Broke up after 8 years

reconciliation
1

Hello everyone, I just wanted to share my story with other people in order to vent and maybe receive advice if there are chances of us getting back together.

So long story short we are both in our early 30s and we broke up last week after 8 years of being together.

The reason of our breakup was that although, as she told me, she loved me with all her heart and considered me her soul mate, she had lost any physical attraction towards me. However there were no changes in my body or appearence.

Moreover she had recently moved from her parents’ house to living alone. Although I asked her to live together she insisted on staying alone for at least a few months since she was feeling oppressed by everything going on in her life and needed to feel free.

The first signs of change came about one year prior to our breakup. During that time some major changes happened to her life like going to live alone and getting a promotion, which caused her to work frequently 12 hour shifts on a very stressfull and physically exhausting job. Needless to say, she rarely had energy to do anything after her shift was over.

Now let me say a few things about myself. I loved her more than anything, even more than myself. I constantly was putting my desires in second place in order to please her, which I believe was the worst mistake I did. We almost never fought mainly because I was constantly backing off if we ever had an argument.

Our time together was incredible. She was my best friend and I was hers. Our main source of argument was the future. She was not ready to live together or get married let alone having kids, which I was dreaming about my future. Her reasoning was that since I was her first relationship she felt she never had lived her life and didn’t know if she would ever feel ready to settle down and make a family. She felt that she was holding me back because she knew what my dreams were.

During our last year together I had seen the signs which I was constantly ignoring since I did not want to believe that our relationship was having trouble. The frequency of us having sex was constantly getting lower and lower, it was always me initiating anything intimate like hugging and kissing.

I asked her twice in this year to break up because I was feeling the physical rejection but she declined both times because she believed we could fix what she was feeling. As she said, and I believe her, she loved me and she had an incredible time with me. She just had lost her attraction towards me.

I have ruled out the possibility of an affair, firstly because we spent every second of her free time together (she did not have any friends besides her sister and a couple of coworkers with which she was going out once per month) and secondly because it was not in her character to do something like that. However I can not rule out the possibility that she had flirted or even fallen in love with someone.

So last week after rejecting my advances twice both on Sunday and on Tuesday, I confronted her and gave her an ultimatum that either we break up or we move forward together. After two days she asked me to meet her and told me that although she had tried with all her heart to change the way she was seeing me, she could not and that it could not change if we stayed together.

I believe I am past the denial phase of the break up. In the past week I have felt more pain that I ever thought was humanly possible but with the help of friends and family I can clearly see now that our relationship for the past year was on life support.

I do not blame her for anything. I can not blame her for the way she was feeling. We both made mistakes but due to inexperience (we both were each others first) could not recognise them.

I have cut all my ties to her (facebook, instagram, etc.) and started going to gym as well as went to a dietologist in order to change my image and help me get my confidence back.

Part of me want to move on, but another part wants me to change my image completely so in one year or so if I still have feelings for her, I could pursue us getting back together (or showing to her what she has lost).

What I do not know is if we spend that much time apart could rekindle her attraction towards me.

Please let me know if I can provide any more information since I can not possibly fit everything into a single post.

2

@johnsk
She never experienced living on her own away from her parents and being an independent woman until about a year ago. And she never experienced any other relationship except the one she had with you. She probably felt she missed out on the fun and excitement of dating various guys. It also sounds like she wants to prove to herself that she can support herself and find that pride from doing so as an independent woman. So it seems her dream is to be free and independent. And not wanting marriage and children at this point in her life, she felt she was robbing you of your dream. In addition to those thoughts, she got a promotion and was working long shifts at a stressful job and she was exhausted mentally and physically. All these factors entered into her decision to break up because she was overwhelmed by the sum total of all of it. When she said she wasn’t physically attracted to you anymore, it’s probably not because of your looks or body, but the other factors you represent when she looks at you.

Going to the gym and trying to change your body image is great if that’s what you want to do, but it won’t necessarily be a reason whether or not she might want to get back with you in the future. Thinking that you would “show her what she lost” is the wrong attitude. She loves you deeply and you were together 8 years so those feelings won’t fade anytime soon. She just wants to live out her own dream for now. I feel very confident in saying some time in the future you two could rekindle your attraction for each other. In the meantime, you need to go on with your own life and also think about dating other women over the period of time you’re apart. She will probably do the same and it will give you both a better perspective as to who and what it is you both want.

3

Hello Patricia and thank you for your advice.

You know what you said is exactly what her sister told me (with which I still keep in touch, since her and her husband were our closest friends during our relationship). She said that it had nothing to do with the way I looked and that she felt the need to live some things.

As for what I said about wanting to show to her what she lost, I did not mean that. As I said I do not blame her for our breakup and have not any bad feelings towards her. Maybe it’s something I said to myself in order to lessen the pain. But you are right it is a wrong attitude. It’s just that it just sucks you know. And it hurts so much.

I have promised to myself that I will move on and live my life.