Bonds, connections, and other points of interest

not-your-ex
61

Have to say I agree with the GIG thing. This is not the first time me and my partner have broken up, and just like before he has a ‘friend’ who he knew would be lined up ready to take my position haha. Right now he’s planning to move away to be with her, which seems to be out of desperation to not be alone, as he hasn’t had any time alone since we broke up. I really hope he enjoys his time over there, I just feel bad for the girl. He’s broken other girls hearts before because cause he always realises that he has to come back to me.

I hope you are all doing well. Not hearing anything for a few days is a good sign in my books. It means you are all too busy enjoying your lives! Hopefully you are both having a fantastic time :slight_smile:

62

Hello Relic.

I just came on here about an hour ago to check what the last post was. We have been quiet.

And yes, I have been busy. I am enjoying myself and keeping busy. Actually, this evening I have at least 3 things that I could or should be doing and still haven’t decided what to do.

That GIG Thing is interesting. I am fairly certain that my ex had that man ready also. I am also fairly certain that he is already gone. She was texting so much at the Weekend. Wanting me to call over, telling me that she is lonely, that the last few months just seemed to happen as if in a movie and she didn’t want that to happen etc. She has gone a bit quiet since the exams finished yesterday. Put me out this morning a bit, but I am fine now again.

I had some good News a few minutes ago that has me in great humour now. So she can do what she likes.

Hope you are good.

How are you Pheonix?

63

Hey you two!

GIGs is certainly an interesting thing, but I think it’s human nature for most. I know my ex’s rebound was already lined up as fallback, but like I said my ex does not seem to be happy. If anything, this other girl is the one calling the shots and using my ex more than anything. A friend told me recently my ex posted something along the lines of “Love is when someone does not try to tame you, but rather runs wild with you.” It’s funny because she said that to me many times when we had dated and thanked me and appreciated the fact that I never tried to change who she was. But I’ve noticed a pattern here. She’s doing all the same “deep” quotes and the like when we started dating. She appears to be trying to make me out to be the bad guy, but I did nothing to warrant it and others know this. I’m certain it’s a phase, this whole rebellious thing, very much like a quarter life crisis I suppose.

@relic Certainly have been busy! I’d be willing to wager they’re be back in time when they see the grass is not greener. How long that takes, it’s hard to say. But I am a very patient woman and I’ve got my own life going well for me.

@patrick_d Glad to hear you’ve been staying busy too. I don’t see that guy hanging around. I’m sure you two will be together again in time. Just keep doing what you’re doing hon!

I’ve been busy and have a work shift change coming up for a few weeks, as I’m covering for a coworker, so it’s going to be hectic but good. I’ll definitely have a nice paycheck to set some aside for the vacations I’m planning this summer. All good things in time!

64

Pheonix help me please.

I told you about the ex texting like crazy last weekend. This week went quiet. Yesterday she text photos from a house in the country her sister owns. Photos of our old bedroom and of the garden we always worked in.

Today I text asking how she was. She is on a short holiday. With the other man. I was sure he was gone. That hurt.
She then text that she feels like she is living someone else’s life. She asked why we didn’t go places like that. I said that I would have. She said she never knew that.

I text a message kind of like the magic letter. Told her that if she has no feelings then we will go our separate ways. But if she did then stop living someone else’s life.

What the hell is going on? Why go with him and text me? Why talk about another life? Is she just nuts?

I’m so hurt and upset and confused.

Thanks

65

Hey, hon!

First of all, take a deep breath and try to relax.

I honestly don’t see this as a crisis. Honestly, it sounds to me like she wants to be with you, but is thinking you might not want to be with her. The fact that she’s reaching out to you and asking questions like “why didn’t we ever do this?” tells me she is not over you. In fact she’s remembering you. YOU. Now she may be going wherever with this dude, but clearly she’d rather be with you. It sounds to me like she just wanted him around for company, nothing more.

I know my ex pulled some stuff the past month or so when we were together saying she felt she knew everything about me already. I told her that wasn’t true and gave examples of things she did not know. Her response? “I didn’t know that!” Of course the same could not be said about her… I asked her to tell me something about her I didn’t know and she couldn’t give me but one new thing. People only know what we tell them and sometimes that only happens when they ask. I still see her asking you about that as a great thing.

I understand that it’s confusing, but again, that’s how I see things from an objective standpoint. Now, if you don’t mind helping me out here…

When my ex broke up with me, I made sure it ended on good terms. She was still my best friend after all. She spouted all this stuff about how she wanted to be friends and hang out and talk all the time. Hasn’t happened a bit.

Now, I heard recently through the grapevine she’s rebelling and acting like she has something to prove. The ones that don’t know her very well are all cheering her on, but those who do know her are just sitting back, confused, like “Uh… what are you doing and who do you think you’re kidding?” I got sick of this behavior as it’s very unbecoming of her. She’s trying to play the victim and make me out to be the bad guy, like I was controlling, which is just strange. Anyone that knew us and knows me knows I am very laid back. I’m more of a giver than anything honestly. I noticed, based on what mutual friends and family have told me that most of these posts she makes line up with some good things I’ve posted on my FB.

So, I went ahead and deleted her from my fb. I am not trying to have a competition with her. My hope is that she will calm down and think about how she’s acting/what she’s doing. She is repeating a pattern and I think this is just what she does when she meets someone new. The sad thing is with this rebound, she’s not as happy as she had been when she first started dating me. At least she smiled, posted things fondly, and was grateful. Not so much this time. But for now I need to remove myself from the situation completely. Who knows, maybe she’ll get the message that I won’t tolerate that kind of bad behavior and it will set in, truly, that I am gone for good (even if I might not be, still not 100% sure at this time with regard to the future).

Thoughts?

66

Oh pheonix. It’s all over on my side.

She replied with just that she was happy that I had good things in my life. I was so fed up with this game. So I just said I can’t be friends.
She said that’s so stupid etc but she doesn’t want anything else.
So I said that’s it goodbye. The story must end. She said that’s stupid to say goodbye. But whatever.

I text back that being friends rarely works. And she is in a relationship and I said that in seeing someone. Is Not fair on them. I finished it with, time needs time. I need to find my path in life and you do too.

Then the tone changed. She said ok!! Enjoy. I said you too. Now she wants me to pick up some things. I don’t know what but letters probably.

It’s all over. 6 years almost gone. I’m devastated. And I know I shouldn’t have pushed her or given an ultimatum but I couldn’t continue living like this.

As for you. Her rebellion must be her way of coping with the torture in her mind that she is obviously going through. It hurts to hear people talk badly about us but know that it’s just emotions and mind tricks and fear that causes it and you will be fine. Sticks and stones. …
I would take that as a sign that she is really unhappy with life.

Jesus I messed it up. But at least I know

67

Oh hon, I’m sorry to hear you’re having a rough time. Take a few deep breaths. I really don’t see it as you screwing up. I don’t see it being over either, unless that’s what you truly want, but more of an opportunity for you both. You’ve been doing so well, Patrick. Seriously.

For her to be so wistful in her talking about things with you, I hardly think she was really happy when she said “Okay. Enjoy!” That to me sounds like her being upset and just saying it to say it. I think you need to give things time though and go complete NC for now. She seems to be unsure of what she wants but clearly is not over you.

A friend shared this with me earlier, might help you out a bit:

"Examples of competitive behavior:

-Being overly happy about the break up
-Openly showing that they’re “happy” with someone else
-Boasting about areas of their life that they believe is more superior to yours
-Exaggerating or showing off the fact that they are “over you.” Eg. Flirting with other people, dating, going out a lot, etc.

All of this points to the fact that they want to appear better off without you than you are. But why would they need to prove this point if they ARE over you?

Because they’re not!"

I don’t think anything is set in stone, hon. I really and truly do not. You seem like too good of a guy for it to just be the end… and 6 years is a long time. It seems to me like relationships that lasted longer need more time to heal before reconciling. That’s not a bad thing though. Sending you hugs! You’re a great man. Keep you chin up and know that the universe will take care of you. Just try to be patient and stay positive, okay?

68

Thanks. I’m struggling.

She wants me to call and pick up some things. I think I will because I have dvds from Ireland and books from home that I want. I don’t really need then but better in my hands than hers. I’ll go nc then again.

I did find the okay enjoy reaction to my mentioning seeing someone else very odd. She never even asked who.

Something tells me there is another twist to this or that it’s not over. But some friends back home will strangle me if they knew I was still holding out hope.

But I still love her. Stupidly. And the poor other girl is crazy about me. But she had the wisdom to tell me to take time now to sort myself out. She can wait she said. But I just don’t feel that connection. I still feel the pull back.

I was telling that girl earlier that I have a strange ability to sense the emotion of a person just by reading a text. Did you ever get that? I feel it all the time. I felt that she was angry and really annoyed with me saying goodbye. And that she thought herself Ok so be it. But after the mention of the girl I could feel something else. As if the messages glowed with a power. I have looked at those few and especially were age asked me to call over and there is something in them that I haven’t felt before. Like she actually wants something now. Or that my one message transformed her thinking. She was suddenly shocked.

I don’t know. I think I am losing my mind. I did before and combined it that time with alcohol.

Thanks so much for your words.
By the way, there is something special from your writing. Like magic. I often thought that you were a psychic before you mentioned wanting to go to one. Have you got some power do you think? Or were we destined to talk on this? And your words jump out always as the advice that I should take. Because you always give advice different to what others have said.

69

Keep your head up high. Rarely I think our gut is wrong, but sometimes we have to figure out if it’s gut or emotion. I don’t think you’re losing your mind. I think you’re on an emotional high, panicking. You’re not struggling either hon, you’re just adrift. Once you realize that, look for shore and start paddling. You’ll be so much stronger when you get there.

Go NC for awhile. If she tries to talk to you, ignore it and focus on yourself. You and I are both in a situation where we had long term relationships. They are not that easily forgotten or moved past, even with new distractions in terms of our ex’s lives. We are patient. We can get through this. I will do my best to offer support as you have done for me. We are stronger today than we had been yesterday, even if we do not realize it presently.

I’m not going to say the thought hasn’t crossed my mind that perhaps I have some sort of gift. When I was younger, on top of the deja vu, I had quite a few out of body experiences regularly. It used to terrify me because if I was talking to someone, it’s like I would switch places with them and see myself from their point of view. I have very good intuition, but that could also be from having a very sound rationality. I do find myself frustrated at times because I feel like I’m an old soul that has already lived this life once before. Even when I was a tiny thing, a lot would say that I had the mentality of a 30 year old, the whole “wise beyond her years” bit. But again, I cannot say for certain if I have a gift or not.

I am glad to hear that my words and advice offer you something more. I often feel my words are wasted, fall on deaf ears. I’ve also been told I have a gift with writing. Perhaps it’s simply just that, good writing. I will always be here if you want to talk, or if you prefer Skype or something else just let me know.

70

Do you think I have any chance with her at all? Why was she sending those photos and texts?
I feel lost now

71

I do. I really do, but you need to give both her and yourself time and space. I still believe she was sending those pics and texts because she missed you. You’ve got to keep going and work more on improving yourself.

Look for the shore and start paddling. There are always people that love you and care about you that are waiting and cheering you on, even if you can’t see or hear them. I know this myself personally. My father, who has been my one of my rocks for the past few years, made this very clear last night with his words.

I believe you and I were meant to meet at this point in our lives. I have learned quite a bit from you and you are a good man. Don’t doubt yourself. Don’t give over to fear. It will control you. Accept that you feel you made a mistake. You must move past it. So you fell again… are you going to get up, or just stay down and feel lost?

“Not until we are lost do we begin to find ourselves.” Find yourself. Gather yourself and stand Patrick. I know you can do it and I have so much faith in you. Good folk like ourselves seem to meet adversity often, but we are so much more when we overcome it.

72

Do you think I have any chance with her at all? Why was she sending those photos and texts?
I feel lost now.

I really think it’s not over for her. She wants me to cask over this week to pick up some things. She could have said that weeks ago. She said that after I mentioned seeing someone. Maybe she is relieved that I have moved on.

I still can stop thinking of the photos and texts. The way she said that although she is away with him, it feels like she is living someone else’s life.

I think I pushed her too far yesterday. I hope she comes back. I don’t know how to keep going. I feel alone now.

73

In January, the fortune teller dais that I of course knew the woman I would settle with. That the ball was in my Court. I just had to score. At that time it could only have been my ex.

Maybe she was wrong. Ball is not in my Court now that’s for sure. She kept saying that I would be settled. She said that 3 times. To not worry that I would be settled. But I can’t see any way that this can be solved now.

Maybe I am wrong and the fortune teller and all of us.

74

*fortune teller said

75

Patrick, you need to calm down. Your mind is racing right now, hon. Nothing is ever lost. Whether you realize it or not, the ball is in your court. You threw the ball to her, and she just kind of fumbled it, it dropped, and it rolled back to you (this is evident with her rather ‘okay, enjoy’ response). Pick the damn ball up man! You’re second guessing yourself. You don’t strike me as a man that just gives up. Where is the Leo, the king?

Do I need to light a fire under your ass? Haha. Seriously, I want you to do something. It might sound odd, but it will make you feel tons better. When you’re able to, go take a hot shower. Gradually switch it over to cold. Water is a great thing and cleanses. The point of the cold, as much as you can bear as long as you can, is to shock and renew you. You need a shock to your system right now. It might be uncomfortable, but you will adjust. When you’re done, I promise you will feel even better. I do this every morning, but the shower itself is more a daily metaphor for me (and it has a TON of great benefits health wise). See if you can decipher the metaphor once you’ve done it and let me know.

76

I’ll do that and get back to you

77

Hi pheonix. The shower felt good. It was a pleasant shock to the body getting the cold water. Almost like being reborn or something.
Felt like I was washing away those stupid feelings.
Felt good. And it made me think clearer. I will give her time. I’ll pick up my things. I checked up some signs that they miss you and she ticks all the boxes.
Something changed last night. I think i can feel that.

Would false friends be a bad idea? Something tells me that saying goodbye and that I am seeing someone has changed things. I think she is finally scared and thinking really strongly.

Thoughts?

78

I feel stronger Thanks to you. I will pick up the ball. No point messing about and playing games anymore. Torturing myself. She reached out over weeks and I gave nothing back. I tortured her too. I’ll go there and get my things. And see from there.
You are right. Of course she misses me. Only a lunatic would text that whilst away with someone else. She didn’t see any change though.

She will now. That’s for sure

79

And no matter what others say about giving up etc, it’s my life. And I will live it how I please and decide what I want. And decide how I want to get it.

80

Ah, and there’s the Leo! :slight_smile: I’m glad it helped. And therein lies the metaphor. We get so used to something (hot water) that when it’s suddenly gone, we’re almost feel like we’re at a loss. Now some will simply get out of the shower when the hot water has run out. But to willingly embrace the change (cold water) even if it may be uncomfortable at first, it brings something new. Change isn’t so bad. The things we perceived as being unpleasant might be different, but that doesn’t make them bad.

You have no one to thank but yourself. You made your own decisions, not me. I’m very glad it made you feel better though!

I personally feel that false friends might defeat the purpose. How many people are actually able to go from being lovers and so deeply intimate to just friends? Seems rather rare to me, and you don’t want to be her friend. You want more, just as we all do. But the path is yours to choose.

I cannot be friends with my ex. It pains me somewhat to say that, but I refuse to be taken advantage of or even risk letting myself be taken for a ride. I’ve known my ex for over 15 years. We were best friends before dating. Even then I treated her with more love and care than I do for my friends. I love my friends to death and would do anything for them, but I went the extra mile for her. She used me as an emotional tampon when she was having problems with the ex before me. She seemed grateful, but after some time she grew complacent and got an itch to see what else is out there.

I don’t think she has ever fully realized how good she had it. I have friends that say they would kill to have a relationship with someone like me. She had glimpses when she’d run off and then come back, but nothing full on like this. Tough love. But perhaps the screaming silence at her will do her some good. When she asked before when we wanted to both work things out if we would be friends still if we broke up, I told her I did not know. It wouldn’t be easy for me and I didn’t think it would be fair. She knew the risks and she walked away to her own path.

Now I live my life on my own terms. She’ll live hers on her own. I can only hope that she’ll find happiness someday, but she needs to be happy and love herself first. It is my most sincere hope that she does not end up like those that never embrace themselves or work their issues out.

We’ll keep on, keeping on, hon.