Depression Killed My Amazing Relationship - How to Get Him Back?

reconciliation
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I was with this guy for 1 year and 6 months. Our relationship was amazing and we were so in love. But in the last 6 months, my depression medication stopped working and I was having horrible symptoms. I wasn’t me. I irritable, I lashed out, I cried and complained constantly, honestly I was a mess I know I caused him a ton of stress. I didn’t realize it was happening because I was so busy with school.

Right before our breakup I was worse than ever - suicidal, not getting out of bed, not going to class, etc. Then he dumped me. “I’m unhappy. I don’t love you.” My world crashed and burned.

I flipped out. I begged him to give me some time to get new meds and go to therapy and get better, but he didn’t think I would change. I tried to be strong, but I felt so alone and hopeless. I wanted to die. I sent him text after text and called him over and over begging him to just talk to me. He was my best friend and now I felt like I had no one. Eventually, he got angry and blocked my number. (Not that I blame him.)

After a week of therapy, I sent him an email letting him know I was getting better. He told our friends he was happy and would be willing to talk to me again. I was thrilled. I sent him a message asking if we could arrange a time to exchange stuff (he had my two favorite books, I had his hockey stick.) But he wouldn’t respond. He got a mutual friend to bring my stuff to me and get his stuff. He told her that he just wants space this summer.

I was heartbroken. Does he really hate me so much that he can’t even face me? Or is he hurting more than he lets on?

Now I’m stuck. I have no idea how he feels - he’s so cold but he’s also so angry. I know that we can work again, because these symptoms aren’t me, and they’re what made him unhappy. Once i’m myself again, I know I can make him happy.

How do I convince him that I am not the sum of my symptoms? How do I let him know that we can be happy again once I’m better? Is all hope lost after a broke down and made a fool of myself?

I have an email written and ready, explaining what the depression did to me and how it wasn’t me. I explain that I’m getting better everyday and soon I’ll be back to the girl he fell in love with. I express my feelings that I deserve a second chance to make him happy and fix the relationship I broke.

But when do I send it? Do I give him the summer and send it right before we go back to school? Or do I send it now and give him something to think about while he has his space?

I know I have lots of questions, but I hope you guys can help me with this tricky situation!

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(Post moderation bump)

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Please guys? :frowning:

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I say it’s a bit of a hard decision but I would personally wait until the summer ends until giving him the email as sending it to him now may come across as you being too desperate and may possibly push him away further. But it’s all up to you, I say.

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I think I’m going to wait a month or so (NC) and then just send him an email explaining my depression and stuff but not asking for him back. Go back to NC. Then in the fall ill ask to meet up just as friends and hopefully he’ll see how much I’ve changed.

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Update: I went up to school a few weeks ago and saw him. I couldn’t resist the urge to go up and talk to him. I had so much I wanted to say.
I asked him if we could talk. He seemed hesitant but agreed. I didn’t get up the nerve to say anything I wanted to. It was mostly just chit-chat and how’s your family type talk. I stayed calm and happy up until the end. I told him I hoped he’d have a good summer and we should get together and catch up in the fall. Then he said that “this is weird. Us just talking one on one” and that if he sees me with our mutual friends he’ll talk to me but he doesn’t want one on one. Then he brought up our friends and how they miss me or whatever and I started to tear up. So I left the conversation there.

Later that day, I was so mad at myself for not saying what I wanted to. So I text him and simply said “Sorry that convo was so awkward. I had something I wanted to say but i didn’t know how to say it. Maybe it’ll be easier if I could just text it to you. Please let me know when you’d be wiling to listen.” I never got a response.

I few days later I was talking to a mutual friend. He told me he had asked my ex if he’d ever consider getting back with me. My ex said “No, I was unhappy in the relationship and I’m much happier now.” (ouch) “And if she continues how she’s acting, there’s no chance we can be friends.”

I have no clue what I did wrong to make him say that. I never brought up us getting back nor was I crying and upset when we talked. I did text him but not repeatedly, and when he didn’t reply I let it go. I feel like I acted in no way for him to react like that.

Is all hope lost? Will someone please give me some advice?

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Oh, wow, Mx. What a painful situation. I really feel for you, especially in the light of what he recently told your friend. It’s important that you respect his wishes to stop contacting him the way you’ve been doing but as for “I’m much happier now,” keep in mind that he probably knew your friend would report every word back to you. He told her what he wanted you to hear.

As to the larger problem, I have to say two things:

  1. Depression is a serious illness that doesn’t just go away. Medications and therapy work, but sometimes they stop working, as you’ve seen. As I’m sure your psychiatrist has explained to you, there are latent periods and then there are times when it comes back. The symptoms, sadly, ARE you, or a part of you anyway. You can’t promise someone that you’ll get better and it won’t happen again; you simply don’t know that. All you can do is the best you can, and you need rock solid support.
  2. At this point in his life, he’s not strong enough to be with a person who has medical issues.

He said, “i’m unhappy, I don’t love you” - oh my god, how incredibly painful that must have been. Perhaps the problem is not so much your depression, but that he didn’t love you enough to stand by you through your depression. Sometimes people are fair weather lovers; they’re only happy in the good times. If this is true, you might be better off without him, sad as it is to say.

As for hope - and I do see a little hope here - this is what I have to say:

Maybe it’s not that he didn’t love you enough, but that he wasn’t brave enough. OR, if he seems so angry, then two things are possible:

  1. While you were in your depressed state, you didn’t treat him properly.

  2. He’s angry because he did love you and was very hurt by your behavior.

If both of those things are true, I think you ought to send that email - but modify it to say that you can’t promise to get better, only promise to try and love him with all your heart. Acknowledge the way you might have treated him and apologize. The grand gesture can be important in times like these. I’d send it, and then I’d immediately go into NC. Give him time to heal and consider your heartfelt words. I really hope he finds the courage to be with you again.

It’s heartbreaking, but many people with mental illness suffer a lifetime of rejection because people can’t handle it. I’d say “if only there was a pill that could make it go away” but there are already a million of them, and they rarely work.

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Thank you so much for replying!

I know he probably said what he said out of pride. And like you said, I’m sure he knew it would get back to me. He wants his space. So that’s what he’ll get.

I’ve been dealing with depression since I was 12. You’d think that after all those years I’d know that I’d need to stay in therapy and keep track of my symptoms, but I got a lot better right before college and stopped therapy. I wasn’t paying attention to the symptoms that were popping up and I got so apathetic I didn’t care or notice what was happening until it was too late.

When my depression is under control, I am a very happy, bubbly, confident person. I consider that the real me. When I’m the “depressed me” I am the complete opposite. I know that my depression will never truly go away, but I’ve learned now that if I stay in therapy I can catch these symptoms before I get to depressed me. I know that now and I’m in therapy and I won’t be leaving, probably for the rest of my life.

I KNOW I treated him wrong. And I treated our friends wrong, which really bothered him. And I feel like there’s no way he didn’t love me. He treated me too well during our relationship not too. I just think he doesn’t like me right now as silly as that sounds. And it’s hard to feel love for someone you don’t like.

I just have this feeling in my gut that if I get my s*** together he’d be stupid not to take me back! (There’s my confidence coming back, haha) I’m getting therapy/meds, I’m getting happier, more confident and bubbly, I’m having fun, I’m going to the gym to lose the weight I gained while I was depressed…I mean, I feel like passing up the chance to at least TRY to be in a relationship that once made you happy is silly. I’m not going to just hold him captive if he takes me back. The point is to try our best to work things out and if they don’t, it’s for the best for both of us to move on. But you have to at least TRY you know?

Anyway, I think I’m going to wait until around mid-summer, send the email with the things you said, and then NC until the fall. And even then, I’m not seeking him out.

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@MxV13 my heart goes out to you. I can only imagine how hard it must have been to watch yourself become someone you know you aren’t and you were pretty much powerless to stop it. While I have never had depression, I can relate as I had many outside stressors affect my personality and thus my relationship as well. I mistakenly took things out on my guy.

To me it sounds like he didn’t know how to handle the depression you experienced. I think him saying that he didn’t love you wasn’t quite true; feelings don’t just die. That being said, men in general can be very hurt when things like their job or relationship aren’t working out. It can deeply affect them, to the point where they project the negative feelings they experience onto others. From your situation, it sounds like sending an email to let him know that you are working on yourself is a good idea. I did something similar with a text, letting him know I understood why he had to do what he had to do.

I think if you send such an email, it will already show an improvement from your “flipping out” at the initial breakup, and that can only do positive things for both of you. I think NC is the best option for both yourself and him, to allow both of you time to heal. He needs to get to a point where he can deal with some choppy waves; that takes growing up to do, and sadly nothing you do can control that. I sympathize, as I am in the same boat with mine. And you take time to yourself: therapy, figuring out which medications work for you, finding a hobby, going to the gym, showing him what he’s missing by going out and looking like you’re having the time of your life.

Some days will be better than others. Some days you’ll feel you want to die, and other days you’ll feel okay enough to smile and laugh with people around you. But I have faith that you can do it :slight_smile:

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Thanks laur. You are right that some days are harder than others. It’s just hard when I feel in my guy that this is all wrong and that we’re supposed to be together and will be again, but my head is saying there’s no hope. It’s so confusing.

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Gut* not guy

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I’m feeling so bad lately. Like there is no hope and I won’t ever get to have this amazing relationship back. I feel so numb and like I’m dying.

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bump :frowning:

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I ran into this on a Google search for the same problem I am going through. I see your last post is from June. Is there an update since it is October?

I don’t really need to tell you my story because my story is your story. However, I went through “situational depression” rather than it being a life long struggle for me… it was a series of events that caused me to dive into a depression without knowing it was occurring.

I have been back and forth figuring it out for over a year now and back and forth with my ex boyfriend. I am currently going through therapy and am on low dose of medication while I cope.

What I’ve learned over the entire time that is eventually getting me to a hopeful point, is that I was spending too much time thinking about him, what he was thinking, and how I could fix it. I too tried to say everything to win him back. Sadly, it’s just not possible because we don’t have any control over what THEY are feeling. Especially when we can’t even control our OWN feelings.

You need to realize that dealing with somebody who has depression can be very taxing. Not everyone is cut out for it or chooses to deal with it (and unfortunately it IS a choice). Sometimes the depression and our behavior because of the depression causes so much irreparable damage that, well, it’s difficult much less even possible, to get them back.

The truth is that you can SAY what you want but what he SEES will be the determining factor. He has SEEN you depressed and your actions as a result of that and that is what is sticking with him for now. Whatever you SAY will not counter that. He would need to SEE, over a long period of time and probably painfully slow for you, that you ARE better. And as another person posted, you can NOT guarantee him that it WON’T happen again.

I think this was one of my Ex’s concerns. He went through so much. How could I guarantee him that he would not go through it again? Yes, I’ve learned. Yes I’m better… but do I really KNOW. I didn’t even know it could happen to ME to begin with, and when I was in the thick of it, I didn’t even know I was depressed. For him, giving you another chance is similar to you saying that you want to risk through a depressed episode again. If YOU had a choice, wouldn’t YOU turn it off? He does and he’s exercising self preservation.

This isn’t selfish. He just knows in his heart he can’t help you or support you. In fact, I often think it was one of the most selfless things my ex boyfriend did to call things off, essentially forcing me to seek the help and answers I needed.

Do I hope that someday we will reconnect? Certainly, we had a good friendship prior to becoming romantic. Do I want him to hold out and wait until I am “better”, of course. Do I EXPECT him to do that? No. I have no right to judge how he processes his pain nor do I have the right to counter his decision to “move on”. Arguing that, I have learned, is beating a dead horse.

Maybe your ex boyfriend needs to go on to have other experiences and lots of time. That is his choice. After what he has been through, the least you can do is let him find his happiness and all you can do in the meantime is sit on your hands.

Sorry. I wish there was a better answer. But if I haven’t found it yet, I’m pretty certain it doesn’t exist. Feel the pain. Grieve. The tears become less over time. Trust me. I thought I would be wallowing in it forever, but it lessens if you exercise patience and give yourself the time you need.