I made a huge mistake :(. So in the end i called her after missing her calls for basically a night and half the day. She asked me so what is it you have to be honest about thinking i slept with another girl. I said well it doesn’t matter cause she was shouting at me . She went mad and was asking. I ended up making a story up that back fired. I tried to make her jelous. I told her
"when i went to london i was talking to a girl no flirting or anything and i just felt guilty cause she was a female. There was no intention and i missed you so much, the break up was killing me and i just wanted to talk to you so i felt guilty. I said i want to be honest with you causw i wanted to tell you that i understand why we broke up and that i miss and still care about you deeply. "
We ended up arguing and bringing the past up and she said she didn’t believe me and she thinks there was more to it than that and i explained if there was i wouldn’t phone you and tell you. Anyway we basically went around in circles. She mentioned that i made her feel like shit for this long to tell me that. She was mad. She even said along the lines of well we can’t ever get back together if you’ve done this. So it seemed like she was thinking of it? She thought i did something and yeah it did make her jelous but in the end she said. “Well do what you want we’re not together so you’re free” but i knew she didn’t mean it so i was like don’t be like that. I know you care and she replied like i fucking obviously do. And around in cirncles again. She said she didn’t want to talk. So we hung up.
I didn’t want to just let her go like that, thinking i did something when quite clearly i didnt. So i went round to her house. She let me in. She almost smiled/smerked in a you’re so silly for coming here way and my instinct was to hug and kiss her forehead so i did.
We talked she was like why djd you come here i explained i cant have let you go away upset thinkjng i did something when really i was tryinf to tell you that i still care and stikl have feelings for you. I told her i wasnt here to win her back. But i do believe there is soemthing and normal i would walk away but i cant stop fightinf for you. She made if clear that at this very moment she was done. She told me that she is upset and that I’m always in the back of her mind but she said i shoudlnt have come here and she feels almkst like im forcing her to get back with her by showing up or texting her. She said she feels i havnr ler her breathe. She told me that she knows that it wont work and that she doesn’t have the same feelings for me anymore. But through out the night she either said " i know " or " i think" i don’t want to do this again either “at the moment” or just that on it’s own.
Then she said she doesn’t know if we will get back together or not but at that moment she feels like we can’t ever. She basically told me to stop fighting for her. We basically went round in circles. She wanted me to go but i couldn’t. I kept hugging and kising her and she felt uncomfortable.
We ended up talking about happy memories but it was mostly me although she did bring a couple up her self. And then she said this is how i want to end things. Onca good note. On a happy one. I broke down infronr of her more than once. And yeah it did look like iwas needy and almost begging. Then i again said i understand why it broke i mentioned i also felt in the back of my mind when ir was next goijg to break and that was on me heavy. I said i felt like there was so much to do yet so many experiences to experience together. I said i knew it was gettinf abit shit but i didn’t expect it as i said i thought it was goinf to pick up as we had so many plans together.i said you’ve started your new job im gojnf to university and i told her i thought it was going to be better now that wehave money to do things. I told her i was planning to go to book Amsterdam and that i was planning to go to London again with her. She said she didn’t plan this and that she thought the same but now she feels this way. I try to explain what went wrong and she said that want it and that " you’re not listening to what im saying. I’m done. I dont want to keep doing this. This is upsetting me and i dont want to keep talking about this. I wasn’t happy"
I asked her if there was some one else she said no. And i asked again you can tell me. In the end i said if there is some one else or you’re thinkjng of them then if that makes you happy I’m happy for you. Of course i didnt mean it. In my head i was thinking who this ryan person was. She said the same back to me instead of saying there wasnt.
In the end i made her make it clear that she was done and made her say it to me so i could walk away. She said right now i think i dont want to ever try again. I said think? You need to know then she said i know i don’t want to try again. Then I made her tell me to stop fighting for her so I could let her go and made her say it in a sentence together. She said i know i don’t want to try again and you need to stop fighting it.
I walked away. She watched me walk down the road. I tried to call a taxi but my connection was out so i phoned her to ask for a taxi number. I asked her if she was ok she said yeah. She gave me the number without wanting to say in person. She texted me it. I then said you know what i dont get why im not angry with you. You dumped me on my Birthday after christmas. You dumped be when college was ending and now just before university. I said i cant belive it and i kept fightinf for you. She replied she didnt mean to do so and why i was being like this. I said i dont know im sorry im just deeply hurt. She said well i cant keep doing this so she said i need to go. She said see you later as a good bye i replied and laughed well you wont see me later will you. Then she said ok Bye.
She made me feel like there was a chance. She got jelous and mad showing all signs that she cared. I even told her that she said she was thinkinf about us getting baxk together but now there wasnr a chance cause she said she didn’t think that was the full story with the girl and i told her thats why i came round to show you nothing went on that i care about you. She denied sayinf that on the phone…
I don’t get it. She showed different feelings. Have i honestly lost her for good? She seemed so cold. Yeah she cried a couple times but didn’t seem upset as me. She made me feel like I was worth nothing. She makes me feel small like she’s above me. I think i really have lost her this time. What are your thoughts? What should i do? I still love her very much wnd do honestly think it COULD work. But she doesn’t feel the same. But she did show she cared. I don’t get it. She even changed her facebook picture today. It’s like shes moving on. I feel the worst I’ve ever felt. I understand that our relationship took alot out of us and it was a very big part of our lives…
I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know who to ask. What to do. I’m breaking down worst than ever. I almsot hate my self. I miss her so much.