She definitely won’t contact you based on a comment she made in the heat of the moment? I disagree. Just that comment alone “Ban yourself.” lacks rationality. That is not how no-contact is initiated.
Usually if you annoy your ex enough, she will just block you without saying a word of warning. Even that block is usually just temporary because it was in the heat of the moment where she just wanted a break to clear her head and gain control of the situation. Your ex didn’t even do that. She said “Ban yourself.”
If my ex ever said that, I would have a hard time taking her seriously in regards to the breakup. I mean she is perfectly capable of blocking me herself, and she did just that after a heated exchange where I said things I regretted. Within 4 months I was unblocked. It’s not just her, it happens in worse breakups than yours all the time.
My advice to you, Lee, is to try to stop seeing it as negative. You seem to be seeing things as worse than they are. Don’t take everything she said as how she will always feel. What is said in the moment often isn’t how they really feel in the long term. However, how we continue to respond to it determines if that momentary feeling becomes long term.
Yes, your ex really does want a lot of space at the moment and no-contact is going to have an affect on her too, but my impression based on what you said is that she has left the door open as she isn’t sure she wants the breakup permanently. So let’s let her see that life isn’t all that great without you and how mature and strong you are by staying full no-contact until she is ready to reachout to you. I predict that will be within 4 to 6 months, based on what you shared here.
Both of you should continue to focus on yourselves and try to not think of them too much. A watched pot will not boil. Your exes will contact you when you are not looking.
I want to add that the day of your breakup is not the day your ex told you she/he wanted to breakup or even the day of the big blowup fight where your exes decided that they are done with you.
The day of your breakup is the day you went no-contact. Why? Because prior to that day you were not giving your ex the breakup they said they wanted. You were still communicating one way or another. Sometimes that is because the ex kept in contact with you. The day you went no-contact is the day they began to experience life without you and that is the date you should measure the progress from.
Thanks Seth for your advice it really does help a lot
It’s been 5 weeks since we last spoke so I guess the no contact started then. It’s started because she ignored my last message, she still has and it shows as unread. I haven’t message dher since. Previous to this I messaged her after I was the last to message previous. This time I haven’t contacted her since she has ignored me. In a way I find it rude, so if she can ignore me and post all happy stuff over social media as if I don’t exist why should I contact her?
You’re right Seth the whole break up was very amicable, we even said we’d keep in touch but she seems to have a different idea now. Maybe she is expecting me to message her again like previously but I have not and won’t now. As much as I like her I also have a bit of self respect and if someone ignores you like this why should I try. I just can’t believe after a long three year relationship she cut me off like this. As hard as it has been I’m very glad I haven’t messaged her again. At least I’m not lowering myself to chasing someone who doesn’t respond to me.
I would love for her to get in touch and who knows but right now I think she’s just getting on, which is fine and so I am. My anxiety has lowered a lot so for anyone reading this finding it tough, stick with it because it does get better.
So you mean the last time you messaged her was 5 weeks ago and no contact since then dude?
That is exactly right. She IS expecting you to message her again. She is feeling the loss of the relationship because she sees you are not on her hook anymore. So, she is trying to provoke you into messaging her to get you back on her hook. Posting all those happy pictures are attempts to convince you and herself that she is really happy and to provoke you into saying something about it. People who are content with their lives don’t need to broadcast it. Even just a simple “hello” message will assure her that you are still thinking about her and that she is still safe to come back to you whenever she wants. Don’t give her that message.
Eventually she will begin to doubt herself and become frantic that maybe you are not thinking about her after all and that you are moving on. That is when she will start thinking about contacting you. How you respond is very important. If you respond in a way that implies you were thinking about her all this time and you miss her so much, she will just think “yep, he is still on my hook.” and go back to ignoring you. But, if you respond in a way that implies you had been just fine without her, that you had been busy living your life and barely had time to think of her, that will look attractive. She will want to be part of that. Be polite, friendly and most of all cheerful when she contacts you to portray confidence and security, not neediness and depression.
I am still concerned about you still being on her friend list. She knows that you are seeing her posts. I am afraid that when she decides this current method of provoking you isn’t working, she will unfriend you and that is what will get a reaction from you. I am also concerned that the two of you are competing on who looks the happiest on Facebook. Even she will eventually see through that and realize it is fake.
Thanks for the tips Seth on if/when she contacts. Time will tell but fingers crossed!
that’s correct Lee five weeks since we last spoke.
I’m still on her friends list, if Shen un friends then nothing I can do. A couple of weeks she did disappear from Facebook messenger…Or turn it off…I have never known her to do that in the time I have known her. It was for just a day, I didn’t think at the time was she trying to get a reaction from me, but I will never know that. She later turned it on again and hasn’t been off since.
I would say with competing posts, she is posting a hell of a lot more than me. I have been very careful about what I post and when. I have made it to be not out of the ordinary, just when I do something or been somewhere, not everywhere I will just post about it. I haven’t posted any selfies etc that is not my thing. I have even gone over a week without posting anything.
That sounds good about your posting frequency. If you take a trip or something, that is a good thing to post and yes we want her to see that. Her posting as frequently as you say, really does sound like an attempt to get to your attention and make you jealous.
I like the way Kevin says it:
"Is your ex trying to make you jealous? Do they post pictures on facebook specifically to push your buttons? Are they going out of their way so that you know that they are dating someone new? Do they become extra flirtatious with other people when you are around? Then congratulations, your ex is probably still in love with you (aside from being a little immature).competitive_ex
What your ex is trying to do is win the post breakup competition. Not only is it a pretty immature way of dealing with the breakup, it’s also a very ineffective way. The fact that they are doing this means that you are on their mind most of the time. And the fact that you are still on their mind means that they are still in love with you."
I had this happen earlier which was awful. I was driving back from getting the kids and stuck in traffic and Soph and her so Olly were there walking on the other side of the road and waved to each other, really has set me back I’m so upset
It’s just the way she is posting, it just seem too happy happy. Or she is just very happy I am out of her life. I’m starting to feel a bit angry at her the way she has ignored me, I just keep thinking if the shoe was on the other foot, no way would I ignore her like she has with me. I also don’t think she loves me, she never said it back towards the end.
Lee I feel your pain, it’s like a stab in the heart man. I feel you, keep strong and ride it out of you can.
Its all I can do mate it’s breaking my heart
Your ex exaggerating her happiness is a typical sign that no-contact is working.
I explained a couple times the reason she is most likely ignoring your last message. Maybe if you go back and read that you will feel less angry.
Yes you’re right Seth I’ve read the last pages and it makes sense. It’s like it’s trying to be too upbeat and happy and jokey. Only time will tell now! I’m doing good in myself, promotion at work and keeping busy. Making sure I’m not sitting around too often…that’s when you start to think…keeping busy and improving things.
Glad you’re feeling good dreambig
Well after I saw my ex whilst driving Tuesday I’d just felt a real strong feeling that she was thinking about me, I tried to stay strong but last night I messaged her and she responded instantly, told me what she had been up to and asking about me. I then asked if she fancied going for a coffee and a catch-up a week Saturday and she’s said yes. I’m going to go no contact again now till late next week as I have asked to let me know where she fancies going and to let me know. Hoping these are positive steps but I know how much I’ve hurt her and she’s doing well now, had new tattoo and piercing and has fostered a dog, she sent me pics too
You broke no-contact very early and gave your power back to your ex. Now she is in control again and you are anxious because you know you hadn’t had any time to make changes and you are afraid you will screw it up, or that she will change her mind. You are completely at her mercy as you prepare to step back into the same relationship dynamic that she wanted out of. I would be nervous too if I were you.
I know it was thrilling that she responded as well as she did. I am happy you got to experience that. But, already you are a nervous wreck and you don’t know what to do next. My advice was for you to remain no-contact and let her come to you, so you would be on stable ground. You decided to ignore that and let your emotions lead the way. So, I am not sure I should bother giving more advice. I will say, go slow and keep it casual. I hope it works out.
All the best Lee I hope your meeting goes well.
As for me, well nothing! Still no contact she has posted a couple of pics showing gifts I bought her, like a top and she’s wearing it but I bought it her years and know that doesn’t really mean much, just nice she still wears it!
Feeling better in myself, still get the horrible missing feeling but that is just the way it is for now. Trying to start a new hobby too!
@dreambig, You sound like you are getting stronger and making healthy choices. I still feel very confident that your ex will be contacting you before long.
@Lee Brads becareful to not fall into the just friends trap. Review my earlier comments to read why that is bad.
Unfortunately Seth it’s my only way back in. I need to create that spark again and can only do that in person. She needs space I think she’s very conflicted she’s really done a lot to keep her busy to help take her mind off me so for her to agree to meet is a good sign mate but I do get your point