6 years relationship

Hi there, so this is my story…

We were together for 6 years, and have a 5 year old son. 2 months ago, he moved out due to a very bad argument we had, and I told him to leave (which I regret every day). Before he moved out, we were having issues for about a month, everything was very tense, and it all started when I found out he was talking to a girl (Lucy is the name). When I first found out, he said he was going to stop talking to her.

A week after, I caught him talking on the phone with another girl at 2am night (I didn’t know who it was, all I know her initials were DM, that’s what I was able to see when he hung up the call real quick).

On the third week (I was already being paranoid), I caught a conversation he was having, it wasn’t very clear but it was more than innocent (he said it was a friend named esther). I got a hold of his contacts, a girl seemed suspicious to be, so I asked him, “Who is Daisy M.?”, he would never respond.

4th week, i see a conversation from Daisy M., more than anything she was sounding concerned. But I was still suspicious, so I called her and asked her who she was, she got defensive and told me my partner was the one who had to give me an explanation.

At this point, he was very mad and finally decided to admit that all this time, he never stopped talking to Lucy. Lucy = Daisy = Esther. Instead of looking at the real issue here, he would point fingers and said I shouldn’t have called, I shouldn’t have checked his contacts, etc. Still, we sat down and talked, to try to fix things.

On his last week at home, he was very indifferent, I was the one trying to make everything work. Until I found out he got a new number (he had broken his cellphone on a previous argument so he was cellphone-less), didn’t tell me, and Lucy already had the number. During our argument, he actually received a text from her: “Baby you dropped the call yesterday”. So I went crazy, I was angry and felt very betrayed. That’s when I told him to leave (we were living in my parents house temporarily, I am still there) in front of my mom. Next day he came and got his stuff. Of course, he kept blaming me and saying I had no right checking his phone (I am aware of that, but really? after all this that’s the best you can come up with?)

After he left, he said we needed some time apart, we would get together and see each other during the weekends and try to fix things. For two months, I have been nothing but needy and desperate and clingy and all that, hundreds of calls and texts, always crying, bla bla bla. One day he would be nice to me, then for some time he would treat me horrible. I would always tell him the same thing, why throw away 6 years and a family in just 2 months? I started going to a psychologist, obviously I am his codependent.

Two weeks ago, we got together, we spent the night together, and next day when I woke up I found a lab receipt for a pregnancy test under her name (negative). Which he then tells me, “I shouldn’t have brought you here (where he’s staying at) because you will never change, you will always be looking for stuff (is not like I started opening drawers, the receipt was on a table and I just happened to pick it up and see it). And we’re not together anymore”. A few days later, me acting impulsively (I am not proud of what I’ve done, but I tend to act impulsively and make decisions when I’m mad, im trying to change that), I called the girl’s house, and kind of got her family involved. Of course, he was furious. And I know everything is his fault, however, since the beginning she knew he was committed and had a family, she knew we were having issues because of her, so morally she’s not guilt free. So, we didn’t talk for 3 days, until one day he was very drunk, no money to get home, told me to go pick him up. I did, he told me I shouldn’t have called her house, which I agreed, and then told me he stopped talking to her. But he didn’t really talk about us. Next day in the morning, he told me was going to call me after work so he can pass by my house and see our son. When he got out of work, I called him twice, first he didn’t pick up, second time his cellphone was already off. So I immediately knew he was with her again. Of course, he says they stopped talking, the girl’s mother told him he doesn’t want him anywhere near her, but they’re both adults so nothing can stop them from meeting each other. After everything that has happened, he doesn’t want to talk to me. He told me very clearly to stop calling and looking for him. Yes, I was being very pathetic.

I always said I don’t tolerate infidelity, precisely because I myself am very faithful and loyal. But at this point, I am willing to forgive and make things work. There’s many factors we both need to work on, which of course we would straighten everything out. And this is the first time something like this happens between us. My question is, what he has with this girl, could it be a rebound relationship? Will NC rule help? I just want my family back, and I don’t think you can just stop loving someone so quick after being together for 6 years. He had a very troublesome childhood, he most stable years were the ones he spent with me, and he knows I was always there for him, never turned my back on him regarding his drinking issues. I want my family back. I decided to NC as of last night (7/7/2016).

Any words of comfort, any help, is greatly appreciated :slight_smile:

I don’t know to which girl you’re referring to as being a possible rebound because there have been at least 3. And actually you might consider that this isn’t the first time he’s cheated on you, but maybe the first time you caught him. I know love doesn’t just fly out the window suddenly, but why would you be so quick to forgive his cheating. Besides the drinking issue, he has been unfaithful! Yes, stop contacting him and just be polite when he wants to visit his son, just say hello and goodbye. Right now he is in no frame of mind to try and repair your relationship. After a very long time and if he stops drinking, he may regret what he’s done. He needs to realize once and for all that he wants his family and not to continue with other women. If he shows a desire to stay together as a family, I strongly urge you to seek couple’s therapy (hopefully he would be willing to do that) before you take him back.
Sorry you’re going through this - I know it must be heartbreaking.

Thanks for your reply, the three girls mentioned is actually the same girl, he would mention different names. And I messed up, lasted 3 whole days without calling or texting, he called and i immediately passed the phone to our son. After they finished talking I hung up, but that same day he called about 4 times, and I gave in. He brought up the subject about us, but he’s still with her and it brought all my anxiety back. Starting the NC rule again from zero, again.

What did he say about about your relationship? That he wants to come back? This situation must be terribly difficult for you as well as your son! The drinking problem alone must have been awful for both of you too. Maybe alcoholics anonymous would help if he would be willing to go? Okay, starting over with no contact, so stay strong. It will help ease your anxiety too. Good luck.

He’s confused, he doesn’t know what to do, that he still needs to think about it, but that he misses his son so much (so much he doesn’t know whether to come back or stay with her -.- ). He says he loves her, or he thinks he loves her. So I don’t know if what they have is a rebound relationship. I think they started physically messing around right after he left, I daresay within the first week. While he was still home, they talked for a bit over a month. How does 4 months of knowing someone wins over 6 years of being with someone?

And yes, if we do get back, we’re definitely going to couple’s therapy and getting professional help.

And thanks a lot!! :slight_smile:

This hurts my heart. Your story makes me emotional. My ex is talking to other people too. And our 4 yr anniversary is next week. Idk how to cope with this and I want my relationship back as well. It’s just so much harder you have a child.
I’ve been listening to meditation stuff and found books online, “the secret, and a positive thinking book”… Also I watched this movie called “war room”. My ex grandmother told us to watch this months ago and we did. It’s about a couple who works things out, a Christian movie. But it gave me a push in a positive way. I’m going to pray for him and think positively about the situation. And think that he’s already back. Maybe that will make the universe align us together again.

@dahne, Don’t let him come back just because he misses his son! It doesn’t matter if you call it a rebound or not, the point is, he’s with another woman. Whether he thinks he’s loves her or not doesn’t even matter. What will matter the most is if he breaks away from her because he wants to be with you! Do you think he’s an alcoholic? If so, that’s another big problem! I don’t know why he chose to be with someone else after being a family man for 6 years, but obviously he wasn’t happy for some reason. Someday, if you get a chance to discuss the pros and cons of the relationship with each other and are willing to make improvements for each other where needed, it would help begin a reconciliation. Until he’s willing to do this and break up with the other woman, I’m afraid nothing will be resolved. Try to stay strong and wait it out. The relationship with the other woman may burn out after some time. If nothing changes, sometime later you could ask for a divorce.