So me and my ex had been together for 17 years. We mutually agreed to break up a year ago but remained really close friends. Three months ago she started seeing some other guy. This rocked my world, i guess i didnt know what i had until i lost her. She kept it hidden for a month and a half and when i found out, i asked her to take me back but she refused. I begged and pleaded on and off for 2 weeks, obviously a bad move. She said she loved me but was not in love with me and wanted to be friends. I told her i could not be friends while she was dating this other guy and I started no contact one month ago. She texted me this tonight; Hey. Just wanted to check in to see how you’re doing (Work? Life? Family?) Not sure if you wanna chat, but either way, just wanted to say hi. This sounded platonic to me and i did not reply. Do you guys have any advice? I was going to reply that unless you wanna chat about getting back together i am going to need some space. I thought this might appear needy and did not. Should I just continue NC? Please help?
If you do write back, keep it light. Perhaps you could meet for a coffee and suss out if she is still seeing this guy - without blatantly asking (you would know by finding out what she’s been up to socially). I would leave it another day or two though, best not to look too keen. I think you are correct though that you don’t want a friendship again - and its worth mentioning that on about the 3rd or 4th time you would see her (not right away, its a bit scary and off-putting).
Thanks for your reply Anthurium. Unfortunately i met her before you replied oops. So i met her for coffee the next day and honestly it was a horrible idea. It set me right back to square one emotionally and i couldn’t sleep at all last night. Everything started well, i has happy, smiling, telling her all about the changes in my life. Her stories involved partying with her skanky friends, which was very disturbing to me but i still kept a smile on my face. There was no mention whatsoever of the guy she was dating. We met for an hour and a half and when done i walked her to her car. I had to know, so i asked her flat out if she was still dating this guy, and she replied off and on. I am assuming she responded this way to spare my feelings. I told her straight up that unless she wants to get back together never to contact me again. I could tell this scared her but it is honestly for the best. I told her i love her and that it was unfair to friendzone me, to have me sit across from her and hot be able to touch her, kiss her, or hold her. For 17 years she had been by my side through the best and the worst and i didn’t want that to end. We talked about our relationship, and she said that she loves me but is not in love with me, that she is terrified of getting back together with me cause we were both unhappy the last few years. That though i have made significant changes and want to start fresh and do things differently, that we are still the same people. I believe she loves me, but what she is chasing is that in love feeling, which is really infatuation. It is not fair to me to use me for a real familial type of love while she chases the high of infatuation. In my opinion that is extremely selfish on her part, so i had no problem telling her to give some space unless she wants to get back together. She needs to understand there are consequences to not wanting to be with me, and she can’t have the best of both worlds. I am truly moving on now. If she shows up at my door one day wanting to reconcile so be it, but i am not going to wait.