I started no contact on December 20th. My long distance guy had begun pulling away intensely. We started dating back in August. We had met up 3 different times and hung out for 5 days straight each time. Talked every single day.The last time I saw him(late November), we had an amazing time. Talked about buying a house at some point, having a kid. Lots of great dates on this last trip. Both told eachother we were falling in love. Insane organic chemistry. He kept asking me not leave (I live states away). It was a beautiful time. We stayed up late, listened to records, danced. I hung out with him and his 3 y/0. Talked about me moving there(to NY) and how great it would be. That’s how all three trips were, days long, romantic and intense. He kept asking me not to leave this last time. It felt perfect.Told me he would buy me a plane ticket to come back when I got home.
When I got home that night, I was really stoked and both messaged him/called him telling him how great of a time I had and thanking him for everything. I regret that. He responded but didn’t seem stoked like I was.I usually would wait for him to message me first but after this last trip I was the one reaching out each time. BAD IDEA. A few days later he mentioned how behind on work he was since he had taken off work hang out with me(he’s a millionaire and runs a huge business tbh so I believed him), and said he wanted to wait till after the holidays to buy my tix to come back. That pissed me off bc it was still early Dec at that point and I didn’t understand why we needed to wait almost a month to plan our next visit.
I think I pushed him away by acting clingy/overly excited. Things started changing early/mid December(after our last trip) and he seemed to be talking to me less and less. Our biggest issue was always the fact that he did not like talking about his feelings or communicating, so I felt like I could not discuss how his hot/coldness, or how his pulling away was upsetting me. Prior to this, back in November, I had tried bringing up that we should have weekly phone dates or try to at least talk once a day at some point(not a few days without speaking ever) if we were going to make a LDR work, and he got irritated with me. I think this started pushing him away slowly bc I came off as needy and insecure. After that, he was still reaching out talking to me but the distance was obvious. I decided never to bring it up again. Anyway, by the end of December I had had it with his sometimes going a few days without messaging me, and just generally less speaking with me(and how he knew it bothered me bc we had spoken of it before, but he refused to make it better), and his refusal to plan our next meetup(too behind on work, whatever).
So, I decided to cut things off in hopes that 1 of two things would happen.
- he would snap back into it and apologize/ work things out and prove that he wanted to be with me or 2) it would force me to get over him. I just knew it couldn’t continue like it was going. I saw some advice on youtube to send the following text(maybe some of you have seen this video.) I still don’t know if it was the right move. Here is what I said, I added a bit to it to make it my own and pressed send. This was after almost 24 hours of him not answering a text from me and this had happened alot the week or two prior and I had had it. I said, “Hey, no worries. I sense some confusion from you which is ok. But I’m going to take some space because I don’t want to get closer to someone who isn’t sure what they want! Take care.”
I figured he would either reply to that and we could fix things , or he would say nothing. HE SAID NOTHING. It’s now been over 3 weeks. Is he just GIVING ME MY SPACE like I asked? Shouldn’t he STILL be the one to reach out to be to prove that he DOES know what he wants (me)?
He’s v stubborn so this is unsurprising in a way, but also very disappointing. The first two weeks were hell. I felt suicidal, rejected, and dead inside. I was falling in love with this man.This week(3rd week) I’ve felt MUCH BETTER. I’ve been working out, creating art, hanging/talking with friends. I still kinda obsess over him as far as I think about him throughout the day, BUT it’s becoming less and less frequent, very slowly , but noticeabley so. It’s kinda confusing because I don’t know who broke up with who exactly. There were some days right before my text that we could go a few days w/o talking. One time it was 4 DAYS, I was so used to him initiating that I didn’t reach out during that time bc I didn’t want to come off as needy again. But yeah… 4 days of not talking to your sig other? Seems weird. Anyway, yeah, he pulled away big time but I sent the final text anyway. I think staying in no contact is good right now but I’m unsure.
I’m in no contact because I do not want to be taken for granite. I figure he will either reach out and we can talk things out or I will get over him doing no contact. One of the two has to happen. I just don’t know if no contact was the right choice and if I should stay in it, given I wasn’t exactly broken up with.I’m starting to feel a bit better, but obviously would really to hear from him again. Do you guys think it’s good that I stay in no contact, even though I kinda pulled the plug? Or did he pull the plug first by pulling away so much the week or two leading up to my text? Is it my job to reach out to him or do I wait on him to reach out to me(if ever?). I feel like we both kinda broke up with eachother in different ways. I don’t know if no contact is the best move for me if I want a change at being with him again.
What’s weird is that he JUST NOW read the FB message that I had sent him the night I got home from the last NY trip (december 3rd), AND a gchat message that I had sent a week before my “I need space” text. So he’s just now reading things from weeks ago. We had switched to just texting there towards the end, even though we used to use messenger and gchat mostly. But there was still some unseen things on messenger and gchat. He just now read them, 4-5 weeks later, over 3 weeks into no contact… Why? Maybe I’m looking for hope that he’s thinking about me, but it just seems weird that he is going back to messages that are that old(one of them being over a month old). What would make him finally go read those? I feel like my neediness made him assume I was bluffing and that I would have reached out to him by now, but I haven’t, and I’m wondering if it’s starting to make him curios.
MY QUESTION IS-
should I stay in no contact ? my situation is kind of weird as to who really broke things off I feel like? there was one period of time we went 4 days without texting eachother. And he’s the one that started pulling away big time. I mean, he’s just now reading messages I sent him a month ago? Psh. BUT I still am the one that sent the final text that asked for space. said that both to get a reaction if im being honest, but also to FORCE myself not to reach back out to him bc I knew that after sending that text, I would like a doormat if I started texting, messaging him again. It worked bc I have been 100% no contact for over 3 weeks now. BUT IM STILL SAD. I miss him SO MUCH. We just got along good and I’m scared I will lose him forever. SHOULD I STAY IN NO CONTACT IF I WANT A CHANCE OF BEING BACK WITH HIM?
MY ADVICE FOR YOU IF YOU’RE IN NO CONTACT IS:
stay strong plz! I swear after week 3 it does start getting easier. If you’re anything like me, you will miss them alot but it will less painful and you’ll be able to start really seeing where you went wrong in the realationship and also their flaws will become apparent to you, as well. I now see it as total bullshit that he would get mad when I would bring up things I needed in the relationship(a phone call a week, no days on end of not speaking, all seemed reasonable for a LDR but he thought I was trying to control him by asking for that). NOT COOL.I’ve also learned that I have an insecure attachment style and his is very avoidant. Research attachment styles to learn more about this, it’s very important. I feel like if we do fire things back up, I will be way more aware of how to handle things. If we don’t, I’ll be better prepared for dealing w my insecurities in my next relationship. OH one more thing if you’re in NC-GET BUSY WORKING OUT. I know it’s cliche but it’s been great. I do at least 30 mins cardio as many days a week as I can stand it. DO SOMETHING ARTISTIC IF YOU CAN! I’ve been doing collaging and it’s majorly theraputic and I’m feeling great about myself from making such cool little pieces of art. Talk to buds for a few weeks about him/her and then STOP. I bombarded my two best friends the few three weeks, now that I’m going on the 4th week of no contact I’ve made a pact not to bring him up to them AT ALL bc it just gives more power to the situation and keeps him in my head. I think not talking about him has been helping. I still HAD to send this bc I’m still so unsure if no contact was even applicable to my situation.
I’m feeling much better and will be fine without him, but I do miss him alot. So much. Any advice? Keep up with no contact or reach out?