My ex and I started dating in April of 2018 right as I was moving away (16 hours) for an internship. We made it through those four months and another two months when I got back but neither of us were happy. We had a mutual split. After about 2 months of no contact (unintentionally) I reached out and we ended up getting back together.
Things were a lot better the second time around, but we had some tough conversations. She felt like I wasn’t patient enough and understanding enough. She also felt like I was trying to argue everything. Additionally, I made some mistakes telling her she needed to get over some personal issues rather than being open to listening and supporting her.
Fast forward to May of 2019, we were growing together emotionally, but she felt a bit drained due to some tougher conversations we’d had.
She left on a trip to Brazil, while I moved away to the place I had my Internship. I thought we would do long distance for six months and then she would join me after she graduated.
We talked once while she was in Brazil (it was the only time she had service), and we were both pumped to see each other. When she got back we called each other and things started going wrong.
I said something that was a counterpoint to something she was telling me, when I should have just been listening to her trip. She got upset, and started to fixate on that conversation the next three weeks. At this point I had bought a plane ticket home for her birthday, but she decided to go ahead and end things anyway. She said she didn’t see how we could fix things with me in Texas and her at home.
When I got home, we hung out everyday (4 days) and the last day I was there I asked her to give it another chance. She said she wasn’t ready. We texted for a couple of days before she said she needed more time, and that it was my chance to be patient with her.
Three weeks passed before I reached out, because I had been expecting to hear from her. She said that she didn’t see how we were right for each other and that she is sorry but she didn’t want to get back together.
Here is where I started to make bigger mistakes.
I texted her, professed my love to her, and begged for another chance. We had a conversation on the phone where she said she could say I love you back anymore. After a week out back and forth, we quit talking for another week.
This time when I reached out, she said she couldn’t talk about it on the phone anymore. At that moment, I bought a same day plane ticket to fly home and try to fix things.
When i got there she was nervous, but warmed up as we talked. She kissed me and we held each other as we talked about life. At the end of the conversation she said she didn’t feel it anymore when we spoke.
We decided to meet the following day.
Before we met she told me she’d only meet if I could let go. I said I’d only meet if she came with the idea that we could actually fix things.
That day was bad. I was pushy. I begged, pleaded, said that I’d changed. Asked over and over and over again. I told her that it’s supposed to be us and that we could have something special. She kept saying not right now.
I told her I’d leave my job and move back. And she said I shouldn’t do that for her, because she couldn’t make any promises.
By the end of the conversation she said, I’m done with this, I’m going home. And she left.
I texted her that day and said that I was sorry for my behavior and that I would try to let go. She responded saying that she’s sorry things didn’t work out and that she hopes The best for me.
At this point, it had been two months since we had broken up originally and six weeks since I had flown home for her birthday. Now I took to the internet to find a solution, and i entered no contact.
I started looking for a job and found one pretty quickly. 6 weeks after that I sent her a message letting her know I’d be moving back into the area and that I wanted her to hear it from me instead of someone else. She didn’t respond.
During this time, I started seeing a relationship coach to try and work on my communication, empathy, and patience. I wanted to get the skills to rekindle and maintain the relationship. I also started hitting the gym everyday and really trying to improve myself.
When I got home, I didn’t hear from her. I ran into her at a coffee shop as I was leaving. I said hi and she said hi but that was it.
A couple days later I saw her in a coffee shop and went to say hi (even though I probably shouldn’t have). We had a short conversation that persisted of her saying “She’d forever be guarded around me” and that “we’d never date or hangout again”. This was in response to me asking if we were okay to interact, since we have many mutual friends. She said she had decided that awhile ago, and that’s the reason she didn’t respond to my earlier text. She said she’d already given me a second chance and we hadn’t workout out. She said she felt happier and healthier because we were no longer in the relationship. She said she changed her mind last time but wouldn’t come back this time.
I was kinda shocked. I expected her to at least agree to meet up with me. I made my fair share of mistakes, but I never intentionally did anything to hurt her.
The following day I found out that she had started seeing someone earlier that week (just casually dating).
It’s been another week since then. I’m struggling, because I know it makes sense to give up and move on, but I really believe her and I are supposed to be together.
I guess my question is: now that I’ve went and started to fix the things I needed to fix in the relationship, how can I get her to see that and open up to me again? I see her and her new guy at church each weekend and it’s eating me alive, because she won’t even look at me.
My relationship coach and I have focused a lot on self improvement and how to keep her if she comes back, but I’m looking for how I can reconnect with her in a way that will lower her guard. Obviously, I have to give her space and I made the mistake of not doing that well enough before. But when we see each other in group settings (anywhere between 4 and like 100 people) what do I do?
I’m honestly not sure it’s possible at this point, but I can’t shake this hope, even after she said never. I’ve also been trying to calm the anxiety that’s come with it, but I’ve not been doing a great job.