For this occasion, let’s refer my ex as YY to make our identities anonymous.
So YY initiated the breakup. When I asked her why, she said, “first, my mental health. I don’t feel like going to romance right now. I prefer we stay as close friends tbh” and then she has some add-on reason: “also, my values have changed recently, yes my dad told me to focus on career, and of course I want to focus on my career, but in the future I think I wanna have kids. It’s human nature. I don’t think you’re quite my type.” But she said, “I still love you. And our time together has been incredible. The things you brought together are amazing and I am still passionate about it. Messages are still open when you struggle with anything and wanna talk.”
Ok, so when she said about the kids and personality comments, I felt confused as it didn’t seem to make sense to me. So I asked her what’s her definition of a relationship immediately after she said those comments, and her answer is “someone you dedicate your life to”.
My deduction, from the breakup conversation and from what I knew about YY, is that due to her uni stress, mental health issues, she currently doesn’t have the bandwidth for romance. She knew she cannot offer me or anyone a “life dedication”. And because she cares about my well-being (well we had been close friends before even starting a relationship), she deliberately threw in justifications of “kids” and “not my type” to force a real breakup to ensure I’m not waiting around for her, and that I can move on without the agonising wait. These justifications perhaps are also the result of her anxious brain trying to rationalise why she has to end our relationship, as she views a relationship with a lot of weight. To me, it doesn’t feel like she is certain of her future, especially when she’s under university stress, instead those comments feel more like she is having an identity crisis. I highly doubt that a person who’s struggling with university pressure, mental health and navigating early career challenges will have a clear mind of her future like family and kids.
It’s true that I have insecurities (well, who hasn’t?). And even before we became a couple, we shared our fears together. And because of that, we felt safe with each other and our trust fostered. Maybe I do have traits of being insecure but I will have to analyse into that.
There’s another thing I wanna bring up, but I’m not so sure if it contributes to the breakup. I noticed that YY has been taking anti-depressant medication for two summers in a row (including this summer) in order to cope with university. There were times when her depression and anxiety reached to an extreme (for the past year and so) that she had to be isolated from anyone. Meanwhile for the past few months, she’s cancelled / delayed plans several times for our meet-ups due to her mental health.
What are your thoughts about this? Do you think my deductions make sense or did I miss out some more important points? Most of all, do you think it’s worth getting back into the relationship I had? If yes, what should I say when reaching out to YY again?