Dear All,
I am really hurting and I really hurt a great girl I hate myself for it and really could use some good advice.
I met a girl online, who lives in a different country. We are both in Europe so it is not that far. We talked intensely all the time for 3 months. We then met and traveled together for 6 weeks. It was a wonderful time , the best in my life. However, I was also moving to a new country, I usually work on contracts and had a lot on my mind.
We talked about our dreams and about having a family together and how we would organize our life.
At the same time I started to need a little space for myself as I was working long hours and she was with me 24/7. I have never lived with a woman before so this was a big change for me. However, I did not communicate this too her.
She went back to her own country to tie up loose ends and then we talked about moving in together. I then told her I have some concerns and need time to think. At this time I was getting advice from my ex, who has been divorced twice about what not to do in the relationship.
We met after 5 weeks apart and I realize I do love her. However, I got a call last Saturday while we were having dinner from a real estate agent. A female. My girlfriend was automatically suspicious. I told her I have no relationship with this real estate agent although I do think she likes me. But there is nothing happening there.
Next day I went to work and forgot my phone at home. My girlfriend went though my phone and my text message. She found my text with my ex, that went back a couple years and read them and our conversation about my relationship with my current girlfriend. She was very upset, said the relationship is over and flew back home the next day. We talked all night and I attempt to convince her that she is the woman for me. But she left. That was Wednesday.
I sent her two letters since and she texts me and called me last night.
I want to get her back and read the 5 step plan article, however, have sent her two letters since before I read it.
I do care for her and I know she has a bad relationship with her family, which she refuses to talk to me about, and is living with a friend which is very uncomfortable for her. I do want to bring her comfort and safety.
(She just texted me again asking me how my work is going as I write this) Like me, she has issues with abandonment as we both come from broken homes. But I realized this just recently. I would like to get her back and we could resolve our issues together. We both have had sparse relationships in the past. And she told me she broke up with her last boyfriend 7 years ago because he would have coffee with female friends/ co-workers and she thought this is unacceptable.
I have also sabotaged relationships in the past.
Very confused here if the no contact for a month is right for me as it would really hurt her…not sure what to do…
Spencer
She is a;so texting me a lot and I am encouraging her being involved with me, she also wants to skype…Any advice on this painfull dilemma would be greatly appreciated.
Basically, you can’t get to really know and understand someone within a few months. Over time, each makes an assessment as to whether they’re compatible or not. That’s why most people wait for a year or more to become engaged. The fact that she quickly became suspicious of a real estate agent and then got upset and broke up with you after she saw the text messages, are big red flags. I understand her abandonment issue, but obviously she hasn’t worked through it. Until she does, she will continue to have trust issues. And living together without knowing her better, is not a wise choice! If you can text and/or Skype for a few months to try and calmly discuss your issues and then maybe spend more time in person before living together or considering marriage, that would be the smart way to go…
Hi Patricia,
Thank you so much for your advice. I did want to slow things down but she is unhappy with her situation in her home country and is considering moving to another country. I feel under a lot of pressure to make this decision quickly, either to live with her now or lose her as she is informed me she “needs to have a goal” and is very uncomfortable living with her current living situation ( living in a friends basement without a kitchen, own bathroom etc…). I do miss her and wish to take care if her however living together is a big jump right now.
We did decide today to take a 1 week break and not contact each other then we will discuss where we are…
Thank you again,
Any further advice on my situation would be greatly helpful…
Hi Spencer, Where is her country and where is yours? And what other country is she considering going to? How old are you both? Does she have a career? Does she want to continue an education? Okay, I know most men like to help women, but asking her to live with you to “save” her is extreme! You are under no obligation to do so, and some women take advantage of a man in that regard. She is the one who made the decision to leave you and although her present living situation makes her unhappy, it could be worse and she should try to adjust to it, instead of trying to make you feel guilty. Her informing you that she ‘needs to have a goal’ is a way to put pressure on you and make you feel sorry for her. She should make her own decision on what her goals are for her own life. I know you miss her, but please think carefully about this. You don’t want to make a choice you will come to regret.
Patricia thank you for your reply. I am in France and she is in Germany. She is considering moving to Australia. I am 35 and she is 27, she wants to continues her education but no she does not have a career to lean back on. I would support her 100 percent. I don’t really mind doing so. She mainly wants a family quickly. We had a wonderful time for 6 months or so, now everything seems to be slipping away.
Hi Spencer, Three of those 6 months were apparently chatting online, am I right? And remember the reasons everything is slipping away. Again, you don’t know each other very well. She is old enough to fend for herself! She must also have family and friends who can help her. Although you’re willing to support her, it’s not your responsibility and you may live to regret it if she doesn’t change her temperament. Why not take the time to converse about issues in email and Skype. Maybe even if she goes back to France, she could get a job and her own apartment. Then you could date properly and over time, decide if you’re compatible and if you would be happy living under the same roof. Wonder why she would consider going to Australia? Does she have anyone there who knows her. Even if she goes there, you can stay in touch. I just feel like you’re wanting to jump too quickly into a situation that might not be in your best interest in the long run. This sounds harsh, but maybe think of finding someone nice close by with a better character. Maybe you’re just lonely. I don’t know, but whatever you decide, I pray it will be the best thing for YOU.
Patricia,
Thank you again.
Yes the first three months of our relationship was talking via Skype and on the phone. That is how we got to know each other. We thought is was sufficient to meet after this time. She does not have a lot of support and has a very bad relationship with her family and does not want to talk about it…a red flag. I think she consider moving to Australia to be as far away from her family as she can. However, she can’t really support herself so she is in a bind. We are going through a one week of no contact before that happened I did however write letters to her but I am not going to respond to her texts until the one week is up or more.
Anyone can get a job and support themselves and even find room-mates to split apartment rental. Curious she would threaten to move to Australia if she says she can’t support herself. Wondering if she has a job and pays rent to the people she’s staying with in Germany. So she’s 27 and also wonder who’s been supporting her financially since she graduated for high school (for 9 years). I know you feel sorry for her, but don’t let that blind you to reality.
What is the purpose of your no contact?
Hi,
the purpose of my no contact is just to take a break and calmly things about it. To give it time instead of moving very fast and to not let emotions cloud my judgement. She , however, wishes to move fast. She currently does not have a job and is living off savings and unemployment. I
Hi Spencer, I know I’m trying to discourage you from “saving” this girl, but it seems she is the type of person who uses people. It seems she’s moving fast (even though you haven’t known each other very long) because she sees an opportunity to take advantage of you. She sees that you’re a kind person and have feelings for her and she will take that and run with it. There are women in this world who are too lazy to support themselves and will latch onto any guy who wants to help them. I pray I’m wrong about this, but it’s my opinion from what you’ve written.
Wishing you the best…
Patricia, thank you.
She is communicating with me that I have given up on our relationship and she is the only one fighting for it. She did not keep the one week agreed upon rule but told me I can take off as many weeks as I like. ahhh…what a mess.
Thanks again.
Hi Spencer, My suspicions about her are even more confirmed now! Even though the week of no contact was agreed upon, she’s the one who broke it. The things she said are ploys, more or less threats, to get you to hurry up and take her back. She’s afraid of losing her “meal ticket”. She’s too lazy to stand on her own two feet and would prefer taking advantage of someone who would support her. It doesn’t matter if it’s you or someone else. She’s a classic freeloader who takes advantage of people. Did you fall into her trap and reply to her?
Yes, it’s a mess, but it can easily be fixed by you forgetting about her and moving on… It’s that simple, unless you just want more heartbreak and trouble. If you’re prepared for the inevitable consequences, go ahead and take her back, but don’t say I didn’t warn you, lol.
Patricia,
Yes I did reply. Now that you brought it up I do recall her making many plans but not much has come off it. Not even the basics such as updating a resume. Always an excuse why it cant be done. and she does like to sleep late…
OMG! I can’t believe you fell for her trick. What did you reply, if I may ask? She’s desperate and only wants to get you hooked so you can take care of her. She’s playing the victim role to work on your sympathy (feelings).
I don’t feel sorry for her and you shouldn’t either…
I told her that I do have feelings for her but that I do not appreciate her mocking and accusatory statements and this is something she will need to reconsider if she wants to have a relationship with me. …haven’t heard from her since.
I have not heard anything from her at all. This is long for her, maybe she is re-instituting the no contact,
Don’t worry, it’s only been a day or so, you’ll hear from her. I’m positive of that… I hope all works out the best for you.