Breaking Down a Defensive Wall

Breakup Help reconciliation
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Backstory: My ex girlfriend of 5 years came to me October 11 saying she wanted to take a break. I was blindsided and convinced her to keep dating and try to make things better (mistake). The reasons for the breakup are mostly on me: I got complacent, especially over the summer when I had an internship, and that spilled over into the current semester. We didn’t have as many chances to hang out or even see each other this semester as we did in the last one. She didn’t feel appreciated and became unhappy. It took me a while to see what had happened, but it’s very clear to me now. Her part in the breakup is a lack of communication. She never came to me and explicitly said that she wasn’t happy and that I needed to do better, until she was so unhappy she wanted to take a break.

A month later (Nov 11), after trying, she broke up with me. I see now that trying for that month was a mistake and was doomed to fail. I smothered her with questions about her feelings, trying to understand and satisfy my growing insecurities. Huge mistake. Anyway, the breakup was pretty cordial. We cried together for a long time, and she even said that she was sorry and that the situation wasn’t fair to me. In hindsight, it seems like she didn’t want to have to do it. She wished everything could just be better, but I wasn’t making her happy and she couldn’t handle it anymore. I wish I knew then what I do now.

I started No Contact immediately, just on a whim, and came across Kevin’s work a couple days later. I continued No Contact for almost 2 weeks until Thanksgiving night when I caved and failed. I had the feeling that she was really having a hard time with everything and was missing me. On top of Thanksgiving being obviously difficult, and this feeling that my silence was hurting her, I caved. I should note that she’s a pretty timid person, and it would be entirely possible for her to have actually felt that way and just not reached out, thinking I had moved on and the damage was permanent. I had also gone out with friends every day the previous weekend.

I texted her saying “Happy Thanksgiving”, that I had been thinking about her a lot, and asked if we could get together to talk. She said she didn’t think it was a good idea but was cordial about it. I pushed further (how many mistakes are you going to make, kid?) and it quickly became a touch hostile. She blatantly said that there was nothing to talk about because we weren’t getting back together (stake to the heart at that moment). The conversation continued into a back and forth Q/A about things we had seen while stalking each other’s social media. It turned out that she had posted something, on an Instagram account she blocked me from (a finsta if you’re in the know) calling me out for hanging out with friends that weekend when I never wanted to do anything with her. It’s important to note that I was polite through the whole conversation. She’s the one who became a little defensive and hostile.

I immediately started no contact again. I am just over 2 weeks this go around, coming up on 30 days since the breakup. Here’s where my issue starts. I know that she’s not over the breakup. Clearly she wasn’t on Thanksgiving, and according to her social media, she still isn’t. She regularly subtweets me and likes tweets about moving on, feeling good about yourself, etc. The issue is that she also posts things about people never apologizing and just going silent. It’s clearly in reference to me, but I don’t get it. One day it’s that she’s good on her own, the next, she apparently wants me to pour out my heart to her. I’ve managed to stay strong and haven’t posted anything myself. My first question is why is this happening? My second question is why is this STILL happening? I would have thought that she would have been over the anger by now and ready to be at least friendly with me. I never expected to see this defensive side of her anyway. I still have two weeks, but in reality it’s been a month. If I wouldn’t have failed NC, I could technically have started texting her this weekend, but I know that it wouldn’t have any effect if I did it now. I’m afraid she’s going to have this defensive wall up indefinitely, so how do I break through?

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@GRAY2277 - I think it’s happening because she is disappointed that the relationship didn’t work for her and it will take a long time before she accepts the breakup in her own mind. Stop thinking of what you did or didn’t do as bad. Stop stalking social media as it will only serve to make you more depressed. Right now she feels you’re not getting back together, but maybe over time she might change her mind and want to talk about ways to remedy the situation. Don’t contact her again. Get on with your life and perhaps sometime in the future she will initiate contact. Wishing you luck as 5 years is a long time for a relationship and hopefully you two can work through the issues together at some point later on…

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@patricia12 I should probably add some things I left out to keep my original post as brief as I thought possible. Not that I don’t accept your advice. Just going back and rereading my original post makes me think I left some key parts out.

The thing is that this girl is definitely worth fighting for. I’m a big believer in the idea that there is a reason behind everything. And I really believe that the reason for our breakup was to finally kick me into working on myself. I had neglected serious flaws in my personality for a very long time, but it wasn’t until the breakup and things my ex said at the very end like how she didn’t see me as a happy person that I realized it was time to go to work. For the years prior my thought process was that she was still in my life, so my haters were just wrong. But that thought changed when I realized that even she thought I could be better. I’ve really been working on myself for the last month+ and I feel really good about myself now. An important note is that I have been doing this work 100% for me, not for her. Whether we end up back together or not, I have to better myself, and that’s what drives me to continue.

I believe that these flaws are what ultimately made my ex decide to leave. When I think about everything that she said during that month of trying and during the breakup, it’s clear to me that this is true. Like I said above, it felt like she didn’t want it to happen. She wanted the changes to be made and to be happy again. This isn’t to say that it’s totally my fault though. I think she had some work to do for herself, and I think she’s getting there.

I have this really strong gut feeling that this isn’t the end for us. I can’t describe it, but it’s definitely real. I’d imagine you’ve heard others say similar things before. With that feeling is the deep belief that if she is able to see the person I’ve become, and the person I’m still working to become, that she will see that she can be happy with me again. Of course, there’s no way of knowing what she’s thinking or what she will think in the future, but somehow I just know. It sounds really silly, but oh well I guess.

Something she told me leading up to the breakup was that she wasn’t sure if I could ever better myself enough to make her happy. Not that it wasn’t possible (in fact, she said if it happened she would be elated), but that she wasn’t sure that I would actually do it. One of my flaws was severe stubbornness and a little arrogance. I took criticism poorly and believed I was right 99% of the time. I’m not like that anymore. But I think she had a valid fear/belief that I would just never overcome it to be better, and I think she still feels like it will never happen. But it has. That’s why my original question was about breaking through the wall she has built to protect herself against the old me trying to get her back. For now, I’m just going to go with Kevin’s advice; slowly but surely squeeze my way inside until I can stand in front of her as a better me. But I’m hoping you have seen similar things before, and can tailor it a little to my situation. I recognize that there’s no guarantee that she changes her mind, even upon seeing everything that’s better. But again, somehow I just feel that if I give it a really good shot and she really gives it some thought, that it will turn out the way I hope. I just have to get myself inside.

I have fears that maybe I’m not right and that maybe she’s moving on. Taking what I have to go off of at face value, a disconnected person may think that way. She seems happy in pictures and appears to be having fun at parties with her friends. It seems like she did a 180 from the night of the breakup. But like Kevin says, just because someone appears to be happy on social media and says that they’ve moved on less than two weeks afterwards, doesn’t mean they actually have yet. He says it takes longer than a month and I believe him. Again, I think it’s all just because she really believes that I’m never coming back. I think fighting for her is at least worth a shot. I just hope that she hasn’t pushed herself behind her defenses too far. So now my questions: Do you think it’s worth a shot? Have you seen any similar situations before? How do I get her to see the improved me?

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@gray2277
Glad you’re working on your character traits, but it takes longer than a month. Yes, it’s worth a shot to try and get her back, but if she’s adamant, nothing you say or do will work. And what you refer to as her defenses might be her determination NOT to reconcile. Some who leave a relationship wherein they were not happy, actually feel a sense of relief and sorry to say, but most breakups are permanent. And IF they get back together, it won’t last unless BOTH work through the issues together in order to have a healthier happier relationship. No, it’s not easy for most people to move on after a 5 year relationship, but eventually they will if they consider it to be in their own best interest.

But, if you make enough improvement from the way you were that drove her away, it might work. The only way she can see an improved you is for you to reveal your better self to her by the kind way you speak to her, the respect you show, and the willingness to admit your mistakes or when you’re wrong to say so. If she agrees to see you in person at some point you can also prove it face to face.

Good luck. I hope it works out better for both of you…

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I’m in exactly your position right now. We were in a relationship for 4.5 years, loved together for 3. We’ve broken up twice in the last 10 months, most recently 2 months ago. Both times he broke up with me and I desperately didn’t want it. It was also because of serious flaws in my character that we broke up…things from my childhood that caused me to treat him in certain ways that he eventually got tired of. It took the first break up to realize that. But it took the second for me to face that I was still doing some of the same things. Like putting my needs ahead of his, not really listening to him, etc. He initiated the contact after we first broke up, but once he’d opened that door, I pushed for more and more, until I was pretty much living with him, only not. He wanted a break, and then to take things slowly, but I didn’t listen because it wasn’t what I wanted. I feel as you do, that this had to happen for me to learn from it and finally really and truly change. I also don’t think we are done. We still talk and I even spent the night before he left on a 3 week business trip…dinner and cuddling only. It’s like when he drops his guard, he shows his real feelings (like in the middle of the night when he reached for me and tangled his legs up with mine). But that doesn’t happen often. Most of the time he says he has a lot of uncertainty about us, isn’t sure anymore if I’m the right person for him, etc. This is despite the fact that he once loved me so much that it brought him to tears. But he says I hurt him too many times and he put up a wall with me. He doesn’t know if he can get it down. But he also won’t cut all ties with me. I asked him why and he said because I was a big part of his life and he doesn’t know what will happen. He says he’s not saying never, just not right now. We are in therapy together when he can, due to his travel schedule, and I am in therapy on my own as well. I know he’s kind of seeing/possibly hooking up with someone when he travels to LA. It’s not why we broke up the second time, I’m sure of it. Band reading Kevin’s articles about rebound relationships makes me think he’s not moving on as quickly as it would seem. I asked him about her and he said I’m making far more out of it than it is. But it still hurts like hell. I want to do no contact but so far I haven’t managed it. And we’ve talked about spending Christmas together…we have 5 kids between us. I don’t know for sure though, and that ball is in his court. It might be a terrible idea but I can’t face spending the holidays without him. Ok, this was far longer than I had intended but it feels good to have a place to vent, to people in the same or similar circumstances.

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My 2 cents would be to take the last post you have above, drop the first paragraph and change it from being directed at the people here to being directed at her. For example, the first sentence would be changed from:

“The thing is that this girl is definitely worth fighting for.”

to

“The thing is that I feel you are definitely worth fighting for.”

and for example, it could be ended with:

“Do you think we’re worth a shot? How would I get you to see the improved me?”

Then I’d send the whole thing to her, just as you wrote it (but changed to be directed at her).

This lets her know exactly how you feel, what questions you have and where you are. And then you can go NC.

When people go NC, the other person may feel that the person who went NC is just giving up and moving on. And so they give up. Before NC, the other person should know how you feel. Then they know what is on the other side if they choose to go back to it.

If they can’t deal with the reality of how you feel, as it really is, then it isn’t going to work. That would be my 2 cents for your situation.