Being back isn't as easy as it seems

reconciliation
1

Hey everyone. Here I am once again asking for your help. Yes, we got back. Crazy right? Yes I am delighted, yes it’s super crazy amazing. I wish everyone could get here.

I already had a feeling it wouldn’t be all rosy after getting back. Now I have the proof.

First, some background. We dated 5 months, were apart for almost 4 months. Reason for the break up: my insecurities, me constantly bringing issues up, being together all the time. We have been back for a week.

We were together everyday this week minus monday, wednesday and today I dont know if we’ll see each other. I just feel I’m in this alone. We got back suddendly. Went out with friends we were all together having fun. He kissed me out of the blue, asked “let’s see how it goes?” and that was it. I wanted to say “I love you” so much, but I said I like you. I don’t want to say that and didn’t want to say it cause it’s not true. I LOVE HIM. And I sensed he wanted us to say I love you. For one I know it was better not to as to not put pressure in the relationship. But the truth is, I can’t like him cause I love him. And I felt it in ever cell of my being. And if things would go wrong because I was honest and said what my whole brain and heart wanted me to say so be it.

Anyway… moving on. I just feel like he isn’t in it 100%. I know he is cautious. And it’s ok. But I need ONE thing from him now: Him being committed! Being and trying with me, not just live his life and expect that I change what’s bad about me BY MYSELF! If he wants me to truly change and us to truly work, he needs to put effort too. He needs to show he cares, he needs to TALK to me! Not like the other day when I said “i really want us to work out” he didnt say he did too! Why?! Whenever he agrees he says he agrees. I don’t get it!

Examples:

The other day I was at his house and he asked if I wanted to eat there or eat at home. I was unsure if he wanted me to be there. I asked if he wanted me to eat at home and come back, or eat there and go home or what? He said I could eat there but he wanted to sleep by himself and he STUTTERED while saying it.

1. Why isnt him grabbing me and saying “have dinner with me?” Why ask like you don’t really care if I do or don’t?
2. If he is afraid of my reaction, why doesn’t he look at me and say “hun, I would like to sleep by myself, but please don’t take this the wrong way, ok?”

Result: He saw I got sad, started to hug me and kiss me more throughout the night, then invited me to go have coffee with him and friends and at the end asked if I wanted to sleep there. I said “but you wanted to do it by yourself”. He said “yeah but I saw you got sad”. I said “no! that isnt why! i got sad cause you were nervous to tell me, and im sad and scared that you feel you cant communicate with me, cause you can. this is why i said we should talk about things. and please dont ask me to do things if you dont want me to do them with you” he said “we will keep going and we’ll see, thats what I told you we would do” and then asked if I wanted to sleep with him again. I said ok, and went. But I should have shown him I meant it and not go. I think he would respect me and miss me for that.

Another example:

Yesterday I had invited him to go to a friends bd. He said yes, then said he couldn’t. He had plans with his friends for that day, he just didn’t know what time. It turns out it was for dinner too. I wanted him to meet us at the bar after but he didnt. Which is ok. I would like it but no problem. Thing is I told him I didn’t know if I wanted to go downtown or home. Half and hour later he said he went downtown but wasnt staying long. I said Im gonna stay for a bit and go too (I didnt say where I was). An hour later he said where he has been for that time and that they would go away next. I didnt answer. An hour later he texted saying he took a bit more time but was home, and “you are probably home already too right?” I texted half an hour later saying “yes I am now” No more answer from him.

1. He didnt ask me where I was at any point even though I kind of made it seem like I was downtown too.
2. He came back home without asking if I was ok, if I needed anything, or if I needed a ride.
3. He went to sleep without calling, without getting my message, without checking if I was ok.

Now, IS THIS NECESSARY? I get that he was with his friends and doesn’t want to get back to not have time for himself and them only. I get that! But isn’t he supposed to CARE for me?! Isn’t he supposed to be there for me? This ISN’T the person I fell in love with. I’m sorry. And this is what I mean by him not making an effort. It’s like he was in his life. I have to accept him being with his friends and not me, him not trying to see me even though I could be really close to him, etc etc. But what’s the need of showing he doesnt even care to take care of me? I mean wtf!?

2

One thing that I think wasn’t clear. When he said “we will keep going and we’ll see, thats what I told you we would do” he meant that he doesn’t want to talk about anything! He doesn’t want to talk about how things should go or anything like that. And that worries me a lot. I want us to communicate, but I know we will get there IF he at least puts effort in and shows me he cares

My main thread if you want to read my story and/or the full story of when we got back:
https://www.forum.exbackpermanently.com/boards/topic/he-says-he-would-like-to-get-back-but/

3

I can tell just by your writing style that you still have some of your insecurities left and you’re starting to over-analyze Everything. This is not an attack on you, I promise, merely an observation.

Let’s point out a few things:
1st: He came back, especially after almost double the time you were apart.
2nd: You can’t jump back into a relationship with him at the same point because that’s where the problem was that caused y’all to split. You must start at more of a beginning stage of a developing relationship even if you want more. It will be hard, but if you want it to work, start over from an earlier point
3rd: Calm down and relax. Yes, he may not say or do the things you want to hear or see, but you have to accept that and breathe. He’s still trying after all. The commitment and old times will come, just give them space so that they will.

I promise you that everything will be ok and that it’ll work if you let it. Once again, I’m sorry if this seems a little bit rough, but I don’t want you to lose your second chance with him because I personally haven’t gotten a second chance yet in my situation and don’t know if I will, so I hope for you that it will work out.

4

Hey UrbanOasis, thank you so much! I know this is so hard for people to read, and believe me I feel bad I’m posting about my issues with him after getting back for other people that didnt get back yet to read. I know how hard it is so I appreciate every single one of you that cares to read and try to help. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and I want to tell you to keep going and don’t give up!

I know it’s not an attack you are totally fine to tell me your opinion, I am open to it all!

However, I do know how it is to be like “oh you are complaining even though you got back”, no no no. It’s not that. Unfortunately not everyone will get back smoothly and that is my case. These issues are real in my opinion. And I do take it in the really wrong way that me and him were at the same place last night and he didn’t care to know if I was ok or needed a ride. That isn’t someone that is or wants to be in a real relationship. It’s someone that it just with you casually and occasionally and perhaps even just for the short term. He could have made a mistake. But if he just didn’t care to ask then I do take offense on it.

Just because one gets back, we cant turn into a doormat and accept everything. So please I really want everyone’s opinions but I know how hard it is to remember to take this into consideration

And btw these weren’t the only issues. But were the ones that even after a day or two are still stuck in my head. I don’t act on my worries or issues right away anymore. And yes I am still insecure. Unfortunately it isn’t something that will go away easily. What I can choose easily and change at any time are my reactions and actions to things. And that’s what I am focusing on :slight_smile:

I do want to go slow and all. But he needs to go slow WITH me. I feel I’m trying and he is just doing whatever, not trying with me and definitely not trying to make me feel comfortable and ok with everything so I can give my best :frowning:

5

Hey kaila…
I get u… everything you said made sense to me. I too got my ex back and i too was facing this problem. Dont worry about anything. Its a new relationship. I just let it be amd now everything is perfect and i am happy too. Take iy slow amd dont expect so much from him at this point!!

6

Hi divjun! Thank you so so much for your input!

We actually talked on the phone. I got nervous a bit but overall I said good things. I wasn’t liking the feeling I was alone in this. And I told him that. Also it seems I got things wrong again, and he didn’t meant to say he didn’t want us to talk about things so if I wanted to talk about something I could. Which was one of the things that were getting me more nervous. We agreed to talk tomorrow face to face. He called twice already today one on his lunch break and another after he left work :slight_smile:

I honestly don’t even need to talk that much now. I was down mostly because I felt like I was alone in this, that he was living his life and leaving me by myself to deal with him not talking about things, not talking to me, not saying anything about meeting up and stuff like that. So tomorrow I’m just gonna try to be relaxed, talk about things calmly and in a loving way. But still I’m gonna say what I need to say you know. I am not a doormat, I deserve to have my feelings taken into consideration too

7

The other replies pretty much sum up everything I would say.

This is a new chance, dont ruin it by trying to continue from where you left off. Try to see it as a whole new love for now, pretty much like was suggested. As a pretty sensitive and emotional guy I can tell you that this would scare me off pretty much, no offense. You have to deal with your demons and you deserve his support, Just make sure that most of your time together is not about problems!

8

Thank you Mr. A. but what do you mean by “this would scare me off”? This what?

9

I’m going out on a limb because I’m not Mr. A, but I’m going to guess by “this”, he’s referring to exactly what he’s talking about. You acting like the two of you can just pick up right off where you left things has the potential to freak him out. It’s a new relationship and you’re starting over. This means taking things slow, remembering that the relationship is supposed to build, and not being resentful if he’s not immediately as invested or loving as he once was.

10

@between1astanda, thing is… once we got together the first time, we saw each other everyday, i met his best friend the first week, and a couple of other friends the first 3 weeks. I met his parents the first month, month and a half I would say… things like that.

So when people tell me I have to treat this as the beginning of a new relationship… well I haven’t had a normal relationship in like 5 or more years and ours started quick like I just explained. Lol. So I am here imagining what that is supposed to look like you know? :confused:

I think this is important info I maybe forgot to mention z)

11

You don’t need to defend yourself to me. I totally get it. My SO and I were in the exact same boat, so I understand how hard that is. We met at a concert, three days later decided to date, said we loved each other in the same week, and the rest was history for the next two and a half years. We started out serious and we’ve always been serious, so it’s hard for me to adjust to the possibility of things being slower and starting from the VERY VERY beginning of a relationship. All of this being said (and me totally understanding), it’s still really valid advice and exactly what I would’ve said to you. You just need to take a deep breath and let things happen slowly. If you don’t know what that looks like or how a normal relationship tends to progress, I’d suggest maybe doing some research and looking into it. Or asking your SO how he envisions things right now. It’s not going to be easy, that’s for sure, but it’s a VERY necessary evil. And coming from someone who would KILL to be in your shoes and getting a chance even to start over, you should really realize how valuable of a chance this is for you if you really want to be with him.

12

At this point I you just need to relax. It has only been a week. Just go with the flow right now. He is completely protecting himself, but it is clear he loves you… He is just trying to get things sorted out and so are you!

Things will get back to normal…eventually! Just relax and breathe. You have him now, go at his pace. Don’t scare him off. You have a shot, take it!

Answer my new post and whether or not going back to NC? I know you know some of my back ground!

13

I am not defending myself?! O.o

And ahm… I realize how valuable this is. I didn’t want to even live when he broke up with me, I value it very much. I’m not guilty of you not being back, so I honestly don’t need or apreciate that kind of attitude here

As I said previously if he is messing up I’m not gonna be a doormat. That’s not gonna turn this into a long lasting relationship either. I need to let him know if he is doing something wrong too for this to work. There are a lot of shades, not everything is black or white.

14

Yes ellie, thank you. I will be very positive and light on our talk tomorrow. As I said it was more the sheer fact I believed he was said to my face he just didn’t want to talk about things and just go with it, after I told him twice I thought we should. That really made me feel I couldn’t talk and that he wasn’t taking my feelings into consideration, that I had to deal with things by myself. That he was like “i’m gonna live my life and she can deal with it by herself”. I know now this isn’t the case, so I’m ok with basically everything else now. I need his help to at least not worsen my issues.

And I haven’t seen him 4 out of 9 days. I think that is pretty good. That was probably the number of days we didn’t see each other in two months last time! LOL x)

Yes, I will look at it in a minute :slight_smile:

15

@kaila I completely understand where you are coming from. I have been in your shoes for the past couple of weeks. It is awful that we have to act like robots and only show one feeling: happiness. It is so hard. It killed/kills me. So I completely relate and I know that you just want things to go back to the way they were. But the realistic thruth is, not right now it won’t, BUT in the future it will and chances are it is going to be 10x better than before! Give him time to adjust. You keep improving on yourself and at this point just roll with it. Remember, this is the first week. You have to take it super slow and it sucks! But I definitely want you to come to me and vent at any point because I realize how stressful the situation is!

16

Did I ever say that it was your fault or your responsibility that I’m not back with my ex at the moment? No, I didn’t. You’re putting words in other people’s mouths because, in all honesty, it doesn’t sound like you want to hear what some of us have to say. And that’s fine. I’m sure this is a trying time for you.

No one, myself included, is saying that you should be a doormat. No matter how badly any of us want our exes back, that’s not the route we should take, and I commend you for voicing your feelings in a productive way to him. It sounds like you’re making progress and that things are genuinely moving forward.

The only point we’re all trying to make is the one ellie96 just stated. You said you don’t want to be a door mat and want things to improve, so the relationship is going to change and be different. If you broke up and you’re coming into this from a place of starting slow/starting over, it’s not going to benefit you at all to worry or doubt him/you/your coupleness because things aren’t quite as intimate as they used to be. You said that the break up originally occurred because you have insecurities, a tendency to constantly bring issues up, and generally want to be around him most of the time. Instead of overanalyzing the fact that things are different too much, just try to keep working on these things. But by all means draw the line and talk to him or step back if he’s not treating you fairly, because there’s obviously a huge difference between just starting over and not necessarily getting to do or say all that you want right away and someone just flat out being a disrespectful partner to you.

17

I’m not getting in this guys! I respect everyone’s opinion, and I respect and have sympathy for Kaila. So let’s all just relax!

As you can tell, I don’t like it when people don’t get along :frowning:

18

I’m just completely missing the part where she thinks I’m not on her side or telling her I think she’s doing something wrong… I am in no way upset or have any issue with her. I just think it’s important to remember what you did say: this is a reboot of the relationship so thinks unfortunately can’t be as intense or intimate from the beginning, and she’ll save herself a lot of stress if she just tries to breathe and accept this.

19

@between1standa I see where you are coming from. Just understand that right now she is hurt and vulnerable. We all get like that sometimes because the truth becomes hard to hear.

However, things will work out for her, and I know you agree with that. I know you’re just trying to help!

20

I completely understand that. To some extent, everyone on this website is hurt and vulnerable. I definitely am. That’s why we’re here. Things are just going to work out in the long run and I don’t want to see her hurt herself more by stressing about something unnecessarily.