After 2 years

reconciliation
1

Maybe my case is different from the most of you. You can call me crazy, I am indeed.
I didn’t have lots of relationships, I have an ex of a 15 years relationship but this is NOT the one who I want back.
It’s been 5 years since the divorce.
After that I had to learn how to date again and I found it was really hard to find someone who I would be interested to. I’m 40 now but I look younger. I was physically attracted to younger men but can’t have anything besides sex with them. So I had some tinder dates that didn’t mean anything at all.
BUT… 2 years ago I met a guy of my age that had just divorced. We had a lot in common (even some not so close friends) and when we met in person it was so so so good. He was different from all guys from tinder. He was a good person. OK, maybe he was just making me believe that?
We had just a few dates and I slept in his house some days. I remember his eyes on the last day we were together. It would be hard to fake those eyes.
After that we texted normally and he was going on therapy. Then he just said that was not feeling well because of things that came up in therapy and had to deal with a real estate negotiation to sell his apartment and stuff like that. He has always been do busy at work (he really is, I happen to know some of his coworkers). So… I never saw him again. I did a vacation trip and we kept texting each other normally, I was expecting to meet him when I came back. But when I did, we couldn’t meet and I was in my new mood of not insist on people who didn’t want to be with me (hardly learned since my divorce). So when he didn’t reply me for the first time I didn’t insist.
I knew he was on tinder and I decided he was not worth of my time and I would find someone better. I could have hotter men and I really didn’t care too much. But I still couldn’t understand when was the instant that passionate man turned into a no interest man.

1 month later he was on a relationship with a 22 year girl. I could not believe that, since he had already said he couldn’t do it. Well, that was the end for me, I was sure I wouldn’t want that man back in any way. He was showing off in Facebook, which I understand, since this is what we do when we divorce and start dating someone 20 years younger.

Well, that didn’t last 2 months too and I was pretty sure I was not taking him back.

So 2 years have been gone now and the truth is that in the 5 years since my divorce nobody has ever been so connected to me like him. He was the only man I wanted to have a relationship with in these 5 years.
He was for me a complete mystery since there was no closure and he jumped from passionate to not interested and I keep not knowing what happened.

Well, I moved on and had a few dates since then. I even found myself in love with a guy I just met but we didn’t have opportunity to know each other well and I was really into this new guy since… Last week!!! Something really crazy happened to me. I talked to a friend that works with my ex (not directly) how he was doing and just replied something. Later on that day I caught myself thinking A LOT about him. SO much that I couldn’t even concentrate on my job!!! I started to imagine that maybe we could be together if I have insisted. A lot of regret came upon although I know I did everything right.
I read all our conversation on whatsapp to figure out something but couldn’t. I caught myself still sure we could be good together.

So… I hired a private investigator just to know if he’s with somebody. Well, I know this is crazy, but I think I need to try again with this guy. Unless he’s with someone. I’ve been through it and would never ever flirt a committed man. But if he’s single it wouldnt make no harm to casually meet him some day :slight_smile:

Well… and I texted him. It was a nice text, saying something had made me remember him, and checking out if he’s doing OK. Short, straight and the kind of message I could send to anybody not seen in a while. Not awkward definitely.
This only made me even more anxious. He read it but… no answer still. It’s been a couple of days.

Well I never did anything SO CRAZY like this before but, you know, life is short and I think I should try.

2

I see a lot of red flags in this post in regards to the behavior of both of you.

Let’s start with him. Obviously I can’t diagnosis him, but he sounds like a narcistist who knows he can come back to you for attention anytime he wants. So no sense of urgency from him.

You are displaying a lot of co-dependency issues and I highly recommend you that you consider talking to someone about that. You hired a private investigator to see if an exboyfriend is single. It’s not clear how long you were with him, but my impression is it was short-term. Do you think he would want you back if he knew you had a private investigator following him?

You were caught up in the infatuation of a whirlwind romance. Here is the thing about that, whirlwind romance don’t last. There is nothing stable about them. They are based on anxiety, lust and emotions, not a solid foundation of mutual respect and understanding. Infatuation is not love. It is pure emotion and it burns out fast.

Infatuation is like a drug that we become addicted to, hence our chasing in an effort to feel that original high again. People in healthy relationships recognize that infactuation is not love and are able to more past it to a more rational relationship.

I am confident that this ex will eventually contact you if remain no contact. When that happens I hope both of you will be in a more rational frame of mind where you can make the relationship work. In the meantime, do what is good for you and try to not think of him too much.

3

Yes, we were together for short time. I don’t even know if I can call it a relationship. What I do know is that it was the best connection I’ve had in 5 years.
Again, I remember his look, staring at me and the eyes are the window to the soul. It’s hard to fake a truly passionate look.
But you’re right, it was all of a sudden, it was a whirlwind. He had divorced recently and was trying to move on, maybe he wasn’t ready yet.
I always thought he could go back to his wife eventually, also that’s one of the reasons why I didn’t insist. Maybe he did and that’s why he never replied my text.

About the PI, I never did anything like this before and it sounds crazy for me too. But I think it’s be the easiest way to get reliable information about him.

4

I believe you saw pure passion in his eyes. Passion, lust and infatuation all go together and none of them amount to true love. But, it is very addicting. I know.

There are some people who are very good at making others long for them by first giving them everything, then later only giving them crumbs. The other person will continue pursuing them for a long time with hopes of getting everything again. They become desperate for any attention and just the crumbs are enough to keep them on the hook. This is the dynamic of a relationship being controlled by a narcissist. And they are highly unhealthy.

I understand that you were in a relationship for 15 years prior to meeting this person and this is the first emotional attachment you had developed since. So it’s understandable that it could be mistaken for what you were looking for. But from what you said, it sounds like it was a brief flame that burned out just as quickly. Because you probably hadn’t felt an emotional connection with someone for a long time, you might feel desperate to get this one back because subconsciously you are afraid you will never find it again.

I think you are too smart of this on a rational level and that you have too much to offer to someone who will treat you better and appreciate you. I think if you go no contact and try to not think about him too much, as time goes on you will begin to see that as well and will see this “fling” for what it was, as whirlwind romance with someone who exhibits traits of a narcissist and it had very little chance of lasting into a healthy and happy relationship.

I am sure you are very likable, desirable and capable of finding someone much more attentive to your needs and who has the potential to be a life long partner. I also think you have what it takes to maintain a lasting and healthy relationship.

Because this site is My Ex Back Permanently, I will say again that I do feel confident that he will be back if you remain no contact, but I am not confident at all that he will stay long.