Note - This Is AI enhanced to save me drafting time, but all my own words.
Background
I’m a man in my late twenties (M27). My partner (F26) and I were together nearly seven years, from our early twenties. Early on I moved cities with her while she did a master’s. For the last four years it’s been long distance during the week: she has an armed forces career and lives on base, visiting at weekends, while I worked full time in engineering and completed a Full-time Engineering Degree. I also have a chronic health condition that has been unstable.
What led to the breakup
For the last few years, I had doubts and kept delaying engagement. I’ve always taken marriage very seriously (my parents divorced very quickly) and felt I needed to be certain, and further along in my career and finances, before committing. I processed these doubts privately, writing them down and discussing them with an AI more recently. Some of what I wrote was harsh: questioning whether I always enjoyed conversations with her, whether I found certain traits endearing, and at one point whether I should keep my options open, which followed an unsettling comment from my father.
Shortly before things fell apart, we had a serious conversation about our future and I felt I’d reached a decision to commit. I ordered her a bracelet as a gift and told her I was going to see a therapist to get me on track.
In late June she found and read the AI notes. She ended the relationship that day.
The following weeks
- Five days later we met and talked for hours. She agreed to a slow rebuild, then visited her parents, who were strongly opposed. She ended it again the next day.
- 2 weeks after that, I wrote her a long handwritten letter taking responsibility and setting out what I wanted: marriage, children, moving to be with her, supporting her career. She replied at length. She called it beautiful, said it brought her peace, and said she forgave me. But her decision stood. She described years of losing confidence, emotional safety and self-worth, said she needed to heal alone, and said it wouldn’t be fair for either of us to wait. She also included some very final sounding phrases ‘I hope life is kind to you’ and ‘I will always cheer you on from afar’.
- A week later, I sent a message accepting her decision and said I wouldn’t reach out, but that my door is always open to her. She replied warmly. We then had some friendly practical exchanges about her belongings. We arranged another visit where she would collect her things and I hoped to speak to her again.
- My Family are good physical support, but are completely unavailable emotionally, as are many of my friends.
- In late August, three weeks after her response, completely heartbroken and sleep deprived, I went on a multi-day hiking trip with a close female friend. She has been a godsend in this situation, her support has got me through this so far, and given the situation I felt like I had to take any support I could get from my friends at the time. I’ve known this woman for 3 years and my ex knows her well enough to understand how platonic the relationship is. The friend posted photos online and tagged me. My ex messaged to say seeing me “thriving” was too painful, that she didn’t want to see me, and that she was removing me from social media. I replied emotionally, asked her to call, and rang twice. She called, said the trip had hurt her, raised practical concerns around any reconciliation (career progression, a possible long deployment), said she didn’t see how it could work and doubted my certainty. She agreed to the meet anyway.
- At the end of August, after the lakes trip, we spent three hours talking while she picked up her things. She was guarded at first, and we discussed where I’d gone wrong. She talked about her own therapy and recognising possible abandonment patterns. She said she needs to heal on her own and feels she’d resent me if we continued. I offered couples therapy and a trip away. I gave her the bracelet; she cried but didn’t take it. I told her I want her to be my wife. She said she wants that too but doesn’t think we can, and that our relationship may have been for a season of our lives. At the door I asked about contact in the future. She said she can’t know and that it isn’t fair on me to wait. I said I would wait anyway. We didn’t say the word “goodbye.”
We haven’t been in contact for about four weeks.
My perspective
I believe the doubts came from my own irrational fears about commitment rather than from her. They largely disappeared once the relationship ended. I also think our circumstances (distance, study, work stress, health) played a large part in how the years felt for her. I’m not sure she fully understands where I was coming from, even though she says she does. I still believe she’s the person I’m meant to be with, and I hope we might reconcile once she has healed.
Family members have told me the hiking trip was the “final straw.” which really hurts me to consider. Friends and some helpline volunteers have encouraged me not to give up, and some have suggested I propose formally.
Where I am now
I write messages to her almost every day that I don’t send, often first thing in the morning. I’m finding it very hard to function. I’m waking early with anxiety, struggling at work, and living back with a parent. I wanted our future so badly, and until recently its been practically guaranteed.
What I’d like advice on
- Is keeping hope of reconciliation alive healthy in this situation, or is it prolonging the grief?
- Is there any appropriate form of further contact, and if so, what and when? I have written my best and most concise final message yet, and really want her to have it one day, but it doesn’t deliver particularly new information.
- How can I manage the strong, repeated urge to reach out?
- How do I take honest responsibility without falling into either self-blame or minimising?
- How do I handle family members who keep commenting on what I did wrong after the fact, without any strong principles?
Thank you very much for reading, if you can give me any support or advice id be very appreciative.