A little bit of my story…
Me and my partner just broke up about a month ago after 4,5 years together. He was 16 years older than me and his age was was a big issue to him. 4 months ago we had our baby being stillborn at almost in full term pregnancy. It was a huge tragedy for both of us as it was our first most wanted child (my partner is 55 and no children). I must admit our relationship was on troubled ground for some time. He has decided to break up in the most cruel way by asking me to move out of his house within 2 weeks…
I moved out, my life is pieces, I was left dealing with loss of my child/returning to work/broke relationship all at once…
After not contacting him for 3 weeks, we met each other and had a chat. He clearly has got feelings for me, however he wants me to move on, to find a younger partner to have kids with. He is clearly low self-confidence, dwelling on past and negatives (there some deep issues in family) and wants me leave him alone. I go through counselling and I understand there deep family issues+ losing our baby + not ideal relationship+ age issues…
I hurt to see him like that… I want to help and make him feel good about himself, I want to make him happy… All he says there no hope for us, I am drugging a “dead horse”…
Should I move on and not fight for him and our relationship?
Is that him being weak and leaving me to deal with everything by pushing me away and running from problems?
I would be grateful if someone share same experience
Thank you in advance
I didn’t have the same experience, but I know a little bit about the male ego. First, men want to deal with and solve their own issues because they think that’s what men are supposed to do. Also, he is thinking of you because you’re reaching an age where it would be difficult to have children and with a younger partner the chances for success are better. So considering everything, he feels the break up is best for both of you. Asking you to move out was something he thought through and didn’t take lightly, but considers it the final step. He also has low self esteem and family issues which may take years to resolve. If he hasn’t seen a counselor, it might be a good idea to do so. But at this point, trying to reason with him won’t work. Don’t fight for the relationship. If he changes his mind, he can let you know.
My condolences on the loss of your baby, his as well.
Patricia,
Thank you so much for your reply… I read it through again and again. Yes, I realise than more I fight than more I pushing him away. However, he was happy to see me over Easter and seemed to have very mixed emotions right now. We had a chat and he agreed to go through counselling. Knowing that I’m there for him would it not make him feel better? I don’t want him to sink into depressions. He started gambling again (past issues), he stopped going to the gym, he mentioned that he didn’t go out with friend to avoid any conversation…
Is this his way finding himself? Should I just walk away and leave him alone to deal with his issues?
He is still asking if I already seeing someone or who I was getting calls from?
Or knowing that I’m still there and trying to get him back boast his ego and that what he is looking for?
I might be wrong, but I feel he still has got feelings for me… What are the chances he changes his mind?
Thanks for your time and kindness
Yes, I’m sure he still has feelings for you. Knowing you’re concerned and that you’re there for him, would most likely make him feel better, but he is already in a depression. The things he’s doing are his way of coping with grief right now, but it won’t fix anything. The sooner he sees a counselor, the better. He needs to deal with his own issues, but if he contacts you for comfort and advice, help him in any way you can by listening or giving advice if he asks etc. You could also text, call, email, or see him occasionally to see how he’s doing. I don’t know if you moved to a place near him where he might drop over to talk or you could go over to see him sometimes, but you could always meet up somewhere if you both agree. Don’t talk about getting back together as that will add more pressure and stress on him. Just focus on his well being. Maybe do something fun or pleasant and relaxing together sometime. No contact would probably do more harm than good in your situation so the steps on this site don’t seem to apply. Maybe he asks if you’re seeing or talking to someone else, because in his mind, it might mean you’re turning your back on him, so to speak. Maybe it’s because he wants to know if the door is still open if and when he might change his mind, but there’s no way to know the chances of that at this point. But you can’t put your own life on hold for him. Just do whatever you think is best for you. If that’s waiting or moving on, it’s okay, because you can still maintain a connection with him either way…
Thanks for your reply Patricia.
He has not returned my call for 2 days and suddenly today he has sent me an official email that he wanted me to remove his name from my car insurance (it was on our both names) and there no need for any contacts, unless contacts made via his sister. I feel that after seeing me and realising that I am still missing and want him back, he rejected me again… Seems that it s me, who are ready to work hard at our relationship, if only he could let me…
Perhaps I’m focused too much on looking after him that I neglecting looking after myself? Than more I try, than more I hurt…
Remove him from the car insurance. It takes both people who want to repair a relationship to do it. One alone is not enough. He knows how you feel and what you want, so give him time. I truly hope he sees a counselor as his problems have been long standing and seem overwhelming to him. I’m sorry to hear he only wants contact through his sister because he obviously doesn’t want direct contact from you for the time being…that may change, but hard to say. Anyway, maybe contact the sister after a couple of weeks just to find out how he’s doing. Don’t put her in the middle of your situation by asking if he might want you back etc…
You’ve done all you can and yes, you need to look after yourself. I’m very sorry you’re hurting, but you can get through this in time.
Thanks Patricia.
It has been a month since I moved out. If I honest with myself, I realise that I need to move on and stop looking back and wait for him. What I find it hard that mixed signals and emotions he sends me. I have collected my suitcases and rest of my belongings from his house. I was surprised that instead to leave them just outside for me to pick up (after rejecting to speak to me), he brought them into my car and we had a chat. He was fine at first and I tried to avoid any discussion about relationship and past. Suddenly he went very emotional and got upset, he started blaming me in this situation, saying it all my fault, that his pain is beyond to bear, he started to cry. I just kept the silence and he went over and over through everyone that upset him in our relationship. He didn’t say anything new, just dwelling on negativism, blaming me even that’s as my fault too he experienced such feelings. I feel trapped as he doesn’t mind see me, but same time he cannot move from situation and do something about it rather getting upset and talk things over and over.
Then he asked me why do I need my suitcases and if I’m going away. I said I have 2 weeks off now and might go somewhere. He didn’t take it good, in wishing me a great holiday and commenting “I m sure it a guy younger than me”, he didn’t want to hear me. I did say I tried my best to solve this: offering to go for counselling together, to give each other space and live separately for time being, to take holidays together, etc…
I know he hurt a lot, he has lost his way, he said now I’m trying to make him feel guilty for what he has done. He kept saying I look good and very attractive and any man would be happy to be with me, but he is too old and cannot provide a life-style I need (bigger house, etc)…
I feel like he wants me to go but cannot let it go, if that makes sense? Is he awaiting for me to continue to fight, rescue and reassure him in his future? If he made such decision to remove me from his life why he keeps saying “we are not good for each other and why do you need a man older that you, do you need a pensioner, when I’m 70 , you will be 54…, you got your youth and can have a child with a younger man…”
Is he trying to convince himself?is he waiting for me to give him all that confidence he is lacking for?
Patricia, do you think there is any chance to recover our relationship? does he have feeling for me? Would the wish to solve the problems stronger than just being depressed and blaming me for his pain? Does he need a time? A help ? Or me being strong to leave him alone in his path for my own sanity?
Thank you so much for your time and kind words…
Is he really afraid finally losing me? So far I was contacting him and from now and then he sees me…
I have my own flat which is very near to his house, I’m currently awaiting for my tenant to move out end of May. I know it will be very hard for me again to move back and live near him in 1,5 month. I did mentioned my thoughts about selling my flat to which he didn’t react well.
So selling my property, going away for couple of weeks is something he cannot bear? Is that sort of controlling?
You can’t give him confidence, it’s something that’s within each individual or not. He may feel sad and angry with himself for hurting you (asking you to move out etc), but turns it’s around like it’s your fault. It’s a defensive mechanism. Take what he says with a grain of salt and don’t argue about it. Of course he has feelings for you and misses you. Maybe his depression will eventually result in him trying to solve his problems by seeing a therapist. I really think he needs to see one! It’s not controlling for him to voice his concerns about you meeting a younger man or being out on your own. He knows you’re on his side and want him to get better psychologically speaking. He needs some time to himself to realize the path he’s taken is making him miserable. Miserable enough to make him want to seek professional help. His issues are so deep seated that it seems only a counselor could help him.
Sorry you’re going through this…
Hi Patricia
Hope you are well
It has been nearly 2 months since we split up. I saw him yesterday at the crematorium as the plaque was on for our baby. It was very emotional.
We had a chat. He still sounds very bitter and upset about whole situation, if not aggressive. He wouldn’t let me talk, just go over and over again about past, situations that hurt him. I wonder Why after 2 months he is still dwelling on past? Because he is hurt? Because he has no one to talk about it? In few occasions he even got to the point screaming at me, completely losing control? Does he hate me so much that cannot control himself? He blames me in everything, even that his business is not successful. I feel like I was thrown out of his life and punished for all his problems, I multiply all those blamed x 10 and don’t feel good about myself. I cannot believe this is a man, I knew loving, caring and kind… However he still asking personal questions, he went very angry asking me about my ex, he reacted badly to anything that comes about another men.
I sense so much aggression… I don’t want to carry all these blame and bitterness for rest of my life, but he won’t give me that feeling of let it go with a good wish to each other.
Is Being aggressive and defensive part of the grieving process? Would he ever stop and think or this is an easier way for him to deal with break up? Would he hate me for years now?
I said to him if it’ made him feel better about himself and our situation that I was happy to take all the blame and accusation on me. I said if I was such a bad part and unluck in his life than by letting me go - makes him a happy person from now on. Then I drove away.
I torn apart. I hurt again. U.S. This what he is looking for? Sort of validation from me? To see me crying and waiting for him? Does this all sound to you that he chose the behaviour to cope with situation and to help him to move on?
Thank you for your time
Okay-now this is starting to scare me. He continues to dwell on the past and hasn’t sought professional help. He blames you for everything bad in his life. He kicked you out, but seem jealous of other men. He has extreme anger issues with you and he’s out of control. Mix all of that (with or without alcohol) and he might plan to harm you in some way! Stay away from this guy! DO NOT carry the blame or feel guilty about anything. Don’t feel sorry for him and don’t feel badly about yourself (ever). He blew everything way out of proportion and he may never get the help he so desperately needs. Think these things through logically and I pray that you can clearly see that you deserve so much better. Please take care of yourself…