Back on NO CONTACT - feeling awful

no-contact-rule
1

So last night, i texted my ex if she wanted to go bowling or meet up, and she said that she would be open to it, but not right now. She didn’t want to rush into seeing me, and that hurt me more than it probably should have. She wanted to keep the conversation going, but I told her I couldn’t - that I was feeling lost.

I elaborated a bit, saying that I didn’t understand what was going on.

Basically, we determined it was too emotional for both of us to try to be friends right now. We gave each other several things to think about before we try to contact each other again - I want her to think about what being friends with me looks like, if she could be able to handle seeing me with someone else, if she could allow her feelings to develop past a friendship into something more, and to understand that I realize and accept that the old relationship is “dead.” I don’t even want to go back to that, because it ended once, and it would probably end again.

She wanted me to consider most of the same things (although there are a few that are specific towards me, and I have the references so I can keep track of what I need to consider for the next four weeks or so).

We decided that February 22nd, I would call her to discuss our relationship again - and we decided that there were three possible outcomes - friendship is a-go, friendship is a no, or we need more time.

I also specifically asked her to NOT think about her last ex, who she tried to get back together with longterm, but it ultimately failed a second time, because that was a long time ago and the circumstances are different. We’re older now, and the dynamics between her and me are far different between that ex and her.

I don’t understand why she just wants to be friends. She said I’m a cool person that she wants to share things with, but to me, I feel like I’m being strung along - clung to until she finds someone else to call her girlfriend.

More time and space were definitely needed. It still hurts so much that she won’t give me a second chance.

I don’t know what to do at this point with myself - I’ve tried hanging out with my friends and family more, focusing on getting my nursing certification, watching movies, etc. - but I still end up thinking about her and longing for companionship with her.

I’m so exhausted.

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Am I a sucker in this situation? I feel like a doormat.

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@sansa - You’re not a sucker or doormat. She told you she wanted to be friends and you continue hoping for more. She knows this and it makes her uncomfortable so that’s why she didn’t want to rush a friendship. She’s probably hoping you will come to terms with the situation and be gracious about it without requesting more. It was your choice to either accept a friendship or walk away. You are the one who decided to stay and take a chance that she would change her mind. If the situation with your parents has been resolved, then focus to resolve the other issues she asked you to think about. I don’t like to say give up, but if the phone call on the 22nd is more of the same, you need to seriously think about whether you should remain in the situation because your begging and hoping will be detrimental to her and to yourself. Try to curb your anxieties and focus on your nursing studies.

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She basically said that she wants to be my friend because I am a “cool person” and she basically wants us to do the same things, minus the commitment.

I don’t think my feelings for her will subside in a month, so I’m seriously considering telling her no at this point, but I don’t want to blow my chances.

5

I ended up canceling my upcoming Oscars party. She was invited to come, but I’m too emotional and broken to be hosting a party of any kind, even if it’s small.

I feel so pathetic. I find myself at work crying to myself all of the time.

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@sansa - I don’t think your feelings will subside either, that’s why I said maybe you should make a decision one way or the other on the 22nd. Because unless she changes her mind about a reconciliation, you have no other reasonable option. I have a feeling if you decided to accept her idea about hanging out, even though it would be fun, you would ask her questions again. In the long run, you would end up feeling much more depressed and sad. There’s a very slim chance that if you can be a good friend without putting pressure on her, she might change her mind. But it’s a long shot. Then over time, you would come to a conclusion as to whether there would ever be a reuniting and at that time, you could make a clean break. I’m sorry you’re so sad, but try to pull yourself together until you know more after the next conversation on Feb 22.

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There’s a very slim chance that if you can be a good friend without putting pressure on her, she might change her mind. But it’s a long shot. Then over time, you would come to a conclusion as to whether there would ever be a reuniting and at that time, you could make a clean break

What do you mean by this, @patricia12?

Basically, I would rather she work on herself like she wants to, but on her own without me in her life. Then, when she feels she is ready, we could try again. Putting a second chance off the table completely after she tells me what she wants is basically the same as what we have now seems so… I don’t even know… unreasonable? Naive? Whatever it may be, it just seems off to me.

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@sansa - What that means is that after she 'works on herself and resolves her anxiety or confusion issues and comes to the conclusion that she just wants to be friends and not have a romantic relationship with you, it will probably wound your heart to try and maintain a casual friendship. If you can accept a friendship, that’s fine. But you want more. Hopefully she will change her mind about a reconciliation, but if she doesn’t, you will be in for a world of hurt.
You wrote:“She basically said that she wants to be my friend because I am a “cool person” and she basically wants us to do the same things, minus the commitment.” The part about minus the commitment, will be the hard part for you. I don’t see anywhere in your notes where she mentions that she would want to try again when she feels ready. That might be your idea or hope, I don’t know, but she didn’t say that. Being friends because she enjoys being with you and you’re cool is what is mentioned. So friendship is what she offering you. Maybe that will change, but only time will tell. I wish you the best…

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Thank you for your support/advice. It does help, and I know that my feelings will probably not change in 20 days or so. But I’d rather be on good terms with her and show her how much she means to me, even as friends, so that maybe she’ll change her mind.

I’m starting to feel somewhat better about it. I’m getting used to not talking to her every day, and I haven’t seen her for almost a month.

I’ve read elsewhere that I can gain power back by agreeing to be her friend. That it doesn’t mean that hope is lost - it’s just a convenience for her to continue to see me, which I guess means that it’s more opportunity for her to see how I grow as a person.

Of course, I can’t really help with her problems, which are basically that she absorbs other people’s emotions too easily, and that she is a problem solver, even though she knows that she has to let other people handle their own problems.

As you mentioned, only time will tell :confused:

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@sansa - Yes being a good friend offers the opportunity for her to observe your changes. I pray the conversation on the 22nd goes well…

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@patricia12

Thank you for all of your support. It means a lot to me.

I actually ran into her a few days ago. I had somewhere to go, so it was a very short encounter. The meeting was strictly small talk, but she seemed like she was uncomfortable.

I, on the other hand, maintained my composure and asked how she was. She said she was cold, and that she thought that it was Friday all day (it was Thursday). I mentioned how I was good, that it was like a Friday for me because I had the next day off.

And then we went our separate ways. Haven’t spoken to her since.

It felt good, because I felt that I regained some control on that I wasn’t nervous nor scared to see her.

She definitely seemed a bit flustered.

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Texted her saying I could no longer talk on the 22nd - which is absolutely true.
She has yet to respond. Not sure where I’m going from here.

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@sansa - Good grief! You two made a decision to talk on the 22nd and then you text to say you can’t? Well, you’ve just created more drama again, haven’t you?

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Things come up out of my control - I have a function to attend with my dad, and I work that day… I’d rather have more time to talk than restrict our time to only about 20min