I have read through as many comments as I could to see if anything best fit my situation. I came across one that helped but I would still like to explain my situation and get your direct opinion.
Looking back, I’ve done this no contact rule and remained friends w/ an old-ex whom I did not want back, and that old-ex came back 1.5 years later proposing to me – which I definitely did not want (since I initiated breakup). So I feel like I implemented your plan w/o the intention of getting w/ someone and feel that my most recent breakup, my new-ex, will end up w/ a role reversal (I implement plan and my new-ex does not want me back).
New ex:
We were together for 6 months before he moved for a job, and have done just about 1 year of long distance (LDR) with seeing each other on average ever 6 weeks — but not seeing each other this past 2 months. We talked on the phone or skyped every night and I knew he was very unhappy with his job for quite some time. 3 days after I bought plane tickets for a visit later in the month, and the night after we were planning our itinerary for my trip, he called to break up — which seemed so out of the blue. He sighted that we fought too much and that he was more unhappy than happy with me — I never caught on to that! I thought our disagreements were just difference of opinions not fights! I do take blame b/c I did say I was upset a lot and I had difficulty expressing my emotions. I’ve said crazy things, but I told him my actions speak louder than my words and I never meant that. (i.e. crazy thing on a skype chat: I said I was thirsty, and then I got upset that he didn’t pretend to give me his glass of water over skype. I recognize how irrational I was and I would be pissed if he did that to me, but I’ve learned and don’t think I’ll do it again). Another crazy thing I’ve said is that I want him to pay for everything (b/c he’s done that his past gfs) – his justification for that was that they earned so little compared to him and i’m more equal. Howeveer, my actions are different from my words! Although I’ve said that, I still pay for me, for us, and I even give him cash to give his parents when they have taken us out to dinner (one occasion) — but I insisted on giving him the cash and he would put it into the check so it wouldn’t be me putting cash (otherwise I thought they wouldn’t accept it).
He is a very rational and logical person so his decision to break up, although it seemed out of the blue, must have been coming for a long time. I asked, and he said it started festering from 3 months ago from a trip we had, where I was upset for most of the day of that trip (b/c I thought it was not the romantic trip he said we were going on). Later on that weekend of the trip I told him I loved him and that my desires were to marry him and I would like that by the end of this year. He said he made his decision and I kept asking if he was sure and he said I don’t know. Then I asked if he saw a future w/ me and he said No at one point and I don’t know so many times. I also stressed that I do not get back together w/ ex’s, when in reality, I would definitely get back w/ him. I asked if he wanted a break to think about this, and we’ll chat soon and we didn’t decide at that moment what to do, but ended our conversation b/c he was hungry.
I think he just started to focus on the negatives for the past 3 months, and his stress and unhappiness with work made him think I was making him unhappy too. I recognize I didn’t help as much as I could have, and people say it should’ve been natural and easy for me to just make him happy at the end of the day.
I sent an email about 12 hours after our breakup asking if we can chat in 1-2 weeks and siting how I really didn’t know his unhappiness w/ me was so severe, and I asked if he felt I was pressuring him to get married (which I was not, I just expressed my desires).
He responded that we would talk in about 2 weeks. Then I, stupidly responded, and said ok well let me know if you want to talk in person b/c I’ll still be using my plane tickets to come out, but will be hanging out w/ friends. I know he will contact me, b/c he said he would and he is the type of person to go through w/ his word.
What I think is ideal is he would at least be open to talking to me in person and maybe one night we meet up and act like we were all good, Then the next night we dicuss what needs to change in our relationship, and then I’d leave to be w/ friends for the rest of my trip so he could have space.
I know his love languages of touch, time, and service are best fulfilled when we are together so I am willing to move to his city and work this out.
I don’t think I can ignore him when he reaches out to me, and it is impossible to start a new 30 day NC. I feel like 30 days from that he may find a new job and be happier, but since I’ve removed him from all social media and deleted his cell – I don’t think he’ll see me being in a happier and confident place.
B/c I am attributing a lot of our problems to the distance and the lack of being next to each other over the past 2 months, I will move out there for us if he thinks we have a chance. I feel like if I do not move there, then there definitely is no chance. Especially since he thinks I would never get back w/ an ex, b/c I said it, but I would w/ him.
I know we both need to work on our communication styles, but I really do want to work on it with him. And if I’m not in the same city as him, he won’t see that we have a chance, b/c he is a very stubborn, logical person whose decisions are pretty final.
Is 2 weeks from initial break up enough of NC? I think your advice would be to tell him we need some space and time to figure out what he wants and that we shouldn’t talk for a month. I don’t want to say a month to him, I just want to talk to him. If your steadfast on NC then can i say 2-6 weeks? (I feel like I have to let him know b/c if I ignore him he will justify that I’m bad with communication) Then after 3 weeks or so, I plan on texting/emailing of something that reminded me of good memory we had.
Also I’ve noticed there hasn’t been activity in the comments section for 6 months, but I hope someone can still offer advice!