Hello All,
My ex and I broke up about two and a half weeks ago. We have been dating for a bit over a year, although the majority was long distance because I was away at school, and we broke up for a little over a month in March, until I came back in May to get back together with her. Things were great, especially because we were physically together, but I’ve had a problem with pot for the past ~1.5 years. I would be lazy, and would project my own negative feelings about myself on her, and this was the main reason for our earlier breakup.
When I first came back things were great, as I have significantly cut down on smoking. However, as predictable as it may be, I got comfortable and before I knew it, I was smoking everyday, and we started to fight more and more as I became more selfish and impatient. She’s also going through a very tough time in her life, and we sort of got into a cycle of fighting and reconciling. Things were still very passionate and I thought we were just going through a rough patch, but after I got into a major car accident, (luckily I wasn’t hurt at all, but my car was totaled), it seemed she had enough of my habits, and she broke up with me.
Ever since then I immediately went clean. The shock from the accident, the pain from the breakup, and going through withdrawals, made it probably the toughest two weeks of my life, but I stayed clean, and began working out everyday. It was her birthday a few days after the accident, and thinking that this was just a minor issue, I got her a birthday cake, and tried to talk her out of the breakup (big mistake…). About a week into the breakup I unintentionally ran into her at a social gathering, but I managed to not talk to her at all other than casual the casual greeting.
I started feeling intense guilt around 10 days in because of my withdrawals, and realized how I’ve lied to her about me cutting down, and how lied to her about how things will get better. The worst part was that during our relationship I thought I was myself, and that my feelings were legitimately mine, and I kept telling her how she annoys me in certain ways. Only after being sober did I realize that I was just being a selfish addict, and that I’m a much more understanding and patient person. The intense guilt made me feel like I didn’t even deserve her and I texted her a simple “Hey ____”, genuinely wanting to apologize to her.
She just read the text and didn’t reply, and in retrospect I think it was for the better.
Now 18 days (today) in I finally had my first normal night of sleep and most of my withdrawals are gone, and the results from working out 6 times a week has been definitely showing! I’ve also been actively searching for a job (which I was constantly pushing back or not doing with my habit) and I feel much better about myself. Feeling this way, I’ve been wanting to contact her, and after a day of mulling over the thought (very emotionally), I texted her about something that reminded me of her and asked her how she’s doing (I somehow convinced myself I don’t have to wait 30 days). A few hours later I realized that this may have been a mistake, as I honestly don’t feel like I’m completely detached from this, and I feel like it’s already giving me a tough time emotionally. Unfortunately the text has been sent, and I have a feeling I won’t get another response.
What would be the best way to proceed from this point on? I keep feeling like I want to call her, as she didn’t text much even during our relationship, and to apologize to her for how I’ve treated her, but I think in the back of my mind I don’t think it’s genuine, and I just want her back.
Thank you for your time reading my story, and any input would be greatly appreciated!
I’ll post an update in the future!