them. Well I texted him not even 8 minutes later asking him to call me and that he doesn’t need to do that. He doesn’t answer. So I start calling. I called him probably ten times in the span of two hours because I desperately did not want him to leave with the boys again.

I had a sick feeling about all of it and so when I got off of work I just headed straight to his mom’s house. I called him around 10 and he didn’t answer the first three calls. Just kept sending me to VM. So he answers my fourth and he’s in the car. I asked what was going on and if he was even at his mom’s. He said that “we’re all fine” and that they were on their way back from dinner with his mother. Bullshit. It’s bullshit.

I text Amanda trying to get the truth and they just came from being with her! And that her and my ex are still together. Ex wouldn’t answer any more calls or texts because of the “drama”. So I just kept heading to his mom’s house. Got there at midnight and asked him to come outside.

He was pissed I was there. He said that I don’t listen or respect his wishes when he says he doesn’t want to talk to me. That he doesn’t know how to get that through my head and that he doesn’t want to be around me anymore. He comes outside and his mom follows. She was on the porch and saying shit about me needing to get off her property and all that bullshit nonsense that has no reasoning behind it…

So ex comes out to me after getting his mom to back off. He ended up saying that I’ll never change and I bring drama and I explained that the only drama happening is because he won’t cut her off. That if he was 100% done with her that none of this would be an issue or be occurring. And he said that fine he’ll cut both of us out his lives. And I made a comment about how he’ll never leave her and he said “fine, I’ll cut YOU out of my life.” Not much else was said. It’s like talking to a wall when he’s in that mood. He kept reiterating that he doesn’t need to be worried about me or relationships. Just getting into his new house.

I left and he had a talk with his mom. An hour later he texts me and says that the talk with his mom was a disappointment and that the things he heard were disappointing. I have no idea how to take that but I didn’t want to ask for an explanation.

This morning he texts me if I want him to grab some food for us on his way home (to get dressed for work). His car broke down at the place so I had to come get him and bring him home. He seemed very cheerful and in a great mood. Before he left for work I just kinda sat down and he came over to me asking for a hug. Hugged me and kissed me on the forehead. I went and met him at a smoothie place on his break and again we just laughed and talked and it felt good. Like how I wish we could always be.

I have no idea what to do. He just keeps going back to her and I mentally cannot handle it anymore. I want nothing more than for him to come back completely. I know how great it could be. How effortless it could be. But it just cannot be that way when he’s still with her. I’ve tried but I can’t just ignore that she’s there or that he’s ditching me to be with her or whatever else. I feel so heartbroken. I just want my best friend back. I want my kids back. I want our life back. I want to start organizing and planning for our future. I want to start having conversations about plans and goals. I just want the stability that we never could have with the court case and his ex-wife causing legal drama about where he was living. Now, we wouldn’t have anything to worry about… I’ve been with him through the worst times of his life and now I’d like to be with him in the best.

143

I was at work the other day and ex texted me this:

“Hey I want you to know that I appreciate you and I’m glad to have you. I’m sorry of all the crap going on right now. I’m not very happy with myself or the situation. I hope to be a better man whatever that means. I hope we can find some peace and help each other out. We have been through a lot together and you know I want the best for you. You are an amazing girl. I hope you feel the same about yourself.”

Not sure how to take it. The past couple of days I’ve just been ignoring all my thoughts about “her”. I’ve come to a place where I know he’s going to see her and text her so there’s no reason I need to bitch about it and cause fights about it. I feel like I’m distancing myself emotionally from my ex and it worries me. I also know that the next time he leaves me to be with her, I’m done. Like I will pack my things and just leave his life.
He’s closing on the house in ten days. I took pictures of it this morning for his insurance company. We gave the kids back this morning and ex asked to get them early tomorrow and he asked me if all four of us could go out and do something fun.

So I guess I’ll know soon enough where his heart is and what he decides. I’ve stopped trying to plan for a future with him because it’ll be devastating if it’s all for nothing. Not sure what else to say at the moment. I’m stuck in a constant cycle in my head these days and no idea how to stop it.

I also have zero family now as I got into an argument with my father and he told me to never come back… so I might be homeless in about two weeks when our landlord finds new tenants and my ex moves. I’ll keep updating.

144

I’m just going to keep using this as a log I suppose. So that I can look back on it and not forget the little details.

Ex woke up before me this morning and I decided to sleep in while he showered and ate breakfast. I got up after a while and sat at the kitchen table and I told him I loved him but he didn’t respond. He hasn’t been very affectionate lately… So I got up after a few minutes to go back to bed. He asked me to come over to him and he pulled me on his lap and held me for a bit. It was nice.

I went back to bed and he got dressed to go meet with his probation officer. Before leaving he came into the room and he held me into his chest and told me that he has reservations about me coming to the new house with him. I told him that I didn’t think I was coming with him and I was sorry he felt I was being pushy. He said that he feels like he has no control over it and that he wants to be the one to make the decision if I come with him or not and not just me pushing my way in there. I felt so terrible about making him feel that way and I started crying. He said that he doesn’t know why he’s still so hesitant to make a decision and that until he feels comfortable doing that, he doesn’t want me there. He said he feels like he has no control over things and so when he sees something that he can have control over, he doesn’t want to let go of it.

I don’t know what to do.

145

What you need to do is make plans where will you go since he is now saying this to you. Come on Liz think about it you give him everything when he wants it and what does he give you? Nothing. Not honesty , not respect and not even love unless he feels like it. He does not want you to move in because he plans to continue his life as it is with her in too as long as he can because he is in no hurry to make a decision and you let him to this to you. You need to let him go for now and start making you and your well being priority number one and start looking into where you are going to go. You just keep waiting in the hopes that he says you can move in but what if he doesnt where will you go? He does not even care where you will go has he asked where you will live ? is he helping you ? I bet not. To him it is all about him and you need to wake up and start looking after yourself. This is not healthy relationship nor healthy situation and you seem to stop caring about yourself compeletely and I am really worried about you. Please look after yourself.

146

I already have a plan of what I’ll do. I was going to live in my car for a bit and start looking for a second job. I can’t live on my own right now because I only make about 700 a month and with my expenses that isn’t enough at all. I don’t have any family I can stay with. I’m not worried or upset about this. I see it as maybe an opportunity to really get to know myself. So I’ll be homeless for a few weeks. It’s not his responsibility to care about that. He has enough in his life that I don’t want to be a burden on him.

This morning was nice. I think at the end of next week I’ll ask to sit down and talk with him and figure out how we can move forward. How we can establish our openness and communication. He said the other morning he hopes we can start talking to each other again with full honesty like we used to. So maybe if I can establish that communication, we can make it work. Right now I’m just trying to help him as best as I can. He has so much on his plate and I just want to help him through all of it. And when things settle down, maybe he’ll have a clearer head.

I don’t know if I sound pathetic with all of this. But I really don’t have many options at this point.

147

Well we all have different opinions of what you should do but at the end of the day it is your life not mine and you are not me so you do what you do and you need to walk this path as you choose. I wish you all the best with what ever you choose to do.

148

Well…

He did it. I got off of work at 10 pm to find him standing in my parking lot at work. He seemed happy to see me. God knows I was so thankful to see him. We talked for a bit and then went home. We took his bike to go to dinner and then we came home. I sat with him in the computer room for a bit and then said I was going to bed. I was lying in bed for about 10 minutes before he just walked out the front door. Of course I was confused. So I put some clothes on and went outside to see what was going on (it’s midnight). And he’s standing at the foot of the driveway texting someone. He started yelling and cussing at me. Telling me to get the fuck out of his life and all I do is smother him. He got his bike keys and took off. So he’s been gone for over half an hour at this point. As I said before, if he left me again to go be with her, I’d be done.

My heart is breaking. I don’t like this. But I have to. I can’t keep seeing him if he’s going to do this. It’s common for cheaters to cause arguments late at night so they have an excuse to run off and I deeply believe this is what he just did. I’m going to ask to have a conversation with him first but I’m leaving. No idea where I’ll go considering I don’t have a home. But I’ll figure it out.

Thank you to everyone who listened to this train wreck and tried to help out. Even if it seemed like I wasn’t listening, I was.

149

Hi Liz,
I have not been on this site for very long time but i was following your posts through the email notifications i have been receiving… And i felt like i need to give you my support even though its not more than just words …
I think you should have left the house and probably him from the moment u found out he is sleeping with this other girl…and he should have been on this site trying to find ways of winning you back. But i guess u were not ready to do that… He has been cheating on you, in front of you in an open way… And it makes me sooooooo angry to read that he has been cursing you, treating u badly and making u feel like you are a burden to him… How dare he talk to you like that? Is he for real? He knows deep inside how wrong he is and he knows u are a nice girl. He admitted this anyway… He is just playing the guilt trip on you to make you feel like as if you are doing something wrong … But you are not. All you have to do is to walk away and keep your head high. Please dont think about what will happen with him. Dont be afraid if he will stay with this other girl or not. Coz even if he does, he will just lose a nice girl like you to a girl who has been cheating on HIM… Take things day by day. Just make daily plans.
In my opinion, its not a good idea at all to live in your car … You shouldnt be alone … Can you not try to fix things with ur family and stay with them for a while ? All parents are forgiving and i am sure they would prefer you stay in their home instead of your car … Please give it a thought before u disregard this idea…
If things dont work out with ur family, cant u stay with a close friend for a while ?
At least i am glad you have decided to leave the house… This is also a big step. Please stay strong. You may feel like its the end of the world right now, but trust me its not. And u can have a life without him at least for a while … U should give urself sometime alone from him to stand up again…
Please think & take care of yourself FIRST. Dont make him ur priority anymore. You say he has so much thing going on in his life and u dont want to be burden on him… But how about u? U also have so much thing going on and he has no right to torture you like this. He can be confused with his feelings but this doesnt give him the right to be and a… You are giving soooo much credit to him and sooo less to yourself…
Please update us with your news…

150

So a lot happened… I couldn’t just sit here anymore. I drove down to Amanda’s house around 2 am and I see his bike there and her car there. I totally flipped. Calling both of them and texting both of them. Neither one was answering and I knew I’d do something stupid and I did. Knocked on the door and her roommate let me in and told me what room she sleeps in. So I went upstairs and just opened the door. They’re laying on the ground together and she’s sleeping but he isn’t.

I flipped. I know that was an insane move and I look like a crazy person but fuck if I’m going to sit by and let this shit keep happening. So she wakes up and starts yelling for me to get out of her house and all this shit and I told her I would as long as my ex comes and talks to me. I asked her what the fuck is going on and she goes “I’m spending time with MY boyfriend!” So I snapped back to my ex saying “So when you were fucking me this morning, is this what you had planned? To come over here to her?” and I made a comment about how he kept saying they were broken up and kept reiterating that she’s an ex girlfriend. Ex came outside with me and we attempted to go on a walk and talk to each other but he got incredibly angry and shoved me to the ground. He started walking back to his bike and I started walking after him begging him to talk. Things kept getting heated and other things happened. I was screaming crying in pain and he had to take off before neighbors or something came out.

Amanda came out at the tail end of it and “swears she didn’t see anything!” and I tried talking to her but ex made me leave. So I met ex at a grocery center down the road. Amanda called me and we were talking about a lot of shit. I told her that I’m sorry that I barged into her house but she has to understand the shitty side I’m seeing. She said that the reason he came over is because she was going to kill herself and she texted him “goodbye. I hope your life is wonderful without me” and so he came over so she wouldn’t off herself. She said that her home was the only safe place she had and I violated it and that next time she’ll make a citizen’s arrest (LOL) and whatever. Ex was angry with me.

We came home and I finally fell asleep around 5 and he did cuddle up with me and I woke up at 7 to go to work. While I was at work I texted him some things about how I love him and I’m sorry and whatever.

He sends back a LONG text about how I’m out of control and he can’t control me and that I’M controlling HIM. He said that until I make a change (going on a fuck ton of prescription meds) that he doesn’t want to be with me. That there’s something wrong with me. Just really kept on going. He said he hates where we are right now.

I told him I’d talk to him in the morning. So before my ex’s shift ended I went to the store and came back home and he was there. Attempted small talk but it didn’t go anywhere. So I got in my car and left. He texted asking where I was going and said he wasn’t leaving the house for a while.

This is the part that makes me upset. He asks where I’m going… If I don’t give him a straight answer, he will flip out. I mean he will go on about how he’ll never take me back and he hates me and I’m a stupid bitch and all kinds of shit. But that’s the only question I asked him last night and he freaked ut then saying it’s none of my business and I’m smothering him. So how can he say I have control over him when this is what he does? When I can’t say the things he can or do the things he can for fear of him hurting me and leaving me? That doesn’t sound like I have any control over anything. I don’t even want control. I just want to know what the fuck is going on. I don’t think this is fair or right. Why couldn’t he just tell me last night that she was having a crisis and he needed to tend to her? I would’ve been fairly upset but I wouldn’t have dared driving down there or doing anything I did.

I’m just so fed up with this. I’m fed up with my life. I can’t handle any of this. I don’t want to. I’d rather just lay on the ground and wither away because that sounds like a better fucking plan.

So the ex left tonight to “feel like he can”. Which means he’s going to Amanda’s house. Before he did he came over and hugged me and kissed me on the back of my neck. He was laughing that I bought cookies at the store. And then he walked to the other room and I got on my phone and was rereading his text from earlier. He came over and I turned the phone off to give him one last hug and he seemed incredibly angry. No doubt he probably thinks I was texting someone or cheating on him.

I’ve never been in more emotional or physical pain and I don’t know how to get through this. I don’t have any friends. Zero. I don’t have any family either. Making up with them would work for a few hours and then it’d be right back to where it was. It’s happened close to 5-6 times this summer. I’m completely alone.

151

So there is no one and I dont mean in the place you live now but are you saying there is no person in any other place where you lived or relative who could offer you a place to stay until you find a new job and then place to live? Please re-think anyone you have ever know even if you have not been in touch lately it does not mean you cannot reach out. And maybe getting out of that city/town would do you good? Or if not try to work it out with your parents at least for couple of months so you can get yourself the additional job to get a place to live or even if you rent a room but honestly you need to get away from that guy like Jasminka said you have given everything and all he does is hurt you. He is the control freak and he is controlling you by giving ultimatums and threats and that is not okay. Or see if there is someone who is looking for live in help an older person so you can get a roof over your head or something.

152

So Saturday night ex slept somewhere else. I woke up at 7:30 expecting him to be home but he wasn’t. i texted him asking if he’d come home. Then I called. He replied back that he saw no reason to come home and so he won’t be. Something completely snapped in my mind and I started getting overly emotional really quick. I knew my thoughts were headed towards a bad direction and I told him that and asked for a small phone call so that I wouldn’t get to that point. He said no because I’d only make him feel worse and that he’s too busy for me at the moment.

I went home and started writing him a letter and things were going to follow. I left him a voicemail telling him I love him and I hope he has a good day. Ex texted and called about 30 minutes later and I didn’t answer because there was no point. Right at the end of the letter he comes bursting through the front door.

We talked for a good while. He said that if I wasn’t around that he’d wake up feeling sick to his stomach every morning. That he’d never want to get close to another person. He said he wants me in his life. He started getting pretty angry for a bit there and I can’t remember why. He was about to leave and I begged him to stay. We ended up sitting at the kitchen table and having a small conversation about us. He asked where I’d like to see us and I told him that I’d lie to see us together with a set of rules/boundaries and follow them. And I asked him if there’s any part of him that wants to make this work with me. He said that yes a whole bunch of him does. After a while he said he was going to take a breather for a few hours.

So I told him to go. As soon as he left I got in my car to go out. I get to the end of the neighborhood and Amanda is pulling out in front of me… As soon as she saw me she put her hand to her mouth and I just instinctively flicked her off. I texted her asking what the fuck she was doing there. So I called ex and asked what the fuck was going on. He said he had no idea she was there and that she probably came to check on me. I was getting emotional again and ex asked if I wanted to go do something with him today and i said yes. He told me to go home.

So I do. And ten minutes goes by and he’s still not home. So I go out again and on the way back I see her leaving our neighborhood again and him saying he’s almost home. So I asked why she was in our neighborhood and he claims she was giving him something (probably his backpack that he left at her house). And so we went up north to our special spot I mentioned a few weeks back. It was nice until he took me on this little hike. It was crazy and scary getting down there but as soon as we got down there it was the most beautiful waterfall I’ve ever seen. But I recognized it from a picture Amanda took… And so I started crying and freaking out about how he could take two girls to the same place and whatever. We ended up laying down on top of some rocks way up in the air for a while and then we came home.

I know a lot of these details are meaningless and pointless. But I don’t know what to do. I am so conflicted. I wouldn’t think to try and make this work if part of my ex didn’t want to as well. It’d be amazing if we could be together again I just don’t know how to set up that conversation and how to get him on the same page. This feels so impossible.

153

Hi Liz,
It seems to be he is still confused and he is handling the whole situation really badly. I believe at this point you just need to clarify to him what you want from him and tell him the conditions that you agree to be with him.
I would stop telling him how much you love him because he already knows that. You told him so many times. I think you should write to him something along these lines ‘I would like to be with you but this whole situation is confusing and emotionally very tiring. I do not wish things to continue the way it is…
I would like to be with you 100%; however, i need to know that you also want to be with me 100% and not any less. If this is the case, i hope you show me this by actions as well as by words…I will be moving from the house to give you some space and time as well as to myself…Please contact me only when you have cleared your mind and you know what you want’…
Liz, i know you may not write what i wrote to you. this was just to give you an idea. But i strongly believe you need to send him a message summarising how you feel and what you want. And then you really really need to find a way to get out of the house at least for sometime…You need to think and he has to think as well…I am not telling you to cut him off from your life forever. Just give it sometime…
The other option is to continue as it is but i can see that this is not bringing your relationship anywhere…

154

I agree completely. I just need to flat out tell him what I want/expect/need and if he can’t provide that for me then we don’t need to keep doing what we’re doing.

Last night at work, my pharmacist and lead tech were talking to me about this situation. My pharmacist told me that he sounds like her ex husband and that it will never get better. She said if it’s been this way for 3+ months then he’ll more than likely never make a decision or never be able to commit to me. It hurt to hear all of that. But maybe she’s right…

The other night at Amanda’s house, when she called me, I told her I was sorry but that I’m so confused because I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know if I’m with my ex or not. And she asked if I was moving into the new house with him. I told her that no Iwasn’t and that ex and I would need to talk and see how things go before that happens. And she said “Well that tells you everything you need to know right there.” And I wonder if she’s right…

I don’t want them to be right. I want a chance to make this work with my best friend.

155

Hi Liz, i think you should not pay attention how other people’s ex behaved. Every person is different and we dont know their real story.
And if i were u i would stop apologising to Amanda and stop talking to her as well. She is just getting insight information from you. She is not looking for the best interest of you… She is not your friend…
You are over thinking about a lot of things. And you are expecting that everything will go back to how it as before quickly. But these things take time. What Finntoga and i have been trying to tell you is that you need sometime apart to figure out what you want. Because at the moment you are frustrated (naturally), he is angry and its a chain reaction that repeats all the time.
I dont know how long you both need… May be 2 weeks, may be a month… Dont know. But i really think at this point, its best for you if you put ur foot down and tell him this is what i want,and be with me only if u want the same…
If you keep giving him the message that you will be ok with however he treats you, he will continue to do it… I am not saying you should play games or anything. I just wish you to realise you need to stand up for urself. Dont let him disrespect you. Dont take this shit anymore. Move away from him for sometime. See how it goes and then decide.
Trust me, if he really loves u, he will not move on with Amanda. He will think and realise what he really wants …
I have been there … I know how bad you feel. how low you might feel time to time. Please remind yourself that you are not desperate. You are a young beautifoul person with a lot of strength…

156

So a lot of drama happened this morning…

Last night, we got the kids for a few hours and then we played our online game until around 11 pm. We went to bed and ex woke me up this morning. It was really nice waking up with him. He asked if I wanted to go get breakfast with him and he was just playing around with me. It was good… So we got dressed and we tried out this new little hole in the wall place we’ve never been. While we were there, he had to take a conference call so we just sat there together enjoying each other. And then halfway through the call, Amanda calls him.

This immediately sent all kinds of things through my head. I was thinking about how I can’t do this relationship anymore if she’s here. I was imagining how difficult this is going to be. It was just bad. I started getting so much anxiety and ex noticed something was up but he figured I was just cold. He kept holding me and trying to warm me up and eventually we just left.

Well, we turn into our neighborhood and ex looks to the left so I do too. Amanda is sitting in her car in our neighborhood… I didn’t want to say anything in case it wasn’t her so when ex got in the shower, I drove by. Yep. It was her. I was so pissed. So I came back home and asked my ex what she was doing there. He said he had no idea… So I asked if she explained why she called and he unlocked his phone and I saw that there were a ton of text messages that she sent him but it didn’t look like he had replied since early yesterday. He said that her texts were saying she was in the area picking up mail and paying a speeding ticket.

So then I asked ex why he’s doing this. Why he’s letting her believe they’re together if they’re not. And he got all defensive saying “So I can’t hang out with people unless we’re dating?” and just twisting everything up instead of listening. I then told him that I don’t want to continue to be in his life as long as she’s in it as well. He seemed like he agreed and then I said I wanted her out of my life completely. He said “I think you and I want the same thing. I just don’t know how to make it happen.” and he said that he thinks that we agree on a lot of things but he feels he can’t trust me and that he doesn’t want to keep fighting with me.

He tried walking out the door and I asked him to please stop and talk to me and he started going on about how I’m so controlling and not letting him leave. It’s frustrating for me because I want to talk. That’s it. I’m not forcing you to stay. You really wanna go? Then walk out the door. But I feel it’d be better for us if you stayed a few minutes longer and talked…

Well Amanda texted me telling me to go fuck myself… She said she wants to talk to my ex. I told her that he left a few minutes ago and whatever. She then said that she was on the suicide hotline and they’re sending someone to her house. I guess she’s feeling really suicidal again and she said that last night my ex told her to call if it got worse and she said that she was texting him begging him to come to her and he didn’t reply so naturally she thinks that’s because of me… I told her that no, I didn’t see him on his phone at all and it is not my fault if he didn’t go to her.

I feel like that a lot. I’ve attempted two serious times in my life. And with everything going on right now I feel myself slipping into that more and more. I feel like with her feeling the same way and putting it all on my ex, that I can’t bring it up to him. That I can’t put this on him as well. I’d rather deal with it alone. There’s only a few days left til I’m on my own and it’s terrifying to think about. My father told me I could stay at their house if I absolutely have nowhere else to go. But I’ve tried it numerous times and it won’t work. It’s not good for my mental health to be around my father or my brother or even in that house.

I don’t have a good update for you guys.

157

I am the type of person that tells it like it is and gives it to people straight. What I am going to tell you is not meant to hurt you or make you loose hope but it is an honest assessment of the situation after reading your story…

He is playing you, he is playing you both and will continue to do so as long as you guys let him. I know this because in my college days when I lost myself I did it to two girls and it did not stop until they put a stop to it. I know you love and care about him but what you are doing now is not working, being around him, spending time with him and having sex with him. He is the on that is controlling, he can date someone else but if you do then you guys are over. Anyone that truly loved you would never say that to you. Maybe he is at a bad time in his life or mixed up but as long as he is getting what he wants from both of you then he will never settle he will probably find someone else that isn’t either of you because he doesn’t have any respect for both of you and if someone doesn’t have respect for you then they will never commit to you.

You need to ask yourself do you want to keep doing what you are doing and feel like you are now for months and possibly years or do you want to cut contact with him and make him see what he has lost and have a possibility of reuniting? You can either feel the way you are now for a long time or change your actions and start to heal and get better.

158

I agree with rider01…the longer you dont take any actions, the more you will face situations as you are experiencing now.
Before i say this, i want you to know that i dont think there is anything wrong with you. I just think you are very confused and you are going through some difficult times in your life which happens to all of us… But i also agree that if you stay with someone who is cheating on you (in front of you) and you are still acting like you dont want to lose him, afraid of him leaving you, you would do anything to keep him around etc…you are giving the impression that you are disrespecting yourself and you dont love yourself… And this is repulsive to anyone… How can someone respect you when you dont show respect to yourself. We all have our tolerence limits but he has crossed the line of tolerence so many times.
Nevertheless, you did very well by telling him you wont be in his life if she is still there … In my opinion, since you said that, make the next step, leave the house and tell him you will be back only when he has sorted things out in his life and when he is ready to commit to you 100%…
Trust me this will not push him away. It will make him understand he needs to do something! (Make a decision and stick to it).
also isnt better if you leave the house before he kicks you out ?
Please come to think about it. He has been cheating on you and he says he can not trust you ??? Seriously? He should be the one afraid of losing you since he is the one who is still in touch with Amanda.
The more you question him about Amanda, the more frustrated he will be because he is stuck and he knows he has handled the situation badly. Your questions will lead no where …
Please consider moving to your fathers house to take a breath from all this and if he really wants to be with you, it will give him time to sort himself out.
And please remember he needs to earn your trust and love !!! Pls dont change roles with him.

159

Well the only reason I haven’t left is because we only have three more days in this house. So I kinda figured, come Sunday afternoon, we’ll already be living apart. I’d like to savor my last few minutes with him in our home. My mother brought up an idea of me just sleeping at their house. To come really late and then leave early in the morning. She said that my father is trying to have control over me like he used to and he’s going about it in the only way he knows how which is to scream at me and abuse me like he did when I was a child. This is why I cannot live at their house.

On the way to my parent’s house, my ex and I had a miscommunication and I ended up trying to call him twice. Both times he rejected it. so I told him I was done. That I’m not doing this anymore and he replied back explaining what was going on and how I’m misinterpreting the situation. He then said that I should go ahead and be done with it. That it’s not like he has control over me and I don’t even have control over myself. He then called me twice. Left a voicemail in which he sounded pretty sad saying he loves me and he wishes I’d pick up the phone.

I went and had lunch with him and it seemed pretty good. I just want to put all of this behind us. I want to move forward with him. I realize we can’t do that while he still has me and Amanda both. Maybe with the separation coming up, he’ll miss me and realize it’s worth fighting for. Or maybe he won’t. But it’ll be his decision and his decision alone to make.

160

He closed on the house this morning… Which means just one more day and everything is done.

I came home from work and him and the boys are here at our rental house. I’m filled with a lot of anxiety and fear and sadness about all of this. I asked ex how we can move forward. He said that he would need to be able to trust himself around me/us to not fight with each other. I did a lot of crying tonight. Just asking him not to abandon me. He asked me what he can do to make it seem like he isn’t abandoning me. I told him to take me with him.

I just don’t understand. I don’t understand how he can spend nights away from me and not miss me terribly. How it doesn’t tear at his heart. How the thought of moving into a house alone is better than moving into it with me. I’m just very hurt.

An old friend of mine offered to put me up for as long as I need. I can’t take the offer because my ex hates this person and I’d lose my ex for good if I did. I’d rather live in my car. I feel very hopeless and very scared about my future. Ex wants me to meet him at the house early tomorrow morning (him and the boys are sleeping at the new house tonight) and bring a bunch of stuff over. I did ask him if I could store my things there since obviously I can’t live out of my car if it’s filled to the top with my belongings. He said I could.

He also mentioned me renting a place like Amanda does… Saying how cheap her rent is. It hurt. Like he’s okay with the idea of me signing a 12 month lease somewhere. Like it’s okay that I wouldn’t be seeing him anymore.

I’m worried at the end of all of this, I’ll want no part of him.