Bare with me I’ll with try and be brief as possible.
BACKGROUND
I met my gf at university around November and within 4 weeks she was deeply infatuated. At this time I was a highly narcissistic person and feelings take a while (maybe a couple of months) for be to develop.
I was more interested in being free and talked to other girls (text). At one point I met up for friendly drinks with a crush back home in order to get closure on my crush with this person and i had almost got into a fight with a housemate and needed a week break from uni, this happened in January. Anyway my gf (who wasn’t my gf at the time) confronted me about this because she had a feeling and said she would cut things off if I didn’t tell her the truth. I explained to her what I did and allowed her to see my contacts. After this she asked me to promise not to talk to random girls/crushes/girls I had past histories with. It’s also relevant that I mention before I even met my future gf, I once said this other girl on our course was hot and one of my friends stupidly told her what I had said. My gf got really annoyed and insecure about this. Let’s call this person S. I took her promise seriously and removed a lot of people from my life. It was from this point we were a couple.
Fast forward a month to march, she needed assurance about the future, because it was both our last year at uni and she was to go back to her home country. I told her I simply could not commit to a long term thing and long distance thing and she said if that’s the case we need to stop seeing each other, and she broke up with me. During that weekend in order to try and get over things I used tinder and spoke to the girl I mentioned , S. I flirted with her but shortly after that weeekend I got back with my gf and ended talking to S in any inappropriate way .
Fast forward to Easter my gf was assaulted by a past friend I trusted her with, some guy who even drove her home some days. Turns out she had sex two years with him and As she was drunk he took some explicit material. Naturally I was extremely messed up about this, it happened right before she went back to her home country for 4 weeks holidays. During this time I felt betrayed that she allowed this person to drive her home , I felt indescribably angry and worried for her. In addition I was dealing with other family stuff and it got the the point where I thought about things every second of every day. One day I got the urge to be distracted and texted this random girl about how cute her eye make up was. Around 6 messages in total. Our relationship endured through this and once we were back I had to support her through her dissertation , and this was at the expense of my own work.
After Easter things were pretty good, before Easter I struggled to develop feelings for her but after Easter I became completely in love with her.
RECENT EVENTS
Then around 10 days ago she found that flirty message on my Facebook. Really angry she immediately broke up and I was really messed up. Two days later I went to hers after giving her a letter explaining everything and saying sorry. She saw how hurt I was by this and I think she took pity
, I stayed at hers that night and we said how much we loved each other. We had sex as well after a few glasses of wine however the next day she said she felt she disrespected herself. The day after this she found out Through a guy she started texting (who she knows likes her) that had talked to S girl and this obviously made her really angry, however we were not together at the time but she doesn’t care because of who it was. That same day we had all planned to go out and I poured my heart out to her about how bad I used to be but I have changed. She said she still loved me but was tired.
Anyway, had a small flat party that night and she was very warm to me because of alcohol but asked me not to let her kiss her. Something happened that night that made her really angry, something random but unrelated to anything in this story. I was there to comfort her as she cried continuously through anger. At one point I even looked into her eyes , she looked into mine and I told her ‘who are you? Get a grip’ . She smiled a lot.
I stayed at hers this night but nothing happened. Everyone was too drunk and passed out.
Fast forward two days I try to give her space as she asks, and I later find out she kissed someone, had them over hers, I find out on the last party of the year she goes up to this guy infront of everyone and kisses him. I confront her about this and suddenly ‘I don’t love you at all anymore’. She knows how hurtful what she did us, arguably worse than any pain I ever caused her. She went from still loving me to suddenly not caring.
CONCLUSION
I’m not sure what to make of this all… I would drop what she did to me in an instant to have her back. I know I cheated in her, breaking a promise, I disrespected her but the circumstances are far from clear cut. I changed as a person but past mistakes have come back and ruined things. In my worst moment I cheated on her through jokey messages with no intent of meeting someone.
Her behaviour has been strange and I’m not sure what to think. I really want her back.