"Breakup", Reconciliation, Real Breakup...

no-contact-rule
1

My ex and I have known each other for 12 years. We coached together for 5 years building an amazing team that felt more like a family. We shared an incredible chemistry, and in the last two years of working together, began to realize deeper feelings and love for each other.

We each helped each other through terrible breakups in order to be together. Mine took a while longer to end.

Anyway, we were together for the last year, but I continued to struggle with shame, guilt, and fear of what other people would think of us.

I told her I needed some more time to figure things out about 2 months ago. She said that was fine, and that she’d keep her heart open to being with me, but would also stay open to others.

We stayed in touch, texting and calling daily. A week or so later she began dating a new guy. I tried to play cool and congratulated her. After a long time thinking and finally not caring what friends or family would think, I told her I was ready for more than friendship.

She replied that she wanted to move on and that things were going great with the new guy.

I kind of melted down at this point, ended up writing a letter to her with all my thoughts, love, regrets, and basically my soul. I delivered it to her personally ( we’ve been long distance for several months. I’m working on getting back into the area asap).

This seemingly worked, and she got back together with me. Things were amazing between us and we were reconnecting… For about a month. We had an intense conversation about her fears that my friends and family wouldn’t accept her, and that a future path looked difficult. I tried to reassure her that we’d figure it out. A few days later, when I went to visit her she said she felt emotionally unstable and needed to stick with her original decision. It didn’t seem to be an easy one for her… She was very emotional (she usually isn’t), we embraced, and left it at that. No fighting, just a lot of emotion and confusion.

I’ve been doing no contact now for 7 days, been working hard on stabilizing, and have made a lot of realizations on how my own insecurities led to our downfall. It’s tough though. I imagine she’s back with the other guy, not sure since she doesn’t use social media.

I’m looking for general advice, and also wondering if I did nothing but strengthen the bond she has with the new guy. I’m also thinking that the letter I wrote temporarily guilted her. What are the chances NC will still work considering they split and are now back together? Thanks in advance…

2

Why was there a fear about what other people would think? Why would either of you think that family and friends wouldn’t accept her? If she’s happy with the other guy now, the no contact thing would be more for you to try and understand what went wrong in the relationship and try to improve yourself in those areas to make a future relationship better, whether with her or someone else.

3

The fear mostly revolved around family/friends not accepting her because she assumed they’d blame her for breaking me up with my previous relationship, which lasted 8 years, and my family loved her. I stayed with her a long time because of this, guilt, and not really knowing how to end things well. Needless to say, I learned a lot from this whole experience.

4

I’m so glad you learned the lesson of not continuing a relationship because of family feelings and not your own. There’s no good way to end a relationship, it always hurts! By the way, it just seems odd you would be in any relationship for 8 years and not get married. Anyway, you didn’t do anything to strengthen the bond with the other guy, it was her own decision. But maybe not the greatest decision as you mentioned she felt emotionally unstable, which means confused. I think it was wonderful and sweet of you to write her a beautiful love letter. Now she has something in her hands she can look at and reflect back on the good relationship you had together. No way to know if no contact will work or not, but continue because it’s maybe the best for you and her at this time.
I’m on your side and wish you well:)

5

Thanks for the encouraging words Patricia, it means a lot. As for the 8 year long relationship… we did eventually get engaged, as I was getting a lot of pressure from just about everyone around me. I didn’t have the strength to break it off, so ended up cheating on her… then feeling incredibly guilty, coming clean, and then enduring a long, drawn out, and emotionally and physically draining breakup. It took me until a few months ago to finally let go of the guilt and shame, and feel stable again.

6

Wow, that’s a heartbreaking story. More for her than you. But understand why you felt guilty. Wish you had ended it prior to the engagement and cheating on her. You said you didn’t know how to end things well with her and it might be you didn’t want to hurt her, but by doing what you did, it hurt her a thousand times more than if you would have just had a discussion about your true feelings and then ended the relationship. Did you cheat on your prior ex with your current ex? Oh my, it’s getting complicated here, lol. Anyway, even though it’s difficult, continue no contact with the current ex. She may reach out to you soon rather than later if she becomes disenchanted with the new boyfriend.

7

I think that was my logic… I didn’t want to hurt her; never wanted to. That’s another reason why I stayed with her so long. Of course I realize that in the end, what I did destroyed her so much worse. That adds to the guilt lingering so long. And yes, I did cheat on prior ex with current ex…very complicated. Thank you - I appreciate you trying to understand the story.