Broke up with my ex 2 months ago and made many mistakes after

reconciliation
1

My ex and I were together for a year and a half. I broke up due to a small argument that escalated due to both of us being tired of this. We would both not give each other the way during arguments, communicated poorly and had lots of misunderstanding linger for too long. I broke up with her on the 13th of feb, and on valentines I acted like a child and ignored her, I regret it deeply. Few days later I met up with her to try to resolve our issue but I told her that I’m still thinking of whether do I want to get back or not. This got her angry as she thought I was here to apologise and felt that I played her, I manage to talk things out but things were still bitter.

Few days later we went out on a date but during the date she said that she had no intention of getting back which made me mad and we argued and I called her names. After that horrible night and argument, I stopped contacting her but she texted me back 2 days later to talk about random stuff, we argued days later as she said I was insecure when she posted stuff on her instagram so I questioned her about it. I also tried not contacting her but she got angry about it and said that she misses me and wants to remain as friends. I did not want to but I thought I could get her back this way.

It has been 2 months since and during these 2 months I continued doing everything that this article told me not to do, I stayed in contact with her thinking I had a chance if I just apologized and said I would change. We argued a few times during this period because I kept saying I would put in the effort and change but I did not, I kept saying goodbye but came back because I couldn’t move on. Worst thing was I found out she was talking to someone in the beginning of march, I got super panicky and desperate that I tried asking her about it but got shut down. I then said goodbye again to her and the next day I did my last ditch attempt to get back together. I sent her a text addressing all the wrongs that I did and realized my mistakes and that I have change and will do everything to treat her better.

This obviously did not work but we manage to keep talking for a month from 24th of march to 17th of april. We met a few times from the break up till then but my actions were the same, I looked at her with sad eyes showing that I was sad and I missed her so much. On the 17th of march, we got into a small fight because I showed annoyance when she got annoyed at me, which was the deciding factor as I’ve told her I have improved on being able to talk things out or calm her down when she’s angry. I texted her the next 2 days but did not get a response and when she replied she told me she is done with me for real and asked me to move on and that she will never get back into this toxic relationship(compared to the start where she said now is not the time but maybe if we give each other space we could be together again). I also found out that the overseas guy she was talking to had progressed to a LDR in during this period from 10 apr to 17 apr when I showed her I did not change and acted as if she was still my gf expecting a reply and pushed for her to reply.

Her attention towards me slowly died down as she got closer to the other guy. Everytime we argued I felt that I pushed her more to confide with the other guy and now she totally cut me off and told me to move on. (Yes, I talked to her about being in a LDR the other guy and kinda freaked out, she got angry and said its none of my business). Today is day 1 of me trying to move on, what should I do? Am I in a bad spot to start no contact? I’m pretty sure this is a rebound as it’s a LDR and our country is pretty small. But these 2 months I tried several times to get her back, so if I do no contact would I still stand a chance? I discovered this article very late and I deeply reflected on my actions and how I would improve on myself during no contact.

Important things to note:
We broke up on 13th feb.
She said she missed me and still has feelings on 6th of march.
Around this period she began talking with new guy
From here till now her attention on me reduced gradually to zero and it’s now all on her new LDR boyfriend.
Day 2 of no contact for me and I do not feel as sad, obsessed and insecure already.

Do I still stand a chance if I do no contact properly? Has she already moved on because she is sick of the way I acted and the time period that we broken up from. I genuinely want to improve not for her but for the better and my feelings for her are very strong.

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@Brandonh WOW, she said it was a toxic relationship and it was! Way too much arguing! Arguing is one of the main reasons for breakups. Continue no contact and maybe she will start to miss you. But if you don’t keep no contact, nothing will change for the better. Work on yourself and try to figure out why these arguments start so often and then escalate. Minimize social media activity and try not to worry about the LDR. She is apparently getting along with him and has bad memories of you. Therefore, keep no contact…

I suggest you read articles on proper conflict resolution.

3

Yea, I know there was way too much arguing. We both couldn’t communicate properly and I would always get angry because she throws a lot of tantrums. But I believe we both have so much to grow. I have been improving on my patience and temper, such as meditating from 20 mins or more a day now. I already know why the arguments happen, but have not given myself enough time away to work on them, reflecting back on all of my past mistakes with no bias. I also am not so worried about the LDR as I understand why she is doing that, as a result of my actions during post break up, she had to fill up the hole with something. However, part of me fears that by me being in contact with her for 2.5 months post breakup, it helped her move on even quicker, what do you think?

Also, how long should I do no contact for? My current plan is until 1st June which is the end of lockdown for my country, around that week we would have to meet as I have to take my formal attire from her. So I plan to write an elephant in the room letter and give it to her that day. Is that too short? I see that no contact ends differently when the ex has someone already.

Thank you

4

@Brandonh No, I don’t think being in contact post breakup helped her to move on quicker.

Continue no contact for at least a month and much longer would be better because there were way too many toxic interactions! Also it will take some time for you to learn anger management. You could send the elephant in the room letter in June. If she doesn’t improve the way she interacts, nothing will change and any relationship she has in the future will become toxic.

I get the feeling that you’re both very young… Stay safe even after the lockdown ends.

5

Hey Brandon!

I am in the exact same boat, ex actually came back to me after 1 month of no contact back in Jan, I was extremely desperate so I jumped right back into the exact relationship, the relationship was very short lived, we got back together by the 20th Jan, and he said he doesn’t want a relationship no more around the beginning of March.

I pleaded a friends with benefits deal, that only lasted a week before he started pulling away again cause I was ‘acting like his girlfriend’, then I pulled more ‘tricks’ including giving him a lot of gifts, offered to do his groceries shopping while he was in quarantine(I am still working)etc, our ‘situationship’ were great at one point for a week or two (mid/end March), but I want a relationship and a future while he doesn’t, I did my final attempt on the 5th of April asking where he sees us in 3 months, he said ‘friends’. I told him I won’t be able to be friends and I would need him to leave me alone for me to heal if he doesn’t want anything serious, and he agreed.

After 3 weeks of strict no contact, I found out he was on a dating app, I casually reached out tried to catch up but he was clearly playing games, the conversation lasted 2 days on and off but he seemed very much disinterested.

I am back in indefinite no contact now, today is also my second day. I also feel somewhat less anxious. Keep us posted with your situation!! It sounds like there s a lot of passion. I would be keen to think she s gonna come back to you soon!

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Thank you for the reply. To be honest I was losing faith and wavering as my friends and her friends were telling me they she had already moved on with the new guy, I realise that I have to be confident and trust that our relationship was a meaningful one and not dwell on it.

Yes I’m 21 and she’s 20, we are still young and that’s why I see so much potential in growth. I will trust no contact and continue to better myself in time to attract her back!

7

Hey, few days have past and I am losing confidence. our mutual friends has been telling me to just move on because I won’t get her back. I’m really confused on what my mindset should be. What is the difference of accepting the breakup versus moving on? If I move on does it mean that I no longer have the need to contact her?

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@Brandonh Acceptance is agreeing with the breakup and that it happened for a good reason. Moving on is acceptance plus moving forward with your life and no desire to go back to that particular relationship with valid sensible reasons as to why it isn’t a good idea to go back…

If you move on after giving it serious thought, you will no longer want to contact her because you know it’s for the best for yourself and for her even though there might be fleeting doubts, you proceed with confidence you’ve done the right thing…

9

I’m really lost on what to do. I have reflected on all the problems in the relationship and come to terms with it, however I feel that there could be so much more. And how she told me 2 months back that she was not ready to jump back into a relationship, that maybe we could understand each other given time.

I’m unsure whether I should reach out with a letter at the end of NC, will it not reset my absence from her?
And should I contact her about getting my clothes from her in advance?

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@Brandonh You could send a letter after NC, but somewhere in the letter you should also let her know how important it is that you both need to interact with each other in respectful and kind ways in order to possibly have a better happier relationship in the future. Then depending on her reaction to the letter, you could make up your mind as to whether to try reconciliation or move on…

11

Got it. This past few days had been going well as I do not feel the anxiety at all anymore. Seems like my mind has accepted things as it is. I wanted to ask a question, as graduation is coming up. She told me before that she wanted flowers for graduation, and even after we broke up she did mention it. Is it okay if I send her some to her house? It can be anonymous or not. Or should I wait until no contact is over to send?

Note: This isn’t send as a romantic thing, just as friends and it’s something I promised her before.

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@Brandonh Yes, it would be nice to send graduation flowers to her house. The card could have a simple message like “Congratulations”. Don’t send red roses!

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I sent flowers and a short note and she posted on her story saying thanks for sending these flowers. I then received a text from her asking if I was the one that sent it and I said yea. She said “thanks, received” kinda coldly and ask why I didn’t put my name down. I replied, "I figured that you wouldn’t wanna see my name and that we still need space and time apart, so yea. She replied, “ok, thanks. Very pretty”. And I said “I’m glad you liked it”.

I took this chance to tell her that I bought a gift for her a few weeks ago (before no contact) so that she isn’t suprised again and thinks I’m constantly sending her stuff which breaks no contact in her mind. The convo carried on for a few texts with me just responding to her, with the same level of energy (a little cold like strangers). I then quickly ended off saying I had to get back to work.

Did I break no contact? I didn’t reach out and didn’t mention about us except for the reason I kept anonymous.

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@Brandonh You should’ve put your name on the note!! Sending the flowers anonymously was childish. And I wonder if you sent them early? When is her actual graduation day?

She was polite and that’s enough for now. Yes, no contact was broken. Start over…

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I didn’t put my name because I thought it would break no contact if I send her stuff during it.
Nope, I sent it on the actual day. Both of us were supposed to graduate together, but she didn’t say anything to me. It’s alright though.

How was no contact broken? Is it because I responded to her or the flowers that broke it.

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@Brandonh You wrote:“I didn’t put my name because I thought it would break no contact if I send her stuff during it.” That is ridiculous! Sending flowers and not adding your name was rude and unkind as she wondered who sent them.

Sending the flowers broke no contact, but it was a very nice thing to do. If you had added your name, she would’ve probably sent a thank you and that would have been the end of it! Also sending messages back and forth broke no contact… Start no contact again!

17

I see. I understand that was a bad decision. It’s enough that she appreciated it though. Adding my name would shorten our interaction a lot, I did not think of it this way. Will be starting no contact again!

However, seeing her response I’m not sure how no contact would really affect her behaviour towards me. Not enough time has passed right?

18

@Brandonh Both of you would have to be willing to change the way you interact with each other. Just start no contact again and try not to overthink everything!

Congratulations to you for graduation:)

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Could I ask an honest question. I honestly feel that she has completely moved on and that she actually monkey branched off me into a rebound relationship. I forgot about this fact but, we broke up on 13 feb. And during the times I was stalking I found out they started talking online around early february before we broke up. All these signs show that she monkey branched with me and when we broke up she hang around until she was sure of the new guy before letting me go completely.

I learnt of the difference between a rebound vs monkey branching recently. Could you share your thoughts on this? I was doing really well until I remembered that they started talking while we were still together and I got cheated on in the past which honestly is messing me up inside.

20

@Brandonh After you broke up with her on Feb 13th, you two met up to try to resolve the issues, but you told her that you’re still thinking of whether or not you want to get back with her. Apparently you didn’t apologize for your part in the breakup at that time… A few days later you went on a date with her and she said she had no intention of getting back. You two argued and you called her names. Then you stayed in contact with her and apparently apologized and said you would change, but you didn’t. You also kept saying goodbye and yet came back.

Apparently you were doing things to upset her for some time prior to the breakup and there was way too much arguing. This was an unhappy toxic relationship for both of you! It’s immature and disrespectful to call someone names! Never do it again…

I don’t know if she was monkey branching or not, but maybe she was and for a fairly good reason. Try not to overthink if she did this or not, just make self-improvements!

Read up on anger management; over time and as you get older, you will learn how to properly interact with partner and learn better communication skills.

Continue no contact!