Dear Community,
my girlfriend broke up with me a few weeks ago. In the first weeks we tried to stay good friends, but nowadays she just says that she is stressed out, not only about me but about everything like her family etc.
I tried to do everything to get her back, I really acted like clingy whiny *****. But I really just could not do anything about it… I felt kinda lost. After seeing her again a few days ago, she felt really **** and mad about me, for being that intrusive.
She is a vietnamese girl and I am a “foreigner”. This was the only reason we broke up. She said that her family wants her to have a vietnamese boyfriend as they want to talk to the family once they get married. She is afraid of getting excluded from her family, so she rather dumped me than her family.
Guys I really need your help, if there is any chance of getting her back… tell me what´s to do. Did I already screwed it up ? I really could have dealt with the breakup if it was related to our relationship, but the relationship itself was just perfect, so it is really hard to accept this fact.
Sorry for my bad english, I am from austria 
I already wrote it elsewhere, but I did not receive any answer unfortunately I really need answers to feel better
Sincerely,
Steve
@steve1321 - I’m sorry for your situation. How long were you a couple and was it a long distant relationship? Did you meet in person often? The traditions of her culture make it a very difficult decision for her to go against the wishes of her family! You’ve already acted clingy and probably begged and pleaded a lot. Now there’s nothing more you can do. She is stressed out enough and doesn’t want anymore intrusion. You could try no contact for a month or more and see if she reaches out to you. If she doesn’t change her mind, best for you to move on, but give her some time. Wishing you much luck:)
Hey patricia,
thanks for your time and support 
We have been together for 2 years. We also lived together for about the same time. So yeah, we have seen each other almost everyday.
I know that I have acted like a little kid, but it is just so hard to accept that a perfect relationship has ended because of her family. We planned our future, kids, marriage etc. and now I am left with nothing but a broken heart and self-doubts.
It is not only the relationship with her, we have been best friends and I just did not want to miss her in my life.
Furthermore I can not live with the idea that she is forced into a life that she does not want. In long-terms I do not care about myself, I just want her to be happy with her life and not only her family.
To give u some more background knowledge:
A few years ago she told her parents that she has a boyfriend, but her mother was so sad and angry about it that they did until she broke up with her ex-boyfriend. This fact was so embarrassing for her mother that she did not tell this the rest of the family till this day.
So yeah, I can really understand that my ex is afraid of risking it again or even telling her parents about me(she just told it her cousin(confidentially) after almost 2 years which told it her aunt => they convened a “family council” to show/tell her that they want here to have a vietnamese boyfriend).
If she does not message me after like 1 month, should I really just go for a clean-cut or do I try to reach her once more ? For example if I am done with hit…ready for a friendship or sth. like that ?
Sincereley
@steve1321 - How could you have lived with her for almost 2 years and her parents didn’t know? Did you live together in Vietnam or Austria? Where is she now and where are you now? If you’re both in Vietnam, why are you there so far away from home? I guess the logistics are confusing me, lol. If she already broke up with a previous boyfriend because of her parents wishes, it seems that she is more devoted to them and their ways than pursuing what SHE wants. And apparently she’s already sacrificed her own happiness in the past to please them. If she doesn’t reach out to you after about a month, maybe try one more time to persuade her, but if that fails, it would be better for you to make a clean cut instead of lingering in wishful thinking and longing for her. I don’t know if you could handle a simple friendship and it might just prolong your agony. I’m from the United States, so I don’t understand the domination of certain rules by parents. It makes more sense to me that parents would want to see their children happy above all else…
Her parents are living in Austria aswell. They have a little restaurant about 2hours from my house(where we have lived together).
The rest of her family is living in Vietnam.
And here is the huge problem. I just can not understand why her family is against a foreign boyfriend, I mean they are living here, earning their money here. My ex-girlfriend even told me that they like the austrian people, they just do not want their daughter to date someone of them.
She broke up with her boyfriend 7years ago, she is now 27. But she still does not live her life as she wants, she subordinates herself to her parents.
The part that hurt me the most(this just came up now while writing this, i have forgotten this fact) is that she said a while ago that she does not want to control her life, that she is ok with getting directed just to make them proud… proud is the wrong word, it is more like not getting bothered by them.
As I mentioned before she is more deeply connected to this culture than the vietnamese one.
I am just afraid that I do not find the right words once she messages me or we meet up again.
I wish that my english would be better as it is pretty hard to express my real feelings and thoughts, but I hope you can get a hint of my situation.
@steve1321 - I guess her parents thought she was working and supporting herself while living in her own apartment, but in reality, she was living with you. Wanting to make her parents “proud” is a good word as it indicates she wants and needs their approval. Strange how the approval of parents and family is paramount in some cultures. It’s as if betrayal would possibly cause parents to ‘disown’ their children. Maybe the children are even threatened with abandonment if they stray from tradition. Maybe this idea is instilled at a very young age. I can’t understand why her parents are against foreign cultures either, but these kind of beliefs are handed down from generation to generation. I’m assuming you both speak German, but your English is very good and I think I understand what you’ve tried to express. Don’t worry about finding the right words to talk with your ex! She knows how you feel and what you want, so the perfect words don’t matter. It’s the love and desires of your heart she will feel… I guess you’ve never met her parents, but perhaps if you talked with them, it would help. Maybe that’s another idea to think about. Maybe they will soften and be more willing to accept you if they get to know you?
I guess that it is still a huge problem that she is financial dependent on her parents. Yes she speaks German. As I mentioned before she grew up in Germany(>23years).
She even mentioned that the part of the family that she has told about me is the more liberal part, so if even those guys are against us there would be no chance at all to make it happen.
She also mentioned(wow that´s kinda amazing what emotions and memories are coming up while writing this) that she had such thoughts(that they would never accept it etc.) sometimes while our relationship was still intact, but the love and feeling were stronger.
But after her family’s intervention she just could not image anymore to live “against” her family.
I am still hoping that it is just a phase that she has to deal with and once she gets over it she will realize that we are meant to stay and live together.
I have already suggested to her that we can speak to her parents, but she just brought up the story with her old boyfriend again. In her eyes there is really no chance to get her family behind the “us”. And now we are at the point again that makes me so unbelievable sad.
She gives up without even trying, because she is too afraid of the former experiences.