I met this guy like a year ago by a friend who actually liked him (at that point I was also dating another guy so despite he flirted with me when we met I didn’t respond to him). Casually we met again after a month while we were waiting for the bus (I was already single) and we exchanged numbers. After that, we started texting and calling each other, we started going out and we became friends. At the beginning of this year we became FWB as both were in the position of not wanting anything serious. As FWB we broke all rules possibles, as we were going out every week, I used to stay at his place every weekend, we used to text and call each other practically daily. As that we last four months, but with more intimacy and time spent together started some issues of lack of communication(how do you actually communicate about needs in a relationship when you don’t even have one). So finally a few weeks ago he told me we needed to stop with the benefits and keep the friendship. I said yes, and got into Tinder. My date was unsuccessful, I was comparing the efforts of the new guy with the quality of time with my friend(that I was still seeing) so I realised I was actually starting to develop feelings for my FWB! As we were still meeting during the weekends the last time he told me that the reason he kind of freaked out was that he had stopped seeing other girls and that the situation was turning confusing, that gave me braveness to tell him the next day that I was starting to develop feelings for him…he said nothing, so I did what I thought was necessary. I told him I needed a break from him in order to help both of us to move on. Today I sent him a parcel with a few things I borrowed from him (I asked him previously about returning them to him and he said he wanted me to give them to him face to face or that he could wait until I get rid my ideas of stop talking to him). I told him I was erasing him from all my media as I didn’t want to get in touch with him until I feel ready for that (I needed to put all my crap together). So far it has been a week. I kind of feel guilty because I know that we agreed that we were going to stop whenever one of us didn’t feel comfortable with the situation, but it was starting to feel so wrong staying by his side making myself fake ideas of at least sleeping again with him (I do think I deserve much more than that). When I told him I needed a break he said he didn’t like the idea of losing contact, that we were supposed to stay like friends…So by now, I don’t know if I am over-reacting and if I should continue with the rule of no contact (in this sense I see it more as an option for me to forget about him rather of making him come back to me as we were not actually dating)… I am not even sure of the kind of feelings I developed for him or if it is just that got used being with him…
@america__007 ~ He apparently doesn’t want a romantic relationship. He only wants a friendship. Give yourself plenty of time with the no contact to get over him and date other guys in the meantime. Hard to say if he would ever want a proper relationship with you or not and since you’re confused anyway, it’s best to move on for now.
Thank you Patricia, I think you are right! He told me since the beginning he didn’t want a relationship (at least not with me), then the last time I met with him he told me he was feeling confused about our situation (but I guess he just referred to the situation of us spending way too much time together) so I started thinking on the way I was feeling about him and I just screwed things more. I guess sadly women we tend to listen just what we want, dismissing the actual facts…
So far it has been a week without contact. I closed all my social networks before we ‘split’ because I was also struggling to concentrate and get some really URGENT work done, collaterally I have no idea about him and he hasn’t tried to contact me.
I am not sure how good idea it would be to try to become friend with him again at some point? the weird thing is that we became real friends once we started sleeping together as we used to have these super long conversations before and after sex. So intimacy made everything so confusing (I remember I didn’t even like him that much before we started having these long conversations)…
Also, I don’t want to be mean with him as actually, he was a really good person who never mistreated me. What could be the right length to apply the NCR in this situation? I am not intending to get him back (he was never mine), I am just taking my time to recover myself and get my mind clearer…
@Amercia__007 - You must always listen to what a guy says and take it literally, as in he’s confused and doesn’t want a relationship with you. Don’t contact him for another 3 weeks and even longer if you need to sort out your feelings of whether or not you can handle a platonic friendship with him. I’m so sorry for your situation and hope it turns out well for both of you…
Indeed…yes, I kind of regret getting emotional toward this guy…Anyway, today finishes my first week of NC which I assume as a step forward as before we split we still messaged daily and hung out a couple of times until I realised I was just feeling miserable about it…It also helped the fact that I deleted him from my phone and I took a break from social media so that helps to reduce the anxiety of wanting to stare at him…If you have any suggestions to get over the process, easier everything is welcome!
@America_007 ~ I understand it’s difficult not to think of him and not to hope for more than a friendship, but glad you got through a week without contacting him! He needs time to think seriously about what he wants. If it’s just friendship and you can accept that in due time without hoping for more, he will probably be a good friend to you. However, do NOT hang out every weekend and do NOT text or call frequently. Above all, don’t have sex with him again (as much as you might want to). Having sex with someone in an exclusive loving relationship is the best feeling in the world and you deserve that. In the meantime, staying away from social media is a good idea. Try not to obsess about him and the minute you catch yourself doing so, divert your attention to something else. Focus on your job, family, and friends. Go out and enjoy doing things you like or pick up a new hobby if you don’t have one. Hope is a sad thing as it keeps you stuck thinking about what might have been or what could be someday. Then you loose your attention on other nice guys who might want to give you what you deserve such as a loving relationship:) Good luck and keep us posted…
Things are going well. After a detox week and a half applying the NC and almost a month since we split/end the fwb, I am definitely feeling better!!!
This is the first time I am putting myself and my feelings/emotions forward. And I recognise I needed to see things more objectively, as there were ISSUES about the personality of this guy that I just let go. Like the fact that he previously mentioned he will never date someone older than him for something serious -I’m 34 he is 30, but does that make me less likeable? then why he want to keep me as a friend?; or that he implied in a different occasion that I was stupid, on that time I stopped talking to him for a week until I got fully convinced he was never going to mistreat me as that; or that he call ‘fags’ lgbt people when he knows I am a total supporter/volunteer of the lgbt movement.
I mean, he also has super nice details and behaviours. At the end of the day he is not a monster, but by now I am trying to put everything in a scale to define if the person he actually is can match with the type of friends I like to be surrounded by…
Anyway, I will keep with NC for the 30 days and then will let him know if I do want to continue as his friend or if it is better that we forget about each other…
It has been almost a month (it will be on Monday) since I started applying the NCR and since then I didn’t have any news from him… I still thinking on him, but I am not sure if I should try to resume the friendship or if I would be doing better by letting him go.
It is really sad that after such a good friendship of almost a year everything turned blurry and now we are not even talking. Somehow I also feel a little disappointed about him, as he has not done any effort to contact me. I know I asked him time to set my mind on us not been any more together, but we were supposed to be really good friends…
I really feel confused about how I should manage things…
@America007
You deserve better friends than him. Move on and you will be happier.
I know, I am just finding difficult to get over the attachment I created toward him as since almost a year ago we were always hanging out at least once per week(I must add both of us are foreigners, so creating bonds with people when you move to a new city take time=…the good thing /bad is that even though we work for the same institution we are in totally different areas so we haven{t seen at all since a month ago…
Anyway, thank you for your words. I am sure it will pass, and at least by now I am better without knowing about him