So, myself and my ex had a three-year relationship. One month broke up.
In short,
She had a very controlling and jealous ex-husband, who used and alienated their daughter to get to her, and I suppose it built up with us, and we argued and eventually split one month ago.
She wanted for nothing, I paid all the bills, went on three holidays this year, paid her legal bills, and we did love each other very much. But the arguments from the pressure was to much, and yes I agree we should have learned to not let it affect us.
We were engaged, lived together etc, and her divorce not through yet (Here you have to be separated for four years before you can get divorced). But her ex- husband used the child, spread bad lies and rumors about me, used the child and brainwashed her etc to her mother.
I made the mistake of pleading etc to take me back, etc, and she ignored me totally, apart from two emails saying we never getting back together, she is angry, and blaming me for everything, and in her head it is all my fault, some of it is yes, but not all,
Anyway, yesterday I emailed her a clean slate email, which was this:
“Hi XXXX! I know this is a bit random, as in not the same context as previous emails, but I just wanted to say thanks for all the great times we spent together. A lot of good memories. I’ve learned a lot from our relationship, and I’m moving on, and looking forward to what life holds. I hope we can still be friends down the road though, I really do. Anyway, I hope all is well with you, I’m sorry you think of me as you do 
“
Anyway, this morning I get a text from her, asking me if I had the spare key to her car? I replied to her that if I do it will be in storage, and I will go after the weekend, is that ok, she replied, thank you so much.
I know before we broke up she was thinking of changing her car, so maybe she needs the spare key, But you can bring a car into the dealer to trade in with a lost spare key and its fine. Or go get a new one for €65.
So is it:
She needs it as changing her car
She is using it as an excuse to meet up (despite telling me over the past month when I made the mistake of pleading with her etc) and talk
I’m very confused now on this. Blanked for a month, then I send that last night and this morning I get that text?
Woman’s minds! Totally wired different to ours.
I’m assuming you moved out and found your own apartment. Sorry for the troubles with the ex husband, but if you’ve known her and lived together, she would know there were lies being told. What other reasons did she give for the breakup? Looks like you’re moving on with a good attitude and good luck…
Just give her the spare car key and don’t stress about it.
Hi Patricia12
Thank you for responding.
I am the one who wants to fix this and sort it out, She is the one who blanked me for a month, and then I sent the clean slate email and the next day she text me about the key.
Her ex-husband is very manipulative, and as said used his own daughter. She knew the lies, and she knows what he said to their daughter, but he used the daughter and she could see the damage being done to her daughter, very cruel. The daughter was to give her an ultimatium by her father, either her mum lives with me or her, that’s how bad it got.
Yes, I moved out of the house, we both did, I couldn’t stay there as to many memories.
I’v no issue giving the key, But my confusion is, is she using it as an excuse to talk? Or just wants the key? She would never text to talk, I know that. Hence my confusion.
P.S. I’m in no contact mode right now, so when I replied, I said i’d look after the weekend, was that ok, she replied Ya sure, thanks so much. (as truthfully I don’t know if it is in storage or not, so I will have to go through, and she didn’t ask about the rest of her stuff which is storage with mine.
I think I’ll text her tomorrow, and ask where did she last see it (as I don’t remember seeing it when i was packing up the house), then I’ll go look for it, and if I find it I will ask her what she wants me to do with it? Post it or hand deliver it. If she says post it, then I will post it and continue No contact, and try move on.If she says hand deliver it, maybe go for dinner do it that way.
Does that sound ok?
Thanks for reply.
@decl23456 No, don’t text her tomorrow! Just look for the key after the weekend like you said. Then contact her to let her know whether or not you found it and what she wants you to do with her stuff in storage. If she wants her things, ask what arrangements she wants to make to get them back. You could suggest dinner, but not sure if she would consent…
So it seems the ex husband has turned the daughter against you. How old is the daughter? Strange again that the daughter would go along with the ultimatum if she knows you’re a good person and likes you!
Are there other reasons your ex and her daughter would want to part ways with you?
Hi Patricia12,
HI patricia12,
Yes, in their custody battle, they had to get a S47 done for the courts, the child psychologist told the mother, what came out in them, (along with putting in the report) that her father had told the daughter early on that Mummy had met a bad man, and mummy was sick, and the only way that mummy would get better would be to come home! The daughter is 12 with a mental age of 8 (Nuro damage in birth), and it went from there, each time the daughter would go to dad he would hound her on our home, and made her lie to her mother. I tried to stay out of it as best I could, but wanted to support the mother as much as I could. I suppose over time it just built up between both of us and the arguments happened, things were said by both, that both did not mean, but still said. It’s very sad that outside interference came between us, and that someone would alienate their own daughter. I had a good relationship with the daughter, or so I thought, but what I found out wa each time she went to dad he hounded her, brainwashed her etc etc. Very hurtful. SO I think the arguments, plus the damage being done to the daughter you know, and he will try get her back to the home now, and again use the child.
OK, thanks for the advise, I won’t text her tomorrow, I just don’t know why she text the day after I sent that email. That’s all.
There is nothing here that can not be fixed through talking and communicating really. Nothing In my opinion. But I have a stone wall in front of me, and trying to move on, but it is very very tough.
@decl23456 How did child protective services get involved?
You wrote:“…the only way that mummy would get better would be to come home!” What does come home mean? Where is home?
You wrote:“each time she went to dad he hounded her, brainwashed her etc etc.” What exactly do you mean by hounded and brainwashed? And what do you mean by made her lie? About what??
I don’t think it matters why she texted the day after you sent the email. You won’t know why unless she tells you. If you try to guess, it will drive you crazy and won’t help you.
If there’s a chance your ex could lose custody of her daughter if you all live together, I don’t think that’s something that could be fixed by “talking and communicating”…
Sorry, Not Child Protection Services, The S47 was done for the court, because the daughter needed additional schooling, plus her mother wanted to put her into play therapy for what the father was doing, the father refused to give consent, so the mother asked his consent be removed, so in the custody battle, the judge ordered a S47 report to be done regarding both those. Hope that is clearer.
No, there is not chance of losing the daughter, because the S47 report was all in our favour (I had to be a part of it also).
What i mean by hounding and brainwashing, the daughter told her mother what her father was doing and saying every time she went there. He would not stop, to the point the mother asked us three to sit down, and we both reassured her it would stop, then the mother asked him to stop but he wouldn’t, regardless of what it was doing to his daughter. He made her lie, for example one Friday the daughter was not in school the father said she was sick, put the daughter on the phone and she acted sick, the mother suspected, and drove past the house, and she was playing in the garden, nothing wrong with her, that’s one example. There are lot’s. She told her mother that they had a plan, and herself and her father had private chats on what she was to do, and say when with her mother. All to get her mother back. This only came out 1 month before we split up. She is a great kid, great heart, but needs play therapy. Which her mother and myself tried to get her into as fast as we could, but the father kept blocking it.
We split one month ago, and the final hearing was weeks away, with the S47 report 100% in our favour, and the judges (so we were told) do not go against experts, we were nearly home and dry, and all would stop, as there was consent removed, plus proof of alienation in the report. So if he continued he would have lost contact with his daughter (which no body wanted). We both knew that her father would not provide either, as he ever did, and I took her under my wing so to speak, and supported financially and emotionally. But it just got to much for her mother.
Very complicated situation, lot’s more in it. that took its toll.
@decl23456 Yes, it sounds like a very complicated situation. In the United States, a divorced father must pay child support. If he doesn’t he can be fined or go to jail. The threat of jail most often compels the parent to pay monthly support.
You wrote:“… the daughter told her mother what her father was doing and saying every time she went there.” What was the father doing and saying??
You didn’t answer what “come home” means. Where is the home you refer to? How is your ex getting along financially? I assume she has a job and is able to provide for herself and child…
I don’t know what lies the ex husband told about you, but apparently your ex believed them. She is angry and blames you for the difficulties and says you’re never getting back together. Wow! It seems it would be far easier for you to move on like you stated in your message to her!