After 4.5 years she wanted to take a break

reconciliation
1

Hello,
So I have been reading a lot of information about how to get my ex back and I just need some advice. Sorry for the long post.

My ex and I started dating 4.5 years ago we are both 20 now. We met at a church youth group and I contacted her. We had 1.5 REALLY good years before I went away to college. We never fought and everything was great! The year that I was in college and she was still in high school was very difficult for our relationship. We both still loved each other and we would always write letters for each other on special days (birthdays, holiday, and annversaries). Well this last year we decided to move into an apartment with two of our friends. I started to become very lazy. I had not been keeping up with the things that I know she loved about me when we first started dating. I used to run, but I got injured (running was something we liked doing together and she is now on the college track and cross country teams). I also started playing video games more often even though I know that she didnt like them and thought they were a waste of time (they are). We also stopped writing each other notes for special days. Whenever we would hang out, I would push alone time with her so we could be physical and when she would deny me I would get frustrated and turn away from her. I know this was a very stupid thing to do and I didnt respect her like I should. I treated her more like an object that was mine when I needed it. We still did have fun together and she still seemed like she loved me. Over winter break, we were both doing things with our families back home and didnt have time to really hang out with each other. The first time we hung out was on December 27th, we just hung out with my family and then went up to my room to watch a movie. During the movie I tried to be physical with her again and this is when she started to bring up taking a “break” from our relationship. This wasnt the first time she had mentioned it. I had told her the past 2 times she brought it up that it wasnt an option for me. usually things got better after that. I was able to push it off again (or so I had thought). We hung out the next day and went down to lake Michigan and had a fun day taking pictures and seeing things that we had seen in the early days of our relationship. We then hung out the next day as well, we made gingerbread houses with my siblings. After that, I went back to her house to watch a football game with her Dad and after the game was over she brought up the break again. We went for a walk and had many tears and hugs. She finally told me that she couldnt do it again and that she didnt love me like she used to and that the “spark” we used to have just wasnt there anymore. The next couple days were horrible. I was in a miserable place. I did however start making changes to what I was doing. I started running again, I stopped playing video games, I spent time with my family, I contacted some family friends to help me through this time. She decided that she was going to come back to our school (2.5 hours away) for new years. We didnt talk much while she was away. She came back a few days later and we talked a LOT. we sent over 500 texts to each other in 3 days. However on the 7th of January, I received a text that wasnt intended for me. It was intended for another guy. She came clean to me and said that they kissed on new years (i know after 4.5 years together, it took 2 days?). I was devastated and she apologized about a hundred times and begged for me to just be mad at her. I was upset, but I didnt show it. I told her that I forgave her. I told her I needed some space and would contact her when I felt ready. She agreed. That only lasted 2 days. I told her that we should meet up and talk. We did, we met for breakfast at a place both of us like and we talked about what she had done and what it all meant. She claimed it meant nothing but I had been suspecting something with this guy even before our winter break had started. After breakfast, we went to go see my grandmother together and we spent 3 hours helping her put together a puzzle. We went our separate ways. She came over once more and hung out with my family before she went back to our school and I went by her house and hung out with her and her family (we both enjoy being around each others families a lot). Well now we are back at school, still living together. We are not texting at all but we do talk to each other when she is around. She usually dissapears around 5pm and doesnt return until around or after midnight. I know she is with that other guy and it bothers me so much. I try not to show it when she comes back and I am trying to be as pleasent as I can be with her. I really do love her and care about her deeply. I know I will live without her, but I dont want to. I cant get her off my mind. I have been trying to do the no contact thing but it is hard when I live with her and it doesnt seem like it is being effective at all and she doesnt seem to miss me very much and is having a great time with the other guy. I just need help. I dont know what I need to do to get her back. She is an amazing person and she is my best friend.

Thanks for reading this whole thing, I just needed to vent ( I dont really have too many friends I can talk to about this because we have many mutual friends).

2

It didnt take her just two days. From what you explained, she probably became unattracted long before the breakup. It can take months or even years for someone to muster up the courage to leave.

I think of you keep improving, you can become attractive to her again. False hope not intended.

She’s in a rebound. She is searching for what she lost. Do yourself a favor and make it all about you. This is your time to put yourself first. Dont worry about her and the new guy. It will only hold you back.

Once you embrace the change, you can really make this situation work for you.

3

Thanks, I mean its been over 3 weeks since we took a break but we have still been in contact, she still has pictures of us hanging up on her wall and she comes and asks me everyday how my day was and stuff like that.

I am trying not to over-analyze everything but it is hardwired into my brain (im going to school for engineering).

How do I do this whole no contact thing when we live together? I know that in the article it gives a few tips but I feel like I need more because this is extremely difficult. She has been my actual best friend for over 5 years now and she was the person I could tell anything. Obviously I cant do that now. She is keeping herself very busy and I am trying to do the same.

4

Also, she left me a message the other day in a place that I would find it.

it said “Nick, I am sorry we didnt get to play cards. I was hoping youd be up but I guess we will have to play tomorrow (today). Dont think I forgot! I have been looking forward to it :slight_smile: looking forward to kicking your butt that is! Also, I’d love to hear how your group/study went tonight. I hope it was good and that you met good people there” Keep up the running too! Make sure to ice those shins (she knows I have shin splint issues) of yours. Maybe even consider freezing a cup of water to make it easier to ice. Anyways, see ya soon and bring your A game for cards. Chelsey :)"

I dont know what to make of it, if anything because we didnt end up playing cards that next day because both of us were out. I with some friends of mine and she was with the other guy.

Thanks

5

Anyone? Im feeling quite lonely at this moment. She will be coming back in the next couple hours and then possibly going out with some of her friends. Otherwise she might not want to (I doubt it) and hang around here. I just dont know how I should act. I want to be seen as a strong person like I used to be.

Since we started our “break” I have been working out daily and I have been learning how to play the guitar again. Im just trying to do things that help take my mind off of her. I know she didnt find me sitting around in my room very attractive but I am not a party person and just dont enjoy that scene. Neither of us drink but she is OK going to the parties.

Unfortunately during our relationship, I pushed away a lot of my friends so I could be with her and also many of our friends are common friends so its hard for me to not have people to talk to.

Thanks

6

hi @nick1234, i am so sorry you are going through this. first, let me say i think this use extremely common for couples who get together at such a young age. i will try to advise you as best as possible. i can totally sympathize with what you’re going though. i started dating my ex when i was 15 and he was 16. we had what i always have thought was the “perfect” relationship. we were also incredibly close with each others families the way you were describing. we were great together in high school, stayed together when he went away to college and i finished up high school (even thought it was tough), but then the following year about 3 months after i got to college (in another state), he told me he needed a “break”. that he loved me but couldn’t handle the long distance and was beginning to feel tempted to just be single and enjoy the typical college life. i was devastated, didn’t want to lose him to completely so reluctantly agreed to a strange type of open relationship, since we were long distance i figured it would be ok. we texted, skyped, talked all day everyday until we went out at night. i didn’t really do much with anyone else at school but he apparently was. this went on for about 3 more months until i told him it was all or nothing because i couldn’t handle it - so he chose all. we went on happily in our relationship for another two years. then what happened? you can guess it. he said he never had enough time on that “break” to explore others and he broke up with me again right as he was graduating college. i was miserable. didn’t talk to him for about two weeks then slowly we started texting, seeing each other, etc. after about 2 months of doing this i asked him where we were going because if it wasn’t down a path of reconciliation i wanted out. he said he wanted to be back together. this time our relationship was amazing - new levels of commitment, maturity, etc. but can you guess what happened again september of this year? he ended it AGAIN, saying he needed a break for real. that he knows he loves me, can see himself marrying me one day, but he’s never truly taken enough time away from me to know if he’s still with me out of habit and convenience or if its genuine, true love. he also told me if he went on to date me straight through for 9 or 10 years without ever really dating someone else, he would always be left wondering “what if”. he told me he needs some time to be single, date casually, and see if he desires dating anyone else seriously or can find a great connection with someone else, elsewhere. he gave me no time frame on if or when he would be back. he usually alludes to the fact that he does plan on being with me some day - but he needs time away to “confirm” I’m the one for him, but he hopes being away from me will show him that. since this happened 4 months ago, I’ve tried being friendly with him which worked the second time, I’ve tried an ultimatum, which work the first, but now NOTHING will work. he is deadset on wanting this - and calls this time a real break up, not a break. why am i telling you all of this? because if she has these feelings now, she needs to get them out of her system or they will resurface. i can’t tell you how badly i wish i would’ve just accepted the breakup when i was a freshman in college 4 years ago - i wouldn’t be experiencing an even worse pain 4 years later, now living in the same city, and at an age when seemingly all my friends are starting to really want relationships. my advice to you is to simply just let her go through this. i know this isn’t what you want to hear, but it will happen again. you are still in college - have the ability to make new friends, join new clubs, etc. your situation is made more complicated over the fact that you live together and i cannot even imagine the temptations or how difficult that must be. my advice to you is to spend as little time in the apartment as possible. go out, make new friends, study at the library, join some clubs. make friends who live elsewhere and have apartments you can crash at on nights that are particularly difficult. when you see your ex around the apartment, always be friendly and cordial and always appear to look happy even if you’re dying inside. she needs to let this new relationship run its course. it sounds like what you two had was genuine and special - she wont be so quick to close that chapter for good. let this rebound run its course. don’t pressure her. even if you somehow get her back, she will leave again unless she truly comes back because she feels she is ready and knows you’re who she wants. this advice is so incredibly difficult to follow and I’m struggling myself. I’m guilty of sending my ex texts when i shouldn’t, asking what he’s thinking, how he’s feeling, etc., texting him to discuss our favorite tv shows, to share good news with, etc. its not easy. in fact I’m almost grateful my ex is being so strong this time because i know if he comes back it will finally because he wants to on his own, not because i persuaded him. please don’t follow on this path that i have. let her go through this now before it gets even harder. tell yourself whatever is meant to be, WILL be. its what gets me through those very difficult days. if you truly believe in your heart that she’s the one for you, she will probably be back on her own time when she is ready. don’t wait for her. go out, live life. you don’t need to date,but find small things that make you happy. push yourself to go out for coffee, to take a walk, etc. post to these forums when you feel lonely - you aren’t alone. trust me from my experience, let her just go through this. sorry for the long rant, but i can so sympathize with you. i hope all my blabbing helped at least a little!

7

Thanks atea1234! I am really trying my hardest to let go. However, when I see her or things that remind me of her all I want to do is send her a text saying how much I miss talking to her. I do. What we had was really genuine.

When she asked for the break, she said she isnt closing any doors but we need to just be friends and know that everything happens for a reason. I dont know if she has closed my door or not. I just worry for her every day. I dont want this other guy to hurt her or push her into a bad direction. I have started to join a few clubs/groups already but even when I am with those new people I think about her. I know I am young and people say you have so many options but I know she is my one. I know I need to let her make her own mistakes (she already has) and it kills me to see that. I will follow your advice and just let her do her thing. I would really like her to be the one chasing me after all of this is done. However, she seems so happy right now. I dont know if she had already grieved our relationship or if this other guy is just helping mask the real pain.

It is strange because she still has not told her family yet or even her close friends. We decided to leave our relationship status on facebook as “in a relationship” so that we dont get random people involved in our buisness. She still wears the ring that I got her on our 4 year anniversary and I know she still cares about me.

Like I have said, I have been taking this time to work on myself and I have made many improvements so far. She is the exact same though and has told me she is the same person and has the same morals.

I really hope that she gives me a second chance at some point. I hear a lot of stories about people at least getting that from their ex’s and I hope that is me so I can show her the improved me :slight_smile:

She just texted me telling me the time she ran today in her race. I am so proud of her! She is a really good athlete and I didnt show her enough support in that. I want to now because I really do care! Do I text her back??? Respond ASAP so I know what to do! Do I tell her good job and that I am proud of her? or do I wait till later to do that and seem like I was busy? or do I not tell her at all?

8

i am dealing with a lot of the same emotions as you! i am young too (only 22) and everyone keeps telling i have so many options and my whole life ahead of me but i KNOW he is the one for me. all i can do really is hope, think everything happens for a reason, try to be happy, and wait it out. he’s been away from me 4 months already. i need to face myself with the reality that he may be back years from now - or maybe never. because our last breaks were so brief, i hadn’t anticipated this being so hard, but he is very cold and dead set in his decision. i too hope for a reconciliation and hear stories about couples who reconnect down the road. personally my ex and i haven’t tried to be friends at all. if i text him (he’s only reached out once in the 4 months), he always responds. if i text him about something small, he is always friendly, makes small talk. too many times i text him to ask relationship questions and it leads to much confusion from me. DONT do that! personally i dont think you should be friends with her. you’re essentially allowing her to have her cake and eat it too and i fear your feelings will be hurt if she starts seeing someone else seriously. i would be friendly and cordial to her, but also a bit cold. she broke up with you! i wouldn’t ignore her, but i wouldn’t tell her you’re proud of her either. wait a half hour or so and then say something like “good job!” or “good for you!” so it doesnt warrant a response.

9

my ex also says he’s leaving the door wide open - but its confusing because sometimes he’ll tell me a few months, sometimes he’ll tell me he can’t give me a timeframe, sometimes he wants to talk and keep in touch, and others he thinks we both need to completely remove each other from our lives. i don’t think she’s trying to close the door on you at all, but who knows how long it will take her to want to reopen it. and what you said about constantly wanting to text her about things that remind her of you and how you had a really genuine relationship and miss her terribly, i am COMPLETELY on the same page. nc gets easier. i wouldn’t say I’m necessarily moved on at all, but i guess I’m more used to the situation. hang in there

10

Gosh that sucks. I know she wanted to work on our friendship because she told me that in being a boyFRIEND or girlFRIEND, the friend part is the most important. I agree with her. I want to show her that I can be her friend and also actually be there to support her.

Im not a pettie person and I dont hold grudges. I cant stay mad at her. The only way I could see us not being friends is if she actually told me she hates me or something. I know she would never do that. I dont want to be taken advantage of because I know I deserve better than that but I am also just a very nice dude haha. However IF we get back together I want to know that it will be FOREVER like I had previously thought.

I at least made plans tonight so I wont be sitting around here looking like a bum.

I sent her back “Good for you!”, her reply was “Thanks!” nothing more, nothing less. I miss when we would stay up until 2am talking to each other.

Thanks for the advice

11

i miss all of those times too! were in the same boat. also about wanting it to be forever. and he knows this now so unfortunately i think the road ahead is really long for me

12

Well I am glad I am not the only one out there that is feeling this same thing. I hope things start looking up for you. im almost a quarter of the way to where you are.

What do I do when she comes in asking how I am or what I did during the day? I mean dont I want to sound exciting and happy and let her know that I am not just sitting around waiting for her? I also remember things talking about be vauge and let her wonder and be curious. Its so hard to do that in person. She walks past my room to get to hers and we always chit chat for a little bit.

13

So, I got back to my place and I was getting ready for bed. I noticed one thing was not right. Her retainer is missing. She always leaves it in the same place and wont sleep without it. I knew she would be out with the other guy again, but I didnt know she would be sleeping at his place again for the 2nd time in about a week. After we have only been apart for 3 weeks. I am so concerned right now. I am VERY sad. I want to let her know she is making a big mistake and that that guy doesnt love her like I do. I could be jumping to conclusions, but I dont think so. I know her too well.

Just as a reference, we never slept together or even in the same house for 2 years. Dont you think she is moving a little fast? I sure do. I just cant stop thinking about her. This whole thing would be so much easier if I knew there wasnt another guy involved.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

14

She hasnt come back yet and I am having such a hard time sleeping. I dream about her every night and wake up to them multpile times a night. I then think about her so much that it is hard to sleep. :frowning:

15

I’m currently 26 and on another “break” with my ex. Like @atea1234, my ex had tried to take a break when we were younger to “see what was out there” and “get some stuff out of his system”. we tried an open relationship, but i couldn’t deal with it and i wound up giving him an ultimatum that we had to be in a committed relationship and move in together or nothing. he agreed to move in together but wound up cheating on me within a year because i pressured him. the moral of the story is that i pressured him and never let him do what he needed to. i tried to persuade him to come back any way i could and i tried to control what he was and was not allowed to do while we were on previous breaks or in an open relationship. i did all of this to try to prevent myself from feeling pain. now, six years later, tons of my friends are getting engaged/married and my ex still isn’t ready to commit. the pain is way worse now.

the advice i wish someone had given me years ago was 1) if you want a relationship for the long term, you can’t think in the short term. even if there is short term pain (i.e.: a break) if that is what your partner needs you need to give it to them freely. there is always a chance this person will come back, but they might come back with resentment and baggage if you don’t let them be free. and 2) work on yourself during this time. i’m just realizing the true difference between “wanting” my ex and “needing” my ex. i used to think it was so romantic that i couldn’t live without him. now i just see it as impractical. make sure you want your ex but find a way to be ok on your own. it will definitely be hard and you will be miserable at times, but it’s the best thing for you in the long term.

16

@nick1234, i cannot possibly imagine the pain you were in last night. i imagine my ex is with other girls but its not right in my face and i don’t see it so i can’t even begin to sympathize with how much that will hurt you. please do NOT tell her this new guy will not love her like you do. let her realize this on her own. most likely you’re right that he wont, but you telling her that will only push her further away from you and into his arms. she does seem to be moving pretty quickly with him but this is definitely a rebound relationship. she’s trying to fill the void of losing you. don’t worry too much about this other guy because more likely than not, these situations don’t last. i must advise you though i really don’t think you should be her friend. its essentially giving her her cake and eating it too. you should always be friendly and nice to her, but definitely be a little, cold, reserved, and guarded. let her find out the hard way that not all guys will love and appreciate her the way you do. when @ms. n.u. said is spot on. she will leave again if she comes back for any reason than besides she internally realizes you’re the only guy she wants to be with. don’t try to convince her to come back. don’t make any of the mistakes i have made. let yourself feel these emotions. its going to be incredibly difficult but hopefully you will only have to go through this once - either she doesnt come back and you will get over it while you’re still in college or she will come back but this time it will be because she’s positive she wants to stay. stay strong :slight_smile: i know its so hard. i tend to be short sighted as well and just want to get my ex back in the quickest way possible. i now see if i really want a future with him he needs to get this all of his system and he needs to take all the time he needs away. its so hard but its the right thing

17

Well, she contacted me today. She said,“Thanks for cleaning the bathroom up :slight_smile: and also if you want to watch the church service together id love that.” This is super confusing to me. She doesnt return home last night (she could have stayed at a friends) and then all of a sudden wants to listen to a church service with me? I haven responded to her yet and I dont know what I want to do. I have talked to a few people I trust and one told me that I should meet with her and tell her that she is sending me on a roller coaster right now and I am not in any type of emotional spot to deal with the friendship at this moment in time and encourage her to watch it on her own.

I had also told this guy I was talking to about it and I told him that even if she came crawling back to me right now in an emotional mess (I doubt this would happen) that I wouldnt because I am not where I want to be yet.

I still dont really know what I am going to do about the situation as it could be completely innocent or she could want something more out of it and I am not going to just cater to her ever whim. I am stronger than that.

Thanks for the advice and the comments, they are really encouraging and helpful :slight_smile:

18

@nick1234, you need to ask her for some space. tell her you can’t be friends right now. its true, you can’t. you are beginning to embark on this extremely confusing, dramatic, and emotional roller coaster. i know it seems easier to keep her as a friend, but this will only hurt you in the meantime, delay your healing, and damage any chance for a reconciliation in the future. ask her to give you your space and tell her you aren’t angry and don’t resent her, but you need some time. don’t hang out and watch a tv show with her. she’s sending you mixed signals even if she doesnt mean to and you will never be able to move on and she will have no reason to commit to you again if she’s having her cake and eating it too. whoever told you not to entertain a friendship with her right now is right. its so hard, but stay strong. you are in control of your own emotions and actions!

19

I think I am going to listen to it with her, but I am going to tell her that I dont think I can be her friend right now because every time I see her I go on an emotional roller coaster and it keeps setting me back. Ill officially make it so that she understands what I am going through and that she cant play with my emotions like she is. I should probably say that in the future when I have my emotions in check that we can be friends again. Any ideas? thoughts? She is coming over in less than an hour. Thanks!

20

yes let her know you hope there can be a friendship down the line but for right now you need to focus on your own healing and need some time and space. be nice and understanding and respectful and try not to be overly emotional. good luck :slight_smile: