I would like to share my story with you guys, hoping I can get your advice. So here’s mine: I was with my ex for around 1y. Our whole relationship was based rather on respect than on butterflies, which sometimes makes me doubt the connection between us…I would like to mention from the beginning that we live in an Arabic country(he is arab and I’m not), so considering the culture of the country, it makes it hard for us involve in activities that could make us closer, unless we travel outside. In the past I found out that he was still talking to his ex so we ended up with a big fight. We got back together, but since that time I’m having trust issues, I have been needy and clingy sometimes, and even asked him to become more close to each other. By time he became distant and started to pull away. We were never really too close to each other(I feel he is afraid of this) or expressed our feelings. I am not even sure about what he feels, he is not into meeting too much, talking too much, etc. Despite all these, he is caring, respectful, kind, warm. Things started to become better in the pst months and we started to get close. Now he has a new job that he has to study alot for. Although we were video calling a lot every day, we haven’t seen each other alot lately, which made us starting to have fights because of this. We did not officially broke up, but our last fight ended up something like this: he is accusing me that I do not understand what he is passing trough, he is fed up of drama and me asking for dates when he has exams to concentrate on. From his point of view he is doing efforts to make me happy, but I do not see them and I will always need more. To end the conversation, he stated that this is what he can offer me and from here is my decision what I will do next… I did not reply or text him back. It’s been 11 days of NC, when 2 days ago he wished me Happy Holidays and he hopes I am doing fine. My mistake was that I replied, in the same brief way tho. I feel confused about our situation. Am I needy and expecting too much? Or I ask him normal things and his feelings are not too strong? I feel I need to continue NC at least until he is done with his exams. What is your advice?
I am sure. They had a casual relationship and he blocked her right after I found out. Also his ex contacted me and we talked about it. Plus, this happened months ago, meantime our relationship improved. I do not think his ex is the issue…
@Pinkie Yes, you seem a bit too needy. You wrote:“this is what he can offer me and from here is my decision what I will do next…” What did he offer?? I’m not sure you need to do NC, but you absolutely must stop asking to see him while he’s studying for exams! If he has time, he might ask to see you… I don’t understand why there would have been fights and I’m guessing you started them because you weren’t seeing him often enough. He mentioned he’s fed up with the drama!! You must stop causing drama! You could simply message once in a while to ask how he’s doing…
@patricia12 Thank you for your reply, appreciate that your took from your time to reply.
The thing is that I always feel he does not take the initiative to see each other too often. Moreover, during his exams we haven’t seen each other for 2 weeks. Yes, we had the last fight because of me telling him this…I mean…I did not have the expectation to see him every day during this busy period, but we could at least pick a coffee or something once in a while…
When he acts this way, I always feel the need to push him, to ask him to see each other more and to ask for more effort. And this seems to annoy him. He even mentioned that after he comes from work he just wants to relax ALONE at home, which made me feel not needed…
Then during our last fight he told me something like this: “This is me (without even mentioning this situation will change after the exams) and if you want to accept this life I will be happy to continue, if not, you know better and maybe you will find what you are looking for in someone else, althought it will be a big lose for me.” As if he wants to say that we will still keep the relationship distant and cold even after his exams. If he wants this relationship, why he refuses to change the things that are bothering me? Why he only expects me to adapt to him even if this means my needs are dismissed?
I am not crazy about contacting him, but if I lose him, I feel I lose someone good for me, someone different, someone that I could have a peaceful relationship with. I don’t need him, but I want him. But I want us to be closer, to spend more time together. While he prefers to spend alot of time alone…(even he does not see his family and friends too much). He told me that he talks to me more than his family and I am still not happy. He is the type who likes to do everything by his own and separate job, family, relationship, friends. While I am the type that wants to involve him in my activities.
I really do not know how to act next.
I should also mention that I have trust issues and I am going crazy if he does not text me once in few hours. Also I have the bad habit to sabotage my relationship. I often feel the need to argue, especially when things are too calm or they are not going the way I want.
Should I still message him to check in him? What if after some days he will keep the silence? Should I continue asking him about his exams, or should I want for him to text next time?
@Pinkie To me this guy doesn’t seem to be a good match for you. I understand that you want and need more of his attention and time, but the guy isn’t willing to give more. When you start arguments, it only pushes him further away.
You wrote:“Also I have the bad habit to sabotage my relationship. I often feel the need to argue, especially when things are too calm or they are not going the way I want.” This comment is troubling! And apparently you’re not interacting with him in proper or good ways. Perhaps you should read up on conflict resolution. Actually, I’m not sure it would even help as the guy seems to hate confrontations.
Yes, you could message occasionally to ask how he’s doing, but if he doesn’t answer quickly or at all, do not send another message!
I wish you could meet someone nice from your own culture and belief systems. Someone who had more time and caring to give you…