I’ve been with Max for almost a year and a half now. Max has been lovely, caring, funny, and all things good. However, much of our relationship has been rocky due to the fact that I am suffering from depression, which has been going on for years since I was in my teen. I have never turned to any form of medication as I thought it was bearable until last year, when things took an ugly turn when I cut myself.
Whilst things can get pretty good when we’re both in our good mood (we share similar taste in humor, music, films, and views on the world), they turn sour when I wasn’t in my best. I tend to hide behind my passive aggressive shield, lash out at him, cry and do other things that hurt him. The worst part came when he caught me doing self-harm several months ago and that changed everything, including the way he was feeling towards me. However, we talked about it and that was when we decided that I should go for counseling and start taking anti-depressants. After a while everything got ok, until we got into a long distance relationship last December as I had to travel to a different country for work purpose. I got hit by another depression again last January and kept expecting his attention, which was hard for him as his job requires a lot of his time and energy, added by his own problems relating to his finance. We got into another big fight again, to the point where he can’t take it anymore and decided to call it quits as he said he felt more like a carer than a partner.
On that night when we had our final conversation, he told me that we should stop contacting each other for 90 days and that we need to make the most of our time and space by working on ourselves. He told me not to expect any form of reconciliation as we both had tried our best in doing what we can throughout the relationship, and that once we start to contact, we should stay as friends.
It has been 2 weeks since we broke up. Out of all relationships I’ve been in, I find this one to be the most meaningful and genuine. I realize that a lot of the problems happening in our relationship had been me not being able to address my past baggage properly and for that, I hold myself responsible. However, I would love to get back together with him once I return to Canada next month as I still care a lot about him and I do love him.
I am in a very similar situation, and what you want to do is get over your depression, definitely. Therapy and anti-depression meds have gotten rid of my depression and suicidal thoughts, and now I can be pretty happy on my own (although not as happy as if I was with her…).
Since it sounds like the depression was the cause of the break-up - I know it was the only reason in my case - if you fix it, the two of you should easily get back together after three months. Also, I don’t want to give you false hope, but it sounds to me like maybe he heard some things about relationships and is implementing the No Contact rule specifically so you can fix your depression. Saying that you won’t get back together and should stay as friends sounds like a bluff so that you’ll work on you instead of just waiting for him. So do what he wants and make yourself feel better! If you don’t harm yourself at all during this period, and get a better mood (it took about two months for my meds to really start working), he will almost certainly want you back at the end of this.
Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. I doubt if he ever wants to get back together as he clearly stated that he does not believe in giving a relationship with the same person a second chance. He also said tat after the 3 months no contact period, we should only stick as friends and that I should not expect something more.
So, I am wondering if there are any possibilities for me to change his mind as I believe that what we went through before had a lot to do with my unstable emotions, which I am fixing at the moment.
Don’t worry about changing his mind, since he probably doesn’t even know what he’s thinking. Seriously, it’s impossible to trust anything an ex says after a breakup. They could be putting on a front, or making themselves believe what they say even if it’s not true. If your depression was the real problem in the relationship and you can get over it, it makes sense that the two of you will get back together. However, don’t tell him that you’re not depressed anymore or try to date him immediately. These things will drive him away. Make a couple changes in your life that show him that you’re doing better, so that he can see it with his own two eyes.
Just make sure to not make the same mistakes I did and beg and plead for him to get back with you. If you don’t come across as needy during this time, he’ll start missing you and being attracted to you, whether he admits it or not.
Problem is, we lived together for a few months before I left Canada and all my things are still in his place. Will return to the country next month and need to get all of my belongings. I still want to see him face to face, with the hope of talking to him into giving another chance. So, how do I go about doing this? We haven’t been in contact for over 2 weeks now and I am really nervous about going back and having to face him as I know for sure that I can’t have so much expectations.
Unfortunately, talking about the relationship will only make you seem needy, like you can’t move on. My ex broke up with me because being with me started to be work for her instead of fun, and she was scared I would commit suicide. Trying to get her back only pushed her far, far away until the point where she no longer allows me to contact her in any way :(.
Your path here is very simple: First, beat your depression and become someone you enjoy being. If you like yourself, he will probably like you even more. Once you get back to Canada, don’t talk about your feelings, or about getting back together. Even if he tells you he wants to go back to dating you, tell him that that sounds like a great idea, but you still need a little space to continue working on yourself. Be friendly with him, but don’t be afraid to set down boundaries or demand NC - you being assertive and confident will probably make you more attractive to him, anyway.
If you haven’t already started, go out and do new things, make new friends, get new hobbies, etc. Anything that pushes you out of your comfort zone will help you gain confidence and get closer to your goal. Take anti-depression meds, and if after about two months you don’t feel better, change the brand. The first medicine I tried actually made me feel nothing and become suicidal, but the second really made an incredible difference for me. When you hit the point where you feel like you COULD date others if this doesn’t work out - even if you don’t want to - you know that you’ve become a very strong person emotionally.
When you get back to Canada, continue NC if you’re still depressed and needy, but once you hit the point I just mentioned, you can talk to him. Be friendly for a few weeks, and show him how you’ve changed, without telling him anything more than: “I really feel a lot better about myself compared to a few months ago.” Just don’t let him think you’re trying to impress him, or that your goal is a relationship. Just let him be impressed by being yourself. Then, he might ask you out, or you can invite him to do something, just the two of you. Move the relationship slowly at first, and keep in mind that this isn’t a continuation of the old relationship; you are a new person and you’re starting a new relationship with this person.