Advice please

reconciliation
1

Hey, I’ve been reading so many sites since my ex broke up with me. This site is one I feel I trust and can use for my personal journey. I’m struggling at the moment making a decision on what steps to take with interacting with my ex, limited contact or no contact. I’ve already got some personal goals I want to take on.

This is my story, sorry if it’s very long.

I met my ex about 2.5 years ago, she had a huge crush on me and a mutual friend advised her to talk to me because I was sweet. She initiated a conversation with me at a sports club we were both part of and we hit it off immediately. Instant chemistry and passion,it was clear we both fell very hard for each other. We were together for 2 years and lived together for 1.5, we had a dog together (she still has him) and were planning marriage and children together. I’d met her parents/grandparents and her mine and we got along very well. I’ve struggled with depression and abandonment issues my whole life due to childhood trauma (physical abuse and a parent passing away) my ex encouraged me to go to therapy to deal with this and she was supportive throughout. However this did have an affect on our relationship, sometimes I would be insecure and struggle to communicate and just kick off if she spent a lot of time with her friends because I felt abandoned. I knew this was my own problem but struggled with controlling it. Our relationship was always happy and supportive we had cute traditions we would do together and for Xmas she bought me a cooking pot she knew I’d love because she wanted it to be an heirloom for our future family. I’ve realised now a lot of my insecurity and inability to accept her love was due to me not loving myself. Last month we had a huge argument in which I told her I wanted her to choose me or her friends (I know that was hugely wrong in my part) she asked for space so I went to my mums for a couple of days. When I went home she cried and said she loves me so much and wishes I could see how amazing I am, but she has to have boundaries for how she is comfortable being treated and I crossed that. For a week we talked, we slept together, cried together, agreed to go on a break, then agreed to stay together but not live together. She went to her parents for a family birthday we talked every day, loving, making plans. When she came back we went on a date. It was a little awkward but fun, we flirted. I kissed her at the end of the night but she stopped me and said it’s not a rejection. I flew off the handle and she said again crying about how conflicting it is for her to break up with someone you love so much. That if only I could see how much she loved me, and how much hurt I had caused her. I said how could I believe that you don’t break up with someone you love. Since then she brought my stuff from the house and we’ve been pleasant, we’ve texted a little about things but nothing emotional. She’s liked my Facebook posts and wore nice clothes when she came to drop my things off.

I know there is a strong love and emotional connection between us, I accept that she is allowed and entitled on a basic human level to have boundaries and sometimes love isn’t enough. What are your thoughts? Should I keep communication open and grow as a person and maybe things could be worked out?

The initial break up was a month ago and since then I’ve joined a sports team, got a new job, I’m learning to drive, changed my wardrobe (now I have more money, I was stuck in a dead end min wage job before and couldn’t even afford clothes I wanted to wear) reading about mindfulness and trying to change my mindset to focus on self love and needing myself above all.

But I love her so much I can’t imagine a future without her in it, I know nobodies perfect and it takes two people of breakdown a relationship my friends tell me not to blame myself but how can I not when I ****ed up?

2

@bb89 - You said:“…you don’t break up with someone you love.” Then you said:“sometimes love is not enough”

The second one is true. Emotional abuse is one of the main causes of a breakup. You were jealous of her friends. You flew off the handle when she stopped you from kissing her. I’m sure there were other things too. The improvements you’ve made are good and yet the main ones, control issues, depression, anger issues etc are more important for future happiness. I suspect you need more therapy to address all these problems. There might be a chance for reconciliation, but only after you prove to her that you’ve changed for the better… For now try limited contact as I think she still needs a little space. The main focus should be to work on your psychological issues.

Good luck:)

3

Thanks Patricia, your advice is spot on.

When I talk to my friends (supportively enough) they don’t want me to change or reflect on that behaviour as a negative. But I can’t help but feel disappointed in myself for not seeing it sooner and listening to my ex and being committed to changing during the relationship. At the time it was a lot of pressure and the fear of losing her made it difficult as it only increased my anxiety.

She told me many times before and after the breakup how much she loves me and how conflicting it is for her. I want to give her space and let her decide for herself but also let her know that people can change and I’ve made that commitment to myself to change. We’ve contacted each other a couple of times and it has been pleasant. But I last asked her if I could walk our dog (who we had for 1.5 years) and she ignored my request.

I think limited contact whilst I’m working on the real root issues with my negative behaviour is the best way if I want to create the possibility of getting back together. I also know the majority of our relationship was supportive and loving and her own words (90% of the time perfect and happy) and she felt I was the love of her life/soul mate and best friend. It’s hard to let go of that when I feel that way too, I want to fight for that kind of love. But the space is frightening.

Im not sure how to maintain contact with her without still being controlling, even asking for advice here still feels that way.

4

Hey man, you have no idea how simialr my situ seems to yours.

I had plenty signals in my relationship that I needed to take action to rectify things but didn’t. I thought love was enough and I knew we were both in love so I didn’t bother to make any changes… then you can guess the rest.

Sounds like you’ve made some awesome improvements in your life in such a short time. I bet it feels great even though you can’t share it with her. You need to learn to love yourself - as I am trying to do. These changes hopefully make you realise you’re a good guy and that your life happiness doesn’t depend on one person. If they’re in it then all the better but if not you need to be able to cope on your own. Even as I right this advice to you I’m thinking how much it applies to me too.

I really hope you keep making changes and deal with the issues inside you. I denied I had anything like the issues I actually had for ages. My Dad died when I was 7 and apart from the odd crying session (about 1 every 2/3 years) I bottled everything up. I realise only now it’s had a huge impact on my life, growing up with just 1 parent raising 3 kids, and I only realised when I was 29.

What I’m trying to say is improve yourself because you’re worth it. Enjoy your sport, enjoy learning a new skill, enjoy the challenge of your new job. Things won’t always be great but the downs make the ups even better. Also time is the biggest healer. I really want a new releationship with my ex becasue I think it has awesome potential but the time of NC has taught me that I can carry on if I have to so I hope you get that feeling too.

Sorry for the long post. Keep us up to date.

5

@bb89 - If your friends don’t think depression, anger and control issues are negative and don’t want you to change, then all I can say is they’re not a good influence on you! You must know in your own mind that in order to be a more pleasant person who would have a better chance at love and happiness, these issues MUST be addressed and changed, possibly with the help of a therapist. Another possibility is talking with an adult who is positive about life, has an even temperament etc… maybe even a minister or priest.

Hopefully in time, she will agree to see you and you will get a chance to walk the dog. She wants you to change some of your behaviors and I suggest you do so, but not only for her, but for yourself. The things you’ve done during the month after the breakup are good, but a month isn’t long enough to make the more difficult positive thought and behavioral changes a permanent part of your character and personality.

Wishing you the best…

6

Hi Jimmy, wow your life sounds so similar to mine. Thanks for the support and encouragment it’s comforting to get to know people in similar situations. I’d love to be kept up to date on yours, it definitely helps putting yourself out there and trying new experiences, it doesn’t take away the love and heartbreak but it has taught me about my abandonment fears, I think I’m at peace now that everything happens for a reason and these are things that I needed to learn as hard as it is. Whether there can be a chance in the future I don’t know.

I too didn’t realise the extent of the abandonment I felt, I have a close friend who’s a therapist who has listened and just her confirming that of course my dads death and my mum remarrying is a huge abandonment and I’m slowly rebuilding trust with my family which is a huge healing presence in my life right now.

As for my ex, she has ignored any request for me to spend time with our dog, we have contacted more but only because of issues with bills etc. I believe she is using no contact for her own healing, so out of respect I have to not try to contact her.

Thanks Patricia, you’re right 1 month isn’t enough at all for the big changes, and I agree about the friends. They’re only being supportive but I know that those are traits that will never be okay if I want a long and fulfilling relationship. It’s very hard to accept that the process of change and overcoming all of my insecurities to me has come at a huge cost. She doesn’t want to speak to me at all it seems. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I want to at some point write to her sincerely and really open up about what I’ve learnt in depth. About how she was always the most supportive person to me, she knew me better than I knew myself at times. That I was stupid, I tried to stop behaviours without ever really knowing why it was wrong or hurtful. That my life has always been filled with aggression and fear and to me that was normal, I didn’t understand the true hurt it caused. That the messages I sent, raising my voice, not trusting her, she gave me all her trust and love and I abused it. I was greedy, It was controlling. I was emotionally unstable and it’s scary, how can she know which to belive, when I’m loving or when I’m insecure and angry??? Everyone deserves to be happy, she deserves to be happy. She didn’t ever do anything purposefully to hurt me (spending time apart is healthy and natural) but me, behaving the way I did when I felt alone was. It’s a choice, I know that now. It may not have felt like a choice in the moment, I was ruled by my emotions. I’ve lesrnt self control, perhaps not consistently yet, but in time I know I will. Being ruled by emotions is not healthy, we can’t control what we feel but we most certainly control how we act. Just because we feel bad about something doesn’t mean we should act bad or try to make others feel bad for how we feel! This is exactly why on days when I’m feeling really hurt and emotional instead of trying to make her feel bad or guilty, I’m learning to experiment with self soothing. That at the end of the day I am the only one who can make myself happy or soothe myself. Something I never learnt, I was always dependant on others to help me. Im still on my journey, where it will take me I don’t know.

The greatest thing I’ve learnt from reflecting on my fears of abandonment is that nobody is guaranteed anything in life, not even life itself, so to strive for happiness and making every moment count no matter what. That counts both ways, my ex deserves to be happy and I deserve to be happy. At this moment she doesn’t feel she can be happy with me and I’ve accepted that. Whatever happens from here, I don’t know. If any opportunity arises I will take it with both hands with confidence and the knowledge I’ve learnt from this experience and introspection. But if it never does, then I know that the reason for this love was only temporary and it served its purpose in my life, it doesn’t diminish its importance but that it was never meant to last forever.

7

@bb89 - I’ll repeat; your friends are not a good influence on you if they think your behaviors were okay. Trying to be supportive of you and accepting of your behaviors is not good enough. If they were real friends, they would have told you those bad behaviors are bad and urged you to change them. They would have told you that in the long run those bad behaviors always hurt others and also come back to hurt you in so many ways. Maybe they are too immature to understand…

Your negative behaviors caused you to lose your ex and would also prevent you from maintaining another relationship for any substantial length of time. And I’m also sure your negative thoughts and behaviors made you feel bad about yourself too. Jimmy is right, you need to learn to love yourself and the only way you can do that is to be proud of yourself by becoming a better, more positive, kind, understanding, fair, and respectable person.

It sounds like you’ve made some progress in the way you think and the way you view life. The challenge is to put those thoughts into action and I believe you can do it! Continue talking with your therapist friends for more insights and support. Do whatever needs to be done in order to rebuild trust with your family. Family members are usually the ones who want the very best for you and will stick by your side through thick and thin.

Continue limited contact with your ex, but don’t discuss the demise of the relationship. Keep your comments positive and give her a little more space, then in another month or two write the letter. If you send it now or talk about it, she probably won’t believe you’ve had time to make any changes.

Good luck and keep up the good work:)

8

@bb89

I had so mucch trouble opening up to family and stuff too. I looked at it as weakness and it cost me years of being distant with those closest to me. Thankfully my whole family are very supportive.

I was guilty of mistreating my gf too. She had a mental health issue and I had no one to talk to about it and didn’t understand it really. When i had too much to drink I’d end up saying hurtful things to her and she had an issue with me being too drunk as her dad used to do that. I was alwyas a big drinker and going out with mates was one of my main pleasures. I wish I had given it up as I think i broke her trust too many times over the drinking.

I’m considering a therapist but haven’t pulled the trigger. I think I really need to address my issues around losing my dad but tbh I’m scared to do it.

My gf wasn’t perfect and had her own issues. She felt she couldn’t get better with me as her partner. I admire the sacrifice she made as i know she loves me. She used to say she held me back etc. but the happiness she gave me was worth every difficult night. Like you I treasure the times we had and she has imporved me as a person without doubt. Maybe that’s all it was meant to be?

I’m NC for about a month and I’m gonna keep it up for a bit longer. I have a job interview tomorrow so that would be a big positive change. Fingers crossed.

We lived together for 2 years and remembering things we did, like sit and watch a film on a sunday evening or go for walks together almost feels like a dream. Do you feel like the recent past is so distant?

It’d be good to keep this going and maybe try and support each other for a bit? I don’t like to open up to friends about this sort of stuff…

Hop you can work on your behaviours. I’d say it’s hard to change yourself but reflecting like you’re doing is the best thing. Have you tired Headspace? I need to get back into that as it’s really useful.