I just wanted to reassure you that the length of your posts are not a problem for me. I know you are in a very tough spot and you are doing awesome Liz! Love isn’t easy at times. But if you find someone willing to overcome the obstacles you encounter in your life’s journey-that’s the man you belong with. That is the man worth fighting for. Only your ex’s heart can shine a light on whether he is that man for you. Slowly your ex is going to understand what Rachel truly meant to him. I know that not a minute goes by that you don’t enter his thoughts.
I do want him to be happy though… of course I’d love to restart. I’d love to date him again and take it slow and all of that. But I want him to be happy. He seems head over heels in love with this new girl all the other times I saw him and I just don’t know. I don’t want to jeopardize their relationship because of my selfish wants. This is so hard for me… I just don’t know the next step to take with all of this.
No you didn’t screw it up! He knows you are out there. Make him sweat like you planned on tumblr. Let him initiate the texting. He will reach out to you as he processes these emotions/feelings. Just give him a chance to process everything he is feeling.
Should I just be open on there about what I’m doing and about my new guy and all? I don’t want to manipulate my ex which is what it feels like I’m doing with that… I also don’t want my ex to think I’ve just up and moved on from him. I guess I’ll just leave the phone alone for the weekend and wait.
That head over heels feeling can be deceptive like smoke and mirrors. For one, it could be true genuine love he is feeling. But it can also be his heart’s way of protecting itself from feeling the total loss of your relationship. Therefore fooling even him that he loves someone new.
Before you do anything on tumblr, wait and see how this latest event (his crying in the bedroom) plays out. The hardest thing after a breakup is to be patient!! It’s good that you met a new guy to help keep your mind off the ex 
And the new guy is so great… I really feel we could have a relationship one day when I move on from my ex. And his kid is so great too. He’ll never replace my ex’s kids but damn he’s cute! Well I’ll keep you updated when/if things happen.
Ex sent me this this morning: "Thank you. I hope you day is filled with joy. I feel like I’m coming off a high and I keep seeing things that haunt and hurt. I feel like I have too big a heart sometimes. It wants to hold on to too much and it continually battles with the mind. I don’t feel it ever goes away. Maybe I should just move away far far away. If it’s from you or jessica I’m always filled with memories and my heart fills with up with excitement and memories and then my mind says it’s not right and it was from a life long ago. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. That I will never be well again. I have learned to just keep moving and looking forward to new experiences and living for the moment. Try not to hold onto things that are a large part of who I am. And that causes a problem. A disconnect from who I am and who I should be. This conflict is agonizing. This is why I said what I did the other day. To trust in God. To have him guide your way. To live for something more than yourself. To be ever humble and thankful. This is the only way to be content. I feel I lose it when everything around is a constant reminder that so many good things don’t make much sense. The things you used to do doesn’t make sense now. The adjustments, the new beginnings, all jumbled up in the head. The emotion that is timeless isn’t self aware of the life struggles. It just shamelessly feeds the brain the wrong signals and there is no way to turn it off other than to cover them up with other emotions that are either something real or fake. I just hope the reshaping of the heart won’t change who we are. I just hope it brings light to what is important in life and how to be more loving, understanding, and patient with the ones we love. Sorry I didn’t mean to write all this. I just meant to send the first two sentences. It just keeps coming. Again I hope you have a wonderful day. "
I didn’t reply and then he messaged me about the key to the shed and I answered that. Then he went to the kid’s museum with his boys and was sending me pictures. He mentioned how he’s all torn up and emotional. I then told him I’d meet him at his kid’s baseball game to give him the key to the shed and he told me his new girl was going to be there. I mentioned I wasn’t planning on staying and he replied with “It’s fine. I hate this. I really feel stupid about a lot of things. I’m sorry.” i told him not to worry about it. And he sent me a long message and mentioned he was excited to see me again.
So I get to his kid’s game and go up to the batting cages and my ex comes to me and goes “WOW! What did you do with your hair? Did you color it or something? It looks so great!” And he had this huge grin on his face and he grabbed me up in his arms. Looked like he just wanted to kiss the hell out of me. And I pulled away and started walking off and he goes “Hey…” And I turned around and he grabbed me again and hugged me really tight. And then he told me to get out of there.
When I got to my car I asked him if there was anything I could do to help him since he’s so emotional and he said he didn’t know. He said he thought he did but now it all feels messed up and he doesn’t know what to do. So I kinda left it at that. Mentioned a car I saw that he would’ve loved and that I would return the pillow I took once I bought new ones.
Not sure how to take any of this…
Hi Liz, What a confusing ex you have!! Here’s my thoughts:
Your ex is going against what his heart feels. He’s making decisions based on logic. That’s a quick way to misery. That’s the reason he feels such disconnect. If you are his true love, he’s going to be miserable and his words reflect that. His appearance of happiness with someone else is a facade to what he truly deeply wants.
I’m glad you pulled away when he was trying to show you affection. Don’t give in so easy when he tries that. It will make him want you even more. That’s how guys are. He is trying to run from his emotions/feelings instead of facing them. He’s just going to drown in his feelings for you until his heart wins over. The heart always has the final say even when we try to go against it.
That’s him entirely… He’s incredibly logical and tries to never involve emotion in decisions. That’s where we’re completely different because I just use emotion for everything. So I wouldn’t be surprised if he had a chart of me and this new girl and he’s weighing pros and cons as I type this… Kidding but really, he does look at everything that way.
I’m thinking if he doesn’t text me between now and tomorrow night, I’ll text him Tuesday morning and ask him for coffee.
Also… I went out with this guy yesterday and we had so much fun so I went over to his house last night and I feel better than I have in weeks! It’s weird because if my ex came over right now and begged for me to come back, I wouldn’t just take him back. I would ask to date him while I continue to date this new guy. Something I never thought I’d feel.
That’s great that you found a cool guy to be with!! Your self-esteem needed a boost-and hopefully this guy is giving that to you! If you look back at your first post, it’s a big difference from where you are now. Your emotions are evolving and that’s exactly what they should be doing. Usually in breakups, there is a turn. The girl begins to feel liberated because she gains more control of her emotions/feelings. The guy on the otherhand, is usually in freakout mode-slipping further into misery and depression fighting his feelings.
The majority of guys are very logical. They don’t think like us at all. I think they have less emotional areas in their brain as well. So it does take them some time to get on the same page as us because we see the breakup so differently. Your ex is overwhelmed with emotions and he’s not sure how to deal with them. Guys don’t like dealing with feelings/emotions that aren’t positive. Anything that is negative-they don’t really know how to deal with.
The new guy is great… but today was a slap in the face. I had dreams all night about my ex and when I woke up I was just so sad… I hung out with my new guy today and we went to this park my ex and I like to go to and my new guy made a comment that my ex made like two years ago and I almost lost it. I just wanted my ex to be there. I wanted his company and his laughs and to be holding his hand.
I came to my parent’s house after hanging out with the guy and I asked my ex what he was up to tonight and he mentioned he was going to dinner with his new girl and then going to his mom’s house afterwards and asked if later on in the week if we could do something. So I said coffee after work on Tuesday would be great. Then he made a comment about his ex-wifes husband and we had a little laugh over it. My ex mentioned his anxiety was through the roof this morning and I begged him to talk to me when he’s feeling that way (I struggle with my anxiety) and I told him we still had anxiety pills at the house if he needed one.
I feel really sad… I know it’s normal considering it’s only been two weeks but God I miss so many little things. I miss seeing his toe nail clippings all over the goddamn bathroom. I miss watching him shave. I miss his little smirk. I miss his hands that always had ink all over them. It’s the dumbest shit but it has me over here crying like I was two weeks ago. What am I supposed to do?
I was kindof a clinger tonight. I thought his date was over so I texted him about this truck (stupid thing from when we were dating). And two hours later he texts me about how he missed me by just 2 hours because he was just at the gas station (where the truck we’re talking about is) and he said he hoped I enjoyed my coke slushy (what i get at the gas station). Well I told him I didn’t get that and I tried waiting til his date was over to text him but that I failed miserably. And I said I hoped he had a good night. And he didn’t reply. And then I asked him if he watched this week’s episode of Blacklist yet. And no response. I don’t know if that means he’s still with her… or if he’s just ignoring me. I feel stupid for even replying. I shouldn’t have replied.
This is going to be long. But a lot happened yesterday.
So my ex was supposed to be at work from 7 am to 3 pm. Well I went over to my house to get a shower and hang out with my ex’s mom around 7:30 am. So we talked for a few hours and around 10 am, I left. I didn’t want to go back to my parent’s house so I stayed in the area and drove around. Well my ex texts me at 11 am saying that he actually didn’t have work today and he’s been hanging out at the park in his hammock and that he’d be headed to our house to do stuff. And then he said I should come by and watch Blacklist with him. So of course… I came by.
When I got there he was heading to the shower and he was just all smiles and really happy to see me and all of that. We watched Blacklist in bed and he was trying to cuddle up to me and holding my hand off and on and sighing really loud. So after that, we went to Walmart to get oil for his car. While we were there, we were joking and laughing and having a great time and he said I had something in my hair. So he comes over and then he jokes and says it’s a bald spot (my hair was pulled into a bun and some of it was separated so you could see my scalp) and he said I’d go bald by the time I was 30. And then he asked what I’d do if I went bald. I responded with “Well I’d ask my husband to tell me if I was pretty every day.” And he said “I’d have to lie to you and suggest you wear a hat…” And we started laughing.
Well we left there and went to actually get my oil changed. While that was happening, we walked down the road to this burger place and had lunch. We walked back and got my car and then we headed home. We changed his oil together which is something we LOVE to do together. We had lots of laughs and he kept pulling me in and kissing me on the head and hugging me and loving on me. And then we went inside to start fixing the window sill our dog tore up. While we’re doing that, I mentioned my back hurt. So my ex tells me to go lay on the bed and he’ll rub my back. So I go in there and he tells me to take my shirt off and all that. Of course his hands started wandering and I ended up with most of my clothes off. But we ended up just laying there together and talking.
I used to cringe every time my ex brought up his ex wife. I hated hearing about her and I had a lot of jealousy. But yesterday I asked about his honeymoon to Hawaii and he started opening up and just telling me everything. He thought it was so amazing that he could tell me things he never would’ve dreamed of telling me before. I think he saw how much I’ve changed and grown in that regards. And we laid there forever it felt like and it was so nice just talking and laughing and enjoying each other’s company. And then his mom comes in the front door… And she was pissed because she thinks we need to stay away from each other until he can sort through his emotions and all of that (understandable). But then she was joking and felt proud that she “walked in on us”. And she asked us to go get her some milk.
So we get in the car and we went to the coffee shop we love and got some coffee. We then walked for about an hour all over downtown and the park and the places we normally would. I brought up a few memories and we discussed our favorite hikes with each other. And I mentioned I always wanted to go camping with him at this one spot and I was bummed we never did and he said something like “well we still can” or something.
So then we headed back to my car and we started making out and he kept saying how he’s missed this and that he used to think I didn’t like kissing him because I’d rush him along. I apologized for ever coming across that way to him. And of course, we had sex. And then we went to the store to get his mom some milk. And on the way back I asked if he’d be okay driving to his mom’s tonight (he falls asleep while driving) and he said I could take him if I wanted to.
So we get back to the house and then we take off and I drove him two hours to his mom’s house. Well usually, I have such bad anxiety about the interstate and I’ll drive aggressively but I’ve really learned to chill in regards to that. So I was driving in the middle lane and doing the speed limit and my ex said how amazing it was to see me driving this way and what a change and all of that.
We got to his mom’s house and cuddled up on the couch watching a show. And then it got late so I suggested we go to bed. Well we had really amazing sex and then fell asleep cuddled up together. This morning he was covering me in kisses and I think he said something like “I want to make this work” and he was just loving on me and telling me how bad he missed me and all of this. And so we drove home and he mentioned it was nice having someone to talk to on these long rides (two hours one way) from his mom’s house to our house. And I was holding his hand most of the way.
I didn’t initiate any of the physical contact at all. I let him come to me because I didn’t want him to think I was pressuring him in any way. He hugged and kissed me a LOT and he had the biggest smile I’ve ever seen the entire day and morning I was with him. Well when I dropped him off this morning we hugged really tight and long and kissed a bit and he had to get to work so I drove to my parent’s. When I got to my parent’s house I told him if he wants me to bring him lunch today, to let me know. He just replied with “I’m fine. Thank you.” Which is really short for him.
Maybe I’m overthinking it. I’m just worried. I feel like we made a lot of progress and he got to see the new me yesterday and he loved it. But I’m worried when he goes to work and sees her today, it’ll be all gone. Or that his mom will scold him for this or I don’t know… I do want to make this work and I know we can. I just don’t know how to go about this.
He called me from work. He said he didn’t mean to sound so short with the “I’m fine thank you” and he explained he’s just really confused. He said he meant what he said about wanting to make this work but he just doesn’t know because his new girl really is so great and like his twin in some ways but then he thinks back about him and I and he sees things with us.
I feel really bad. I don’t want to confuse him or hurt him. I just want him to be happy. I’d love for it to be with me, but if it’s not, that’s okay. I just don’t know what to do. I offered to drive him to his mom’s at night because I really am worried about him driving alone… and he kinda laughed about it. I wish I could take this confusion and this hurt from him. I wish I had some kind of solution. But I honestly don’t know what to do… I don’t know if I should back off or what. He said he didn’t want to rush it. He said he really loved yesterday and laughing with me and having a great time and he hopes he can see me soon.
I guess really the ball is in his court. I tried so hard not to pressure him or do anything to make him uncomfortable because I really don’t want to. I don’t want to push him to do what I would like to happen. I want him to do what’s best for him. I just hope I can be what’s best. I’m so confident in myself that we can make this work and we can build a new relationship together and have it be pretty amazing. I just hope I can have that chance.
@dragongirl do you think I messed it up? I texted him asking if he wants to grab chinese tonight and i can drive him to his mom’s and he just said “We’ll see I think I’m ok but I’ll let you know. Thanks.” I shouldn’t have texted him…
No Liz you didn’t mess it up. It’s his heart that loves being with you-that’s why you say he was looking so happy. His mind is still fighting him though. I think with time he will come back to you. He’s still madly in love with you. His heart and his mind are still at war. But the moment where you thinks he’s being short is because his mind (the logical side) is fighting for control of his feelings. Love is not logical. He’s gotta learn that the hard way. His mind is the one that loves being with the other girl-the logical side is telling him that she’s his twin. The problem is that as he’s dating new girl, his heart isn’t going to be satisfied. And he’s going to wonder why not? It comes down to his heart wants you not her. Remember, let him initiate the texting!
May be i am wrong but i beleive the best solution is to openly speak to him and tell him how much u love him and love to make things work but of course if he is willing to as well…and u could tell him that u will give him the time he needs but he has to make a decision ultimately so that u know what to do (to move on or to stay with him)… I am sure u can select the words better than me so it doesnt sound like u are threatening him…
And then u will really need to back off for a while and let him think without u (so he can miss u)…
I believe you shouldnt accept having sex or spending time with him knowing that he has sex with another girl too!!.. This is so unfair … he has to respect u.
I can’t help but feel like I’ve lost him is all. Maybe I’m weird but I wouldn’t want someone that’s my twin… The guy I’m seeing now is like that with me. And I don’t like it. I want differences. I want my ex. Being with him feels so natural and I don’t have to worry about being embarrassed or anything. I trust him fully and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to show him that I want to be with him. I don’t know how to do this. I hate it because I really do want to drive him to his mom’s house so he doesn’t get into a wreck… It’s not like we have to sleep in the same bed. I just want to make sure he’s okay. But I feel like I totally pushed him away by offering to drive him. I’ve been trying to not contact him and let him come to me… but it’s hard with family things going on on my end and just really needing a friend to talk to.
Okay so yesterday I went to our house when he got off of work to get some clothes. My ex was laying in bed and so I left and when I got outside he texted asking me to come back. So I came back inside and he grabbed me up really tight and said he missed me and all of that. We half cuddled for a minute or so before I left.
Later that night, he said he didn’t need my help getting to his mom’s house. So around 11 he texts me that he’s on his way to his mom’s house and he blows a tire on the interstate. So I offered to come pick him up because he couldn’t get the wheel off and had to have it towed somewhere. He was insistent that I don’t try to come get him and I told him even if he’s with his new girl, he doesn’t need to be stranded. Well that was the thing. He called his new girl to come pick him up… He pretty much asked me to come over to our house since that’s where his new girl was taking him.
So he gets dropped off and I show up and it’s like after midnight at this point. I was hurt that he asked her to come and not me. I felt it showed who he trusted more. So I brought this up and he said the reason he called her to get him is because she was already in the area (they had been hanging out) and he didn’t know where I was or what I was doing and didn’t want to ruin my night. He asked me to sit in his lap, so I did. And we talked and I cried a lot. I told him how much I wanted to be with him and asked him why he couldn’t just give me a chance.
He said he’s hesitant because he’s waiting on the other shoe to drop. He’s scared that my change isn’t permanent and that if he gets back with me, it’ll revert back to old times. I tried but I couldn’t show him that this is permanent. I told him he could date both of us at the same time and then he could maybe see which one he wants.
He said that she’s not smart like I am. That she struggles to keep conversation with him. That she’s terrible at simple algebra stuff. That she’s really selfless though and just wants the best for everyone… He said there’s so many things he misses about me.
I just don’t understand. How could you love someone deeply and miss them and say you want to make this work, but not do it?? I would do anything in the world to have my ex give me a chance… But he just doesn’t want to do it. What do I do at this point? I’ve decided not to contact him until he contacts me…
Oh and he asked where I was sleeping that night because I got into it with my parents. And he suggested we sleep in the back of my suv. So we did. Had sex twice. He kept saying how amazing it was to have me there and everything. He made a comment about how he thinks I’ll age really well and he’s worried because I’ll look so young but he’ll keep getting older and then I’ll run off with someone else. And it’s comments like that that make me feel like he’ll come back… What do I do?