After No Contact and first meeting: The next step...

reconciliation
1

Hi guys,

I just want to share my story with you guys, and get your opinion about what I should do next.

Me and my ex broke up 7 weeks ago, after a pretty much flawless 4 year relationship. We didn’t live together, but did saw each other up to 3 days each week. In short the reason for the break up was loss of trust from his part. He caught me messaging with other guys on apps and whatsapp. I never actually cheated on him, but obviously this hurt him a lot. He just didn’t know what to do anymore, and lost trust in me.

I implemented the no contact rule directly after the break up. After a little over 30 days I contacted him and he said it was way too soon to meet up again (I didn’t suggest we should, he just assumed that). I told him that was not my intention, and went on to try to make a conversation with him. He didn’t respond.

The next week I gave it another try. This time no message, but just a picture on snapchat which should’ve made him laugh. He actually responded to it and we had I short conversation. I ended it soon after. A couple of days later I tried the same thing again, this time there was no reply. The day after I got a message, he wanted to meet up to talk. I accepted and we went to get a coffee in town two days later. We talked and he told me he’s thinks we can never be together anymore because too much has happend. I said I didn’t expect anything different, and that I’m totally okay with te break up. I showed him myself and all the progress I made (it’s a lot, both physical as mental (professional help - self asteem, which was the main cause of the messages according to my psychologist, and so forth)). I asked him if he wanted to talk a little more, just as friends. He wants to, but he doesn’t know how to just yet. But he told me he wanted to try.

This now is two days ago. An hour after the meeting I sent him a message saying I liked talking to him, and that it was good to hear that he is doing well. He didn’t reply to it, he neither has to, but I was a little disappointed as we’d said we wanted to talk a little more.

Right now I don’t really know what to do next. I could either give him more time, let it all sink in. I somehow have to rebuild the trust with him, and this could obviously be a long process. And I think this can only be done by actual interaction, showing him who I am, als also rebuilding attraction. This is difficult, especially since I’m not sure if he’s open to a real positive conversation. We always texted a lot, so this would be the obvious way to start talking again.

What do you guys think? :smiley: And if you think I should talk to him, how should I start and build the conversation?

2

@Silhouette - I think you’ve contacted him enough. He doesn’t seem eager to text “talk”. Back off and allow him to initiate contact if he wants. I think it’s too early for either of you to attempt a friendship. Give it more time. You both need to heal from the breakup.

3

Thanks for the answer :slight_smile:

I should add that it was not completely my idea to start talking a little more (as friends) after we met. He was the one who brought it up, and I said that was the most important thing to me. And that I have no expectations (regarding relationship etc.). It’s especially the trust part I think is really difficult. I’ve given him a honest and open apology at the time, but trust just doesn’t come back in an instant.

You might be right that it’s still too early though. It’s just that I want to give getting back with him a honest and good try, because we are just so good together. But I’m not desperate by any means.

I’ve seen he’s active on various dating sites already, so that makes things a bit difficult, but also means he is probably still feeling the gap that was left when we broke up.

4

@Silhouette
You lost his trust because you were chatting with other guys while in a relationship with him. Of course he was hurt and I don’t understand why you did it. That aside, lots of casual texting will not build up attraction. You don’t want to be ‘just friends’ with him, right? If you continue contacting him in a casual way, he will start to think of you as a friend. Even though he said he doesn’t think you can ever be together again, he needs to feel what life feels without you for awhile. Hopefully someday after all the hurt feelings have passed, the two of you can have a calm discussion of what went wrong, why, and how to fix it. Seeing each other in person and having fun together is what builds attraction slowly over time. But now he’s on dating sites maybe looking for someone else and you’re free to do the same. Fill your time with spending more time with family, friends, doing things you enjoy etc…

5

@Patricia12 As for why I did it, I never knew why I did it. It felt like some kind of addiction I couldn’t stop. Of course I shouldn’t have done it, I hate myself for it, and how strange as it might sound it didn’t have anything to do with my love for him. But rather with myself, my own personal problems. Although I realize this doesn’t make it any better, it does matter as I’m resolving my personal problems. I’ve been having professional help for over a month now, and this has allowed me to finally find the actual cause to all of this. Honestly the problem was a lot deeper than I thought. It didn’t just cause this, also jealousy and various kind of problems which held me back in all parts of life. Without going into too much detail, because it’s all very personal, I think that it’s a good thing I got to address all of these problems in the right way. Even though I never wanted it to happen in the way it did.

At the moment I feel a lot calmer than before. I’m going to give it time. A lot of time. And you’re right, if he wants to get back in touch he’ll let me know. He still follows me on all social media, so he kan keep up with some things I’m doing (and up to a certain extent the progress I’m making, although I’m not that active on there). He’s a smart guy, and I’m sure he will be alright. No matter what. I have to focus on myself for now. And I guess I also need more time myself. And if we can have this conversation at some point in time it would be great, but if not, I also want to find some kind of peace with it.

One last thing, do you think he shouldn’t be confronted with me on a dating site (with my profile, I’m not going to talk to him)?

6

@Silhouette - Even though he put up a profile, if you put up a profile and he sees it, it will just confirm his idea that you can’t stay away from other men. Right now the focus should be on your therapy and getting better mentally and emotionally. Peace will come when you understand you had a big part in the breakup, but that you can’t go back and change what was done, yet you learned a valuable lesson going forward. It won’t be easy, but acceptance is the key. You will be a different person in the next relationship, whether with him or someone else. Wishing you the best…

7

Yes exactly. that’s also what I was thinking. I’m not planning to do so. I’m not mentally ready and I just don’t want to. It was just the idea of it.

Thank you for the words, it really helped putting everything in perspective. I’ll try my very best, but for now I’m going to put myself first. I think that’s for the best :slight_smile:

8

A couple questions…

If you went out with him again, would you still be texting other guys? Do you think it would be under control now? Does he know you are working on yourself and figuring out why you did it so you won’t do it again?

I think giving him time is a good idea but if you are willing to change, you need to make sure he understands that you are willing to change before you go no contact. Just saying “I won’t do it again” isn’t good enough when one person loses trust in another one.

One example thing to say is “what can I do so you will trust me going forward? Tell me what you need and I’ll do it for you. I’m sorry and I’m working on changing and understanding my behavior. Can we work on something so you don’t have to worry about trusting me?”

That way, they know you aren’t just saying “I won’t do it again” and that you are willing to work with them to ensure trust is maintained. He might have an answer. He might not. Then you can tell him you will go no contact if he wants that so he can take the time to process his feelings or you can just say going no contact for a while seems like the best thing to do so you can work on your stuff and he can process what he wants.

9

@mr_the_ex When we broke up I told him I would never do it again, that I thought it wasn’t worth it and things like that. At the moment I however didn’t yet know how to achieve it. I wanted to stop it immediately, and he rightfully said that was not the way to go since it would be likely that I will make the same mistake again sometime in the future. I told him I was going to find professional help, and after that I started no contact.

When I met him a couple of days ago we talked about it, and I told him how my therapy was going. I told him how we found the actual problems I had, and how I’m working on them. I didn’t go into too much detail, but he definitely knows I’m working hard and that I will be in a better place once my therapy is done. He also said I can’t change that much in one month time, and he’s right.

Do you think I should say this right now? He’s not really into talking too much to me at the moment, so that might be difficult. I’m going to give him and myself more time now, lots more time. Maybe it’s a good thing to say when we pick up contact again?

10

And to add to that, if I were to go out with him again I definitely won’t do it again! Ofcourse that’s an easy thing to say, but I’ve grown a lot already, and I’m confident that once I finish the therapy I will also be in the right place to keep that up in the future. Not just in the aftermath of all of this.

11

Honestly, it sounds like you know what is best for you to do right now and you are doing all the right things. I think you are the best person to make a decision whether you should talk to him now or not and if you do talk to him what to say. You really sound like you are doing everything you can. I wish you the best

12

@mr_the_ex Thank you! Honestly I think it’s also me trying to convince myself this is the best thing to do right now. Which also is quite difficult from time to time. I will most definitely try to keep doing my very best for him. I just need to give myself time to grow as a person. I’m just hoping we can start something new in some time from now. He’ll be here for 2,5 more years, and is likely to move to the US (I’m in Europe) for two years after that. So I’ll have to see what the time will bring…, and how we could possibly reconnect.

13

Alright guys. Here I am again. I’m some kind of pleased to be able to tell you that everything has changed since the last time I wrote on here. Right now I’m in good contact with my ex, we’re talking all day on Whatsapp and have seen each other 4 times in the past week. After the last meeting he even told me he missed talking to me, and he really liked it.

I do however have to explain how we got to this point. Over the past weeks I’ve been concentrating on myself. I’ve made some huge steps on personal levels, and was finally getting to the point where I could live with the way things were. Then, he sent me a message in which he asked me if I wanted to meet up. I agreed, and we went for a walk together. I told him about everything I’ve done, and stuff I came to know about myself. I wanted to tell him those things so that he could understand the whole situation better, and maybe get better closure himself. And of course I was hoping he could understand why I did what I did, so that in time he could ‘forgive’ me or something. But that wasn’t the primary goal.
Halfway through my story however he interrupted me, and said he had to tell me something as well. He told me he was ill, and that it was quite bad. I’m not going into detail here, but I can say he was/is fairly devastated by it. We both cried, and had a couple of long hugs. It felt good, and we both thought so. He however really needed me, at least as a friend. Since then we’ve seen each other 3 more times in the next 7 days. After the last time we met he told me he really missed talking to me, and even said he loves me. He also told me he trusts me completely, but I think he does want me to prove to him that I deserve his trust. And that’s slowly happening. He however does feel comfortable around me, and I personally still feel the same click with him as before (I didn’t have this when we met after 1 month of the break up).

Now you might think, that’s great, things should be easy from now on. I however I’m not too sure. He’s having a really hard time at the moment, and things like sex are not going to be possible for a while. Therefore he also doesn’t think he can be in a relationship right now. He feels he isn’t good enough for it. I think things are getting better already, I’ve seen him growing over the past week. But he’s also still keeping me away from him, as in he’s not letting me get too close. I understand that, seeing the situation, but I just don’t really know what to do next. I think there are three factors in play: the illness and his mental state, his family (he told them why the break up happend, and I feel he doesn’t want them to know we’re seeing each other) and also the trust (even though he said he trusts me, I think it needs to grow or at least be some kind of confirmed).

We’re talking pretty much all day, and we’ll see each other regularly from now on. I think I just have to do this, and slowly let him see who I am again. And hopefully he’ll fall back in love with me… I just don’t know wether we’ll become too much of ‘just friends’ if I’ll do it this way. What do you guys think or suggest in this situation? How should I build the attraction back up? Should I have patience, or should I tell him how I feel?

Thanks!!

14

From what I’ve read, you seem to love him and you are trying to do your best. That’s all anyone can ask for.

I don’t think anyone can give you better advice than you can, yourself.

If his illness is serious, it will affect his mindset and make him depressed. He likely won’t want as much contact even though he really needs it to keep his spirits up. And you are smart to know that it takes a long time to get trust back, its not something that happens in a month or two.

15

Somehow my message seemed to have disappeared… I don’t really know why. Anyways, here it is:

Hey guys! Warning; quite a story coming up! I just want to fill you guys in a little bit, and I also think it might help myself just by writing this down. So, after trying my very best me and my ex lost contact around Januari of last year. I went my own way, and he went his. For me it was hard at first, but it really was the only possible way at that time. He wasn’t in the right place at the time, and honestly neither was I.

In June he sent me a message, asking to meet up. He wanted to get back in touch with me. He said he missed me. I tried not to be too hopeful and basically tried protecting myself by not going all in straight away. A week or so later we met up and had a drink in the city. It was nice and it became clear that our connection was still very much there. He was doing a lot better, and so was I. After he left he started flirting with me on Whatsapp. It was all kind of cute. He however went traveling the day after, so I was not going to see him for at least another month, which was fine by me as I didn’t want to rush things anyways.

After he got back things changed quickly. He wasn’t answering my messages anymore and even though it was his idea to meet up soon after he got back, when I asked for it he was very distant. After doing some research I got the feeling he met someone while traveling, but I never was sure about that and I didn’t feel like asking either. He said he still was having trouble dealing with our past and everything that went down. It was a bit much for me, as I just didn’t understand since he was the one contacting me in the first place. I asked him if we could meet up to just talk about things, and maybe even work out some stuff. He replied that that wouldn’t work for him, and he blocked me. Everywhere. I was very angry as I think that’s just not the way you treat someone, especially someone you care about.

The months after I dated some other guys, without much luck. It however didn’t matter too much to me anymore. I kept thinking about my ex, but not as much as before. There were mostly questions about the way our contact ended as I just didn’t understand why he would do it in such a way. I had never expected such a rude thing of him. I however never reached out to him, as I thought it wouldn’t work anyways. All hope was gone, and maybe that was for the better I thought. I tried to move on, again.

A few weeks back and some four months after the last contact with my ex I decided to try out some online dating website on which you start off without seeing each other. Only a couple of minutes after I got on there I started talking to this guy. He was really sweet and we had lots of common interests. I have to admit there were also some explicit conversations, but it was definitely a match in all areas. The day after I asked for some pics, and you can probably feel this coming; it was my ex! It was very surreal and I didn’t know what to do. I actually was fairly disappointed as I thought he would probably just block me once he knew it was me he’d been talking to.

This however was not the case. He unblocked me on Whatsapp and we had some very intensive conversations the days after. After a week or so we met up. We started off by having a good conversation about what exactly had happened and how we both were doing. Turned out he indeed was dating someone. I made it very clear that he has to be honest with me at all times and could never ever do something like that to me again. I actually ended up sleeping at his place that very evening. There was some strange kind of tension between the two of us, but I think it was mostly just the both of us being a bit weird about what actually was happening. We did have amazing sex that night, even though in hindsight I’m not sure that was the right thing to do. Especially after reading the guide again. On the other hand, it did bring us very close again and it felt just so good.

After this meeting the contact faded slightly. We are both very busy, and I didn’t want to be the only one putting in an effort either. Partly to protect myself I guess, and partly to not be too ‘easy’ for him. I thought it might’ve been just a one-time thing, so I didn’t get my hopes up. However, the conversations did pick up again and he was the one putting in the effort. Coming Thursday I’m meeting him again and I’m actually pretty thrilled about it. I’m however not too sure as to how to approach this right now. The connection between the two of us is still there, and so is the sexual attraction. I just want to try to build something between the two of us again.

If any of you have any tips on how to approach this they’d be very welcome! Although I think this time around it’ll probably be a lot more relaxed, and therefore easier, as apposed to last time. Which is beneficial for me as I always get very nervous about these kind of things :slight_smile:

16

Are you still in therapy? Does he trust you won’t be messaging other guys? What about his serious illness?

Just be yourself and try not to be nervous.

Also don’t get back into the habit of bombarding him with a lot of texts.

17

No longer the whole therapy, that’s finished. But I’m still seeing a psychologist for normal stuff. He’s come to grips with his illness, and without going to deep into it, it’s a chronic but he’s got little to no daily problems with it anymore thankfully.

I’ll try to be myself, I think this time it will be a lot easier. The meeting was postponed until next Tuesday because he fell ill, but that should be alright :slight_smile:

Haha no I won’t, I’m way more relaxed with those things now, and that’s for the better. Thanks for the reply!