2 weeks - he contacted to...Dumpers?

no-contact-rule
1

Hi.
It’s been 2 weeks since I officially started NC. I’ve been in low contact since the break up except for some emotional emails exchanged that ended in “I agree with the break up and I want us to be friends in the future too”. It’s been almost 3 months since the break up. 12 years together.

He contacted me…“how are you?” and asked if I wanted to meet him so he could return some mail he got for me (my ex home). I said I was busy now if we could do that some other time. He said “…ok, sure. I’ll wait for your call. how are you? and your family?”.
this happened after I posted a pic of me working on an important project - job related (and being jobless was a big/main issue) - I was planning before the BU.

question:

  • can this be an excuse to make contact? Or this “return mail/stuff” means he wants to cut off all ties? Or it simply means he doesn’t give a crap, he just got another letter for me today?

he asked me twice how I was doing. then my family. is it guilt or may be a sign that he wants to get in contact?

thanks

2

it could be something or nothing at all. usually asking how someone is doing is just being polite. i wouldnt look too far into it.

3

According to me your ex is missing you.
12 years relationship means a lot.
He wants to meet you and cares for you. In my opinion you should not talk or meet him. But dont hurt him or ignore him. Just make him motr curious and see what happens next. Good luck :slight_smile:

4

thank you both.
I would love to believe that divjun. Unfortunately…I don’t think so anymore.
I think he has moved on. He may miss me sometimes, but I don’t think he’s coming back.
For several reasons:
1: he’s still excited about the other girl - he was sad when (I guess) she cut him off (a bit) and stopped pursuing her for a while, but then a few days ago she joined an event he’s going to (he invited her although she would go anyway, I think) and he started to post about love again, and about the event, and about those days they were together (then he cooled down again);
2: his few friends may have told him he was better off without me (they’re all emotionally dysfunctional…none of them have serious or healthy relationships); those who liked us to be together tell me to move on and forget him, and don’t talk to him about it; and his family just said something like “it’s a shame…” (that’s how they deal with this things). SO there’s NO ONE supporting our relationship telling him he did a mistake and what we had was love we were just stressed.
3: Life is treating him good: a girl to pursue, going out, having a lot of proposals to do some work here and there (what he wants to do) and climbing fast; meeting a lot of people…he’s busy physically and emotionally.
5: He was in a midlife crisis, hating his job and couldn’t leave because I was jobless; depressed when I wasn’t already cured from my depression and had little joy to offer; wanted to be young when I was stressing about getting old; wanting a new career, his friends could provide him (and they did) and he got dazzled with that new world (girls, nightlife, being the cool guy, going out with the cool guys, to the cool places…) and I was not accepting this very well (I let him do everything but I wasn’t happy about his new friends) - so I was the witch who was spoiling his life.
5: and he said twice “I lost my feelings for you” (first when we broke up, again when he emailed me an explanation).

So, if a man says “I don’t love you anymore” after 12 years of loving, is it irreversible? I want to believe it is, but I don’t think so anymore. And I cried a lot yesterday when I realized that.

After the honeymoon phase and some stress, love is not about passion, it’s about bounding and care, and friendship and intimacy (and he said he feels that for me. but he’s not in love). I can think he feels that not feeling passion means not feeling love and that makes a RS impossible, and maybe when he realizes that’s not exactly true, after seeing I have a job, I’m not depressed anymore, I enjoy going places again, he would come back. But…does he?

Can he change his mind? Can he ever think I am the right one and he made a mistake? That what we had was love? I wanted to believe that, but I don’t think so anymore. What do you think?

3 months. Yesterday I cried again. I still cry a lot. My stomach still twists.
12 years vanished. He has no feelings. There won’t be a second chance. It’s the first time we break up in 12 years and there won’t be a second chance.

:‘( I should have never gave in to his coldness. I should have ignored that, read about how to save the relationship when he’s in a midlife crisis, go on vacations with him and then see what would happen. But after 1 week of being treated with extreme cold distance I gave up. So then he met this girl because he was available, had a bed in my house to offer anyone and a free ride to some already planned (with me) vacations. I lost him. :’(

------------Almost 2.5 weeks - his birthday ---------
I struggled with his birthday. I read during NC we shall not wish them HB. I didn’t. That day. Of course the girl must have send him a cute and sweet message and I didn’t. But all I could think was that was rude. Why on earth would I ignore his birthday if I wish everyone happy birthday? So the next day I sent a short “happy b. kisses” and he replied "thank you :slight_smile: ".

I don’t think NC will make him come back. It’s not a situation where NC can work.
As a strategy to “getyourexbackpermanently” doesn’t seem to be working here.

NC is for me? I don’t need to ignore him to live my life. I will live my life inevitably, because I’m alive. But as a strategy to get him back? I can’t see any results so far. 3 months. I didn’t beg, I didn’t show neediness, I went into very low contact if not nc since we broke up (yes, 3 emails demanding respect because of the new girl it’s bad), but no contact. 2.5 weeks of zero contact, all he did was asking me to meet him to get my mail.

I want him back.

5

I feel for you Bee, we’re just couple for almost 2 years but it hurts so bad. You know that feeling that you want him back but it’s already hopeless. I wish there’s so much I could say to make you feel better. I can only say to trust everything in God. He’s the only one who can put an end to our miseries. :slight_smile:
I, myself has beedn struggling everyday, NC is very hard but I guess it’s the only way for me to get back on my feet again. My ex no longer contacts me and I got tired of chasing him. I want to be out of this obsession and desperation so I could go on my life with or without him.
Stay strong. In time, everything will be fine :slight_smile:

6

Thanks Lynrose. It’s now 3 months since we broke up. 1 month with no contact. then I sent him a message and he responded well. a week later I did the same and he responded well (both messages were about him…). I’ve been away since on a job test. I told him and he knows it’s important. I came back and he didn’t ask how it went. He could show some sympathy or kindness back. But he does not initiate contact.

After 12 years together, loving and sharing a life, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, he now pretends I don’t exist, he doesn’t care if I’m dead or alive, happy or unhappy, if I failed or succeeded. I’m a stranger. It’s all about him and his obsession-virtual-girl

I have to meet him next week to return some things. I don’t know how to act. I want to be friendly, but deep in my heart I know that the minute I get my stuff back, I’ll never see him again.

Should I meet him for a coffee instead of going to my ex-home?