My ex and I grew apart to the point where she moved out for some space. I agreed at the time as I needed to consider what I wanted too.
In the first week I began to feel that I needed to move on as I hadn’t been happy for some time. After a week apart we met, calmly discussed everything and agreed to split up.
After a couple of weeks of minimal contact (only absolutely necessary stuff) I’ve reflected on the relationship and understand where things went wrong and realised that I was the cause of a lot of the problems.
I bumped into the ex one morning (she works around the corner from where I live) and we got talking. I explained that I understood where things went wrong, I’m getting some help with counselling and although I now knew I want to be with her we both need time to heal and be sure of what we need. We left the conversation with a hug and a bit of playful banter.
That was a week ago, we’ve exchanged a few texts and seem to be getting on ok and she suddenly text yesterday and asked to meet. I had plans so suggested today instead but she has plans so we’ve agreed to meet tomorrow.
I’m unsure if I should go ahead with this, concerned about being friend-zoned but unsure how to play it if we do meet.
Any advice please?
Two questions: How long did you live together and when did she move out?
It’s strange you would say in the 1st week after she moved out, that you felt you should move on and hadn’t been happy for some time… Why weren’t you happy? I’m assuming she wasn’t happy either, but it’s good you could meet and discuss the situation calmly and make a mutual decision to split up. But it took you another week to come to the realization that you were the cause of a lot of the problems?
When you bumped into her and got to talking, did you apologize for your part in the breakup? I’m sure she was glad to hear you’re in counseling. So for the past week, you’ve been exchanging some texts.
Yes, go meet up with her tomorrow and see what she has to say. Take her lead as to how to respond. The wise thing to do if she is open to reconciliation, would be to continue counseling and wait a while before making any serious decisions.
Good luck.
How long did you live together and when did she move out?
We lived together for 3 years. She moved out about a month ago and we tried a week apart before we agreed to split.
I wasn’t happy as I felt unloved and our physical relationship had suffered recently. I realise now that was down to my insecurities and I need to work on that so I can be a stronger person.
When i bumped into her I explained that I had come to realise what had caused the breakup and my part in it and apologised.
We met up this evening and went for a walk together and some food at my place. I let her do more of the talking as I’d said a lot in our last talk. She brought up a lot of issues but it became clear she hasn’t processed what happened. She got upset toward the end as she said being back at my place triggered memories.
We didn’t argue at all and got on very well. I think that she has a lot to work out for herself so even if we were to reconcile and start a new relationship it would definitely need to be taken slowly.
Maybe keep communications to a minimum to allow more time for her to process the breakup. If she brought up issues concerning you that she wasn’t happy with, work on those.
And if you meet up again anytime soon, don’t invite her to your place as it will continue (for awhile) to bring up memories, including the bad ones. Instead, go out and have fun as if on a date…
So after the last meeting I’ve not initiated anything. Today she texts me to tell me she is going away for a week. I kept my responses short but courteous but she continued the conversation. I said I had to drive home from work and she said she would call me later.
She called me this evening and basically said she’s unable to process anything and barely keeping her head above water. She’s struggling with her work situation and has some physical pain with her back so hasn’t really resolved anything in her head and then broke down in tears.
I think I now need to stop initiating any conversation and politely shut down her attempts? Opinions please.
She has some issues to deal with in her personal life, but apparently you can’t help her resolve them.
I agree … you should stop initiating contact and politely shut down her attempts to carry on LONG conversations as it doesn’t seem fruitful. But you can also give support in short responses if she initiates contact.
So I cut off contact completely again. Yesterday after about 9 days she asked to see me. I was working away so honestly told her I was busy, she asked to see me today when I got back so we met for coffee and a meal. Had a lovely evening and talked a lot. She got very upset at the end of the evening, not at anything in particular, she just said she doesn’t want to be sad and alone, she wasn’t saying she wanted me back. She seems very confused, said so herself. Said she felt she didn’t want to ask for help from me as it felt like that would be leading me on but also felt jealousy about an old (female) friend of mine that had been checking in on me.
I’m letting her initiate contact for now but am I right to feel some hope here?
You can feel some hope, but these meetups don’t seem to produce anything positive. She’s still confused, but saying she doesn’t want to lead you on seems a strange thing to say especially since she is the one who asked for the meetup. She lost all rights to be jealous when she moved out.
Don’t initiate contact! If she initiates contact, keep it very short! And do not meet up with her again unless she says she wants to try and reconcile.