Hey everyone. Here I am once again asking for your help. Yes, we got back. Crazy right? Yes I am delighted, yes it’s super crazy amazing. I wish everyone could get here.
I already had a feeling it wouldn’t be all rosy after getting back. Now I have the proof.
First, some background. We dated 5 months, were apart for almost 4 months. Reason for the break up: my insecurities, me constantly bringing issues up, being together all the time. We have been back for a week.
We were together everyday this week minus monday, wednesday and today I dont know if we’ll see each other. I just feel I’m in this alone. We got back suddendly. Went out with friends we were all together having fun. He kissed me out of the blue, asked “let’s see how it goes?” and that was it. I wanted to say “I love you” so much, but I said I like you. I don’t want to say that and didn’t want to say it cause it’s not true. I LOVE HIM. And I sensed he wanted us to say I love you. For one I know it was better not to as to not put pressure in the relationship. But the truth is, I can’t like him cause I love him. And I felt it in ever cell of my being. And if things would go wrong because I was honest and said what my whole brain and heart wanted me to say so be it.
Anyway… moving on. I just feel like he isn’t in it 100%. I know he is cautious. And it’s ok. But I need ONE thing from him now: Him being committed! Being and trying with me, not just live his life and expect that I change what’s bad about me BY MYSELF! If he wants me to truly change and us to truly work, he needs to put effort too. He needs to show he cares, he needs to TALK to me! Not like the other day when I said “i really want us to work out” he didnt say he did too! Why?! Whenever he agrees he says he agrees. I don’t get it!
Examples:
The other day I was at his house and he asked if I wanted to eat there or eat at home. I was unsure if he wanted me to be there. I asked if he wanted me to eat at home and come back, or eat there and go home or what? He said I could eat there but he wanted to sleep by himself and he STUTTERED while saying it.
1. Why isnt him grabbing me and saying “have dinner with me?” Why ask like you don’t really care if I do or don’t?
2. If he is afraid of my reaction, why doesn’t he look at me and say “hun, I would like to sleep by myself, but please don’t take this the wrong way, ok?”
Result: He saw I got sad, started to hug me and kiss me more throughout the night, then invited me to go have coffee with him and friends and at the end asked if I wanted to sleep there. I said “but you wanted to do it by yourself”. He said “yeah but I saw you got sad”. I said “no! that isnt why! i got sad cause you were nervous to tell me, and im sad and scared that you feel you cant communicate with me, cause you can. this is why i said we should talk about things. and please dont ask me to do things if you dont want me to do them with you” he said “we will keep going and we’ll see, thats what I told you we would do” and then asked if I wanted to sleep with him again. I said ok, and went. But I should have shown him I meant it and not go. I think he would respect me and miss me for that.
Another example:
Yesterday I had invited him to go to a friends bd. He said yes, then said he couldn’t. He had plans with his friends for that day, he just didn’t know what time. It turns out it was for dinner too. I wanted him to meet us at the bar after but he didnt. Which is ok. I would like it but no problem. Thing is I told him I didn’t know if I wanted to go downtown or home. Half and hour later he said he went downtown but wasnt staying long. I said Im gonna stay for a bit and go too (I didnt say where I was). An hour later he said where he has been for that time and that they would go away next. I didnt answer. An hour later he texted saying he took a bit more time but was home, and “you are probably home already too right?” I texted half an hour later saying “yes I am now” No more answer from him.
1. He didnt ask me where I was at any point even though I kind of made it seem like I was downtown too.
2. He came back home without asking if I was ok, if I needed anything, or if I needed a ride.
3. He went to sleep without calling, without getting my message, without checking if I was ok.
Now, IS THIS NECESSARY? I get that he was with his friends and doesn’t want to get back to not have time for himself and them only. I get that! But isn’t he supposed to CARE for me?! Isn’t he supposed to be there for me? This ISN’T the person I fell in love with. I’m sorry. And this is what I mean by him not making an effort. It’s like he was in his life. I have to accept him being with his friends and not me, him not trying to see me even though I could be really close to him, etc etc. But what’s the need of showing he doesnt even care to take care of me? I mean wtf!?