Devastated and don't know what to do

Breakup Help reconciliation
,
121

Oh God Liz, he’s playing you. It sounds like he totally unravels the second he hears that another man has your attention.

And a couple of days later I was texting Mark and my ex pretty much said if I don’t stop talking to/seeing Mark, that I’d lose him. So I left Mark to have a chance with my ex. That’s an ultimatum he gave and it’s so ridiculous it makes me want to scream. I despise ultimatums but you should have told him the same thing in this case. If he doesn’t stop dating new girl, you are done with him…Hes doing everything he can so he can take advantage of the two of you.

He has power over you when he ignores your texts. He knows that he has you right where he wants you-in an extremely cruel emotional place. If the two of you were meant to be, he won’t give up on you. You don’t need to be afraid that you will miss the opportunity to be with him if you stand up for yourself and what you want. Once you truly show him that you aren’t going to tolerate him dating another woman, he will change his ways if he doesn’t want to lose you. Liz, Stop giving him some of the best parts of you and it will help to open his eyes.

122

I know :confused: Thank you. I really needed a reality check. I thought he was going to be two hours away with his girlfriend last night but instead he was with her in our city… He came home late and I was upset because he chose to spend 4+ hours with her instead of me and I didn’t understand why he would choose her and not me. It started a bit of an argument and he said some nasty things to me and I started crying and said “Why couldn’t you just come back” and he grabbed me in a hug really tight and was telling me he loves me and all this other stuff.

Today has been good with him. We looked at a house together this morning and he was talking about the things WE could do to it and how OUR furniture would look in it. It gave me hope. Like maybe in a month we’ll move into a new house together. I know I shouldn’t but I keep getting my own hopes up just to be devastated.

I think I’ll probably reach that point pretty soon where I tell him that I refuse to date him while he’s dating someone else. Because honestly, that’s what’s happening. I just can’t take much more of it. I love him dearly and would give anything in the world for him. But I can’t be his plan B forever.

123

I do have to say I agree with Dragingirl because him giving you an ultimatum about something he has himself been doing months is so selfish.You deserve so much more in a reltionship but I also know that until you are and have reached that point nothing will not happen but I do think you should giving him the relationship benefits driving him around, sleeping with hi. You also mentioned that you dont have anyone to talk to. Have you thought about seeing a therapist someone who cam help you find the answers you need in relation to this relationship because you sound really caring , loving loyal person and this guy is at the moment abusing that part of you which is so wrong toward you.

I mean he gives on the one hand like talking about baby or looking at a house which indicates to you a future but then wont act on it. Next day he is with her and that to me sounds sick arrangement from him. I truly feel for you, this must so painful and stressful situation with having your hopes raised and then dashed next day but as I said before only you can break this cycle and make him choose even if it is not you but only when you are ready to do that and none of us here we can only give our opinion but this is your life. I do wish that you would see how great you are and would appreciate yourself more and realize how lucky he has been to have you not the other way around. Sending you virtual hug, stay strong.

124

Ex and I got into it this morning… It was about nothing really. He just said he was tired of me sitting around waiting for things to happen in my life (mainly him) and he’s also sick of me going out and spending time with people when I can’t be with him… I was really upset and had to leave for work. He texts me while I’m at work asking to see when I get off. I assumed so that we’d spend time together. I’ve been off of work for an hour and a half and he’s out with her… Probably has been for the past six hours so why the fuck can’t he come home to spend time with me?

I feel over the top upset right now and I don’t know why. I just think something bad is going to come of all of this. I’m so angry.

Last night he got home from work at 9 pm and we spent two hours eating dinner and talking and she was texting and calling non stop the whole fucking time because she “had a bad day” (she says this every fucking day) and she was pissed that he was choosing to be with me and not her and saying that he’s not trying to help her. I don’t know what that drama was about. But I’m just lost right now. I don’t want to call and text him and piss him off but what the fuck is this?

125

He is playing with you both and simple as he does not seem to care either of you really but himself. Do you think honestly think he will stop this when there is nothing that makes him stop? He is having his cake and eating it alone and you two ladies are being hurt. You should not dislike the other girl because she is in same boat as you are. He is doing this to both of you and the person you both should dislike is him not each other. I know you are hurting but if you want to have resolution you need to tell him he can no longer have you if he is with her. You know that there are men who would love to be with you but you wait for this guy why? I know you are hurting and I know it is hard but at the end of the day you really should care about you the most and you still put him first and he is not doing that to either of you. Please just take care of you, you are great person and deserve so much more. By the way Dragongirl told me to tell you that if you want to email with her please just ask Kevin to provide her email address , she would like to help you if she can and be there to listen and talk with. She was blocked thanks to some people on this site so she could not say that to you herself.

126

So a bit happened… I called my ex shortly after my post yesterday and he didn’t reply. I was about to hit him with the whole “we’re done with this until you make up your mind” thing, when he called. He said he just got done having lunch with his girlfriend and he asked if I’d meet him over there. So I figure he’s leaving me again. I show up and I asked him what was going on and he told his girlfriend he needs some space and all of that and he then asked me if I wanted to drive a state over tonight with him and we could spend the night in our favorite place and whatever. So I was ecstatic! Well his girlfriend drove by our house while we were outside in our motorcycle gear and she flipped. She got her bunny which was being stored here and she cried to him for a few minutes before leaving.

It ended up raining too much so we didn’t go the state over but instead stayed at our house. Wasn’t too crazy of a night. We played this online game for hours and hours together and had a pretty normal morning. She texted him seven times last night and her best friend texted him twice and I think he’s been texting her a little bit today. So I have no idea where he’s at or where they’re at but I think this is a good sign? I feel more nervous than ever :confused:

127

For your sake I hope so but he has not ended with her so to me until he does that is temporary thing and I would not get my hopes up too soon. He has done this type of thing before so please proceed carefully.

128

Well… I’m not sure what to do anymore… Or if there even is anything I could possibly do.

So on Monday we went a state above us to this city we loved to camp in. We found this amazing place to hike (we’re all for outdoorsy stuff). We climbed on top of the damn huge waterfall and you could see for miles out to the mountains. It was just gorgeous. I made comments about how it’d be an amazing place to elope. I said I loved being up there with him. God I felt it was such a special place for us. Our new place. Our own fucking place that would be fucking special.

We got drunk that night and I started crying asking him why he won’t come back. Why he doesn’t want me. He grabbed me as hard as he could and said he is and that he loves me and he wants to be with me forever. We had a wonderful night.

Tuesday night he makes a comment that he wants to get out of town. He feels suffocated by me. He feels smothered.

Wednesday morning he leaves at 5 in the morning. He doesn’t answer any texts or calls all day. I realized he was with her. I looked at his bank statements and he was in that city that we were just in on Monday. So it’s now 8 pm and I decide to drive up there to find him. I get an hour into the drive and see him pass me on his motorcycle coming the other direction with her on the back. So I low-key follow them and he pulls into this waffle house. So I figure he’s coming home soon. I get home at 1o pm (he’s been gone ALL damn day at this point). He doesn’t come home. At 11 I get in my car and drive up to that waffle house. Well she’s laying on the back of her car and he’s in between her legs with his arms resting on her stomach and his head in her lap.

I kinda freaked. I got out of my car and walked right up to him and asked to talk. I started stuttering and saying random shit. I said “I thought you left her” and he said “I’m in the middle of talking about that actually”. He said he’d love to talk to me later that night and that he’ll be home soon. So I leave.

He comes home and I tell him about the nightmare day I had. We play our online game for a little and then we go to bed. I get on Facebook to see that he took her to that waterfall that I thought was special. He even took pictures of her laying up there. When I had to practically beg him to take fucking pictures for us up there. But he willingly took fucking pictures of that stupid bitch. I asked him straight out if he left her or not.

He said that what he told her is that he’s tired of both of us. He’s tired of this situation. He doesn’t want either one of us. He’s just sick of the whole situation. He didn’t explicitly tell her they’re broken up but he told me that they’re “not really together”. Of course she doesn’t know this. They’re still texting and talking and I’m sure the tone of it hasn’t changed. I’m sure she still sends him naked fucking pictures and says she “loves” him.

Friday night he made a comment that he’s smothered by me again. That he can’t go to a different room with out me following. Can’t do anything alone. I don’t leave him alone ever.

This morning he had a meeting to go to at 7. He woke up at 5 and I just laid in bed so I wouldn’t disturb him. He came in a few times to cuddle me and then would leave again. He left at 6:50 to go to work and kissed me goodbye. I went to work at 10 am and I guess he forgot I was working. He came home and saw I wasn’t here and realized my laptop was locked and so he called me three times in a row and left three text messages trying to figure out where I am and why I’m not home.

I get off of work at 2 pm and he’s not home. He doesn’t come home til thirty minutes later. And we eat lunch and change the oil on his bike and take a nap. We wake up from the nap and he’s angry and frustrated and so I give him a huge hug and he “leaves to go to his dad’s house”.

What I didn’t mention is that this morning he called his brother (they have major issues with each other). And that didn’t go over well at all. His brother thinks we’re still together and he brought me up quite a few times and just bashing me. Bashing my ex for being with me. Going on about what his (the brother’s) step daughter would think seeing me and my ex being together and the way that we got together. Just all this bullshit. And told my ex he didn’t care if he died on the side of the road and that my ex deserves to be in prison right now and that he got off light for what he did. Just all this bullshit. So it weighed on my ex pretty heavily and is what caused a lot more anger and anxiety for him.

But anyway. My ex leaves and I sent him this text: "Hey you,

I know things are messed up and confusing and stressful. But I don’t ever want you to think you’re alone. If you want to vent with no input from me, let me know. If you wanna scream with me. Laugh with me. Cry with me. Punch a wall with me. Just let me know. It’s hard to pull back and not just hold you and protect you. I just want what’s best. What’s going to heal you and strengthen you and make you feel better. You’re never alone my love. Never will be in your entire life. I will always be right there beside you to help you in every way I can. Whether that’s figuratively or literally. Your brother is a dick head and I don’t want you to think of lesser. You’re not. Shane wouldn’t be saying all of that shit if you were. You’re strong. You’re smart. You’re badass. And you’re doing an incredible job with your life. Wonderful father. Hard worker. Amazing beyond Amazing husband. I love you so fully and entirely Tom. You’ve got this. :heart:"

Ex says “thank you so much” and then tells me that he’s gonna go two hours away to his mom’s house to spend the night. Tomorrow is his father’s birthday so I more than likely will not see my ex tomorrow. I don;t know what to do anymore. I’m at the point that I’m so tired and frustrated and exhausted from playing this fucking game and fighting for this. I’ve been in this position for three fucking months and i can’t stand much more of it. I know it’s not right. But I can’t fathom leaving him. I promised him for three years to never leave his side. To never give up on him. To love him through the shittiest times. I know he’s the one for me and I can’t lose him. But fuck if I can even get through this anymore. I’m so emotionally drained.

129

So I didn’t text my ex last night after he said he was going to his mom’s house. I eventually fell asleep around midnight just to be woken up at 1 am to him coming through the front door. We went to sleep cuddled up together. Woke up at 7 and had sex. As soon as he was done I started getting dressed. He seemed really happy to be there with me. Smiles. Happy to see me. Just really wanted me to be there. But I grabbed my car keys and asked him to move his motorcycle. He seemed upset I wanted to leave and I flat out told him that I thought he was lying about last night.

So we sit down and he said that he was feeling so stressed out from everyone in his family hating on me and not wanting us to be together and that’s why he left last night. That he drove to Amanda (gf/exgf?) when she got off of work and they had dinner together and then he went up to his mom’s house after. I guess his mom said that she was done with me and that’s why my ex came home to me last night. He said this morning that he thinks long term I’m the best decision. That I’ll be better for him and better for our life together. He said he was drawn to Amanda at first for all these tiny little things that he felt but realized it wasn’t her making him feel those. It was just his delusions and shit.

Well I left to go start my day and he left to go visit with his dad. I was driving around and passed by Amanda’s ex fiance’s apartment. Well… I see Amanda leaving. Putting her shirt on. And driving away. She looked at me and her mouth just dropped. I won’t tell my ex what I saw because obviously I don’t know what she was doing over there. But she has zero belongings at that apartment anymore so I can only imagine what she was doing with her ex…

I know this whole situation is just pathetic and annoying but I have to get my thoughts out there.

130

Oh Liz, I am sorry to say this but your ex is a loser. I mean serious loser and you are defending him and making excuses and putting yourself out there and giving him everything. If you cannot see how shitty the thing he did to you regarding taking you out this special place and then her next night. He probably said same stuff to her as to you because he is pathetic. this is not going to stop unless you or the other girl stops it. Why would it he is not going to make a choice. Dont you see how unhealthy the fact that you go look for him and find him with her and yet you beg. He should be begging you to not leave him and you do it. Until he actually finishes with her please stop sleeping with him because a. you are endangering your health since he is sleeping with her too and if she is sleeping with the ex I mean come on. b. You deserve a guy who loves and cares about your feelings and this guy aint it. I know you made a promise not to leave him but you know what he lost right to expect when he started treating you this way, you no longer owe him to hold on this promise. People often mistakenly assume that falling hard and fast for someone automatically means that that person is their one true love. Problem with this is that it stops you from ending the relationship when it gets really bad and you cannot be objective about this
one true person and you keep justifying co-dependence, dysfunctionality, and his awful treatment of you. It doesn’t matter how much you love him, how amazing the sex is, or how much he says these things how you are better for him long term and he wants you now and cannot live without you. A relationship that damages you instead of helping you heal and be happy is NOT with your one true soul mate, and you must not make excuses for him in the hope that things will magically get better. Staying in this situation is only dangerous to you and your physical well being and I really think you are such a kind caring person who can do so much better in life once you loose this dead beat guy. I am sorry to say this but I had to give you my honest opinion because it pisses me off to see someone treated the way he is treating you and then you keep letting him and I wish I could give you more confidence in the fact how amazing person you are and that you should love you more to realize that this guy is not treating you the way you deserve.

131

Liz, I am sorry but I got pretty pissed of reading this. I am trying to be as diplomatic as possible as I know being in love with someone you can be blind to pretty much everything.

But Liz you need to wake up, worst case I don’t know how you haven’t caught anything off this guy. He is an absolute emotional user, your constantly there and he is dating the both of you. All because you’re both to weak to end this crap.

I know it hurts but partially you are putting yourself in this misery. How many times are you prepared to be crushed while he has no repercussions of his actions. I am not sure why at the Waffle House you didn’t just kick him in the balls.

132

I just don’t want to leave. I feel I’ve put my entire life into this man and into this relationship. I burned a thousand bridges for this. I’ve spent close to 50k over the past two years just on him. I had my entire future planned out… And so for that to be ripped away for me to start over again? I feel like I’d rather keep holding on to this in order to not lose all I’ve worked for.

I know it’s stupid. I know I’m blind to how he’s treating me most of the time. I just can’t help it. Tonight he’s actually at his mother’s house and I won’t see him for about 24 hours. I’m feeling panicky and scared. I don’t want to be alone tonight :confused:

I just wish he’d come back. For good. Entirely. Not this half in and half out bullshit. Or where he’s still seeing and talking to her. I just don’t know if he’ll ever come back completely.

133

Last night my ex came home from work. It was really nice. He seemed happy to be there. We hadn’t hardly seen each other in over 24 hours. We slept right next to each other the whole night. I just felt home… after such a long time. It felt like we were both home. And this morning he picked up the kids for our two week summer time with them. We had a great morning with the boys. I changed all of his credit card account payments to draw from my checking account again. We started talking about the house he’s closing on in early August and how we’ll budget it and make it worth with both of our incomes. It felt like this is it. We’re together again.

He left for work and I’m here with the boys. I decide to do the laundry and what comes out… is a broken condom. Out of his pants. It had to have been sometime in the last week. I’m just feeling devastated. I honestly don’t know what I’m supposed to do at this point. I’m angry and hurt and very seriously considering wiping my hands clean of all of this. I’m so fucking done right now.

134

Liz, when is enough going to be enough of this treatment? I mean you do not know is that condom from last week, or the night before when he supposedly was at his mom’s. He has lied to you before, he goes between you two so quickly that how he even keeps track who he is seeing is beyond me. You decide what happens here not him, you are the master of your life. So if you want to continue this in hopes that someday he will make a decision and chooses one of you ask yourself these questions can you really trust him? What will be left of your self confidence and self esteem? Do you really think you can have great relationship with someone who has treated you so dismally for over three months and selfishly? I get you have put lot of time, of yourself, money and other things for this relationship but that is no reason to stay in it if you are being treated this way and this may continue for many more months he is not obliged to choose since neither of you are making him. So I get all that but that is not worth letting someone put you so down and feel so bad so often. I know you dont want to leave him but please least think of these things and think for example Mark, he cared about you. Dont you think there is out there someone who will love you like you deserved to be loved and who you can love back just like this douchebag but who will treat you with love and respect? I am not here very often anymore but I will try to see if you write here. I really really wish you so much strength in this situation and I wish I was in same country and city so I could help you more but I am not so sending positive energy and strength via here is all I can do for you. Please make yourself the priority number 1 here instead of number two.

135

I’m really trying to stay away from here as I know I’m quite annoying and just punching myself in the face and complaining it hurts… But I have to get this out.

So I had Saturday and Sunday off of work. I ask the ex if us and the kids can do something fun. We decided to go to this theme park a state away (nine hours). So we go on this journey. Car breaks down and all this other bullshit happens so we ended up staying until this morning (Tuesday).

Well we’re one day in to the trip and I see ex was texting amanda (the supposed ex girlfriend). I ask what its about. He gives bullshit answers. I went in his phone and changed her name back to “amanda” vs. “mana” and I deleted every picture of her out of his phone. He wasn’t too happy about this. Well come Sunday night, Amanda calls me. Two hours later she calls me again. She then texts me telling me to tell my ex to call her when I see him.

I responded with “are you pregnant or dying” and it kinda went from there. I asked her why she needed to talk to him so badly since they’ve been broken up for weeks. She then informs me that they are not broken up and that he just called her and told her he loved her and everything was fine (he was in the bathroom with the kids when this happened). So I told her that that was news to me and that we were at _________. She goes on about how she doesn’t believe me and I’m just a liar and i need to quit lying all the time (I have literally never lied to her). So then she goes on about he told her he was at his dads house and all this shit. She then says “get him on the phone. simple enough.”

Well the ex was pissed at this point I was talking to her and asked to see the conversation. He reads it and goes “guess i should call her”. He goes and calls her for twenty minutes. No idea what its about. But the next day I asked her what the deal is and if they’re still together and she informs me that he just texted her minutes ago about how he loves her and he’s sorry for causing her all this pain and that he’s coming home soon to see her…

I confronted the ex and he admitted to it and said that he felt bad for her and that she deserves more than this situation (but i guess i do?). And I was just done. Done with it fucking all. So we enjoy our last bit of time at the theme park. Ex was trying to win me over. Trying to make me laugh and be loving and sad and sweet. We go to the pool and he gets pizza for us. I found out today that he was texting her during that whole time about how he’ll be home today and whatever.

This morning she texted him saying “whats going to happen between us when you come home?” So I confronted the ex and said that it sounds like they’re together (he’s still swearing up and down that they aren’t). And then he flipped and told me to stop bringing her up. That he’s done with me. He never wants to be with me again because all i do is cause drama and I’ll never stop bringing her up. We get home and I’m upset about that text. I get my shoes and makeup on like i"m going somewhere and the ex got very sad. Wanted to hold my hand. Put his head in my lap. I told him I was sorry for harassing him but that text she sent makes it seem like they’re together. He said that when he broke up with her weeks ago that he told her about three times he was breaking up with her but that maybe he should talk to her again and he isn’t sure how that conversation will go…

So it sounds like to me like he’s not breaking up with her. Earlier today I was just honestly so tired of being hurt that I was thinking about leaving for good. I just don’t know what to do. He sees the worst side of me right now. I’m panicking and stressed and worried because I don’t know whats going on. I don’t know if i’m moving with him or if we’re going to have a life together again. I don’t know if these are my last few weeks with him. So I’m freaking out and he’s seeing such a negative side of me. I just know if he were to leave her 100% and come back to me, all of that would be gone. We’d have a long discussion about how to make this the best relationship possible. Built on trust and honesty and communication. Our friendship is so strong but those things are lacking a bit. I just want my family back. I want to be able to wake up next to his snoring everyday and be able to kiss all over him and tell him how much I love him. I want to see him come home from work and try new foods together and go out and just live life.

I’m rambling now. But God I’m so torn. He makes me feel so guilty about so much and half the time I can’t tell if I should feel guilty or not. Of course I do. I love him so entirely and I feel he doesn’t see that… But for tonight he’s going to his mom’s house with the kids and I feel very alone and very sad.

136

Ex never called me last night to tell me he made it to his moms okay. I text him at nine this morning with no response. So I call amanda and leave a voicemail. He texts me finally and says he’s okay and that hell talk to me later. I start driving up to his moms house to go talk to her when i tell him not to use the interstate and he sends back this weird text.

Long story short. I’m more than positive he did not go to his moms house last night and that he is in fact with amanda and the boys right now. I’m fucking livid. I’m fucking done.

137

He is a liar Liz and I hope you are really done with him because you are way too good for him and he does not deserve your love. I feel sad that you are in this situation but it is like I said before up to you to get yourself out of it and no one else can do that. To be honest I think the true test would be if you give him the ultimatum and dont speak to him and walk away from the relationship. Then you would have your answer does he love you and want you if he leaves her and comes to you and if not your relationship would have been over anyway. As long as he has both of you there he wont choose between you two. I wish you good luck and all the best and strength what ever you decide to do.

138

I seriously can’t fucking stay away. I feel so angry right now. I called him at 9 pm. He didn’t answer but texted saying that he wasn’t going to be talking to me because all i do is cause drama and he was trying to be encouraging of me this morning but i just started shit with him and thats why he ignored me all day long.

He finally answers my call and I was asking why he had to lie to me. He says he didn’t. He says that he told her that they’re broken up and whatever. So I asked why he’d spend 12+ hours with her and the fucking kids today and he says “well are you and I together” and I replied with “I like to think so” and he sounded really sad and he said “well sometimes you say that you and i aren’t together but we still do stuff together so why can’t I do that with her?”

And I fucking hate it. I hate it. Because the other day he did the same sad sounding “well are we together” thing and all it does is tear at my heart. As if we are in fact together. As if I’m the reason for breaking up or something. He makes me feel so fucking guilty and so fucking shitty about everything. But what am I doing? I come home to see him. We’re together right now. He has her goddamn fucking hair on his shirt for crying out loud! And I still sit here and fucking kill myself for him. I bend over backwards for this man and I just can’t leave him.

I don’t understand why I can’t leave him. I try. I work myself up and I’m positive I’ll leave. But I never do. I’m just over this shit. I honestly can’t handle much more. I couldn’t leave today but I know for a fucking fact that I’m getting there.

139

so are you guys together? or depends on the day

140

It changes by the hour… You’d never think we ever broke up to be honest. But he has total and complete freedom.

I was cutting his hair tonight and he took his shirt off to reveal a hickie on top of his shoulder… The same place she usually always gives him hickies. I asked him about it and he claims his 5 year old son bit him. It’s such a bullshit lie but I don’t know whether to keep pestering him about it or just let it go.

The thing is. Me seeing that? Makes me want to leave. Makes me want to just let HIM go. If he’s going to go around fucking someone else and seeing someone else… he clearly couldn’t love me too much. I’m just over this. I can’t take much more. I need commitment. He keeps saying all he needs right now is to focus on getting into his new house and not running out of money. He said he doesn’t need to be worried about me or us or anything like that.

I’m just sick of being that person. That person who is waiting at home for him. That person to fuck. That person to give him a confidence boost. That person to do literally anything and everything for him. I’m his security blanket to fall back on. I feel like he couldn’t care less about my feelings or my well being. I just couldn’t imagine doing this to him… I could not fucking imagine hurting him this bad.