Backstory: My ex girlfriend of 5 years came to me October 11 saying she wanted to take a break. I was blindsided and convinced her to keep dating and try to make things better (mistake). The reasons for the breakup are mostly on me: I got complacent, especially over the summer when I had an internship, and that spilled over into the current semester. We didn’t have as many chances to hang out or even see each other this semester as we did in the last one. She didn’t feel appreciated and became unhappy. It took me a while to see what had happened, but it’s very clear to me now. Her part in the breakup is a lack of communication. She never came to me and explicitly said that she wasn’t happy and that I needed to do better, until she was so unhappy she wanted to take a break.
A month later (Nov 11), after trying, she broke up with me. I see now that trying for that month was a mistake and was doomed to fail. I smothered her with questions about her feelings, trying to understand and satisfy my growing insecurities. Huge mistake. Anyway, the breakup was pretty cordial. We cried together for a long time, and she even said that she was sorry and that the situation wasn’t fair to me. In hindsight, it seems like she didn’t want to have to do it. She wished everything could just be better, but I wasn’t making her happy and she couldn’t handle it anymore. I wish I knew then what I do now.
I started No Contact immediately, just on a whim, and came across Kevin’s work a couple days later. I continued No Contact for almost 2 weeks until Thanksgiving night when I caved and failed. I had the feeling that she was really having a hard time with everything and was missing me. On top of Thanksgiving being obviously difficult, and this feeling that my silence was hurting her, I caved. I should note that she’s a pretty timid person, and it would be entirely possible for her to have actually felt that way and just not reached out, thinking I had moved on and the damage was permanent. I had also gone out with friends every day the previous weekend.
I texted her saying “Happy Thanksgiving”, that I had been thinking about her a lot, and asked if we could get together to talk. She said she didn’t think it was a good idea but was cordial about it. I pushed further (how many mistakes are you going to make, kid?) and it quickly became a touch hostile. She blatantly said that there was nothing to talk about because we weren’t getting back together (stake to the heart at that moment). The conversation continued into a back and forth Q/A about things we had seen while stalking each other’s social media. It turned out that she had posted something, on an Instagram account she blocked me from (a finsta if you’re in the know) calling me out for hanging out with friends that weekend when I never wanted to do anything with her. It’s important to note that I was polite through the whole conversation. She’s the one who became a little defensive and hostile.
I immediately started no contact again. I am just over 2 weeks this go around, coming up on 30 days since the breakup. Here’s where my issue starts. I know that she’s not over the breakup. Clearly she wasn’t on Thanksgiving, and according to her social media, she still isn’t. She regularly subtweets me and likes tweets about moving on, feeling good about yourself, etc. The issue is that she also posts things about people never apologizing and just going silent. It’s clearly in reference to me, but I don’t get it. One day it’s that she’s good on her own, the next, she apparently wants me to pour out my heart to her. I’ve managed to stay strong and haven’t posted anything myself. My first question is why is this happening? My second question is why is this STILL happening? I would have thought that she would have been over the anger by now and ready to be at least friendly with me. I never expected to see this defensive side of her anyway. I still have two weeks, but in reality it’s been a month. If I wouldn’t have failed NC, I could technically have started texting her this weekend, but I know that it wouldn’t have any effect if I did it now. I’m afraid she’s going to have this defensive wall up indefinitely, so how do I break through?