Hi there,
I have been watching your videos for the past few week to try gain insight and work through my breakup.
I will admit I am guilty of many mistakes and never handled the breakup like I should have which possibly made things more complicated.
I moved abroad for medical school in 2012 and met a girl outside the library once day and was instantly struck by a Cupid’s arrow . I never intended on finding a girlfriend as I was enjoying my single life at the time, but I asked her on a study date that very weekend and it was perfect, we ended up spending the entire day together and then next 6 years.
She was 19 at the time, I was 25.
Due to the fact that I came from the US and she was a national student made things interesting and exciting. From the day I knew I loved her I told her and told her that I see a future with her and for that reason I want to do everything The right way to ensure that we stood a chance .
The logistics of our relationship were more complicated than most couples.
- We came from different backgrounds, countries and cultures .
- We were both medical students with responsibilities and aspirations.
- For us to work out one day many things would need to work out.
We formulated and talked about a long term plan for the future taking our careers into account and she was enthusiastic excited to chase our dream and adventures together . The plan was to spend our years working as a team to conquer our obstacles together step by step so by the time that phase arrived we would be ready to return to the US after medical school to peruse our specialty training together.
We defied the odds and made it through medical school and internship together! These were some of the most intense years of our lives both professionally and personally and we weather through together, the first 3-4 years flew by blissfully , it felt like he honeymoon phases never ended . We had perfect communication and trust and a balance of power and love and mutual respect ! The romance and excitement was still there despite our limitations as medical students, as we didn’t have he same amounts of free time as other couples or the resources st the time. Our final year after medical school during internship, we were slaves working 6 days a week 36 hour shifts and the whole experience left us feeling deflated and tired in general. We had both lost some confidence and motivation during the course of the year but were still in love and there for eachother.
We reached a crossroads in our relationship in August when I decided to move back to The US prematurely so I could properly focus on my US board exams, I was under a lot of pressure , as my living environment after internship was not conducive to a stable study environment for me(roommate issue, distractions, general stress a ousted with the exams and studying)
. this year has been stressful and I know looking back that I dealt with it poorly and possibly was withdrawn which put strain on our relationship. I started doing less and scudding her anxiety because I didn’t want to go out as much or do anything as I didn’t want to compromise our future and I figured short term sacrifice for long term benefit was with it as id already put so much time and energy into our plans I didn’t want to fall short st the end . My focus was the future possibility and stability of the relationship. I figured we would have time in the future to make up for what we were giving up.
We had never had a major fights or anything like that in our relationship, and for the most part were very happy and had good communication. But during the months after internship my stress was affecting my mood and ultimately she felt like I was withdrawing and losing interest in her (which was never the case)
Once I left in August, our plan was for me to take my boards and get ready to apply to residency in September of next year, in the meanwhile she would be finishing up her social service in February. and follow me, Take her boards, and apply to residency in the same city/hospital. we also had plans to visit each other ever couple months during this transition period, but no set date.
Having never been in a long distance relationship we both did not know to navigate properly. When I left she was depressed and apathetic and demotivated, as we had spent the last 6 years together and all of a sudden there was this void. when I sensed it I got paranoid and tried to overcompensate by calling her more etc which only ended up smothering her and making things worse.
This all built up in October and she told me that she was scared and confused and was not happy. I agreed to give her her space to figure out what she wants as I love and respect her and realize she needs to be happy again before anything. And under the circumstances It was not fair of me to try convince her or force her.
After still keeping in touch every other week i recently agreed to focus on our priorities for and career and try “move on” . She feels like the life of 2 doctors is overwhelming and is scared that all this sacrifice wont workout. She is also conferences with the timelines of everything
She is also scared to give up her comfort of her home town and friends and family ,and leave everything and everyone she knows to pursue a residency in the US. I was always open to compromise and finding a middle group but we didn’t discuss it.
She had mentioned since that I took to long and she wasn’t sure how I felt about her as I always joked around at the topic of marriage whenever people asked “when’s the wedding “ etc
I figured because of her age and our current obligations the tit was best to wait until we are over this hill before adding more factors to the mix. I figured I still had time and was planning to propose next year once we were both a bit further along as this period has been a hectic one. I also figured the time apart would be a good opportunity for us to put into ourselves and still support eachother and have time to miss eachother and grow as individuals st the same time . I know she wanted a formal commitment sooner but I thought we were in the same page.
I had every intention of spending my life with her and she used to discuss weddings etc with me but I was immature and nervous about the topic so just joked around.
I wish I had the experience to have made better choices and done things better to give her more confidence in us and our future. Perhaps its because i didn’t make a formal commitment sooner, like get engaged? My reasoning is that once we pass our board i would propose , so that there is nothing else distracting us, as we had a lot on our plate, I figured that she would understand. I may have been wrong in my thinking, I think she mistook this for me not being serious about her, which provoked doubts.
All these factors led to present day, where we were talking on and off for the past 2 month and i know we miss each other a lot but she is proud person and i know her and know she does not want to look weak by going back on her decision, so she is making efforts to follow through on making new plans as she has more advantages there getting into a residency she wants without having to worry or jump through hoops like our plan.
She says it’s easier to not have to worry about affecting eachothers plans and progress etc
A can attribute the breakup to a few factors that I am aware of.
- my focus trying to prep for my boards, and associated stress created a less happy environment and dynamic that our previous 5 years of school and internship. I am still the same person and feel the same about her but I know now did not make her feel that way in the moment, communication breakdown.
2.Me not committing sooner and giving her a sense of security and hope for the future.
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Poor planning and handling of Long distance.
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Our relationship was during one of the hardest times as you know this career is demanding and we are constantly challenged and restricted and limited with time and resources.
I still lover her more that anything, but I know she was not happy and for that reason I know the best thing to do is let her regain her confidence and grow.
I value our relationship and only have good memories and love and respect toward her even though the way she handled everything seems selfish and unfair.
I am staying focused and following through with the original plan, but on my own now.
I don’t know how to regain her confidence, and attraction toward me to want to see things from a different perspective and be willing to fight for love instead of giving into doubt
She is attributing the breakup to her fears and doubt about her career and mine. I know that is causing her anxiety . She also feels guilty for everything and does not want me to hate her for how she handled everything. We have agreed to not talk to give eachother time to heal but she messaged me to tell me that she still cares about me and that she will never be able to forget our relationship
We didn’t speak for a few weeks after the breakup and then have been talking sporadically on and off through the last 2 months with brief periods of NC. But no more than 10 days here or a week there etc
I explained to her my perspective in a calm way and showed her how I know my faults and errors and what led to her feeling the way she did st the time.
Every time I have tried to do no contact it has been disrupted , partly by her and partly due to my own doings.
Last week she called me crying after having not spoken in at least 2 weeks. This was after she had told me she didn’t think it was a good idea we talk on th phone etc.
When I asked her why she was calling , she said she didn’t know then started crying telling me she didn’t want to hurt me or ruin my life because of her. And that she didn’t know anything about me and that made her sad .
During conversation I was upbeat and positive and reassured her that everything h happens for a reason and I’m partly to blame to for pushing her to that point . I told her I accepted her decision as I know it was not an easy one but was neccissry st the time as we were both overwhelmed and not in the best of places personally.
Since that conversation she has reached out a few times via text , shared some inside jokes etc and iv just been playing along .
I don’t know what to do…
The day after telling me it’s better for both of us to move on and not continue talking she sent me a text at 1am saying
“I love your profile picture I’ve always loved that smile of yours and your beautiful soul. Even if we don’t speak for sure and is obvious I’ll never forget about you and all our memories and unconditional support throughout our relationship
She said she was jus troubling out loud and apologies then said
“I care about your happiness but I can’t be selfish and only accepting your support and caring for me if I can’t reciprocate and treat you like you deserve. I know that right now I’m not the best for you, I only slow you down and Only bring negative things in your life. Thank you for still being the incredible person that u’ve always been”
And tell you that whatever happens you’ll always be my most special person in my life
and i want your happiness more than anything I want to see you succeed in life and achieve anything u’ve always wanted
And I know you will
L
She is showing signs of interest but I don’t know why if she has told me it’s better we don’t talk when I asked her if I could call her.l
What do I do?
Do I capitalize on her interest if so how?
Iv been actions súper cool and trying keep the texting convo light and fun.
She is not overly responsive but she replies and initiates :-s but her messages and replies are not very warm and are short
She I friended me on all her social media the day of the breakup saying she didn’t want to see reminders of me.
I also know she has been dating someone as I saw pictures of her with a guy on 2 occasions on a mutual friends profile… 
this has been going on since a few weeks after the breakup and is still ongoing… I initially called her emotionally asking her about it and she denied anything was going on and has stuck to her story.
she has been hiding the fact and is not open about it
Please. It that we are long distance now after 5 and a half years together in the same place.
Please help